Buns Again

[bunsofaluminum]

Neat weekend. On Saturday, noonish, there was a swarm of bees in our shrub. I think the mature colony got crowded, but the beekeeper when she arrived said it might not be from our hives. I stepped on Wylie's toes on this one, though. Sorry bud, but a gallon of bees clustering in the yard needs to be dealt with, not thought about. Anyway, I looked on FB for local beekeepers and found a number with Wasatch Beekeepers Association, and they sent someone to help us. We learned a lot. And I hope Wylie adds another level to the mature hive. I have a personal code of conduct regarding nagging. If I see something that needs doing, that I can't handle or that Wylie wants to deal with himself, I mention it once and then leave it. I know he heard me, and will get to it. He doesn't need me mentioning it again, right? But I'll bring up the extra layer of living quarters again. This colony made it through the winter and has plenty of members. We don't want another swarm.

And on Sunday my sister and her family were over for an hour or so, just visiting for Mother's Day, and my daughter and her family came for a longer visit, for Orion's birthday party. Three years old! He was so dang adorable! And I put in my five hours at my PT job. And I need a day off. Anyway, I got the flaming munchies last night and ate a LOT of this Asian peanut snack mix...so good...couldn't stop. Lots of calories.

Hoping to do better today. I'm not hungry for breakfast. Seriously considering a 24 hour fast. Give my poor gut a break.

[bunsofaluminum]

Okay, if exercise leaves you feeling so good, why do I not just do it every day? I heard a little spiel by Joe Rogan, where he insists that if you have the energy to walk to the fridge, you can exercise. This is true. What is my dang problem then? Why don't I just get up and do 20 minutes of Qigong (which I love even more than yoga) in the morning? It isn't like my eating is creating lethargy. I've got energy, but I sit ALL THE TIME. There's plenty to do around here, but I sit ALL the time. It's ridiculous.

But I did do a Qigong practice this morning, and I do feel great. Can I set one goal, of doing Qigong every day? No excuses? It doesn't strain any of my joints, and even though it is 100% standing, it doesn't leave my feet aching.

My little food journal is abandoned again. Phooey on it. I'm trying to stay away from off plan snacking, but most days I eat something with fat, or something processed. The majority of my eating is whole foods, on plan, and every day something or quite a few things that are not. And that's how it is right now.

[bunsofaluminum]

I'm in a better place than I have been. calmer and not so ticked off at myself. Saying phooey on striving and failing and regretting to stay on plan...that self-acceptance breaks down stress, and frees me up to actually decide.

Meanwhile, I've got a Qigong streak going. I stand outside in the morning and so far have been doing the Eight Brocade routine. Feels good and doesn't leave my feet or knees aching.

[Morris]

I prayed the Serenity Prayer, which first mentions accepting things we cannot change(I can't change my husband's moods) but ALSO...changing the things I CAN, which includes my response. From now on, instead of interacting with him when he's on one, I'm leaving. That park is one block away, literally. It is at the end of my street, a river walkway and dog park, a playground. It's just lovely there, and when I need to, I'm going there. But thinking about it, what helped me more than anything was getting outside my head while I walked around just enjoying the place. Petted a dog, took pictures of the trail, the river, flowers, trees. Gave thanks for the blue sky and the sunshine, the sparkling clean air...it was wonderful. By the time I left, after about an hour, I was calm and peaceful. Stress gone.

That is why I like getting out into the woods -- never thought about it as getting outside my head though. But, yeah, I do focus on other things when I am out there. Good for you coming up with a plan. Hope things get better for you --

[SilverDollar123]

You ok Buns? Miss you! RAS

[bunsofaluminum]

Hi RAS and Nancy,

thanks for dropping by! I am doing a lot better, but not being very good about my food. I was already tired and bored with myself, and didn't need to be pissed at myself about going off plan, so I just haven't been getting pissed at myself, even though I go off plan pretty much every day.

Enjoying being outside frequently, and working at home is seeming more normal which makes me want to remain on remote even if they bring us back to working at the office. I'm on the fence about that, though. I enjoy the new team I'm on at work, and really love where I sit in the office, surrounded by goofballs and having a good laugh or two every day. I miss that. Otherwise, I'd just as soon stay working from home.

Today my little grandson came over for several hours while his mom and dad are painting the interior of their house. We had a fantastic time, chasing dinosaurs and eating mango cubes Love that little dude.

I created a pretty yummy fast dish for fixing in the microwave: frozen corn, rice. Heat through. Add kidney beans and stir. Season with salt, garlic powder, and chili powder. It tastes good, goes together fast, and is smack dab on plan. You could put spinach in that, for some greens as well.

