FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

[RAS]

I am glad you are finally settling in to your new home,& it seems to be a perfect fit for you.

[kirstykay]

A post in another journal made me think of this fun "break-up" song, that I used to think of in terms of my "relationship" with SAD eating. I thought you would appreciate it as it relates to conversations we've had about "Queen Baby."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj90OG6bm2o

Hope you get a chuckle out of it today...

Hope you have a great day!!!

[mtns]

Too funny!! I love it. I need to remember that song when it comes to my eating as well. Kathy

[kkrichar]

Thanks Kirsty. It's funny because I often listen to break-up songs and think about my relationship with alcohol. This fits perfectly!

[kkrichar]

I always tell myself if I can string enough 100% McD days together it'll be second nature when tough times come around. I still believe it's true but I've never actually accomplished the goal. Nicoles reminded me of a quote I posted here a long time ago, "True comfort is to be found in the balance and sanity of abstinence. So deep and pure is this comfort that it is well worth whatever trouble or pain I might have to pass through to attain it." (For Today, p.253)

I want to experience that comfort. Things are really good for me right now. I'm happy and I have hope in a lot of areas of my life. This is the perfect time to focus on my food. Yesterday I made some of Jeff's burgers. I made a double batch and put the patties in the fridge. I just finished cooking a big pot of SNAP. I went to the Farmer's Market yesterday for my favorite tomatoes. I have Honey Crisp apples from the orchard. I'm good to go.

I know I have written down all sorts of plans to get myself to stick to McDougall. And, so as not to disappoint, I have yet another. I know. It's ridiculous. I need to just do it but somehow I always think I need a tool or something to help. Yesterday, I bought some prayer beads. One thing I continue to struggle with is "playing the tape forward." By that I mean thinking about how binging on garbage food will end. How will I feel after I eat it or the next day? I can totally do that with alcohol and cigarettes but not food. Often I find myself finishing up some non-McD food and not even remembering making a choice to eat it. It's like there's no pause between thought and action. Anyway, I thought I'd use the prayer beads to force myself to pause before acting. I will use them to reinforce the messages that are important to me. I can repeat the serenity prayer over and over again or the passage quoted above or something else that is meaningful to me on a given day.

This weekend I have been watching a lot of YouTube videos of Dr. McDougall and Dr. Esselstyn. I need to hear and repeat the message over and over again until acting any other way is unacceptable. Some day I hope to look back on these old posts and thank all that is good and holy that I don't have to live that way any more. That'll be a good day.

[kirstykay]

Sounds like a good plan, Kelly! I'm rooting for you. I KNOW you can and will do it!

[kkrichar]

I'm on day 11. I'm trying really hard to string together enough on-plan days until this is just what I do. I had a couple close calls in the grocery store but made it out both times without caving in.

I'm going to share a little story but it's not for the squeamish. You might want to skip this paragraph. Anyhoo, I had been on pretty much a full-feed for a couple months with intermittent bouts of on-plan days. I just couldn't keep it together. I'd do well and then I'd get bad news about my finances and the purchase of my new house or the sale of my old house and I'd be off and running again. It reeked havoc on my body. After moving into my new place I thought I had things under control but fell into another bad cycle. One night I went for a run and my "stomach" was not happy with me. I was about a half mile from a port-a-potty and I made a valiant effort to get there on time but I did not make it. I literally s*%t my pants! It was AWFUL. I won't go into the details of cleaning myself up in a port-o-john and running 1.68 miles home smelly and soiled. After that I got serious. Just how humiliating and unhealthful does my life have to be before I change? I hope this is it but only time will tell.

So, for those of you who skipped the last paragraph let's just say I'm back on the wagon and hope to stay that way. I do see off-plan foods a little differently now but it's still a struggle sometimes. I'm reading a lot of journals here and re-watching all the DVDs and videos I have about this plan. I think it helps.

I hope you're all having a great day and I'll check back soon.

[bunsofaluminum]

oh honey, how awful I'm glad you were at least able to find a porta potty.

