FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

[~Beth~]

By the way it's not unusual to have difficulty getting off the zoloft
My best friend was on it several years and it took her months after stopping it to feel "normal"
There were a lot of withdrawal type symptoms that made it really difficult
She read up about it online and it turns out it's a real issue for some people
I've heard it's easier if you taper off it slowly, but since you've already stopped, just know that
it could be a rough ride for a little bit but it will get better.

Hope you are able to have a nice visit and not have food be an issue between you and the family
Too bad you lost that one place you could go and just relax about the food, though

[nicoles]

Really sorry to hear how hard things have been lately. I agree with everyone else - you are a very strong person and an inspiration.

I hope this anxiety passes soon.

I had a thought about the paleo conundrum, as to why some people seem to thrive on it against all sense.

I think it might have to do with sugar and grains.

I am super sensitive to sugar - it is just plain BAD for me - and even white rice will have the same negative effectof inflammation.

Which brings me to the second part - I am sensitive to many grains. I do much better without them.

Could be that some of these people you know doing so well on the diet are benefiting from the no-sugar-no-grains aspect of it, as much as the more-vegetables part of it?

JUst a thought.

Hang in there. And know you have a lot of people rooting for you, even if we (I ) don't post all the time!

[kkrichar]

Hi Beth. Thanks for stopping by and for the reassuring words about the Zoloft. It's good for me to hear about other people's experiences. Sometimes I forget that my body is experiencing something real. I just react to what I think is an emotional response to something. When I think about it more objectively it seems to help. I just tell myself that it'll pass.

Nicoles, thanks for your thoughtful post. I have been wondering about sugar. It's something I have never had on my list per se to eliminate. I have a hard time with the fat/sugar combo and I don't really own sugar but I noticed I don't look for sugar in foods I buy. I'm also wondering about wheat. I hate to even say it, because Dr. McDougall believes at most 3% of the population has some kind of wheat sensitivity, but I just have to wonder. It seems like so many people who eliminate it feel better. Then again, they may be making other healthy changes. The main thing is processed foods, in most forms, are a problem for me in terms of over-eating. So, I should probably go on Maximum Weight Loss and just commit to it for a period of time.

A friend of mine posted a quote on Facebook the other day that I thought was beautiful. I looked up the source. It was from
"The Book of Awakening: Having the Life you Want by Being Present to the Life you Have" by Mark Nepo. I ordered the Kindle version and read the first 2 days (it's a daily reading kind of thing) a few minutes ago. One line really jumped out at me. It told the story of a man who wouldn't put down the armsful of stuff he was holding in order to open a door. As a result he fell down and spilled stuff all over himself. Then it talked about the things we all refuse to put down (getting metaphorical now) in order to successfully cross some threshold. It said, "Meditate on some threshold you are having trouble crossing in your life. It might be at work, at home, in a relationship, or the doorway to greater peace. Breathe steadily and look to yourself to see if you are carrying too much to open the door. Breathe slowly and with each out-breath put the things you are carrying down. Breathe freely now and open the door."

I have believed for a LONG time that my obsession with food keeps me from experiencing greater peace. I know my continued consumption of certain types of foods keeps the obsession fueled. I know I need to let it go. I was thinking about what I'm carrying. What do I need to put down when I do the above visualization? Is it the food or is it fear? Am I afraid I'll be hungry?

I visited my cousin this past weekend. She was telling me about a trip her family took to Europe. She said it was really hard to eat vegan in France. She said at one point she had eaten 2 Lara bars in a 24 hour period because she couldn't find anything she could eat. I told her that I can never stay on my food plan when I'm that hungry. In fact, I start to fall off the wagon as soon as I'm afraid I'll get hungry. I'll eat meatloaf today if I'm afraid there won't be anything vegan at the company potluck next Wednesday! My cousin said she will starve before she'll go off whatever her food plan is at the time. It's like a stubborn thing. If she can't get exactly what she wants she just won't eat. I think we both have some control issues but I'm curious what mine are about. Why does one person literally starve while the other easily breaks under the fear? Is my commitment weak or is there more to it?

