Getting Control Back

[katgirl55]

I sprang forward today and didnt get up until noon! Ayayay I will be up all night and exhausted tomorrow! I'm on decaf now so hopefully I am ok in the morning.

Last night I caved and ate some junk. Today was better, and I'm glad it didn't carry over to today. I'm saving my PPN meals for lunches during the work week. That seems to help keep me on track.

Partner is training to do dialysis exchanges on her own this week. Here is what I didn't know: when on dialysis they want you eating more high biological value (HBV) protein because you lose amino acids through the dialysis process itself. Huh. So all the effort to get her on plant based, avoiding animal protein seems for nought. But, they gave her a protein isolate supplement to use so it will not be ALL meat meat meat. She says she does not want to eat very much meat now that she's used to not doing it. Plus, there is the diabetes and congestive heart failure to consider. The kidney failure kind of takes higher priority now, so it's a balancing act. She'll see a nutritionist this week for guidance.

[katgirl55]

I'd like to reminisce about how I came to know about this diet because in a thread in the lounge they were discussing the PBS infomercials they play during pledge drives. So, I had first read Dr. Ornish's book "Eat more Weigh Less" back in '95 or '96. Then in '97 I saw Dr. Weil on PBS doing his program about "8 Weeks to Optimum Health". This was all new information back then. People were not as knowledgeable as they are now in the age of the Internet. I tried to follow Dr. Weil's advice but he suggested a lot of vitamins and salmon, etc. In 2000, I had gallstones, and my doctor told me to cut fat to avoid attacks until surgery. I basically ate this way during that time and lost weigh as a result. What kept me compliant was that I was scared of getting an attack and having that pain. I did vegetarian/vegan off and on during that time. Fast forward to 2013 and I was eating SAD, at my heaviest, and my partner was feeling effects of diabetes and needed to so something. Her doctor recommended the Optifast program at Kaiser, and we had much success on that. When you transition back to food, they have you on a low carb diet, which I knew I could not sustain. Jan 2015, I did a month of being accountable to someone and following MWL, but with eating a pound of vegetables first thing in the morning. I was very compliant, but I grew tired of the lack of variety. I am not knocking the program, just my ability to stick with it. I have been struggling since then, and trying to lean in toward more compliance rather than jump in all the way and then failing.

So far my wins are: cutting way back on animal products, minimizing going to fast food joints and restaurants, ordering the PPN meals, quitting caffeinated coffee, and cooking more.

[katgirl55]

Ugh. Dinner continues to be my problem. I can do well breakfast and lunch and then eat crap for dinner. There is a strong pull for me to stop off at a restaurant on the way home. If I can resist that, then when I am finally home I want junk. Last night was tortilla chips and guacamole, then some Easter candy. I know I should not have this in the house, but I do. Now dinners are even more difficult because partner is back on "protein", and has to minimize beans and potatoes which is basically what I eat.

Here is a typical day for me:

Breakfast - decaf coffee, almond creamer, rolled oats, banana, blueberries

Lunch - A Plant Pure Meal, water

Dinner - If I have cooked it would be beans and tortillas, dal, or pasta. If I have not cooked it might be eating out or grabbing something from Whole Foods deli, or even something simple like a PB&J sandwich.

We are really trying to cut out the restaurant eating so going to Whole Foods was the compromise Monday since we needed to grab some things for the week. That is how I got the chips and guacamole. I will admit, I enjoyed it a lot. I would not see it as a complete fail because I did not go out like I wanted. The Easter candy was more of a fail because it was pure impulse.

[katgirl55]

I have decided that I am just way too busy and stressed out right now. Not good. On Saturday I had college classes and that lasted all day (8am-5pm). Yesterday should have been my day to rest, but instead I had to clean out the spare room so that partner can use it for dialysis exchanges. There is supposed to be a large supply delivery coming today, and there was little room in there because it has become the junk pile room. I spent a good 3-4 hours cleaning, dusting and rearranging stuff and was sweaty and exhausted at the end. I ended up eating crap for dinner and never got around to doing any homework. This morning the scale is not my friend. Thank goodness I am back at work and on a schedule.

In general I am getting mentally and physically tired. Partner has been on a modified work schedule while learning how to do the exchanges, and today in order to be home for the delivery of the supplies. I have been going to work full time, school is starting again, and helping around the house. I am also expected to be emotionally supportive to partner, but I have little to give in that regard because I'm pooped. Partner is not supposed to lift (hernias while doing PD are a very bad thing), but could be helping out more when it comes to cooking and cleaning. This is getting old.

[katgirl55]

OK so I had my meltdown yesterday and I'm feeling better today. Mostly due to getting decent sleep last night. It always helps. I have a cat that is very needy and meows during the night and wants cuddle time. I don't mind the cuddle, it's the meowing that bothers me. He has been this way since he was a kitten, so I don't see him changing his ways. You won't hear a peep out of him during the day though.

