Thanks KMD
Feeling a tiny bit better this morning. I had the courage to weigh this AM. 113.2. Officially a BMI of 18.5 which is 'normal'.
Oddly enough, I feel somewhat relieved. I feel like the dream of being too skinny is fleeing and I don't have to hide my eating disordered thoughts from people anymore. I can honestly say I'm now normal weight. There is less of a burden in that.
On the other hand, i am afraid I will just continue to gain weight. I honestly still feel very hungry every day and I eat huge amounts compared to what I ate when i weighed closer to 115-117. I really do wonder if this is my body trying to get back to it's comfortable weight. I am trying hard to just eat super healthy foods whenever I'm hungry and let my body settle where it needs to.
I have debated cutting out puffed grains because I'm sure they're contributing to the weight gain, but I am pretty sure there would be no reason for that right now, except to perpetuate my dream of being as absolutely thin as possible. Is that something I want to have as my life goal though? Puffed grains are extremely healthy, they're just not necessarily great for weight loss. In terms of nutrients, absorption etc. though, they are as good as cooked grains. I see health reasons to avoid excessive sugar, fat, nuts, processed grains etc., but I so no reason, besides thinness to eliminate puffed grains. So, for now, I will eat them. Puffed grains also really delight me, I love the crunch of a rice cake with a sliced banana and cinnamon on top. I also love the way the air gets munched out of them and they satisfy me without stuffing me.
I am going to put away any of the very small clothes I bought when i was at my lowest weight. Some of it will still technically fit, but i feel fat in it and I'd rather wear bigger sizes and have them feel baggy on me, then have things feel 'fitted'.
What a tough journey this is.
I asked myself this morning: "how would I want my kids to relate to food and their bodies". My answer included:
1) I'd want them to eat for nourishment and satisfaction and energy.
2) I'd want them to feel strong and energized and vibrant and nourished.
3) I'd want them to eat whole, healthy, nourishing foods.
4) I'd want them to eat when they're hungry and to eat until their hunger was satisfied.
5) I'd want them to appreciate their bodies for their physical abilities and strength, and for their uniqueness and individual beauty, but i wouldn't want them to fixate or obsess about them.
6) I would not want them to obsess about being skinnier then their bodies wanted to be, I would not want them to try to eat less than their bodies needed to function at their best, I would not want them to stuff themselves with unsatisfying foods in order to attain some level of thinness that deprived them of life.
So, if this is what I want for my kids, I need to model in myself. I know from being a teacher, that kids copy whatever is modeled. They pick up on everything and I need to live the above out if I want to have healthy non-obsessed kids.
Thanks for listening again
lfwfv