K2

[Anna Green]

Feelings smeelings. Slap him upside the head. In my conscious living group they like to talk about nonviolent communication. Yeh, whatever.

Girl, you look good in the picture you post. I can only imagine how good you look now.
I'm going to take your suggestion about the imagery. I haven't been doing that enough.

[Melinda]

Congratulations! You have achieved so much! I have missed you on the board, and am glad to see that you are back, and making amazing progress towards your goal. I am sorry about your husband's reaction - that must be very hard to take. Is he a nonchalant, laidback type of guy? Or does he find your weight loss threatening? Listen to us trying to analyze him! Anyway, have a great day!

[karin_kiwi]

What do you know.

Yesterday I'd put on a top I haven't worn in years (and I did look pretty decent for a fattie) and I was brushing my teeth. Jamie comes into the bathroom to brush his teeth and mumbles "you look good" in the way that he does (he has a very deep voice and it's easy to not hear what he says). I spat, smiled and said, "did you just notice?" and he told me he'd said it at the airport! Could have fooled me! He must have said it at the same time the kids were screaming, "Daddy! Daddy!" I told him I hadn't heard him and that's why I'd been grumpy, thinking he hadn't noticed.

So things are looking up. Oh, and yesterday afternoon at the nice little noodle shop where I get my veggies and rice, one of the women started gushing (in broken English) about how much thinner I was getting and how my eyes were large and beautiful and on and on. All the other staff were nodding and grinning their agreement (there weren't any other customers). That felt really good!

Now if I could just figure out why I'm losing hair at a rate of knots (ha ha)... It's not as bad as after I gave birth, but it's not good. Luckily I started off with about double the normal amount of hair. Maybe it's just the warmer weather and I'm shedding my winter coat.

I've booked my younger daughter for an appointment with a specialist children's clinic since her motor and vocal tics have gotten to the point we can't ignore them any more. Other kids are noticing and she's starting to worry. I'm hoping that it's something stress-related, but all the indications (duration, progression, number and nature of tics) suggest something like Tourette Syndrome. Why can't life be easy?

[ncyg46]

hope everything goes well with your daughter. Sounds like things are looking up for you! Maybe you are shedding your winter coat...I still lose too many hairs, but then I have a lot also....Maybe we just notice it more with longer hair?

[LauraA]

Hi Karin - your journal is very interesting, and I'm glad things are better with your husband! I don't know about the hair, but you do look like you have double the hair of many (as I do)! As for your daughter, I hope that that goes well! I have a daughter with autism who is unusual, but gives all of us so much pleasure, and has a great life for herself at age 24. I would never have guessed that she would do so well!
I do believe that life is a series of challenges, and that we need to expect them, and concentrate on how we deal with them. If we wait for everything to get perfect, it will be a long wait. If we think that once we are slim or fit, we'll have no problems, that is wrong also. I can say from experience - try really hard to keep the husband issues and the heath/weight loss issues separate if you can. I've been married for 42 years, and for years I was told that my overeating was because of some problems that I had. I was a binge or compulsive eater. I felt pretty happy, and could only come up with the fact that my husband was a workaholic, and didn't give me much attention. Before that, I blamed my mother. I now know, after reading The Pleasure Trap, exactly why I was overeating, and what junk food I was addicted to. Anyway, the first time that I lost a good bit of weight (maybe 20 years ago, and I lost about 45 pounds which at that time put me at a normal weight) my husband didn't notice or say much!! It made me crazy, and I gained it all back. It was convenient to have him to blame, as I went back to eating addictive junk!
Anyway, I now eat for health, and I do want to look better in clothes, but not for my husband. I don't think he cares much about clothes - mine or his!! Thanks for doing the journal. Take care, LauraA

[Tina]

Congratulations on your continuing weight loss, Karin! Don't worry about the hair loss; hair goes through cycles of growth, maintenance and shedding and you're probably just in the latter category right now. Take care, and keep up the good work!

