by kkrichar » Fri Mar 23, 2012 1:26 pm
I am so moved by the MWL weigh-ins today I have decided to journal again. I did not follow through with my food plan for my vacation and I have been struggling ever since. The first couple days after I got back seemed easy and without cravings but it didn't last long and I had little resistance to the pull of SAD food. I've stopped weighing in because it seemed to be more upsetting for me than helpful but I continue to check-in to see how everyone else is doing. I'm happy for the successful people but I'm jealous too. I want what they have but I don't know how to get there.
I know I need to follow the plan 100%. This I know and believe to be true. What I can't quite get at is how to make the switch in my mind that frees me from this cycle. Over the past 7+ years in AA I have seen people who come in and out and in and out and can never string 30 days together. My heart aches for them and I want them to experience what I have experienced. I want them to know the feeling of freedom from alcohol. I wish they would "just" follow the program as it is written. Why can't they just try it? Sigh, look at me. Sitting at my desk writing the same post I've written 50 times before in the same emotional place I was the first time I wrote it. Any old timers (as we call them in AA) still willing to read one of my posts shake their heads and think, "why doesn't she just try the McDougall program?"
I want to follow this plan. I want to find the strength to make it through the early days when my withdrawal from salt, oil and sugar is strong. I need to find a way. I will find a way.
Today Kirsty listed the following things that have really kicked her program into high gear:
1. No salt, oil, sugar.
2. Eat to satisfaction rather than gluttony.
3. No snacks.
4. Move more during the day.
5. Ask [higher power] for freedom from the bondage of self.
There is nothing new on this list. I've seen it before and I've promised it before but I like seeing it again. I need to live this list. I need to follow these guidelines every single day until I want to follow these guidelines! I will try to post something every day.
Kirsty also suggested to me that I celebrate or praise myself each time I make a good choice. I need to let go of the negative self-talk and focus on the good. This morning I caught my reflection walking into work and my first thought was about how fat I looked. Suddenly, Kirsty's words were in my head and I thought about what I had done right this morning. I had resisted the urge to buy a vegan scone for breakfast and, instead, ate my usual oat bran and blueberries. I love my oat bran and blueberries so there's really no reason not to eat them. I just wanted the scone. Fortunately, I had my breakfast already prepared so it made the decision that much easier. So, I stopped thinking about how fat I look today and started thinking about how happy I was I didn't buy the scone. My mood lifted immediately. Because I ate my pre-prepared breakfast I also ate my pre-prepared lunch and enjoyed that too. I plan to leave work today having stayed on-plan. I can go home tonight and eat an on-plan dinner knowing my whole day was a success. I can wake tomorrow morning with a full day under my belt and have greater faith I can do it again.
Thank you to Kirsty, who is so patient, compassionate and generous with her time and wisdom. Thank you to everyone here who continues to return and show us what life can be like on this plan. Thank you Dr. McDougall and everyone else who volunteers their time to keep this website running and free and full of hope.
Everyone can do this. Even me.
HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3