May this prove to be the bottom for you, regarding food. Turn it around, girl! You can do it.

[kkrichar]

Hey Buns! Thanks for stopping by. It was awful and I, too, hope it was my bottom (no pun intended).

Funny thing: I had a friend visiting on Wednesday. She drove 5 or 6 hours to get to my place. She said every time she has to drive long distances she always eats garbage. She thinks she's gluten intolerant but can't stay away from it. Anyhoo, while she was staying with me I told her about the incident described above. We laughed about how thick headed people can be and why don't we learn yadda yadda. About a couple hours after she left I get a text from my friend saying she stopped at McDonald's on the way out of town and 40 miles down the road she s*%t HER pants!!! Her sister lives a couple hours from me and she had to drive in her car for over an hour in her own soiled pants. She stopped at her sister's house to shower. After cleaning up at her sister's place and getting back on the road she noticed a sign that read, "Tasty Tacos" and the first thought that popped into her head was, "Oooh, that sounds good." Craziness!!!!

Long story longer, my friend wants to take her gluten intolerance seriously now and I want to stick to McD so we are supporting each other through the difficult early days when cravings are the strongest. Man oh man I never want that to happen to me again. It would definitely take the joy out of my running I can tell you that. I'm not willing to give up running yet!

[nomikins]

That really stinks.

[Anna Green]

kk, thanks for sharing that. Your openness and honesty always encourages me to get more real w/ myself about my insanity around food. Denial is so powerful. What the f**k? I too am coming here everyday and reading journals, watching the Star McDougallers while I do paperwork, trying to stay in reality about what I'm doing.

Last night we did outreach under a bridge- walking about a mile or so, climbing through holes in the fence, etc. My joints hurt so much. I would sit on the ground, do paperwork with someone and standing back up felt like it used to when I was at least 70 lbs heavier. I think in the last year, especially the last 6 mths or so I have done some serious damage to myself. I was proud of my physical abilities after losing a lot of weight and running my first mile and doing 50 flights of stairs. I'd give that up for junk food? I was embarrassed at how awkward I was. If I gain back all that weight I might as well just get a frickin wheelchair. My mother and grandmother have rheumatoid arthritis and I might as well send it a gold plated invitation to screw up my life. I already have.

Ok, so these other folks did this plan and got healthy and we can too. That's the real truth.

[kkrichar]

Nomi

Anna, I hear ya. It's crazy. Then again I'm part of another group who sees horribly degrading, physically painful and spiritually destructive outcomes as unfortunate side-effects that must be tolerated. So, while often baffling, is not uncommon. That's the nature of addiction for many people.

Fortunately, we know the way out. Day 12 for me and I feel fantastic! Ran last night. The weather was beautiful. I was dragging a bit but still really enjoyed being out there.

I had oatmeal with blueberries and banana for breakfast. SNAP for lunch. Dinner will be broccoli slaw salad and Jeff's bean burger.

[Dechen]

I want to thank you so much for sharing your story. It was such a brave and selfless thing to do. So I join in with cheering you on on your way! May victory be yours!

[bettina]

thank you for your honesty - addiction makes us do crazy stuff that is for sure.

[kkrichar]

Hi Dechen and Bettina. Thanks for stopping by. I'm always surprised when people say I'm so honest. I forget that it's not the norm. In AA meetings people admit some pretty embarrassing and degrading stuff. It helps me so much when other people share those thoughts and experiences. I don't have a lot of social interaction with people who are not in AA so I just forget what those conversations were like. I hope I don't offend anyone here. It's just the way I communicate now. I've been successful at staying sober for 8 years because people showed me the way, exactly how it unfolded for them, warts and all. That's why I love reading kirstykay's journal. She shows us how to do McDougall step by step and I appreciate her so much for that.

Anyhoo, today is day 14 of compliance. I feel amazing. I even got out of bed early today! I just woke up and wanted to get out of bed. Crazy! I NEVER want to get out of bed. I feel very hopeful right now.

I can't wait to check in with all you ladies in your journals. So, that's it for now.

Happy Friday!!