[Anna Green]

I've thought a lot about food addiction, the pleasure trap. I do see my own addiction however it would be too simple for me to say it's the only factor when I eat junk. I know I am much more likely to eat junk when I am upset. Now one could say that's still the pleasure trap because I eat the junk because my brain is telling me that is where the pleasure is, that is where the dense calories are that will help me in the fight/flight response, that is where the relief is, the dopamine spikes, etc. But the bottom line is that the happier/peaceful I am the easier it is for me to say no to junk. Does it mean that I have to find a way to be happy/peaceful all the time in order not to eat junk? No, because I can't for one, and two I might still eat junk. It just means I need to have ways to deal with the feelings other than junk, and I have to plan for those times even more than other less stressful times. If it were only a matter of getting out of the pleasure trap no one would go back to the junk after the cravings stop. No one who has been sober for years would pick up the bottle again. I may not blame the job or a person for my eating junk but I may find alternatives in dealing with them or I may even choose to quit my job because the stress is too much and I tend to not care for myself when I'm stressed and therefore eat junk more. Pretending it's not a factor doesn't work for me. I also know I just have to stop eating the junk for the cravings to stop. It's both.

All this to say, people are complex. I need a whole bag of different tools, tricks to assist me. I find this site, my family and friends, exercise, potatoes, books, massage, sleep, etc all helpful in addressing the emotions, cravings etc that might contribute to me eating junk. Obviously I am still struggling but I have never kept at it this long before and I keep learning, keep addressing the crazies in my head that say eat fried chicken.

The reason I am so glad you have come back is I think I can say this to you and you know what I'm talking about. You seem ok with the gray. I know, it's all about me on your journal. Really I am glad you are back for you too if it helps.

[karin_kiwi]

double post

[karin_kiwi]

Hey Anna - I do understand, and you're one of the bright points on the board. I'm still feeling like hiding here in my own little corner of the journal section, but am very glad you found me.

My cravings have gone down a bit, but I find it is very much linked to my menstrual cycle. The week before my period I am Cruising for Food constantly. Doesn't matter how full I am, I just want to eat more and more. The bad stuff would be better, but I can still binge on "good" stuff. It was a relief when I looked back over the months and realized that's what was going on - that it wasn't some urge born out of my denial that was going to continue to build until I gave in. I now tell myself I know what's going on and I just need to limit the damage I do for the days I'm crazy and it will pass.

It's also helping me to tell myself that I need to see most non-McD food in the same way that an ex-smoker needs to see cigarettes and alcoholics need to see alcohol. Just one is too much and nowhere near enough. Meat and cheese and oil and even lowfat vegan junk food are always going to look good and (probably) taste good to me. I haven't had cheese in over a decade and the smell of it cooking still makes me salivate. I haven't had meat (in the form of meat - I'm sure I've had derivatives in broth/sauces) in years and I know I'm only one bite away from inhaling a whole container of chicken fried rice or half a roast chicken or a steak. That's just the way it is. It sucks - I wish I were one of those people who end up revolted at the sight/thought/touch of meat/dairy but I'm not and I've just gotta get over it.

I'm working on figuring out where the boundaries in my head around trigger and non-trigger treat foods are. By trigger, I mean something that's likely to cause a several day (if I'm lucky) binge on crap. I can draw a good solid line around the oil that is probably in the sauce of my veggies/rice that my local shop makes me (no oil in the wok) - I don't have the craving to add oil anywhere else. Every few weeks I have 2-3 pieces of inari, and the small amount of fried tofu doesn't set me off. I am fairly sure that if I just had even one bite of chicken or steak, though, that I'd have violated the "no meat" rule and then it would be a free-for-all.

Several weeks ago I was having a "f-everything" day. I didn't care. I was sick of everything, I was tired, I'd been working too hard and dammit, I wanted a treat that wasn't some lame and sanctimonious piece of fruit. I stole two little meringues from the kids - total sugar and egg white. I counted them in my food diary (all 80 calories), ate them, and moved on. I'm not planning to make a habit of that, but it does show that some junk food triggers me and some I'm able to put tightly into a self-contained box in my head. I'm not sure any of that makes sense!!!

