FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

[Dechen]

Hi Dechen and Bettina. Thanks for stopping by. I'm always surprised when people say I'm so honest. I forget that it's not the norm. In AA meetings people admit some pretty embarrassing and degrading stuff. It helps me so much when other people share those thoughts and experiences. I don't have a lot of social interaction with people who are not in AA so I just forget what those conversations were like. I hope I don't offend anyone here. It's just the way I communicate now. I've been successful at staying sober for 8 years because people showed me the way, exactly how it unfolded for them, warts and all. That's why I love reading kirstykay's journal. She shows us how to do McDougall step by step and I appreciate her so much for that.

Anyhoo, today is day 14 of compliance. I feel amazing. I even got out of bed early today! I just woke up and wanted to get out of bed. Crazy! I NEVER want to get out of bed. I feel very hopeful right now.

I can't wait to check in with all you ladies in your journals. So, that's it for now.

Happy Friday!!

I think it is so amazing that you are sober now for 8 years. I grew up with my dad self-medicating with alcohol wishing he would get help... I guess he just couldn't face being honest with himself.
We have a saying back home, "Einsicht ist ther erste Weg zur Besserung!" (Insight aka being honest with your self is the first step to recovery). I think that holds true when it comes to our food choices, too. The problems we don't admit to we can't fix. Keep going!

[bettina]

Being honest of where we are at is (Ithink) a huge part of overcoming addiction. Lies keep us in bondage. I think so many of us relate to your honesty, it's the beginning of freedom.
Everyones lows are different but hopefully they bring us to humbly ask for help. I am thrilled that you have 14 days of sobriety. Way to go!!!!

[~Beth~]

Congrats on making it to day 14

I know last time I did McDougall I started getting up before my alarm went off. I hope that happens this time, too. Congrats on your seeing some newfound or re-found energy!

[Dechen]

Happy 14th day! may your next 14 days be blessed.

[Dechen]

Happy 14th day! may your next 14 days be blessed.

[kkrichar]

DAY 19

I feel so amazing and at peace. Last weekend I did a lot of thinking and writing about a situation at work. Well, it's not so much a situation as it is a chronic behavior problem on my part. I rarely go to work on time. Actually, I pretty much never go to work on time. I used to try to get to work in what I referred to as my "one hour window" but that wasn't happening much either. I used to stay late to make up for it but I wasn't doing that either in recent months and I was spending more and more hours during the day not doing my job. It was clear to me I was getting behind on my work and it was really bothering me emotionally.

For most of my life I have only done the least amount of work necessary to avoid getting in trouble. I've never felt the internal drive to do my best. I have quite a few ideas regarding why that is but it's outside the scope of this post. The point I want to make here is that this behavior has been bothering me a lot more lately. References to people who are mediocre or people who don't pull their own weight started to hit home. These references weren't directed at me but they obviously stirred up the shame I felt over the behavior. I wanted to stop but I just couldn't seem to do it. It was a lot like my desire to follow this plan 100%.

I joined a group of AA women to read some spiritual-type literature. We're reading a book called "Awareness" by Anthony De Mello. I just started it but he talks about people not really wanting to be happy. We are shown how to be happy and we choose not to do what is necessary to make it happen. Therefore we must not want to be happy. Many people in AA have had work ethic problems like myself in their histories and they all say they felt so much better once they made the decision to do the right thing. Go to work on time. Do your job. There is no global exception just for you. This is true for addiction recovery and it's true for following the McDougall plan and it's true for maintaining successful relationships and it's true for clearing your conscience so you can sleep at night. Show up. Do the work. Get the benefits.

So why do I keep stealing from my long term happiness for short term gain? De Mello would argue we don't want happiness we just want relief. I have a lot of fear and anxiety about a lot of things and mostly I just want relief from it. If I'm afraid I can't do my job and you tell me to just go to work on time and try to do my job I fear that will do nothing for my fear today. Today I want to pull the covers back over my head and go back to sleep. The problem is that pulling the covers over my head barely provides temporary relief and it definitely creates more anxiety and fear. Even while I'm going back to sleep I'm still waking up again every 20 minutes because I'm not really tired. My body had enough sleep. It's only my anxiety that makes me think I'm tired. Each time I wake up again I go through the pain again.

Anyhoo, why am I telling you all this? Well, I think I've turned a corner and I believe the behavior around work is tied to my behavior with food. I use bad food to cope with all sorts of unpleasant emotions. Hell, I use food to supplement positive emotions and also use food to tune out the noise from niggling anxiety that is constantly simmering just under the surface. If it's not a big life crisis I don't necessary recognize the feeling. But it's always there when I'm not living my life according to my own values. Obviously, despite my actions, I do believe a good employee should go to work on time and do their best. And I want to be a good employee. Perhaps if I make better daily choices in my life I won't feel so compelled to bury myself in SAD food. Or maybe I just drag every morning because I'm not taking care of my body. Who knows really.

Bottom line, I finally became willing to follow McD 100% 19 days ago. I started waking up and feeling rested. Over the weekend I concluded I can no longer live with the guilt and shame over my behavior at work. Is that because my body feels so good from eating right? Is it because I finally had enough? I'm not sure. But, I've gone to work on time this week and I've worked the whole time. I cannot believe how much I can get done in a day. I also understand things so much better when I take the time to do my job thoroughly. I feel good.

