lfwfv's journey: MWL, GF

[Loveskale]

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better!

[debable]

I am so glad you are feeling better and back to your normal diet. Now you have a safe diet if you get glutened. Sounds like the elimination diet foods will work for me too if I ever have another IBS attack. Your journal has been very insightful.

[lfwfv]

Hi all,

Well, I'm eating grains (just re-ordered some millet....I love it, and find it very filling and satisfying, plus it's very cheap), yams, potatoes, seaweed, veggies, and fruits. I finished up the last of my peanut butter and Mary's Gone Crackers on Saturday and I just want to regroup and eat MWL for a while. The nuts and nut butters scare me. I love them and I easily eat a lot of them once I give myself permission. I'd rather not have to deal with them for a few days.

My skin is pretty itchy, and acne is about the same...better some days, worse others. I don't know if the skin is due to the food I'm eating, or due to the fact that it's very hot out right now and that tends to irritate my skin.

I'm sitting around a BMI of just over 18 now. I am only a couple of pounds away from being "acceptable" in terms of no longer being underweight. That means that I'll probably have to do another couple of days of lots of nut butter or nuts to regain the last bit I need to. I had a bit of a freak-out over the weekend though...suddenly feeling so fat, so out-of-control, so afraid of myself. I did a lot of talking with my husband, and a good friend, and did some reading in the Geneen Roth books. I feel a little less crazed, a little less out-of-control, but a part of me still wants to be underweight. I don't quite know why...something about feeling small, delicate, prettier, more dainty, more perfect, less needy. I don't know, i wish I could just let it go.

My husband is amazingly patient. I can be so crazy and obsessive, and I talk endlessly about my weight/food/thoughts some days. He is patient and tries to help me think through things rationally. He speaks the truth to me and helps me uncover some of my crazy thoughts that drive me to obsess about being super skinny, or needing to be in hyper-control. He's a very good man and I'm so grateful for him.

I'm focusing on enjoying my food, eating consciously, and stopping when my body's had enough. It's helping that I can eat more variety so I think I am a bit more satisfied by my food.

It's not all roses right now but I think, overall, I'm headed in the right direction.

Take care
lfwfv

[lynn.green]

lfwfv, its great you have such a wonderful husband, I envy you !

I am sorry to hear you have problems with accepting your weight (I really dont know how to write this sentence better, I can put it in english so it wouldnt sound weird, but you know what I mean) I used to have "anorectic" thinking while dieting some time ago, and I know how annoying and overwhelming it can be. It disappeared when worse trouble came=)) Anyway, I hope you will sort this out soon and stop unnecessary worrying. I know it is not easy

[Loveskale]

lfwfv, I really feel for you, since I have felt the same way. However, it is really good that you have the awareness behind what you are thinking. I agree with Lynn Green, it is not easy to get over that kind of thinking.

[raven]

Hi lfwfv, You illustrate so clearly how we are all in the dark and just feeling our way as best we can... certainly people like McDougall have given us some real guidance, but each body is different, and we have to do the fine tweeking ourselves. It's wonderful to see your progress, and i wish you more and more health and happiness.
Raven

[lfwfv]

Thank you Lynn Green and Loveskale for being there and for empathizing.

I agree that life-altering events have a way of shifting your thinking...I had a major trauma 6 years ago, and for about 1.5 years, I didn't care about my body almost at all. I ran because it helped my mental state, and I ate what felt good in my body and what gave me pleasure (peanut butter, whole wheat bagels, bananas, whole grain cereal, soy ice cream, some chocolate, some raw veggies....those were my staples). I ate when I was hungry and just accepted the slim body I had as a result. Eating/body obsessesion just wasn't a priority.

I think all this eating disorder thinking is really a way of trying to control my life, and trying to focus on things that seem controllable. I have a need to be perfect and in control always. Rather than getting overwhelmed by the fact that a lot of real life is out of my control, I think I fixate on controlling my body and food as a way of managing my anxiety. I just want to get thinner and thinner because it's a goal to aim for and I can achieve it. It's weird to, because most people on the outside would say i was successful, 'perfect', self-controlled, extremely disciplined etc.. I just feel like they don't exactly know how out-of-control I often feel. Anyways....

