I want to share an email from my aunt regarding food for Christmas. I decided to visit family for Christmas and was worried about all the temptations. My relatives are rural farmers that will never give up meat (their words). However, I've been open with them about my food and why it's a struggle for me and why I'm committed to this WOE. My aunt has accepted this is the way I eat. I thought if I gave my aunt a heads-up that I would be more likely to stay on plan in the face of temptation. So, I sent me aunt an email letting her know she didn't need to worry about food for me and that I would be bringing my own yadda yadda. This was her response,
"I figured you would probably bring the food that you can eat, and that is fine with me. Just bring enough so I can try some, too. : ) I think I need to try more vegetarian dishes myself, but I know that I cannot quit meat altogether, but we’ve been eating more fruit and veggies for quite some time already, and it has helped the ol’ system already, so I know more fruits and veggies is a good thing. I know all about the battle with food. Tain’t easy!!"
We've come a long way. I did bring my own food and I did stick to that food in front of my family. Unfortunately, after they went to bed (and when their backs were turned) I found myself sneaking some things like a junkie. It wasn't that bad. My relatives didn't even have much in the house for sweets. I also grabbed some candy from a gas station for the 4-hour drive home. Even though I wasn't on "full-feed" relative to the damage I'm capable of I managed to gain 8.2 pounds in 8 days. I know all of that wasn't real weight gain I'm just trying to paint a picture here. I seriously thought I was doing pretty good at holding myself back from the real bender I truly desired. Anyhoo, in the last 10 days I've lost 7 of those pounds.
Right after Christmas I was talking to my mom about the fiscal cliff and where society is going financially. I mentioned the internal struggle I have reconciling my beliefs about societal responsibility to its poorest members with what I know to be true about diet and health. On the one hand I think everyone should have access to health care. On the other hand I believe most people would not need extensive health care services if they changed their diets. Do I believe its OK to just yank away health care to poor people and tell them they should eat better? I work with doctors and half of them are on the paleo diet. It isn't just about choices. It's also about knowledge and most people, especially uneducated people without access to Internet, receive conflicting information about nutrition or bad information. Many are given no information at all. The doctor will prescribe them a pill and never mention lifestyle changes.
Anyhoo, what does this have to do with me? Well, I think I found a way to reconcile my inner conflict. If things continue the way they are going now in this country many many people will have zero access to health care no matter what I do. These people will likely be poor and have a difficult time affording enough food to feed their families let alone worry about nutrition. If I can find a way to make this WOE work for me I can teach others. Right now I have no credibility. Clearly something has yet to click in my head that truly makes me believe this WOE is for me. I have written often about why I was able to quit drinking and smoking but not stick to this WOE. I worry a major health crisis will be necessary and I may not survice a major health crisis. I remembered the other day that, technically, a major crisis did not occur prior to my quitting drinking and smoking. In both cases I believed with absolute certainty that a crisis was NEXT. I knew with all my heart I was at the end of my rope. There would be no more chances for me. I changed. I stuck to the change. It got easier over time. Now I never think about drinking or smoking.
About a week ago I had a little middle-of-the-night incident that makes me believe a health crisis is around the corner for me. I had stuck with a whole plant foods diet but went a little crazy with the Clementines. I must have had indigestion or something in my sleep. I woke up and inhaled at the same time I was (this is gross I know) belching stomach acid. I had been lying on my back and was in the process of sitting up when it happened. Anyhoo, I aspirated the stomach acid (breathed it into my lungs). It was the most horrifying experience EVER! I could not breathe at all. The pain was so intense. I felt like I was drowning. I felt like I needed to vomit and ran to the bathroom but it was difficult to move because I couldn't breathe. I tried to cough but it was extremely painful. It felt like my throat and lungs were on fire. My neck and my teeth throbbed in pain and it felt like someone was squeezing my heart. I was so scared. I didn't know if I should call 911. I didn't know if I COULD call 911. I couldn't breathe let alone talk. Long story slightly less long eventually I was able to get some air and I used my inhaler to get more air. I went back to bed and my lungs just gurgled like I was blowing bubbles through a straw. The next day I felt sad for myself. It was a tiny depression fueled by fear and a bit of left over shock. I told some friends about it and one person said it could be GERD and another said it could be from sleep apnea. One friend suggested I start taking prilosec. Basically all the things big fat people with shitty diets have.
So, health problems for me are not a distant future concept that I should probably do something about someday. Now is the time. My aunt wears a CPAP to bed and I do not want that for myself. I NEVER want to experience whatever that was with the whole aspirating and nearly drowning in my own Clementine juice!! That's all the unhealthy people in this country need. A big "Death by Clementine" headline. Be careful people! Use your CPAP. Take that Prilosec and whatever you do stay away from those deadly Clementines! Did you hear? She was *vegan*!
In an effort to avoid my usual resentments over people getting to have things I can't have or people putting desirable things in front of me making my own commitments difficult to stick to I have decided to think of it as a challenge that has the potential to help others. AA works because people who have been where you are share their experience, strength and hope with you so you can be where they are now. It's hard to take someone seriously who has never felt what you feel. We always assume we are different. Our circumstances don't fit their prescription. I know, from coming to these forums, that every successful person here knows how I feel. They were scared at some point. They didn't want to give up their goodies either. They were afraid they coudn't stick with it; that their cravings would never get better. I know, because they keep coming back here, that they are living the life I want and it is possible for me to live it too.
Maybe someday I can offer free classes to people on food stamps or WIC with limited access to health care. I can show them a WOE that can be healthy and affordable. I can tell them my story and they will know I know how they feel.
Day 10.
It really helps me to organize my thoughts and thus my actions by laying out any kind of scenario in a logical format. Writing is one of my tools for keeping me on track, here on my journal, and privately as well.
I still have them, and I haven't been a smoker for 31 years (well, except for the two year lapse I had 13 years ago, gad!). Anyway, in my dreams, I pick up a pack of cigarettes, I light one up, and get immediately freaked out, like, "Oh no, what am I doing?!?!?!" Then I start telling myself, "just because I had one cigarette doesn't mean I'm a smoker again, I can have one or two and that will be it!" But the whole time I'm so totally devastated that I'm doing this. I'm always so relieved to wake up and realize I am *not* a smoker again. Whew!