Anyhoo, this brings me back to visualizing what I need to put down in order to cross the threshold to peace with food. At first I thought about doing a fast. If I'm afraid of hunger then maybe showing myself that hunger is not the end of the world might be helpful. Then I thought maybe a Mary's mini-type thing would be helpful. Keep eating the same thing for every meal so it's not about taste it's only about hunger. I made this huge pot of million bean soup. I was craving it for a week (when it was getting cold) and finally made it on Monday. The recipe made a HUGE batch and my freezer is already full. So, I thought I should just eat this soup for all my meals. I ate it for dinner Monday night and lunch on Tuesday then wanted no more of it. Instead of eating it for lunch today I grabbed some non-McD food for lunch. I didn't even really try to stop myself.

Sigh, I think I need to be more mindful of what I'm doing. I could have tried to eat the soup before going for something else. I'll practice saying "no" tomorrow. So, now my thoughts are leaning toward making something I really want for every meal to entice myself into eating the right foods rather than forcing myself into a deprivation-type scenario. If deprivation is what I fear does fasting or eating monotonous food just trigger the back-lash? Or do I need to work through the fear to get to the other side? I'm not sure.

I feel like this shouldn't be so hard. Practically every person I am close to just makes a decision about what is right for them and they do it. No whining. No back-peddling. No justifying. They just do it. What is holding me back? What things can I do to get to the other side?

I was reading a journal just before coming here to post. This person is writing down everything they eat. I've been reluctant to do that for as long as I've been on these forums. I don't know if I fear criticism or showing everyone how uncommitted I really am. Maybe I'm afraid to show myself how often I deviate from the plan. I know for a fact I'm afraid I'll really really want something I shouldn't eat and then I'll have to choose between eating it and looking bad or not eating it and feeling deprived and both scenarios sound awful. So, I just eat what I want and don't talk about it. That feels awful too. Hmmm...

Many of my mother's friends have died or had spouses die or found out they have cancer in recent months. I also know someone my age who died from pancreatic cancer. I feel like I'm getting all these messages that I need to change before it's too late. I may not have the amount of time I assume I do. I don't want to die early but, more importantly, I don't want my whole life to have been lived in this battle.

Something needs to change. I'll try to journal all my food. See where that takes me. Even the bad stuff. It's for my benefit. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says about what I eat. I'm the one who pays the price for my bad choices. I'm the one who suffers every day I let this behavior continue. That's the thing I should fear most.

I plan to make a stir-fry that I really love for dinner tonight. I just need to stop by the Farmer's Market for some bell peppers. It also has onions, mushrooms, zucchini, yellow squash, and pineapple. I don't cook the veggies very long. I like them crunchy. Then I serve it over brown rice with some soy sauce.

I also have a run scheduled.

I'll check back tomorrow with tomorrow's plan.

[lifeisgreat]

Use the 12 steps on food and you will find your answer. You are powerless. When you really get that move to the next step.
It worked for me on drinking and smoking. By the time I gotto food it was automatic Good luck.

[JT of PA]

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBLRM0xgnUM

The above helps take my mindset from frump to FIGHT !!!

(To me, you're in a grinding stage right now, I don't like those, but ... when I come out on the other side I feel invincible.) Shared with my wife that our McDougall friend kkrichar needs our thoughts and prayers ... you're not alone.

All the best,
John

.

[kkrichar]

Thanks John! I do feel like that but today is a good day.

Lifeisgreat. I'm trying. I've been trying to use the 12-steps on this since I started my journal. I don't know why it hasn't worked the way it did with alcohol. I totally believe I'm powerless over certain foods but that knowledge has not moved me into abstinence. I'm still here, though, and I will continue to try.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with blueberries and banana. Coffee. Orange juice. I bought the juice yesterday on impulse. Not sure why but it was in my work fridge this morning and I drank it. No more juice after this.

Lunch: million bean soup on top of potatoes from the Farmer's Market. I'm still trying to eat the soup. I bought potatoes last night in the hopes it will make the soup more desirable.

Dinner: I plan to make the stir-fry I didn't make last night. Last night I made the potatoes in the InstantPot and ate some of those with Bush's vegetarian baked beans.

I ran 5 miles last night. No run tonight. I go to jail tonight.

