FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

[heavenstomurgie]

After reading the last few postings, I can soooo relate! My inner 3 year old is wanting to throw a rebellion today too.. so far staying on task.. but dang it I want to be bad! I won't though, because then I will feel even worse, both mentally and physically. But the temptation is consuming most of my thoughts today.

I haven't figured out how to make crispy "fried" potatoes yet either. I have been settling for cutting them in to small chunks, spicing the heck out of them and baking in the oven until crispy. I will definitely have to try the waffle iron trick!

Sooo glad I found my way to this board and your blog.. feels like I am among kindred spirits!
~amber

[kkrichar]

Day 2 is fantabulous so far. I had Bob's Red Mill Oat Bran with blueberries for breakfast (NO artificial sweetener added!). The oat bran doesn't keep me full as long as potatoes do and by 10am I was hungry. I really wanted to wait until lunch to eat. I usually eat around 11:30 so I didn't have that long to wait but I didn't think I'd make it. My first impulse was to go on the McD site and read journals and update mine. But, I had work I needed to do. So, the hunger started screaming again. I thought, hmm, when I need to do my work (a new project I'm not familar with) I either want to eat or dink around on the Net. I really need to learn how to face what is in front of me without running away or "taking the edge off" with something self-harming. Anyhoo, I decided to write part of the program that I knew would take a long time to run after it was written. Even though I could work on another project while the first one is running I told myself baby steps. If I could get the program running I could eat lunch and go online. I just hit run on the program and it's nearly 1pm! I totally forgot about my hunger. I'm not saying I wasn't hungry at all at 10 am but I do think eating is my first go-to thing when I'm a little anxious about working on something. If I won't let myself eat I hop online and avoid the work that way. Either way I don't feel good about myself. So, it may have been a small step but I did it and I'm very happy with myself. Now I'm really hungry and totally enjoying my SNAP and brown rice.

Thanks for stopping by murgie and kirstykay!!! I love seeing you here.

Oh, Anna, you asked what I will do to fill my time if I ever stop obsessing about food. This (above) is what I will do. With the exception of maybe boredom or celebrations most of the time I eat to deal with anxiety over something. I'm afraid to try something I think I'll fail or it will be too hard or too uncomfortable and I want to avoid it or make it less painful. If I just walk through it without food my time will be occupied by the things I need to be doing. As far as boredom goes I just need to find something entertaining I guess. Celebrations can be tough but, hopefully, over time my friends will get so used to the way I eat it won't be an issue. If I surround myself with supportive people (which I do for the most part) I can focus on whatever I'm celebrating and now what I'm eating to celebrate it. Regarding food centered interactions with people who I feel anxious around, hmmm, I need to re-evaluate my feelings. I should either cut those people out of my life or find a way to re-define the interactions so it feels more positive. Hopefully I'll have more time under my belt before I have to tackle that one again.

[kkrichar]

Hi All,

I'm on day 6 of MWL. All is mostly well with the exception of yesterday. I just had bad cravings all day. I needed to go to the grocery store and it was very hard to let anything go. I did eat an avocado roll, a cucumber roll and a bag of no oil microwave popcorn by day's end. This morning I gained weight (even though I ran last night). Compared to times past these little indiscressions don't sound that bad. They were all whole foods and 2 out of 3 were low fat. I cut out all artificial sweeteners, soy milk, and Tofurkey gravy. I ran 4 days and weight trained 1 day and I gained weight for the week. I'm feeling very sad for myself right now but I know what I need to do. So, that's all I need.

Time and adherence. Time and adherence. Time and adherence. I'll get there.

[toadfood]

Hooray for day 6!

How often are you getting on the scale? Now that my weight loss has slowed (way, way) down, I'm trying to limit it to once a month, so the day to day fluctuations don't drive me crazy. So far it's been two days, so we'll see how that goes.