Partner is doing the exchanges pretty regularly now. Has to add HBV protein and avoid potassium and phosphorus, so this WOE isn't really working for her anymore. That's okay, but I worry about what it is doing to my goals. All last week I was on a sugar kick, and this week I am paying for it. There is a place that sells pre-made "healthy" fresh meals but they focus on the protein, so this might be a good idea for partner, while I can do my own thing with the WFPB and PPN meals. It would at least help a few days a week.

On another note, it seems very sparse in the Lounge lately, and Jim mentioned someone asking to take their Journal down, etc. It's too bad. I am not prefect, but I stick around as inspiration for trying to do better. I used to eat out a lot, and for a while it was mostly fast food. If I cooked, it was unhealthy fatty stuff. I had given up on myself, but have turned things around. I no longer cook the unhealthy stuff, and eat out only occasionally. I could do better, and that is why I stay.

[katgirl55]

Yesterday the universe gave me a coupon! I had not studied much this weekend and had a test to take last night for one of my classes. I crammed for about an hour and got online to take the test. I felt like I was bombing, but the results were 58 right out of 60 questions!! Wow! I was so lucky. It is a good lesson for me to continue working hard and studying. I am a procrastinator, but with 8 week classes I do not have that luxury!

I have decided that dinners will be simple. Soup, sandwich or anything I can throw together that is not "heavy". I do not need a feast every night. The mindset is that I work hard and deserve something good after work. But this is just sabotaging myself. Good could be scaled down a lot and still be satisfying and help me work toward my goals.

[katgirl55]

Partner is feeling upbeat today. I think she had some depression about what she is going through. Today it is all about the glass being half full, which I am so happy about. It means hope and making an effort to stay as healthy as possible. It means getting out of bed and moving around and wanting to do things besides sitting watching TV all day. Yay!

I, on the other hand, am exhausted. I am not sleeping well and wonder if with weight gain my apnea is returning. The other night I was in twilight sleep and heard myself snoring, woke up and repositioned. It is definitely possible. Win for the day: I just came from the corner store without getting anything chocolate, even though the store was filled with Easter goodies. I was compliant for breakfast and lunch, and trying to shut down the thoughts that tell me I want something sweet. Dinner has been thought out already. Going to the store and getting a veggie sandwich or salad. Not sure which but at least I have a plan.

[katgirl55]

I did it! I made a plan yesterday and stuck with it, which was to get a salad from Whole Foods rather than eat something way off plan. Was my salad perfect? No. But the point is that I made a plan and I carried though with it. Big win for me lately.

I have been doing the Deepak/Oprah free meditation the last two nights while partner does the exchange in another room. It has been a good experience so far. I have wanted to start meditating, but there is never the right time, it is not quiet enough, etc. I know I should just do it once partner goes to sleep but I am usually the one who falls asleep first. This week she has gone into the guest bedroom to do her exchanges at 9:00, which is the perfect opportunity for me to dim the lights and turn off the TV. The only interruption I get is a cat who wants to know what is going on. So I am hoping this will become a regular practice for me.

TGIF - I hope everyone has a Happy Easter!

[katgirl55]

Yesterday I enjoyed a nice brunch with partner for Easter. It was not on plan, although I did not eat anything I considered REALLY off plan. I will leave it at that. I will say though, that because it was richer than what I have been eating lately, my stomach was not happy with me afterwards and that ended up being my only meal of the day. Which is fine - I was not hungry.

My win was that I got on the treadmill in the evening, and was able to exercise and work up a sweat and it felt really nice. I have been so busy that my moments of leisure are spent vegging out and watching TV. The treadmill has been ignored.

Another win was that I meditated again last night.

A fail for me was that when I set aside time for homework, I discovered that I have the wrong textbook (they sent me Volume II and I need Volume I). Argh! It was not my fault, but because I waited so long to find out I cannot return the book and get a full refund. It was a rental from Amazon, and I am past the 30 days I get to return. Here I thought I was being on top of things by ordering early, etc. Anyway, I rented it again and hopefully they send the correct one this time.

[katgirl55]

Wow! I have not been around for a while. Why? I have just been way too busy. I am taking two short-term classes, and they are keeping me very busy - I go two days per week, along with homework and reading the other days. I can usually do a little at work during my down time, but that has also been very busy lately. I have also been adding in some exercise. So what has been suffering? You guessed it! My eating. It hasn't been ALL bad, but some animal products have snuck in. Time to reevaluate and do some planning.

So, I have decided NOT to reorder the PPM Jumpstart meals. Why? They come in a pack of 10 or 20, but you are not able to choose which ones. There are a couple that I just cannot stand (Bourbon Vegetables and New England Chowder), and I do not think I should have to buy these just to get the good ones. And there are very god ones, such as Thai Drunk Noodles, Spaghetti and Veggie Balls, Japanese Curry, and my favorite: Kale Peanut Bowl. These are the ones I would order if able to pick my options. So, planning is in order so that I can have good compliant meals for my lunch.