This issue may not be relevant to any of you but some of you may relate to the conundrum of wanting happiness, knowing how to get it and not doing it. Many of you may have a list of exceptions that apply only to you to justify various behaviors. Other people may need to x,y,z but I don't have to be so extreme. It's good enough for me to just blah, blah, blah. That is the story of my life. Practically every single member of my family on both sides (mom and dad) suffered from alcoholism but that wasn't going to happen to me! I can quit smoking anytime! I can go work late and leave early and still do the same amount of work everyone else does! I don't have to go to class! I can read all the chapters the night before the exam! I don't have to stretch after a run. I can increase my mileage more than 10% a week. I don't have to log long slow miles before running a half marathon. I don't have to save money for an emergency. I don't have to wait to get paid to buy something. I can buy things that other people with my means can't afford. Sometimes I just want to slap myself in the face. If I were anyone but me I wouldn't even hang out with me let alone hire me for a job. But, since I can't go anywhere without me I need to do something different.

I have willingness today and it feels good. Doing the right thing has brought relief and maybe, someday, it'll bring happiness too.

[nomikins]

This is a brave post. You never cease to amaze me, my friend. Almost everything you wrote could have been written by me. Now I have to go and think about why I generally only want relief and not true happiness. Sheesh. I thought it was going to be an easy day of distraction. Thanks a alot.

[kkrichar]

Thank you, Nomikins! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was so angry when I first read that part of the De Mello book. I'm mad about a lot of things right now. I think I'm mourning the loss of my denial. I realized this morning (I know most of you here will laugh that a 43 year old woman just figured this out) that life isn't easy. Or rather I shouldn't expect or think I deserve life to be easy. I don't want to do the work but I want all the rewards everyone else has who did the work. In my mind, people who have things I want had an easier time getting them. I think it should be easier for me. A couple flaws in my thinking is 1) I can't tell how difficult something is for another person just by what they show me on the outside and 2) things are easier for people who prepare. I can understand a reading better if I read it in advance, take notes and think about it than if I read it super fast at the last minute. I can run farther if I run regularly for a long time than if I try running a lot in a short period of time. My work has fewer mistakes if I start it early and recheck it several times. These things sound like concepts I should have learned as a child but for some reason I just didn't. Granted, I was raised by wolves so there's that.

Anywho, this stuff is hard and I don't like it. Yet, I kinda do like it. I feel like I can control some of the things that make my life feel so hard. Sigh. It's not easy being me.

[kirstykay]

Kelly,
What a fantastic and insightful post. There is a lot to chew on and process. I can relate to so much of it. It's interesting because I think a lot of what is going on with you (and me) is that we are learning how to re-parent ourselves.

But then again, my dh and I are really good parents to our kids, and I see a lot of these traits in my middle son. I recognize them so well because he is just like me. So, how much of this is personality and how much of it is learned behavior? And, I guess the real question is, does it matter? Either way, if we want a different outcome, we have to be willing to learn new behaviors and new responses to old triggers. And then we have to be willing to implement them...that's the really hard part.

But look at you! 19 days! That is so exciting! You are doing it and not only that -- you are doing the hard work of making changes in other areas as well! Thanks for helping us all think through these things by being so transparent. You are amazing!

[bunsofaluminum]

Congrats on making it to day 14

I know last time I did McDougall I started getting up before my alarm went off. I hope that happens this time, too. Congrats on your seeing some newfound or re-found energy!

that's by far the best thing about this, isn't it? Not only waking up, but BEING up, and ready to go.

The downside for me is, it doeesn't really matter what time I go to bed at night, I still pop awake anywhere between 5:30 and 6:30 every morning. But somehow I manage to get through, feeling pretty good (other than a little sleepy)

[bunsofaluminum]

Kelly, I've come to the same conclusions at work, about doing it well and doing it right. There are some rules in place and I'd been disregarding them, "getting away with" not doing what I was supposed to do, and it occured to me: This is not the action of a person with integrity. Being honest is valuable to me...well, how honest am I if I hide things from the supervisor, because I'm not following a rule?

so...peace and calm come from actually doing what is required. Funny thing. Amazing how it works across the board, eh?

[~Beth~]

Really enjoyed your comments about your work situation

Sounds like you have been doing some deep thinking about things
and are at a turning point in the way you look at your life and work

[JohnLarson]

I can relate to the work thing. Not just the time, but the effort put in also. For what ever reason, my work has greatly benefited from this WOE and life style changes.

Something you posted reminded me of an AA saying, "you can't compare your inside to others outsides". Not sure if it fits, but I thought of it when reading.

[kkrichar]

So, I'm doing the Holiday Challenge. I'm excited and hopeful. I have a really bad headache today. I've had it off and on for about 4 days or so. When I came into the office this morning there was a plate with Halloween decorated cupcakes sitting right in front of me! I keep telling myself to follow the plan until Jan. 1 and see if it makes a difference with my headaches. A life without headaches would be worth any sacrifice.

I went to a haunted house/cornfield Saturday night with friends. It was super fun but by the time the monsters were done chasing me through the corn field my head was POUNDING. I went to bed when I got home and it continued to pound for a couple hours until I finally fell asleep. It was still there when I woke up yesterday morning. It just sucks the joy out of life. I took a nap Sunday afternoon and the headache was better. Then I went for a 6 mile run and it was back. Got up this morning and it was still there. I might go to a Quick Care clinic for some medication. I don't want to depend on migraine medication but this one has been hanging on a long time. I want it gone.

I made Bob's Cabernet Roasted Potatoes recipe this weekend. I haven't had it in over a year. I'm excited to have it for dinner tonight.

Well, I need to get some more work done before I head out for the headache meds. I hope everyone is feeling great today.

[Dechen]

I hope you will get rid of your headache.
If you really want some luscious muffins, Mary has go some real nice ones and they come without the 1/2 lb of guilt