Anyway, for me there's the axis of trigger vs non-trigger and also the spectrum from "health great" through "health neutral" to "health bad." For example, corn and potatoes and brown rice and veggies are in the top category. Towards the "health neutral" area are white rice, white pasta, and other processed foods that although they may not give me much beyond calories, they're not actively damaging me. Between the neutral and the bad end are some foods that I shouldn't eat but still do (high salt and processed mainly, though no fat and not that high calorie). At the bad end are the oils and vegan junk foods that are not only highly processed but also high fat and high calorie. They, interestingly, do tend to trigger me to want more crap. Boy, do I have a fat tooth.

I'm trying not to think about never getting a food high again. I don't have enough else in my life to offset that yet - certainly nothing that matches the intoxicating rush, pleasure and aftermath of gorging on unhealthy food. And I know that you get that there are two parts to that: the unhealthy food and the gorging, which are two separate things that may or may not overlap. I think everyone understands the appeal of the unhealthy food, I don't think everyone gets the appeal of the gorging and how it is different.



Anyway, I need to get back to my epilepsy report. I have a presentation on Tuesday and I only finished analysis yesterday... bye bye weekend!!!

[f1jim]

It gave me flashbacks of reading an article by Lou Reed in which he discussed his addiction to heroin. The language he used and your descriptions were very similar. No real point here, but boy reading your post was like channeling him.
f1jim

[Anna Green]

karin, You sound good and seem to be in a new place than before. Success does that huh as Jim always reminds us? You articulate your struggle well and you are generous in doing so. I think maybe I knew at times that Aunt Flo brought cravings as well but I forgot until now among other things. More than that I felt a sense of relief, my muscles actually relaxed when you talked about this. Thanks.

[Letha..]

Hi Karin,
I could really relate to the post you wrote yesterday. You express yourself very well. I think junk food will always look/smell good to me too. Doesn’t mean I have to act on it. Hope you are having a good weekend.
Letha

[karin_kiwi]

I've really been hitting my "comments" file - the one I've noted down people's positive reactions to how I look. Partly it's the Hell Week of the month.

But unfortunately what's really pulling me down now is that last week I had my suspicions confirmed - Fiona has Tourette's. On the scale of the things that CAN go wrong with your brain & body, this is pretty mild. But it does affect her - she is so frustrated by not being in control of her body and how she moves and makes noises. She's been punching herself in the head because she hates what her head is doing. The specialist I took her to had some good suggestions about other ways to let her vent her frustration that doesn't involve hurting herself. And she was very good at explaining to Fiona what was going on - luckily she used very similar concepts that I'd been using. Fiona's actually been a bit calmer since we saw the doctor. I'd told her prior to the appointment that I didn't think the doctor was going to be able to stop her tics, but that she'd be able to help her feel not so angry and suggest some ways she could feel better. And that's what she did. We get the full report in a week or so.

I just ache for her. We talk about it openly and she's happier (I think) now that we all know she's not able to stop the tics. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, because this is something she's going to have to live with for years and years, if not the rest of her life. So far other kids have only made a few comments - driven by curiosity, not meanness. But a classroom full of fairly rowdy 6- and 7-year-olds is a different environment than one of 13-year-olds and behavior that is just a little unusual in young kids is going to stand out a mile in teens. And being that different as an adolescent can be incredibly difficult. All I can do is hope that we support her and love her well enough now that she develops a strong sense of confidence to carry her through the bad times. Sigh. She's such a bright and lively and loving kid - I so much hope she keeps that.

So anyway, the comments file is what I have to lift myself up. Seeming kinda empty, though. I guess this is just a big fat example of the fact that losing weight/getting healthy isn't going to solve all my problems!

[bunsofaluminum]

losing weight and getting healthy won't solve all your problems, but won't it be nice to have the mental clarity, emotional calm, and physical energy to deal with the things that life does throw your way?

I am sorry to hear about the Tourette's...dang, not fun at all. I'm glad you posted about your daughter. Keep on with the "high nutrition/low processed" end of your food spectrum (very nice word picture) and keep on fueling your body with the best possible fuels.

You're learning curve just increased big time, eh? My prayers go with you (HUG)

[sksamboots]

My thoughts are with you. I think your right about building up her confidence, great parents