[bunsofaluminum]

Thinking about making GOMBBS (or G BOMBS) for all my meals for a while. Starch base, with

Greens
Onions
Mushrooms
Beans
Berries
(seeds) (not every time)

This is easy to do, 100% whole food, completely within the MWL guidelines (except for seeds) and simple. SIMPLE. Like, I could follow MWL perfectly, if I made this my meal every time. And I could change it up so easily. Broccoli oatmeal for brekkie. A tex-mex potato GOMBBS bowl with chili powder, garlic, and cumin for seasonings over potato, corn, onion, black beans ALL over a pile of Romaine Lettuce, and sprinkled with raspberries and pepitas! oooh doesn't that sound good! Asian inspired over rice, using frozen stir fry vegs for my greens? Awesome! I think I'm going to do this!

[bunsofaluminum]

Wow. From moderately pressed down over the winter, to completely in the doldrums for quarantine. It took several weeks after coming home to work before I started feeling a little bit normal, and the coming of springtime helped a lot in that. Sunshine, greenery, flowers, bees, birds. LIFE! all lifted my spirits.

then murder. And grieving, and fear as my town did see some violent protests (a police car flipped over and burned, and some jackass came to the protest with a cross bow, got out of his car, aimed at the crowd while shouting "all lives matter!" and got himself and his car beat up)

and ANGER because I know that the riots were instigated by outside agitators ACROSS THE BOARD. My daughter participated for a couple of hours at the beginning of the SLC protests, where people were using their cars for social distancing, and a few on foot carrying signs. Things were peaceful when she left, and all the police were parked in the incoming roads, monitoring things but not interacting with the crowd. She has rightly questioned how an unattended cop car came to be parked on the street right where the protesters were, when the police had been monitoring more from a distance up to then. But I wasn't there. Surely it was just some random protesters that just decided to trash a cop car. Right?

Meanwhile, there's also video of a man throwing a water bottle at the cops, while things were peaceful and people were just standing around.

The man had a white supremacy symbol on his shirt. and I also saw video of an agitator casually walking along in St Paul, not one of the protesters (they were about a parking lot distance from him) and he was just walking along, dressed to conceal his identity, and breaking windows in a business. This was the first act of violence in St Paul and it INFURIATED me. So on top of my doldrums, and the grief at the murder in broad daylight of ANOTHER black person, I had to deal with some intense anger. There are forces determined to destroy us, and the tactics they employ are working.

I spent the day Saturday crying.

Wylie was almost 100% unsympathetic to my reaction, and I did calm myself down with some light hearted focus and calming music. And we had a wonderful evening sitting out back and looking at the clouds together. It was SO nice. Just with each other, the evening sky, and a light breeze. So emotionally I've been better this week. The weekend was pretty much hell, but things are better now, even though I am still very sad.

Meanwhile the eating has been right out of control. The main thing has been added fat, and all my joints are telling me about it today. I've never been in worse shape in my life. Of course, my job has involved sitting all day long since 2012...

Anyway.

From now on, I am leaving added fats out COMPLETELY. My knees are hurting and that happens when I eat high fat, which I have been doing. If I cut fats, I'll be happier. That, I know I can do. Or can I? My oomph is gone. QiGong also has fallen by the wayside after not even getting a full week in a row. SMH. I listened to the amazing story of David Goggins...he started out at 297 lbs and worked his ass off until he was able to join the Navy Seals and set a world record for most pull ups in 24 hours. He put his body through ALL kinds of punishment. He's a super runner. He does hundreds of miles at a time. Talked about peeing blood and crippled feet and STILL pushed through.

Amazing story, huge dedication, even obsession and I listened and said "wow" and moved on to the next thing.

So. When I have breakfast, I will not add fat. Today I will not add fat to my foods. I can do that much. Don't nobody ask me for more.

[bunsofaluminum]

I'm still here. Tomorrow is going to be fantastic, as I'm taking the day off of work and going on a day trip, up to our old stomping grounds in Idaho: Lava Hot Springs. One of my favorite people owns some property there, a small resort called Bristol Cabins. My friend's youngest kids run the place and she will be in town for her youngest's birthday I was like the third person in the world to hold this child when she was born so there is that we haven't seen each other for a few years, and I'm so excited about this. It will break me out of my doldrums and lift my spirits. Going with my two girls and my little grandson. It's gonna be SO NICE.