So good to 'see' you Raven! As always, thank you for your encouragement and well-wishes.

i'm doing ok eating/food-wise. My head still really wants to lose weight and to be skinnier. I'm sitting around a BMI of 18 right now, so I still need to gain at least 2-3 pounds to be 'healthy'. I'm not eating nuts/nutbutter right now because I just felt I needed to adjust to this slightly higher weight and regroup for at least a week or two. I'm eating basically MWL, with the addition of occasional rice cakes, all fruit jam, some vegan/gluten free BBQ sauce, and extra fruit of course.

I eat a lot of millet, rice, quinoa, and roasted yams with herbs/spices right now. I'm eating a lot of raw veggies and fruits too, but not so many that I feel bloated and sick. I am eating at the table almost all of the time, trying to really ask myself what foods I feel like eating, trying to savor and enjoy my food, and trying to stop when I'm comfortable, not stuffed.

I've only eaten until stuffed one time in the last 5 days. I'm eating until comfortable, and pretty full, most days now. Before the last week or so, I was eating until I was ready to pop at every meal. I think that's because I felt so unsatisfied by my food and I was trying to squelch that dissatisfaction by stuffing my hunger away with raw veggies. I needed more and more of them to squash the drive to eat more. I'd end up feeling absolutely bloated and stuffed, and still unsatisfied. The grains, especially the millet, are really doing a lot to help with my satisfaction level.

Gotta run,
lfwfv

[Loveskale]

It's good to hear that you are feeling better, and are more aware of what foods make you feel good, that is always good to know!

[lfwfv]

Still trucking on. I'm eating whole, vegan, low fat foods right now. Not quite MWL because I just cannot seem to limit my fruit, but other than that, it's pretty much MWL:

millet, quinoa, brown rice
yams, potatoes
fresh fruit
raw veggies
seaweed
Mrs. Dash, and nutritional yeast (my only seasonings right now)
occasional brown rice cakes, unsalted (with sliced banana)

I ate jam, and gluten free BBQ sauce and some tabasco sauce on my millet for a couple of days, but stopped that again. Simpler is better for me.

Overall, i'd say i'm stopping at satisfied more often. But, about every 2-3 days I feel like I can't get enough and I eat until I'm stuffed.

On Friday, I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was comfortably full. About twenty minutes later, I started feeling like I just was not satisfied. I tried to avoid eating more because I didn't want to stuff myself. Well, I fought the urge for about 12 hours (I kept waking up every hour throughout the night, wanting more, but not wanting to feel stuffed), and when I finally got hungry and allowed myself to eat, I felt insatiable. I ended up eating chex cereal and gf cookie dough (which I just mixed with water, so it was basically water, refined sugar, and refined gf flour)!! And yes, I went to the store to buy it and make it. i'd already eaten some whole foods at home and just felt like I needed calories without fiber at that point. I felt miserable with myself later for filling my body with crap.

I have vowed to myself that if i feel the need to eat until i am stuffed, I will allow myself, but I will stick to only MWL foods.

So I'm back to my tried and true rules:

1) Eat only when I'm hungry
2) Eat only MWL foods

The only darn two rules I seem to be able to stick to. The other rules I fail at. For example:

1) Eat only 2-3 pieces of fruit per day (FAIL)
2) Eating only one serving of starch per sitting (FAIL)
3) Always stop when full, not stuffed (FAIL)

Oh well. I guess this is just where I'm at right now.

I've also really been struggling with feeling fat. I have only gained three pounds so far, and I am still at a BMI of 18, so technically, underweight. But, I feel incredibly fat. i hate this weight. i hate feeling bigger. I have a very hard time accepting this. But i also know I can't feel satisfied eating only yams, fruits, and veggies for life. I know the grains help me feel better, and my body seems to be tolerating them well. I know they are healthy too. I just hate that I might have to accept being a 'healthy' weight. I feel better about my body when I maintain an underweight BMI.

There's this crazy conflict in me: I want to be super skinny, but I also want to have energy and be healthy. I want to be in control of my food, but i also can't stand feeling deprived or perpetually unsatisfied. I wish I could eat yams and fruits and veggies for life and feel strong and satisfied, and maintain a super low BMI. I just don't have the willpower. I feel weak and like I am a slave to my hunger or my appetite, and that my body is out of my control. I know this all sounds crazy to most people, but i just need to send it out there and get it out of my head.

