Dissolution's Solution

[didi]

For Nicole: Define inflexible--it's someone who has a different opinion from yours. How come the chiropractor thought you were inflexible when she was so inflexible she couldn't accept your diet and keep you as a patient? Does doing adjustments require the patient to have a specific diet?

Didi

[Dissolution]

Norm I'll keep that thought in mind. I don't think she is serious about wanting me to seek professional help, she herself is very anti-doctor and especially anti-psychiatrist. I think she's mostly just using it as an insult, to which your reply still works as a come back.

AlwaysAgnes So you DON'T like beets? The wife likes potatoes, and I've suggested that she could eat mostly potatoes on a vegan diet and be extremely healthy. She said the thought of eating potatoes without butter is enough to make her puke.

You're lucky to have a husband like you do!

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I went to the gym again yesterday before work. Did 10 minutes elliptical, 10 bike, 10 treadmill, and a weight circuit. Feeling good, trying to be careful not to over-do too much in the beginning. All the cardio machines have heart rate monitors built in, was able to get heart rate into the 130's with no angina. Pretty happy about that.

Weight has been sitting a little high the past few days. As high as 228. It was 225 this morning, which if I stick with my fast for the day, tomorrow morning should be a good weigh-in.

So my DIL texted me last week and said she had heard about a screening of "Forks Over Knives" somewhere locally. I found it in the paper last night, and texted her the information and asked her if she wanted me to go with her. She did. I told her to see if #1son wanted to go and I would ask the wife. Well, that didn't go well.

During our Friday arguments, I had agreed not to be pushy about this way of eating. To me, pushy would be asking my wife to go to FoK multiple times, or telling her how important it was. What I did was informed her that the event was happening and that I was planning on attending with our DIL and possibly our son, and asked her if she wanted to go.

First she informed me that I was not allowed to date our DIL. A sentiment I agree with. In general I would avoid being alone with her, or any female for that matter. However, a public event, especially an educational one, that other family members have been invited to, does not, to me, count as a date. Opinions? Is this inappropriate?

Then she just seemed to be mad because I was in a cult and now trying to recruit more family members, and reduce her significance in the family. She was even mad at me because, when I got home she informed me that #4 son has done something to upset her, although I'm sure he didn't know he had done, it was still pretty bad. He's 22 and pays rent (unlike #3), and in general is a pretty good guy, he is sometimes kind of short and abrupt with his mother. So I texted him to let him know what he had done and that his mother was upset. Honestly, I texted him to let him "sweat" for the night, until he got home. She was mad at me for handling that for her. I've always handled most of the discipline since the "boys" became teenagers and bigger than their mother.

Monday night I had peeled and sliced a particularly sweet mango, so I offered her a piece, apparently that was out of line and me being a pushy vegan. She said that if she had a car and a place to go, she would leave me. Said she felt trapped.

I think I need to start working on my letter to her....

[toadfood]

First she informed me that I was not allowed to date our DIL. A sentiment I agree with. In general I would avoid being alone with her, or any female for that matter. However, a public event, especially an educational one, that other family members have been invited to, does not, to me, count as a date. Opinions? Is this inappropriate?

Only a person who is pathologically jealous would consider this inappropriate, in my opinion. It's really very sad. I'm amazed by how you are able to hang in there.

[VegSexy]

I feel bad. I was eating mangos when I read your blog today.

I really don’t think seeing a movie with a family member should be a point of concern unless there have been issues in the past. I really wished my ex’s family did something with me. Maybe we wouldn’t be “exs” today.

I am very, very sorry to hear about your wife’s reactions. I’m sure she does feel incredibly threatened and insecure with your wonderful changes. I can understand your past comment that she makes it hard to love her. I once said my ex was “a very hard man to live with.”

Sad.

My best advice – take very good care of yourself physically and mentally.

My best.

[scooterpie]

Seems like someone mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder (possible in your wife) at some point. I'd suggest reading about it so you can protect your own mental health (if a cursory description of it fits her).

A book I've read on the subject is Walking on Eggshells. I have a couple of family members afflicted (one is extended family and with different behaviors than the other). Generally speaking they inflict themselves on the family dynamic. It's a very difficult disorder to treat and even harder if the family member just doesn't get it when others around them do.

In the case of my immediate family member it has included long-term drug addiction and so the brain changes are profound. I know diabetes in your wife's case isn't drug abuse, but long-term uncontrolled blood sugars can't be good for brain health, among other things.

I wish you well!

[carollynne]

Hey Dis, I am so glad that you are getting yourself healthy, and staying so close to all the young people in the family too. It has crossed my mind that your wife really does sound like the old adage that she will bite off her nose to spite her face!! I am very glad that you have this forum to vent all the stuff going on in your life and all the emotional blackmail that is going on..... That is just what I would call it. Will she never be happy until you are once again, fat, sick, and nearly dead? go for it Dis, you will make it with her or without her!
Good Luck and loved your last workout. It only gets better and better.

[fulenn]

You are making such wonderful progress!

You going to FOK with your DIL is HARDLY a date or inappropriate. Really! I did some things with my FIL and it was great to spend time with the man who raised my husband.

I do not understand the issues that she is bringing up. It seems that she is very controlling of everything that you do. I know that your dating life has NOTHING to do with your diet. Yes, I know, what dating life? lol I wish you the best of luck, but it doesn't look very good, does it? Still, maybe she will try it, just for a couple of weeks. That would at least give her time to feel better.

