by kkrichar » Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:26 pm
OK, I have a doosey of an update. First, you need a little history. As many of you know I am a recovering alcoholic. I started drinking in junior high and quit when I was 35. From the time I left for college until the first time I made a serious attempt to quit drinking (1 year prior to my final quit date) I had been a daily drinker. Over the years I had a lot of depression/anxiety issues. I hated myself. I felt a lot of shame and guilt. Getting out of bed most days was a struggle and often, when I thought about what I had to do that day, I would just roll over and go back to sleep. I slept all day too many times to count. I had been to counselors and on and off anti-depressants. I knew drinking was not helping my cause but I didn't think it was the problem either.
About a year or so prior to my last drink I tried quitting on my own. I would make a few days, sometimes a few weeks but I always ended up drinking again because I was SO miserable. I was angry and exhausted and anxious and sad all the time. Every day that I didn't drink was a serious effort for me. I knew I couldn't maintain the pain for long and would eventually give in for a day or two or 21. Then I'd try again and the cycle would repeat.
I went to see a doctor hoping to get some Xanax. A friend took it and said it was great. I wanted instant relief and Xanax was my answer. I told the doctor about all the emotions I was experiencing and blah blah. I don't remember if I mentioned the whole alcoholism thing or how much I had been drinking. I doubt it. Anyhoo, the doc concluded I suffered from depression and anxiety and prescribed Zoloft but no Xanax. I was very disappointed and had no interest in a drug that would take at least a month to do anything. The doc seemed surprised and he said, "I've known people who were depressed for 10 years before going on medication. Can you imagine being unhappy for 10 years?" When I got home that night I thought about what he said. I realized I had no memory of ever having been happy as an adult. I cried. The next day I called the doc and agreed to try the Zoloft.
That was late 2003 or early 2004. I noticed a difference within a month or so and felt really good. I still couldn't stay sober for longer than 3 months but I wasn't as anxious or depressed.
Finally, I failed my comprehensive exam and was one try away from being kicked out of my PhD program. So, out of sheer desperation I headed to an AA meeting. I had about 25 days of not drinking under my belt and I never picked up a drink again.
Over the next 9 years there were times when I wanted to go off the Zoloft just to see if I really needed it. I never did it under doctor's supervision and I always had the immediate return of my old symptoms, the rage, the overwhelming sadness and so on. I would quickly refill my prescription and go back on.
This year I decided to talk to my doc about tapering off the Zoloft now that I'm very serious about my diet. I wanted to see if the McDougall plan would provide some relief. I needed to make an appointment but kept putting it off. Finally, about 2 weeks ago I ran out of Zoloft. A friend came into town a couple days later for our big race and I forgot to refill the script. Monday comes and I call the pharmacy. No refills left. The pharmacy calls the doc. The doc says no more meds until I come in for an appointment. I call to make an appointment and I can't get in. At this point I think I'll just forget it and go off. I wanted to anyway.
As most of you still reading this ridiculous post can probably guess I began experiencing all those same emotions again. This time I Googled it and (duh!) I learned I was experiencing withdrawal from the meds. I read a ton of posts about it and I was having all the same symptoms everyone else reported. These included the ones already mentioned but also included nausea, dizziness, eye zaps, shakes, brain freezes, memory problems, inability to focus on tasks, fatigue, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some because it was AWFUL! Everything made me so mad I had to hideout at home when possible and everything made me sob uncontrollably.
This time I recognized what was going on and decided to just ride the symptoms out. I realized I have never (with the exception of a few weeks here and there the year before I joined AA) in my entire adult life been alcohol and/or drug free. I went from being drunk every day to being on an SSRI. Thinking about it now, I believe all those symptoms I described from my "dry drunk" year were probably caused by alcohol withdrawal.
Nutshell, I'm almost (I think) finishing up the worst of the Zoloft withdrawal and am very excited to see what life looks and feels like without drugs and/or alcohol.
A couple good things have come out of the past 2 weeks. One, I realized I never once wanted a drink or a cigarette. I haven't been this miserable and emotionally down in decades and yet it never occurred to me. Sunday I decided to head to my local food co-op in search of natural remedies for detox symptoms. On my I was feeling so sorry for myself I gave myself permission to buy some chocolate chip cookie dough frozen yogurt. After purchasing the Skullcap, Valerian, and B-complex I head to the ice cream shop. I thought, pouring sugar on top of this is not going to help. It'll probably make it worse when I crash from the sugar in a couple hours. I decided to forego the frozen yogurt and headed home to make sweet corn from the Farmer's Market. I enjoyed it.
The lesson is that eventually if I stay on plan long enough thoughts of frozen yogurt might go away completely. I never thought I could ever experience the misery I felt last week and not want alcohol but it happened. Yes, I wanted the cookie dough but NOT the alcohol. I can carry that knowledge with me. It will get easier to say no. The desire will come less often and eventually it won't occur to me to drown pain or sadness in sugar, fat and dairy.
After eating the sweet corn I took a nap. I got up a couple hours later feeling much better and went for an 8.87 mile run. It was wonderful.
I'm so excited about ASW in a few weeks. I don't see any talks on diet and depression specifically but I can see how some could touch on it. Even if I do experience signs of depression or anxiety in the coming months (especially in winter) there are so many options I never tried. I went from alcohol to antidepressant. I have an opportunity to explore many different ways of dealing with stress and emotions and, yes, maybe even mental illness. The important thing is that I'll know whatever I choose it'll be an informed choice. No lying to my doctor. No quick fixes. No grabbing the first thing someone suggests. Real food. Exercise. Communication. Education. Experimentation. I'm sure it'll all work out and, who knows, maybe I might feel even BETTER!!!
HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
