The Eating-When-Hungry Journal :)

[roundcoconut]

A couple more commentaries about eating, and overeating, and having a plan of eating:

My plan of eating is something like, "Eat two large meals a day, and live life in between", and of course, the potential trip-up is the "live life in between". Because to do that, I need to be pretty clear on what I want to DO with my life in between -- which can be kinda tricky at times.

I'm not sure if it's clear just from reading the kinds of things I write, but sometimes the ways that other people live their life, rings very, very hollow for me. One thing that some people do in our society, is that they focus on monetary or consumption goals, as a driving force for their life. Like, maybe someone wants to save up for a new house, or they wanna plan a vacation to Austria.

And all the consumption goals really ring hollow for me -- I honestly drive a 97 ford taurus, and I live in a little space behind my landlord's garage, and I wear a buncha funky clothes that I buy at thrift stores, and I am perfectly happy with my possessions and circumstances. There would be no greater happiness for me, in driving a different car, or living in a different place, or going and sleeping in a hotel at a resort somewhere.

And there are other ways that other people spend their time, that aren't for me either. Like, there are people who find some relaxation or pleasure or meaning, in watching television, or consuming movies or reading books, and for whatever reason, I just see a lot of that as meaningless in my life. Like, I could work my way through three or four novels this month, and somehow just be left with the sense of, "Well, that was pointless."

So at times, I'm not positive what I DO see myself doing with "life in between". Which has been something that has tended to keep me in the food.

I mean, in OA, we are encouraged to identify the qualities that we do not love about ourselves, and to really be hoenst with ourselves about what those qualities are. We put them on paper, and we don't shy away from that. And I think there is something to be had in that -- to find avenues of personal transformation and practice that in between meals.

Also, there are ways of reaching out to people who are trying to work their way out of food addictions, and I think that would be a meaningful path of "living life in between".

But to be totally honest, I scheduled myself for lots of different shifts at work this winter (because I just crumble a little bit in the winter -- I am just so averse to the cold and the dark, that I kinda didn't figure out what else I could do with myself to get through it). That was my version of "life in between". And I probably don't need to point out that that's not really a meaningful way to live. I mean, think about it: I work extra hours to make money I don't need. Ha! Like, "What could go wrong????". An ill-conceived plan of living "life in between", to say the least!

So that's the thing right now, is finding and establishing different grooves so that I really can live life in between!

For right now, just getting a few days of back-to-back abstinence, and being steadier with the housework (not letting laundry pile up and such!) is an excellent start, but I can kinda see where I would want to go with things from here.

[roundcoconut]

I do tend to be a volume eater, and honestly, it is easier just to work WITH that, than to try to become someone different entirely.

Just for the sake of writing down what kinds of things I'm eating, I looked at my grocery receipt, and here's what I ate so far today:
Three red and yellow bell peppers (1.2 pounds)
Two heads of baby bok choy (0.7 pounds)
Three or four carrots (0.7 pounds)

I bought a cup (dry measure) of rolled oats, but felt full after I ate the food listed above. I think I like and enjoy the water content of those foods, and find them very lovely and nourishing. I was on my way to the library, and so I just stopped and ate my food in the library parking lot before going in.

Anyways, if you total that up, I ate 2.6 pounds of food, and it's very satisyfing to me, and of course, I do eat and very much enjoy starches, but I did not eat any starches in that meal at all.

I should mention that I am in the habit of drinking two cups of coffee in the morning, and so I don't know if that's driving my desire to eat calorie-dilute, water rich foods. But I'm not questioning it right now, just going with it.

[roundcoconut]

I have one other thought that I want to mention here, and it's really unconventional, but I'm just going to say it anyways! Here it is:

I tend to believe that the box that we're being put in, as humans, is somewhat intentional. I believe that there are many groups of people here on planet, and even possibly forces off planet, that very much WANT to keep us down and keep us docile. What anyone's motivation in doing this is, I can't even begin to speculate!