[kkrichar]

I compared my weight this morning to that of last Monday. I just started back on McDougall a few weeks ago so there shouldn't be any slowing of weight loss at this stage. I have a long way to go. However, I did read an article by Lani that talked about some changes to expect when you switch to a completely whole foods diet. One was water absorbed in the food in your stomach. I don't know. I'm not going to worry about it yet. I've only been on MWL for 5 days so next week we'll see. If it remains a problem I'll start posting my meals but for now I think I just need patience. I always want big return for small effort and I need to change that way of thinking. I need to focus on how good it feels to be on plan.

Good luck staying off the scale for a month. I'm not ready for something that big. Maybe someday. Let me know how it goes.

[kirstykay]

You're absolutely right, Kelly! Patience. Time. Adherence. You've got this! Remind yourself of the truth...as many times as it takes! There are unseen things going on in your body that may not make sense in the moment, but over time, WILL abide by the laws of thermodynamics and physics. To quote the great Jeff Novick, "If you do this, and make adjustments over time, you will lose weight!"

I'm right there with you in wanting to see results, like, NOW!!! You're doing it, don't worry.

[carollynne]

you are doing great!! keep at it!! I have enjoyed reading your journal entries too.
Hurray for you !!

[RAS]

You are doing good.Thanks again for sharing your heart with us.It helped me already. RAS

[kkrichar]

Sigh, I should probably stop weighing myself. Even if I weighed myself once a week I'd be showing an upward trend for the past week and a tiny weightloss for the month. Each day I cut something else out and I feel really good about my progress. I exercise and meet my daily responsibilities. My mental clarity and focus are better. Yet, I get so disappointed when I see consistent gains or 0 losses. I can stay positive for a week or so but then it gets to me.

This is a good time for me to reflect on my approach to everything. I was thinking about this last weekend while talking to a friend about another issue I struggle with. Imagine an obstacle course/treasure hunt style contest. You have to complete tasks and then you get information on where to go next until you finally get to the end. I'm the person who is gung-ho in the beginning and tears out to the first obstacle. I might complete it but more than likely I'll decide it's too hard and begin looking for a way around it. I'll start wandering off in random directions looking for the finish line. I'll stop people who have finished and ask them how they did it. When they say they completed all tasks I brush them off and decide there must be an easier way than that. I spend years sitting and thinking and questioning to find a way to get to the end without doing what everyone else did to get there. I never get any closer but I'm sure my way is faster. The saddest part is the end is only the end because you completed all the tasks. I cannot function where I want to be until I've done the work. I wouldn't survive there. I see the tasks as unfair obstacles I shouldn't have to endure. In reality they are preparation. You can't run a marathon unless you train and you can't live a healthy life until you've switched to a healthy diet. I need to do the task in front of me and when I'm ready to go to the next one I'll know it and I'll be ready. I can't force it. I can't rush it. I simply need to follow the plan as it is written and not expect it to give me what I want when I want it. The scale is simply a guide that can be used overtime to identify potential problems. I write down every bite of food that goes in my mouth. If I look at my food plan and I don't see anything wrong then I know I just need to wait. If I look at it and I see something there that perhaps shouldn't be I can change it. How I adhere to the plan is under my control. Everything else is part of the training. I need to go through it and I will be better for it in end.

Sigh, I feel better now. Thanks.

[nomikins]

I finally took the time to read this journal. Thank you for being so open and sharing so much. Yours is a success story in the writing and gives me much to ponder as well.

Please treat yourself kindly and don't be a slave to a number.


For crispy potatoes, I use my convection toaster oven with par cooked potatoes. Line the baking pan/tray with parchment paper. We eat tons of oven fries this way.

[kkrichar]

Thanks Nomi,

I'm trying not to focus on the number. Queen Baby just gets out of control sometimes. She always expects IMMEDIATE and MASSIVE returns on any change. And watch out if someone else gets a reward before she does!!!

It really helps to come here and get it out and read responses from all of you. I'm reminded that I'm here for my long term survival. This is my life now so I might as well enjoy it and stop waiting for the day when I like it better. It's good now. It won't be made better by eating any other way so why whine about it? Weight loss is a side effect of getting healthy not the goal.

