FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

[Lizzy_F]

Hi Kelly. I'm new here. I came across your journal tonight and am only stopping reading because I have to go to bed now. I'm Lizzy and I'm and alkie AA member. And a former nicotine junkie. And a sugar/fat/salt junkie who has been an avid supporter of the girl scouts if you know what I mean. I don't generally run but I would go two miles for a glow stick. I admire the running YOU do!!

I have read the first 6 pages and last two pages of your journal so am missing a huge chunk at this point in time.

First off, congratulations on surviving the withdrawals and coming off Zoloft. I am so interested to hear how things go for you.

Next I just want to thank you for all the open and honest sharing you do. As others have said, you say so passionately and eloquently what I feel and can't put into words. I relate so strongly to the frustration you have expressed as you struggle to stay on plan but have managed to stay alcohol free and nicotine free through lifes ups and downs for years. That is the frustration I have been feeling for the last 3 years or so on a different food plan. I am hoping I can find my way to full on-board McDougall and never look back.

I can also relate to something you said back in Feb. or March about relating more easily to the people in jail who are addicts, felons, etc. than to the little girls you were working with. I felt that way so much and so often that I'm back in school later-in-life to become an addiction counselor. I am definitely comfortable around addicts from all manner of backgrounds moreso than "normal" people sometimes!

Anyway..I look forward to reading more and I wish you well with all you are striving for!

Lizzy

[Anna Green]

kk, thanks again for sharing. Did the valerian help? My sis used it when getting off Xanax and I have used it for anxiety as needed. That's what I like about it- not getting loaded, takes the edge off, no side effects or withdrawal. I'm hoping as I eat better and exercise that I won't even need that.

I'm thinking you might just feel better off the zoloft. What I love about you is your willingness to get conscious about how you are living and to make change.

[kkrichar]

Hi Anna!! Thank you for your kind words. I only took the Valerian a couple times. I didn't notice a difference and it is STANK! Why does everything "natural" smell like Master Jenkins behind? Geez.

Lizzy, Thanks so much for stopping by my journal and giving me encouragement. I really appreciate it!!

I think I'm pretty much detoxed and I have a TON of energy. I feel much much better. I made an appointment with my doctor to get my relief inhaler Rx refilled. I told her about the Zoloft and she said to just keep going and let her know if I started to feel like I needed to go back on.

I'm going to rant a tiny bit but I'll try to keep it short since it makes me angry when I think about it. The doctor looked at my vitals (BP, RHR). My heart rate was 47. She said it should be OVER 60. My heart rate was 70 when I was drinking and smoking, weighed 220 pounds and completely sedentary. She asked me if I'd like a new tetanus shot that protects against whooping cough. She said, "we can schedule your mammogram today or we can do that at your follow-up in a few months." I'm going to save the topic of talking to your doctor about mammograms for another post so my point here is just to say we hadn't had a discussion about it. She just said it like it was decided. I find that irritating. It feels like bullying. Like if she says it with enough certainty I'll just go along. They (she had a resident with her) also recommended an HIV test saying I only need one as an adult. I already had one just a few years ago and it was right on my chart. She may have just been demonstrating all the proper things to ask so the resident could see the whole process. I don't know.

Here's where I'm going with this: all things they asked about were basic/standard tests or vaccines. However, when it she got to updating my lipid panel she said, "you don't need to do that." My BMI was right on the line for obesity and she discusses whooping cough, HIV tests, mammograms and medications but doesn't think it's important at all to check any of the indicators (like cholesterol level, triglycerides, A1C etc) that might point to potential health problems. Sigh. I insisted they do the panel at my follow-up visit in November. I want to see the current numbers now that I'm doing so good with food.

OK, back to fun stuff. I ran a 5K race this morning and I got a new PR!! Woot! I finished week 2 of my half-marathon training plan and so far so good. Nothing hurts. Nothing has fallen off. If I can get this extra weight off my body ( let me rephrase, WHEN, I get this extra weight off) I will be so much faster! I just know it!!! 50 lbs is not a small amount of extra weight to haul around.

Next race: 2 weeks from today. It's a 7-miler.

I ordered the Forks Over Knives Extended Interviews DVD. I'm watching it now. I love Dr. McDougall. He just says it like it is!

I ordered a couple books from Amazon written by ASW speakers that I hadn't read their work. One is by Pam Popper and the other is by Ellen Jaffe Jones. I want to feel educated on the speakers' work should I have an opportunity to meet any of them.