Fulenn

[Debbie]

Ya know my ex's ex whom I spoke about before? Well, you wife sadly is sounding so much like her. I swear my ex lost all his friends, his family, he couldnt do anything without her under his nose. God forbid he was late from work. Anything outside of work and or family was off limits. And heres the kicker......she started squirreling money away on things. Not only did she have a new po box number, credit cards, she had her own bank account, even had a new phone line installed with a private phone number. She stopped paying bills like propane and pge. He literally came home one day to an empty house. Kissed his kids and her goodbye to go to work and that was it, she moved 3000 miles away!!!

Im not saying your wife is doing these things or is even like her, just sounding similar is all. Do be careful. I'd say its worrisome that she says she feels trapped and would leave if she had a car or somewhere to go.

Have you ever just told her its just food? Literally, it maybe different than hers and it maybe saving your life, but at the end of the day.....its just food.

[Dissolution]

toadfood Hey, didn't your comment say "bitch be crazy" yesterday. It made me laugh.

VegSexy The DIL and I don't even hug, so nothing remotely inappropriate.

scooterpie Oh wow, I think I need that book! Thanks so much for the recommendation.

carollynne This forum has been a tremendous help. The advice and encouragement from all of you kind people has been a great blessing.

fulenn If I have a meeting with a salesperson that happens to be female, I have to leave that detail out of any conversation with my wife. I guess that makes me deceitful.

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First off, down 2, to 222 this morning. Pretty happy about that considering all the muscles I am building...lol

The wife and I never really resolved our fight Monday night. So Yesterday, by the time I left for work, she still wasn't speaking to me. I left for work, and about 10 minutes into my drive she calls to inform me that she is calling her sister to come get her so she can move out. What I heard was come home so that we can fight some more.

So I went home. Nothing really new was discussed. I started talking about the logistics of separating, and she seemed to calm down some. I'm not entirely sure where we left it. The biggest problem is she has nowhere to go. She feels the kids are all against her, and she's right for the most part, they all see me getting healthy and think it's great, and wonder why their mom isn't doing the same thing.

#2Son thinks I should move in with him for a couple of weeks to let her be without me for a bit. If she doesn't calm down, that's exactly what I'll do.

I'll say this. She's made staying on plan, the easy part of the past several months....

[carollynne]

Good Morning Dis, and to all who read this forum. Sounds like we are all concerned about Dis and I know I am one too. Forewarned is forearmed and Dis, you are going to make it to good health, I know you will be a Star McDougaller one of these days, and your family will be there to support you too. It does not sound good at all, right now, about your wife's reactions, and I must agree that going to a viewing of FOK even with a female relative is not a date by any stretch of the imagination. She is perhaps having feelings of abandonment since her WOE is being left behind. and due to her declining health, she truly will be, and you are powerless to do a thing about her, she is in charge of what she thinks and does, and phooey on trying to change her. It is not happening and why bother? You do not owe her another heart attack to make her happy.
Hey on an upbeat, I am so thrilled for you that the younger generation is following you in a path of good health. See I told you you were the leader in the family....... and that is the way it should be, not her. So it just is what it is, an old wagon train saying and I wish you the best today!

[carollynne]

Oh no, sorry to read the latest part. I was typing my last to you, when you did that one.
Hope it will all be ok, but why should you move out/ Does she have a boyfriend? LOL but why is she so hoping mad to get rid of you, just becuz you are getting so healthy??

[toadfood]

Hi Dis, I did indeed say "bitch be crazy," which sums up my feelings on the subject. Then I thought maybe it was inappropriate, so I deleted it. I'm glad it made you laugh.

I'm so sorry that your wife seems so determined to destroy both the marriage and her health. It's great that you have the support of the kids.

[nicoles]

Oh, Dissolution. I am sorry. This situation is getting out of hand. Walking on Eggshells does sound like a good read (thanks Scooterpie!) for this situation. Your wife sounds like a self-destructive addict to me.

I agree with Toadfood - BBC.


And I agree with Debbie - it's just food. Obviously, she is reacting to it as something else, but at the end of the day, food is food.


Going to an educational movie with your DIL is NOT a date, nor is it inappropriate. I will say this: your wife has a rich imagination, so she has that going for her.

I am amazed at your patience.

Also - Congrats on being down to 222#!


{Didi- I think she meant the "different opinions" kind of inflexible, and I think she is not comfortable working with anyone who challenges her general way of practicing osteopathic medicine. Shall I say it again? Sure, why not? It is appropriate here, too - BBC }

[VegSexy]

Oh boo.

Your last post makes me sad to read. I am very, very sorry about your situation. Everyone is right, it's food, only food. F-O-O-D.

Sounds like your kids are very supportive of you. Enjoy the time you're having with them. I'm glad you have them in your cheer-leading section.

I guess take things one day at a time? And talk?

My best...

[carollynne]

Dis, it is a loss of control, and you have got to do what is right for you and your health. Can you go for some kind of counseling at your church or somewhere covered and if she won't go, then go without her anyway? Just an idea!
I love the BBC line too!
And just wait til you are down to 200 and the down below it!! it will never ever stop, something has got to give!! and so....