But it very much seems to be the case that these forces are more than happy to make health-destroying foods available everywhere for cheap. And there are people who are more than happy to alienate people who do not eat these foods and view people contemptfully who do not eat these foods.

And I believe we are kinda programmed, if you will, to stay in shame and in isolation about our food addictions. And when we break free, even for a few days or a few weeks, it seems as though the programming is re-activated and re-installed -- the programming that says, "Eat! You'll feel better." Or telling you, "You DESERVE your addiction" and "You HAVE to eat some of your trigger foods, or people won't like you".

I mean, whatever nonsense that people use to keep us down and keep us docile, that programming is kinda embedded in our society. It is weird and very telling that there is/was a portion of the American power structure, that wants/wanted to force healthy people into the sick-care system, of paying for bloodwork and for doctors visits and for therapies.

Well, I really AM someone who delights in pondering conspiracy theories and if anyone doesn't like wading around in that, then y'know, you could easily just see the motivations of the restaurant industries and the meat and dairy industries and the medical fields, as the coalition of people who don't want us to find health.

But sometimes I hear people say, "How am I supposed to resist all this? It's not a fair fight" and that's EXACTLY what they want you to say. They want you to say, "They've made it to hard for me to unaddict myself, so I'm just going to accept the path that's easiest." But I always want to say to people, "Do whatever the heck you can, by any means necessary, to escape the bonds of food addictions, ill health, isolation and shame. Whatever it takes!"

So, now I think I've probably just made a bunh of people think that I belong in a looney ward! Y'know, it's my gift, what can i say!

But there y'go. That's my take on things for today!

[roundcoconut]

So, after posting yesterday about how I have worked two jobs all winter (and also done same in previous winters) to get through the cold and dark, I should mention that once April is here, I won't be working two jobs anymore, and will have a little extra space to "live life" in between meals.

I live near a ski resort in northern New Mexico (we are just south of the Colorado border, so an extension of those mountains) and so my second job is waiting tables up at the ski resort. And honestly, this has been a wonderful job for me, and I've met wonderful people there, and i have every intention of working there again next winter. (I may cut back a few days at job #1, though, to accommodate my schedule up there.).

But the month of March should be a lot of fun, as spring skiing attracts a lot of business, and families often come skiing while their kids are on spring break. Also, waiting tables is just a ton of fun when there is a party atmosphere, which is what spring skiing is -- we play the music loud, and we serve margaritas on the deck, and I think this IS a part of "life in between" -- I get to joke around with people, and dance around the restaurant while carrying margaritas or plates of delicious burritos. (Y'know, if by "delicious" you mean ones that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, where my own abstinence is concerned")

So that's what the month of march looks like for me -- happy days at job #2.

But once we are through that first week in april, the chairlifts shut down and the snow melts, and I'll have a little bit of extra time to pursue some changes in my life and in my self -- learning new skills, or expanding on current ones, or replacing old & outdated patterns in myself.

That's the update on my end!

[roundcoconut]

So, an update: The last week has been something like "happy day, happy day, learning day, happy day, learning day" -- and i'm sure everyone here can imagine what I mean by a "learning day"!

I DO feel that transforming our personal addictions is a potentially lengthy process! So maybe I don't string together 30 days of abstnence till sometime in April. Fine. I'd be totally fine with that.

The thing that I notice about yesterday is that I seem to have a state where I am not safe to "get behind the wheel" of my own life. It seems like when I am in a certain state (when I have a certain amount of food already in my system), I cannot choose or prepare proper quantities of food. So that is really a learning thing for me -- when I am enjoying a certain dopamine response from one meal, I am "drunk" on that in some ways, and there is a crazy inner drunkard in me who is looking to repeat and expand that dopamine high.

The other 23 hours of the day, I am food-sober and can be trusted. But no -- when I'm enjoying a pleasant buzz from a nice and fairly large meal, that is my most vulnerable time.