Hey, Nomi, how's your marathon training going? I ran 4 miles outside in my minimalist shoes yesterday and it felt great. I can start increasing my mileage a little bit more now. I'm very excited!!!

[kirstykay]

Nomikins is right, you know. You are ALREADY a success. Thanks for sharing yourself.

[kkrichar]

Thanks Kirsty. I am feeling really good today. The last few days have been great in terms of sticking to MWL and not suffering from cravings. This morning I gained even more weight. That makes 4 straight days of weight gain. It didn't bother me this time. Today I was able to let it go because I know I'm following the plan. I write every single thing down. I remembered this has happened to me in the past. Each time I get serious about MWL and exercise my body goes into shock or something. It's like it thinks I'm being held hostage and forced to labor intensively. So, it holds onto every ounce of fat it can. After a couple weeks it realizes this is just the new way of living and it lets go. I don't know why other people drop weight immediately and I always take 2-3 weeks but it's my pattern and I can accept that today.

Last night I did 48 minutes of the heinous, make-me-want-to-cry Bob Harper DVD. Even the fitness people on the video were cheating when Bob would turn around because they were in so much pain. Anyhoo, this morning I was feeling it. My back and butt are sore but not in a bad way. My back is really weak, well, my whole core is weak for that matter. I've said for years that I need a stronger core and that would probably help prevent some of my running injuries. My quads are really strong and they end up doing all the work. When I increase my mileage or my speed beyond what my quads can handle I don't have other strong muscles to help and I end up injured. So, I'm glad I'm finally doing something about that.

I had my usual oatbran and blueberries for breakfast and I'm eating my taco salad for lunch. I put an entire 6 ounce bag of lettuce in a bowl. Then I put a bunch of tomatoes in it. Top it with a cup of McDougall Black bean soup, a little salsa and some banana peppers and that's lunch. It's not a great sodium choice since the McD cups have a lot but I really love it. Right now the taco salad is the only packaged thing I eat. I do need to make my own black bean soup/dip one of these days. Tonight I'm making chili. I'll probably have some fruit this afternoon. Either a banana, an apple or an orange, oooh, or grapes. I have all of those in my office.

I have a treadmill run scheduled for after work and then I volunteer at the jail. So, I don't have to worry about spending all night in front of the tube.

I've decided to list one thing each day that is only possible because I choose to follow the McD plan. I need to focus on why my life is good and valuable today because of the way I eat rather than acting like the plan isn't worthwhile unless I see the scale go down. I want to remind myself I should stay on this plan even if I never lost an ounce (which I know isn't possible but you get where I'm going with this).

Sooo, right now I'm feeling very positive about the fellowship on these boards. If I wasn't following this plan I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have all of you in my life. I wouldn't have a place to vent when I feel frustrated or people to go to when I have questions. I wouldn't have these little check-ins throughout the day that bring me so much joy. For that I am grateful.

[toadfood]

I love the attitude you're working to cultivate in yourself, especially the part about weight loss being a side effect and not the goal. If you're on plan, you are already at your goal weight -- you weigh exactly as much as you should weigh today. I need to remind myself of this frequently.

I have not been back on the scale since I posted here about staying off it. I keep it in my bathroom cabinet, and I have piled stuff on top of and in front of it so I have to make a conscious decision to take it out and use it. My goal is to stay off it until the end of the month. I am, however, continuing to check my blood sugar, and every day it tells me I'm taking good care of myself.

I'm glad you're feeling good and craving free today!

[kkrichar]

Just stopping by real quick to say I'm doing good. 8 days on MWL and I feel great. My weight plateau/daily climb finally broke on Saturday. I knew it would eventually but I was getting a little tired of it. I'm glad I didn't let it get to me to the point of going off plan and sabotaging all my efforts thus far. I don't have any cravings today so that is nice.

That's all I've got today.