I have a honeycrisp apple from the orchard here if I need a snack this afternoon. I parked my car in my designated spot a mile away so I'll be much less likely to hop in my car to go buy something.

That's it for now.

[~Beth~]

You park a mile away from home or from work???

[kkrichar]

Beth, there is a parking lot a mile from my office that is designated for VA employees. There's a bus that goes back and forth but if the weather isn't too bad and I'm not carrying too much stuff I walk.


OK, last night I had brown rice and no-oil granola cereal for dinner. I was too hungry by the time I got home. I planned to make my stir fry but while the rice was cooking I snarfed a bowl of cereal. By the time the rice was done I didn't feel like making the stir fry anymore. So, I just ate a bowl of the rice with soy sauce. Tonight, now that the rice is already cooked, I plan to finally make the stir fry I've been craving all week.

I had my AA jail meeting last night and there were more women there than usual. A couple of them seemed pretty serious about getting clean and sober. I was reminded of what it looks like to really work on the 12-steps in early sobriety. I want to believe I'm using the principles of AA to get past my food issues but I wonder if I really am. I know I've talked about this before but I'm going to repeat it again for my own sake. After my first AA meeting I never had the desire to drink again. It's really easy to stay sober if you don't want a drink. I believe that continuing to go to meetings, and working with a sponsor, and sponsoring other people, and volunteering at the jail, and going through the 12-steps when I did all helped stave off that pesky desire to drink. However, the important point I'm making here is that I've never learned how to fight an over-whelming desire. When I had the desire to drink I drank. When I have the desire to eating SAD or VAD I eat it. Period. I kept thinking if I did the steps or went to meetings or whatever eventually my desire to eat non-McD food would go away like my desire to drink. But that never happened. It may never happen. I may have to learn how to stay clean in the face of intense desire.

So, basically, that just means I think I'll try going through the steps again with food. Also, I think I might go to meetings where people struggle more. There's one place in town that has a lot of meetings and the people there are little bit different from the people at meetings I usually attend. I used to avoid the place because they smoked in meetings but it's non-smoking now. I have friends that go to those meetings and I think I could learn a lot. Life doesn't always hand you everything you want. Sometimes you have to struggle. I've seen people struggle and succeed. I just need to spend a little more time with people like that and really listen to what they're sharing.

In that same vein, I plan to make every effort to come here and describe that battle in my head. Another thing I've said many times is that I always assume anyone who accomplishes something I can't accomplish must have it easier than me. If you can just read the China Study or watch Forks Over Knives and completely change the way you eat and never look back then you must not have the food issues I have. Right? Well, people don't often tell you how much they struggle. They do things and it looks easy from the outside. Likewise, some people fly right off the cliff and look like they didn't even try. We just don't know what's going on inside other people's heads when they do the things they do. That's part of what makes AA successful. People share with you all the dirty, ugly, scary stuff going on inside their heads. The things you would never tell a coworker out of fear of rejection or, worse yet, demonstrating weakness. Somewhere, back in the long-ago days, and maybe the not so long-ago days, we learned to never show our vulnerabilities. People (or wildabeasts) will use it against us. Meanwhile, we're all walking around thinking we're the only ones who struggle or think a certain way.

So, by sharing what is actually happening in my mind as it's happening could help me. Maybe just pausing enough to write it out will give me the time to change my mind about eating off plan. Maybe someone else will read my thoughts and say, "OMG, I used to think exactly like that and here's what I did....." or maybe someone who was thinking about logging off the forums for good because no one else seems to struggle like they do will stick around long enough to find a solution for themselves. You never know.

Breakfast: oatmeal with blueberries, banana and 1 T chia seeds, coffee
Lunch: Million Bean Soup with potatoes, Honey Crisp apple, cherry and grape tomatoes from my tomato plants!
Dinner: stir fry over brown rice

No run tonight. Going to Scream Acres with friends!!! I LOVE Halloween and all things SCARY! This place has 3 things you go through. The first is like a circus tent, the second is a slaughter house and the 3rd is a corn field!!! Last year one of my friends accidentally said my name and the monsters chased me through the corn field saying, "KELLY! KEEEEELLLLLLY! We're coming for you Kelly." I ran like the wind leaving all my friends to die. It was AWESOME!!!!