Oh! And I'll share one other thing, which is pretty hilarious to my mind:

I believe that someone who is sensitive to sugar can find a can of tomato paste as tantalizing as regular people find cake frosting. There is all that concentrated sugar in tomato paste! A few times I have taken a little taste of tomato paste with a spoon, and then gone for bigger spoonfuls as I go on. So I generally don't buy tomato paste! Buying diced tomatoes is fine, but tomato paste is so concentrated that it winds up tasting very sugary to me.

Well, seriously, there was a 10-can of tomato paste at work yesterday (there usually isn't, thank goodness!) and crazy me, I seriously grabbed a little ramekin and spooned a big blob into the ramekin and ate it with a spoon. This wasn't my most brilliant move ever, to put that level of sugar into my system, and I have no way of knowing whether that little dopamine rush at work had anything to do with me making a big pot of split peas at home and chowing three times what I would normally eat.

Anyways, I DO want to build some fences in my mind, where I now have an awareness that making food decisions either during or directly after a meal, is the first step toward a fall.

That is all for today!

[roundcoconut]

The learning process for me is this:

I believe that i do best when I build some fences around some foods and behaviors that don't serve me.

For me, one of the big ways of doing this has always been simply not to keep these foods in the house that i don't do well with. Like, I know -- without a shadow of a doubt -- not to bring any kind of nut butter into the house. No sugars in the house. No breads or flour products in the house. No salt or salt-containing condiments in the house. I've gotten really used to respecting these fences.

The idea behind building fences, is I'm protecting myself from a BINGE on nut butters, or on salted or sugared foods. But the "fence" I don't cross, is EATING the nut butters or flour products or salted or sugared foods at home.

And a "fence" isn't something I CAN'T cross over, but rather a reminder that when I've crossed over that line in the past, I proceeded to do harm to myself in some way.

So I've learned to respect the fence around the rabbit hole, rather than peer into the rabbit hole and risk falling in!

There are other areas that I'd like to put a fence around -- I honestly think I can get things in order with a little bit of work and structure! More on this later.

[roundcoconut]

So, another update:

It may sound like a ritual of the Tinfoil Hat Brigade, but whenever I find that the attitudes and mindsets and thought patterns of a binge eater have attached themselves to me YET AGAIN, I eventually remember that these attitudes / mindsets / thought patterns are not mine, they do not belong to me, they were not chosen by me and they do not serve me.

I believe that the programming of food addictions, overeating, and ill health are like burrs that stick to our clothing, or like devices that implant themselves in our thought fields.

So whenever it occurs to me that these patterns have made their way into my field again, I call upon a being of a light higher than mine, and ask that any programming related to overeating, binge eating, food obsessions be removed and returned to whomever it belongs.

Just to be safe, i also ask that any programming / thought patterns related to the consumption of peanut butter, binge eating on nut butters, be removed from my field as well!

And good lord, I am finding I have to do this several times a week -- I cleanse myself of this programming, and then it sticks to me again, and over and over.

But I think I am willing to do this as many times a week as it takes!

[roundcoconut]

Another bit that occurred to me yesterday about binge eating is this:

"This too shall pass."

Like, I can do my part to make sure that I do not put myself in the most vulnerable situations for me, but then I may nevertheless find myself with the urge to binge eat.

Yesterday for example, I realized that being at home with an expanse of unstructured time, was a bad scene. So I drove myself to the library, because there's not a ton of food at the library.

But all the urges to overeat were still crowding my brain, even while I was at the library. I just decided that those urges would pass eventually, and that it would be good if I were to learn to withstand them for 20 minutes at first, and then learn to withstand them for 40 minutes, and eventually learn to withstand them until they were gone.

Well, food addictions can be persistent. Or "cunning and baffling" if you like the OA phrase.

I totally agree with this. I have not yet strung together three or four days of abstinence from binge behaviors, but I kinda feel I'm getting a clue. That's all for now!