I feel alive again!!! I hope you all are feeling well too!

[kkrichar]

I'm on a tiny bit of a pity pot but I think I'm close to the acceptance stage.

I've been doing pretty good with food. I haven't been 100% MWL and some of the non-MWL stuff probably doesn't fit under the regular plan either if I were being honest (Silk Coconut Milk coffee creamer, Nayonaise, faux lunch meat slices and faux cheese slices). I've been tapering off that stuff and going mostly whole foods (no processed anything) but, like I said, not all the way there. I've been running 25 miles per week plus walking a mile here and there during the day to build up the strength in my feet. I wear minimalist shoes when I run and once I got over 8 miles I could really feel it in my feet. So, need to work on the strength.

Anyhoo, I ran a 7 mile race 4 weeks ago and did surprisingly well. The following week I started a half-marathon training plan and have stuck to it. This past weekend I ran a 7 mile race. I hoped to see some inprovement in my race time. There was no improvement. In fact, I was 20 minutes slower. 20 minutes you say??? How is that possible?? Well, I walked a lot. Part of it was poor planning by the race coordinators. They scheduled a 3pm race on a day that was 99 degrees. The course had no shade and they only had water stations every 2 miles. Also, they dropped us off at an uncovered cement parking lot prior to the race. We were like ants under a magnifying glass. Then we had to hike up a big hill to actually start the race. I was sweating and thirsty before the gun went off. Also, I had been busy running around all day and didn't eat enough. By mid-race I had goose bumps and started to feel chilly. I knew that was bad. I had no idea when there would be more water so I walked more than ran at that point.

OK, so here's where the self-pity comes in. I can explain why I didn't improve my time. I get that. However, I was one of the last people to finish. So, clearly, there was something extra going on with me that wasn't going on with the rest of the runners. My first thought is weight. The extra weight just makes running in heat like that even harder. I'm frustrated because, in my mind, my food has been so much better than in the past and I've been running consistently and yet my weight is the same.

I believe I have to follow the McD plan to the letter in order to achieve success and that makes me mad. I know I've ranted like this before and it's something I have to come to terms with. Life is not fair. Yes, other people can cheat here and there and still throw weight off like it's nothing but I can't. I can't seem to do the tiniest thing off-plan. In the long run I think this fact will be to my benefit. If I don't have to do something 100% I won't. I'm sure my "tiny infractions" are not really tiny. I'm sure my health and happiness will flourish if I follow the plan 100%. I'm just having a baby fit right now. I thought I could run enough to make up for small deviations and still accomplish my goals and I can't.

I'm so happy I can't have a little bit of alcohol. I think I'm just scared because I don't like fighting that battle in my head and in my body when I crave something that isn't healthy. I'm so tired of everything being such a battle for me. I'm so tired of being so broken. I want life to be easy and life isn't easy. It never will be.

So, this weekend I bought 3 dozen ears of corn at the Farmer's Market and froze the corn. I chopped up veggies for stir fry and cooked a big pot of brown rice. I made some taco filling with brown rice and pinto beans. I picked a bunch of grape and cherry tomatoes from my plants and have a bowl next to me on my desk.

I have an appointment with a new chiropractor tomorrow. I think I'm a little fajanked from all the running. My neck, shoulders, mid- and lower-back all have hot spots in them. My left leg feels tingly/numb in bed at night and impacts my sleep. I'm getting headaches again. And, I totally jacked up my right calf in the race on Saturday. I need a massage too. The chiro is at a new wellness center that just opened by my house. They were giving massages at the Farmer's Market Saturday morning and offered a huge first-time visit discount to market customers. I've wanted to get back to my regular chiro for months but he moved to another town and his schedule isn't great for me. So, I just haven't done it.

I know pain doesn't help the old attitude. I think I'm mostly past the SSRI withdrawal stage. However, I do find myself getting surprisingly emotional often. I think I just have to learn how to experience human emotion in a healthy way and not try to crush it instantly. I need to address physical aches and pains when they arise. I need to get some decent sleep. All these things go hand in hand with my willingness to follow this WOE. I'm like a human domino maze. You just "tink" one little thing and every other aspect of my life just falls one after the other.