Have a great weekend everybody.

[lifeisgreat]

If I am remembering right Bill w struggled with sobriety while for Dr Bob it was easy. I think going where people are working on the basic is a good ideal. Step two is
generally the turning point for me. Once I get to deep true surrender every thing changes. I never know when that is going to happen. I just keep working on it. Some times I just have to set on my hands and not pick up that drink, smoke or food untill it happens. In the mean time I use on left brain to study the issue I am working on, and my right brain to visualize the out come of the bad habit. A example would be watching someone unable to walk easily because of arthritis. Then i know that could be me.When I finally do get it I then have something to pass on and a new understanding of what other people are experiencing. My ego can know longer think I am better than someone else, because I too had to struggle.
God will get you there.

[kkrichar]

OK, I'm back real quick with a mind share. I ran to Costco to get gas. I'm driving the gang to the haunted corn field tonight!!!! Woot! Anyhoo, I decided to run into the store to see if the great blueberry famine is over. I had been buying gigantic containers of blueberries and freezing them. Then I have half a cup of blueberries each morning in my oatmeal. I went through my entire supply and there haven't been any blueberries at Costco for over a month!!! They have teeny tiny packages at the regular grocery store for $1000! or something like that. Sigh, moving on.

I went into the store and instantly wanted to eat the free samples. I hadn't even seen a sample yet but I knew they were there and I wanted them. So, I told myself I could have them if I still wanted them after posting in my journal. Well, to post in my journal I'd have to go online with my phone. It's a huge pain to get on this site on my phone and the r isn't working well either. It all just sounded too taxing. I decided it would be easier to go down the isle with no samples to the spot where the blueberries usually are and just skip the samples. I did that. There were no blueberries so I grabbed a bag of fingerling potatoes and some laundry detergent. Out I went without eating a single sample!

So far so good!

[JT of PA]

Well done kkrichar, WELL DONE !!!

I will borrow your "end-around method" of navigating the "Costco Sample Gauntlet".

Great Job, I know the beef jerky samples and the pot-stickers are dangerous for me to be around.

All the best,
John

[jamietwo]

Out I went without eating a single sample! So far so good!

Good for you!

[~Beth~]

I haven't been able to get blueberries either. I usually get them at Target and they're not very expensive. They have been available all year round and now all of a sudden they are gone.

[JohnLarson]

If I am remembering right Bill w struggled with sobriety while for Dr Bob it was easy.

Bill W. experienced a "white light" type of spiritual awaking at Towns Hospital after working with his sponsor Ebby T., who struggled with continuos sobriety, relieving Bill of the desire to drink. While the desire to drink never fully left Dr. Bob S., Dr. Bob knew the importance of keeping it simple, working with others, and having a daily reprieve. Both Bill W and Dr. Bob knew the only way they could keep sober was to give away what was given to them. The purpose of the 12 steps is to have a spiritual awakening to bring about recovery. Weather it happens over-night or over a lifetime, the 12 steps have helped millions recover from seemingly hopeless diseases.

I have never been to an OA meeting, but am considering it. I have had a spiritual awaking and the desire to drink and/or drug has left me. I was able to apply the tools of prayer, inventory and meditation to quitting smoking also. I used to think of my weight issues as character defects like sloth, gluttony and selfishness. Today, I know this is not the case. My food issues are instincts which are motivated and controlled by fear and desire. This quote seems to point out how I can apply the AA program to my food issues.

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.’’ We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
It works—it really does.
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action.
“Faith without works is dead.’’
pg. 87-89 Alcoholics Anonymous

Since coming here, I have always believed that those of us familiar with the 12 steps should have a little bit of an edge on having the lifestyle change needed to be successful with this WOE. That is one of the reasons your journal caught my attention. I do think that for me to apply the 12 steps to this WOE, I need to try to carry the message and to practice the principles in all my affairs. Are my food issues my affairs? Is posting on here carrying the message? Am I carrying the message or the mess?

Sorry for such a long post. Thank you for keeping a journal.

[lifeisgreat]

What can I say I have a little old lady memory problems. I am almost 75 years old.
I got them mixed up. Thanks for catching that.
I know that my experience in AA helped me with this WOE.