[roundcoconut]

I think I'm just going to share a bunch of stuff about myself today! I don't know if any of what I'm about to share, is about the food or not.

But one thing that is really kinda fun, is that I came to northern NM about a year and a half ago, and I kinda chose this place because it is known for having a lot of free-thinking, unconventional energies. Like, they say that back in the day, there were four communes in this area. We also have an active temple that follows the teachings of Neem Karoli Baba.

Anyways, this is NOT suburbia, and people seem to self-express in their own ways, and pursue pathways that're unconventional in whatever ways.

So, whenever I sound like I live on another planet, keep in mind that I live in a place where everyone has four to five pieces of "weird".

My landlord, for example -- his family owned a bunch of land before it became valuable, and so as they began to sell off parcels of land for people to build on, they seem to have amassed small amounts of money. So there are probably five or six acres of land around the house, which is enough to support a bunch of animals. There are nine or ten llamas. Nine of ten miniature donkeys. Five horses. Three ostriches. And nine or ten heads of cattle.

Within the community, this is not unusual at all. (OK, the ostriches are unusual!). Lots of people have chickens. Some people have goats. Horses are really, really common. I also know a family that keeps bison, which they DO slaughter for their meat, but do not sell the meat commercially, just give it away within their family and community.

OH! But recently I was coming home and saw a different animal out grazing, and it appears that they now have three yaks. I mean, I don't know how I came up with the word "yak" but I simply saw these bovine animals, with longish coats, and funny curved horns, and something inside me said, "oh look there is a yak".

So when I say stuff about getting past life readings done, and having a reiki practitioner, and asking that programming be removed from my field -- it is kind of within the context of living in a place where many people live off the grid, or let their hair dred up, or put tattos on their face or their neck. So there's some context!

[hope101]

roundcoconut, I always enjoy your posts. Your last one, regarding yaks and the oddity of your social circumstances, leads me to believe you'd be interested in Byron Katie's position on troublesome thoughts. Have you heard of her? She teaches The Work, which sounds New Agey but is a super-concentrated form of cognitive therapy. (I have several psychologist friends who now use her material, it's just that useful.)

I had the joy of taking a week-long course with her and took home a few tips which help me to this day.

Her first suggestion about troublesome thoughts is to put them through a process of inquiry to see if they are true, or simply what you're believing by default. Her website details the process but it sounds like you already know they are false, but can't get them to stay away.

If that's the case, she says the important thing is to greet the thoughts with a spirit of warmth and generosity, then simply let them go. Many of us interpret their ongoing reappearance as a sign that something is "off" rather than just the way Mind works. And if we greet the thoughts with hostility or resistance, they are more likely to linger.

The other thing she recommended, which I can say personally helps me, is a practice of mindful letting go. Essentially, make a daily practice of walking for 5+ minutes while noticing and labeling objects with what she calls "first order" names, then detaching from them. eg. "path" rather than "slippery path", "child" rather than "happy child". As you move along you greet the object or experience with a spirit of acceptance and then you let it go as you greet the next object/experience.

You can apply the same principles to your thoughts during the walk. So internal dialogue during a neighborhood walk might look like this, for example: yak, grass, cloud, story about hunger, stick, chicken, story about hunger, man, etc.

It sounds crazy, perhaps, but within a week of regular practice, I began to notice I was able to let go of thoughts that had previously felt intrusive and frustrating because of their revisitation. They still came to call, but I didn't feel hostage to my own mind.

Anyway, keep on keeping on and feel free to disregard. As with many other people here, you're a source of inspiration as I watch you work things through. Thanks for the transparency!

[roundcoconut]

hope101, y'know, like any budding crazy-pants, I honestly steer away from the gurus that are embraced by intellectuals and prius-driving liberals! So, I tend to veer away from Pema Chodron, and Byron Katie and the Daily Llama (I'm so childish! I can't help myself), but have a thriving relationship wth the ideas of the psychics and mediums that work the "telesummit" circuit.