The timing on this Advanced Study Weekend couldn't be better. I need to feel like following this plan 100% is the best thing in the world. I'll be part of the "cool group." A pioneer! Strong and vibrant and unafraid of facing a little pain. I'm tough! I can do this!!! This ain't my first withdrawal/addiction/craving-fighting rodeo! I'm an old pro! There's a new MegaStuf Oreo you say?? Pshaw! My body is a temple! I live off the land and eat only grass and seeds and sunshine! ROAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

[~Beth~]

So, this weekend I bought 3 dozen ears of corn at the Farmer's Market and froze the corn. I chopped up veggies for stir fry and cooked a big pot of brown rice. I made some taco filling with brown rice and pinto beans. I picked a bunch of grape and cherry tomatoes from my plants and have a bowl next to me on my desk.

Sounds like you are taking positive steps in the right direction. Sorry your run was so disappointing.

I know, I wish I could eat nachos or pizza and ice cream every night
Life is not fair. We have to be stricter with ourselves to see the results we want. It's a continuing process.

Keep up the good work

[Anna Green]

Pshaw! My body is a temple! I live off the land and eat only grass and seeds and sunshine! ROAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

kk, I'm grinning ear to ear. Best thing I've heard all day.

[kkrichar]

Too tired to really post. Just wanted to say I'm at the Advanced Study Weekend!!!! Attended an amazing talk on food addiction by Dr. Pamela Peeke. Haven't introduced myself to Dr. McD yet. Still feeling a little awe-struck. He's so handsome!!!

Food is amazeballs!!!

Nighty night. Gotta get up early.

[JohnLarson]

Glad you made it! Looking forward to reading updates.

[MSNomad]

So excited for you. Can't wait to hear more about it!

[kkrichar]

I'll try to post something tonight. I was so tired last night from traveling and excitement.

Does anyone have Dr. McD's email addy? I'm using Google Chrome and I'm having trouble navigating the new site. I know lots of people contact him via email and wondered if someone could share his address with me?

Thanks!!

[MSNomad]

I'm so excited to hear more about your time at the ASW.

His email is: [email protected]. I couldn't locate it on the new site either, but had it from previously sending him an email.

[kkrichar]

Thanks for the email addy MSNomad!

OK, so, I'm back. The weekend was spectactular and I can hardly talk about it. There is just so much going on in my head. I'm even excited to be back at work today.

I have been struggling with finding joy and purpose in my work. I don't know if I can do the type of research I'm interested in where I am or if I should change jobs or if I should just do my job and use the money to find joy outside of work. The reason I spent so many years in school was to ensure I enjoy what I do. It's not that I don't like my job. I'm just not passionate about it. I work with people (I crunch their numbers) who are passionate. I want to be the person choosing the research topic and chomping at the bit waiting for the results.

Anyhoo, on Friday night Dr. McD talked about a paper that was published back in 2011 using non-VA data and I realized I could easily replicate that paper using VA data. That got me thinking I could use VA adminstrative data to start some research in this area even if it isn't diving right into changing patients' diets and watching all their health problems go away. I have access to costs of surgery and surgical complications for many procedures. I can start by showing just how much the VA pays for some surgeries and so on. One step at a time, right?

I wish I could say more now but I'm WORKING!! Woo-hoo!! I may need one more night of rest (my mom just left this morning) before I'll hop onto the forums at night but then I hope to say more. I don't think I could adequately articulate all my thoughts right now anyway. Busy busy brain.

I made my own salsa with the tomatoes I grew and I'm eating it with tacos for lunch today. Very tasty. I think I'll try my hand at some of the Advanced Study Weekend recipes this weekend. The food was so good I couldn't have been happier or more motivated to do the work.

I hope everyone is having a great day.

Kelly

[JohnLarson]

Welcome back. I am waiting to hear more...

[Lee Mack]

Hi Anna!! Thank you for your kind words. I only took the Valerian a couple times. I didn't notice a difference and it is STANK! Why does everything "natural" smell like Master Jenkins behind? Geez.

Lizzy, Thanks so much for stopping by my journal and giving me encouragement. I really appreciate it!!

I think I'm pretty much detoxed and I have a TON of energy. I feel much much better. I made an appointment with my doctor to get my relief inhaler Rx refilled. I told her about the Zoloft and she said to just keep going and let her know if I started to feel like I needed to go back on.