Thanks for listening
lfwfv

[KMD]

Your posts are so insightful and always give me something to think about.

Skewed body image seems to be a common trait for those of us struggling with weight problems. I'm still trying to figure it all out for myself.

Wishing you well as always,

Kathryn

[kittyadventures]

IFWFV,
Hang in there, you are doing great.
And writing about your issues with food helps not only you but anyone who reads about your struggles and triumphs.
Thanks for sharing all this, it is very insightful not just about you but about me and some of my own struggles and why I cheat and eat what I shouldn't.
Thank you for that.

[Loveskale]

Agreed, thank you for sharingg Lfwfv, it is very brave of you to talk about it, I am proud of you!

[raven]

Thanks for your honesty and thoughts, lfwfv. Many people read here who do not say anything, so you may never know who all you have helped with writing down your struggles and successes. As for me, it helps me to understand you and others with similar make-ups, as it is not something i personally have experience with.

Take care. Sending good thoughts and peace your way.
Raven

[lfwfv]

Wow, so many kind comments. Thank you all for your incredible support.

i am doing pretty well. I am not weighing right now. I am eating plenty of grains (puffed included now....they help sustain me without bloating and stuffing me and they are perfectly healthy and whole, so no reason to restrict them except anorexic thinking at this point), yams, fruits and veggies. My energy is improving. I feel more hopeful. No nuts/seeds right now. i am trying to eat MWL and eat a diet that I can sustain long-term. I think it will help me to maintain a low BMI that I'm comfortable with, but will enable me to feel satisfied and sustained (and maintain a weight that's heavier than i am now).

I am starting to accept that, if i want to live life fully, i need to, once again, give up the dream of manipulating my body to be thinner than it wants to be. I can't have both. Living life is all-consuming, and being anorexic is all-consuming. I want to choose life. I have to many amazing people and things in my life to throw it away for an emaciated body. I don't know why thinness is such a lure for me...Well, maybe i do (my mom is anorexic and I think I still often seek her approval...that's at least part of this....plus control and anxiety issues).

I think i will always be thin if I eat MWL, but i don't think i'll maintain a BMI of 17.5 without seriously compromising my health and sanity. I can't do that to myself or my family.

My thinking is turning a corner and I am starting to value life and health over thinness again. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be fat, it's just a matter of what the focus of my life is. Thinness can be one goal, among many, but not THE goal. THE goal is loving God and others, living the life God has intended for me, doing well at my work, being content with what God has given me and who I am.

One big change came when I measured myself and I was a full inch bigger in my hips and thighs. I felt so defeated and depressed and filled with self-loathing. And then, after talking with my husband, i realized I need to just accept it and stop fighting it. I can't eat healthier than I am: all whole grains, yams, potatoes, veggies, fruits, herbs/spices, nutritional yeast, seaweed- at least not without feeling hungry, deprived, and crazy (and even then, it wouldn't be 'healthier', just lower-calorie). I am not even eating processed sauces, sugars, or jams of any kind. Whatever weight I reach eating this way is going to be something I just need to accept. S

o, I'm not weighing for a while, I'm eating whenever I'm hungry, I'm consciously sitting down and enjoying my food, and eating until I'm satisfied.

I am also not wearing any clothes that feel at all tight because that is a huge trigger for me, and it's easy enough to just wear clothes that are baggy on me in order to make me feel thinner (crazy, but it matters in my mind).

One thread in the lounge about how other thin women on MWL (long-term) eat between 2000-3000 calories per day helped me so much!!! I now know I'm not crazy or out-of-control because I feel I need that much food. I can trust my hunger drive and eat until I'm satisfied.

Overall, much better. Still feeling fat sometimes, still scared a lot of the time, but I feel I'm getting better and I'm leaving my crazy thinking further behind each day. That's a scary thing when i am in anorexic-mode, but a great thing when I am in my right/healthy mind.

And, all the grains I've recently added seem to be readily accepted by my body. Now that my intestines have healed from the gluten-attacks earlier this year, it seems my digestive system is accepting almost anything I am giving it.

Thanks for the support everyone,
lfwfv

[KMD]

YAY! You made my day with this post. I'm really happy for you!