Partner has been doing dialysis a few weeks now and labs are looking better. Poor thing has to do this every four hours, and it really cuts into work and home life. She will get a machine soon and it will only be a nighttime thing, but until then she is doing 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, and before bed. It is a process of filling and draining, and not always both. Each time take 20-40 minutes. It is doable but not preferable. Oh well. Between her routine and mine, we have become busy people.

[katgirl55]

I really suck at doing well when I am overwhelmed. I do not make the best choices, and it is more about damage control than getting control up front. I do not specify what I eat on here, because I don't think it's helpful for me or others to read about it when they are trying hard to stay compliant. I will just leave it at this: this weekend was not a compliant one, but it could have been worse.

Now I am paying the price for it, and feeling bloated and sluggish. I am trying to do better today, so far so good. Once win yesterday was that I exercised. Yay! I wish I could do it more often, but time is not my friend. Between work, school and homework I am not left with much time or energy. <y ideal time is early morning, but since I have not been sleeping well it is hard to get up. Excuses excuses excuses! My answer to myself is this: find time because that will give me more energy in the long run. Go to bed earlier, get up earlier, and get that 30+ minutes in first thing. That is me time, and I deserve it!

[katgirl55]

Minor setback: This past week my toes on my right foot have been hurting. Not sure what I did, but the pain is in the middle 2-3 toes where the joint meets the foot. So, when I move my toes up and down there is pain. Not bad enough that I think I broke or sprained anything, but enough to know something is wrong and I should not overdo it. So, I have been walking flatfooted on that side to minimize putting strain on the toe joints. I also have a cold, and have been taking a Dayquil/Nyquil type medicine for a few days. So, any forward progress with exercise is lost this week.

On a bright note, partner's dialysis cycling machine will be in next week. This will free her up from doing 3-4 exchanges during the day. She will plug in at night and that's it. The Dialysis clinic will be coming for a home visit next week to check her home situation (literally they want to see how things are situated). She is using the spare room as her dialysis room, complete with supplies and an IV pole. There is a stack of solution boxes downstairs in a corner. It will be interesting to see what we'll need to accommodate the machine.

[katgirl55]

I am very frustrated this morning. Baxter, who supplies partner's dialysis supplies, is flaky as heck. They arrange a delivery with you, then just show up whenever they want. Partner had delivery scheduled for this afternoon, then Friday they called and said they were there....so partner called and said no I am scheduled for Monday and cannot get to my house to accept delivery because I'm at work. So they scheduled for 7am this morning. At 7:20 partner called and asked where is delivery. At 7:45 the dispatcher called back and said they will rescheduled for today at 5pm. So, we ended up being late for work, and now might need to leave early just t catch these people. They cannot deal with the fact that my partner works, and is not home "any time" to receive their delivery. Argh!

[katgirl55]

They finally delivered at 8pm last night. I'm over it though because I had a dose of reality this morning. A friend at work asked about the cost of the dialysis treatments and supplies, and I said it costs my partner nothing. She said in her home country, it is very expensive and people cannot afford it so do not get treatment and die. Wow. That put things in perspective for me so I decided that I need to be grateful that my partner gets treatment and that we can afford it, and that our health insurance does not charge for dialysis supplies and treatment. I think in this country the federal government provides financial assistance. Not sure how that works, but even with a copay, etc. we would be able to afford it and not just prepare for death. So, worrying about the truck not delivering on time is definitely a first world problem.

I am so frustrated that I am gaining weight and feel disgusted that I joined WW last night. It is for the tracking purposes, and also paying $ helps some people want to get their money's worth. I will try it for 3 months and see how it goes.

[katgirl55]

OK so my first two days on WW points were terrible! I am already almost out of those extra points they give you for the week, and I have gone over two days in a row. LOL. My oats and blueberries and banana are a smaller amount of points. That is NOT my problem. Yesterday's lunch it was a veggie pita but I ate the fries because I was totally stressed about school and a possible birthday party at my house this weekend. Well, that used up all my points plus some. I ended up skipping dinner because I had a bloated stomach and did not want to eat anyway.

Why am I bothering with WW? Good question. First, it is another form of accountability for me. Second, it makes me think about what I am eating in a different way. And third, what I'm doing now is not working so I need to change something. I am giving it three months to see if it helps me make some adjustments to my lifestyle.

There is a discussion in the Lounge about HH. There are some here who are very rigid in their thinking about this WOE and what is right. That's ok, not knocking their ideas, but it reminds me of how people are so very different in all walks of life. Even something that should be as simple as a way of eating can have so many interpretations and ideologies that are involved. This forum is for sharing those ideas with each other and getting other's perspectives. I like to stay open to new ideas, because sometimes the universe gives you some good information that you can really put to use. I call it the universe giving me a coupon. and it can come from the place you least expect.