I'm going to rant a tiny bit but I'll try to keep it short since it makes me angry when I think about it. The doctor looked at my vitals (BP, RHR). My heart rate was 47. She said it should be OVER 60. My heart rate was 70 when I was drinking and smoking, weighed 220 pounds and completely sedentary. She asked me if I'd like a new tetanus shot that protects against whooping cough. She said, "we can schedule your mammogram today or we can do that at your follow-up in a few months." I'm going to save the topic of talking to your doctor about mammograms for another post so my point here is just to say we hadn't had a discussion about it. She just said it like it was decided. I find that irritating. It feels like bullying. Like if she says it with enough certainty I'll just go along. They (she had a resident with her) also recommended an HIV test saying I only need one as an adult. I already had one just a few years ago and it was right on my chart. She may have just been demonstrating all the proper things to ask so the resident could see the whole process. I don't know.

Here's where I'm going with this: all things they asked about were basic/standard tests or vaccines. However, when it she got to updating my lipid panel she said, "you don't need to do that." My BMI was right on the line for obesity and she discusses whooping cough, HIV tests, mammograms and medications but doesn't think it's important at all to check any of the indicators (like cholesterol level, triglycerides, A1C etc) that might point to potential health problems. Sigh. I insisted they do the panel at my follow-up visit in November. I want to see the current numbers now that I'm doing so good with food.

OK, back to fun stuff. I ran a 5K race this morning and I got a new PR!! Woot! I finished week 2 of my half-marathon training plan and so far so good. Nothing hurts. Nothing has fallen off. If I can get this extra weight off my body ( let me rephrase, WHEN, I get this extra weight off) I will be so much faster! I just know it!!! 50 lbs is not a small amount of extra weight to haul around.

Next race: 2 weeks from today. It's a 7-miler.

I ordered the Forks Over Knives Extended Interviews DVD. I'm watching it now. I love Dr. McDougall. He just says it like it is!

I ordered a couple books from Amazon written by ASW speakers that I hadn't read their work. One is by Pam Popper and the other is by Ellen Jaffe Jones. I want to feel educated on the speakers' work should I have an opportunity to meet any of them.

I feel alive again!!! I hope you all are feeling well too!

Hi, Kelly, I believe I relate to your journal. I have AA experience and when I try to apply my AA program to food, I don't fit in AA. When I come to Dr.McD everyone is insulted if I say anything that comes out of the Big Book. My doctor at the V.A. is selling medications, not wellness. She thinks I should take a flu shot, shingles vaccine, and whooping cough vaccine; and when I disagree we have a battle over it.

When I ask for blood work she thinks anything that is not "normal" is bad--even if it's better than normal.

I seem to be having the same experience you describe. Maybe I should post here!

My thread is Prayer and Fasting; just moved here today. I feel that I have little in common with the McD members. I have my own ideas and I'm going to put them in my journal. I did that at Fuhrman.com and got kicked off the site. They cancelled my password because I didn't fit! If they do that here, I think I will try raw food next.

But for today, I'm going to do my own thing. They say this is a free country--but I think it is a codependent country.
Lee Mack

[kkrichar]

Hi Lee. Welcome. Glad you're here! I can't wait to check out your journal. As far as I know you can say whatever you want in your own journal. It's your journey. If you're here I assume you're open to trying a plant-based whole food diet and that's what this site is here for. Everyone has to fine-tune their plan to fit their body, tastes and lifestyle.

I'm still tired. I went to bed at 9pm last night and over-slept. I only have a 3-day work week this week and I already can't wait for the weekend. The main thing is I'm excited to try out some of the recipes from the ASW.

I bought the gretes for tofu scrambled and Ellen Jaffe Jone's burritos (from her Eat Vegan on $4 a Day book). She gave a presentation and we got to try the recipes. Super tasty. I also want to make the enchilada/lasagna something-or-other from one of the meals. My brain is a giant fog right now.

I haven't run in a week. I have to run tonight and I have to go to jail (volunteer - I always forget to add that part). No rest for the wicked.

I need to get a new tire for my car. My mom and I went to see Pike's Peak State Park in McGregor Iowa on Tuesday. It was her birthday and we also saw the effigy mounds north of McGregor. Anyhoo, I was still tired from all the travel but had fun. On our way back we got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. I have roadside assistance through my car insurance but it took awhile to commuicate to them where I was (since I didn't really know and it was pitch black outside). Got home around midnight driving on the spare donut. So, need to take care of that. Last night I was beyond exhausted when I got off work and just went straight home. Ate dinner and went to bed.

I'll be back later. I promise.