I DO know of Byron Katie's work, though, and it's probably very effective, except that it comes off a little too highbrow for me.

Would you believe, even on the plant-based circuit, I kinda have a not-so-happy response to the people in the plant-based movement who offer "getaway" weekends in Sonoma and "weeklong intensives" in Aspen, because that just kinda seems cheesy to my brain.

On the other hand, I just luv the stories of Caldwell Esselstyn calling people up and offering them free encouragement, and I love the stories of Ann Esselstyn just telling people how she makes potato salad, rather than hiding her secret potato salad recipe behind a pay wall.

That's just how I roll -- I just like to see The Goodness unfolding in simple ways, but when the money and the priuses and the ph.d.'s get involved, then people start booking conference rooms in Aspen, and it all goes to shit. In my mind anyways!

My opinion only!

[hope101]

I understand. Of course, it's not quite that black and white. BK does a ton of free work in prisons, and there are scholarships to attend her programs, plus ways of reducing the fees by helping facilitate. Also, there's a free Helpline and the free videos and seminars, and the books you can get through the library. But it can seem like a gentrified form of psychotherapy at times.

Of course, my judgment might be suspect on account of the blue Prius I drive.

(Teasing, in case that isn't obvious, though the Prius is real.)

[roundcoconut]

Y'know, hope101, I actually DO like the idea of naming things with "first order" labels. I think this could be a useful strategy in some area of life. I will simply disavow any knowledge of whose strategy it is! I'll just be like, "I heard of this strategy for taking the emotional juice out of stuff -- I have no idea where it came from!"

It is weird the way middle America takes certain figures as authorities. Like, if the Daily Llama says, "We are all one!" Or "Time is an illusion!", then sometimes people parrot that as though it is a concept that they're gonna shove down my throat. And actually, I don't find those concepts very useful or true or applicable, to much of anything! So I am prone to arguing with people when they speak authoritatively about metaphysical matters. I am just like that!

So, it's not as though there is anything inherently wrong ith Daily Llama, or Byron Katie -- just that people take these people's ideas and concepts -- which are, in the final analysis, just two people's ideas and concepts -- and enshrine them as the Final Word. THAT is always what I take issue with!

For that matter, it seems sometimes that some people who like hiding in the "expertise" of authority figures, are disinclined to use their brain to sort our the evidence that is before them. Like, if my experience tells me that I have overeaten on starches or whole natural foods in the past, then it is really neither here nor there, whether Doug Lisle or Doctor McDougall say this is possible, or not.

Well, aren't I a little pissypants some days!

[hope101]

Actually, the whole point of The Work is to become your own authority figure and investigate what you yourself find to be true. BK rejects guru status, though it's often thrust upon her. She has pithy quotes which are bandied about, but they I like them only because they ring true. eg. "When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time."

I adore that irreverence and humor, personally, which is one of the reasons I can handle her.

I referred to her specifically because I don't like to take credit for ideas I've gleaned elsewhere. It's about avoiding plagiarism, not giving her any special weight, if that makes sense.

I'll be curious to hear what you think, if you try the first-order-naming thingie. It helps me when I remember to do it consistently.

Are you a pissypants or just careful to protect self-knowledge? After too many years of taking what authority figures said at face value, and losing my health and time as a consequence, I've swung the other way, myself. Skepticism is healthy. (Why I appreciate the evidence-based approach of McDougall and Jeff, too.)

I don't think you can hang out on these boards for very long if you trend toward an authoritarian mindset.

[GlennR]

... Like, if the Daily Llama says, "We are all one!" Or "Time is an illusion!", then sometimes people parrot that as though it is a concept that they're gonna shove down my throat...

What did the Dalai Lama order at the burger joint?

"One with everything."


My apologies for the bad joke but I couldn't resist...