I did take Saturday off as well from my PT job, and spent the evening with Wylie. We just hung out and were sweet together, enjoyed each other. It was so nice. A lovely break. In fact, we had another really nice evening last week, sitting out back and looking at the clouds, quietly talking. It was ABSOLUTELY wonderful. Helped my mindset so much.

Getting on FB seems to be detrimental so I'm trying to avoid that. I found a 30 day devotional based on the teachings of Julian of Norwich which seems about my pace. My motivation and self discipline are nil at this time. Don't know how to get it all back. But going through each day, one at a time. And grateful for my little peaceful moments.

[bunsofaluminum]

Forgot to mention, my joints are feeling SO much better. My knee was really bad, and my feet were killing me but today they're pretty good. I avoided added fats, and also the weather got nicer, after several days of rain and cold temps. So I'm all set for going up to Idaho and seeing my favorite place in the world.

[bunsofaluminum]

Had a wonderful day visit with my beloved Idaho people! Best place on earth: Bristol Cabins at Lava Hot Springs Idaho. One of my lifelong friends owns the place, and two of her kids run it as a resort, where people visiting town can stay. There's green everywhere, a river runs on the border of the property, and it's just done up so cute. And of course, the people. I heart my Idaho peeps. And she is from St. Paul MN where the rioting was really bad. The residents were advised to bring everything behind locked doors and leave exterior and interior lights on. There were convenience stores in her neighborhood that were ravaged. Etc.

My feet were killing me before the end, but it was worth it. I bought a rain stick in town, and a pair of earrings.

Food...I'm doing about 80% on plan. Wish I knew what would actually turn my mind back to full bore, on top of it, no cheats, ON plan.

Exercise. Qi Gong went by the wayside, just like all the exercise regimens I try to follow. I am badly out of shape.

Depression. It's up and down. Yesterday I stood near the linden tree in the front yard. Lindens are in bloom right now and they smell SO good and I stood there inhaling the fragrance, and watched a couple of bees, even two bumble bees. That helped me a lot. In fact, I felt gratitude that was very close to joy. It was nice.

Also yesterday we helped my daughter move a friend out of her parents' house and afterwards, driving home at 10:00 pm with our car windows open and the fragrance of all the blooming linden trees, and probably Russian olive trees, and tired in a good way. I baked bread on Sunday which I will do again. That brought my mood up.

Also, last Wednesday (I think) I stopped going on FB. I've only posted anything a few times since then, paused two friends for 30 days, and haven't scrolled in my feed even one time. And! I haven't replaced it with any other screen time thing. This is helping push the depression back.

The summertime is always better for my mental health.

[bunsofaluminum]

This morning I went for a short walk. Maybe 10 minutes. Made my feet hurt...well, they hurt when I got out of bed, but putting on shoes helped as it always does, and I went outside, up to the close end of the street, and down the other side for just a modicum of movement. Better than nothing, and the cool air, the birds singing, the fragrance of the linden tree, the poppies in our neighbor's yard, the lightening sky. I'm glad I did it.

Taking a walk in the morning will help with this depression.

Baked bread again and maybe won't again for a while, as fresh baked bread means butter. It sure is good though.

Don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I've been staying away from FB, as the pandemic and the riots brought out contrary BS from my friends. I can't believe that there are some who are pooh-poohing the protests, picking up the standard crap and not hearing what they're trying to say. Or the opposite, if you don't jump into BLM with both feet, you're racist. Same with the pandemic. Who on EARTH would consider wearing a mask to protect people from the spread of the disease as a personal liberty thing? I just couldn't anymore, so I quit a couple of weeks ago. I've posted a few things, but I'm not scrolling in my feed, and I am not engaging any of the comments anywhere. In fact, I'm not clicking on anyone's stuff. Just not doing it. And not letting TikTok fill up the time I'm saving from FB.

So I have a bit of free time without screens. Hmmm. Maybe DO something with that time? MAKE something? Hmmm.

[bunsofaluminum]

Checking in with much less depression burden. We went camping with my brother and his wife over hte weekend, that lifted my spirits so much, and now it is in my memory cache, full of peace and calm, laughter, good conversations, some INCREDIBLE alone time out in a quiet place among the trees...a memory of healing and joy that I can recall whenever needed. The men were in charge of the kitchen and in fact, Wylie did all the cooking. Watching him move around, in his slimmer form (he's lost 20 lbs due to some tooth issues and now is continuing it with portion control) and he looked FINE. And he motivated me! I feel a little more capable of picking up and sticking with the McDougall plan. A bit of hope that I can actually do it.

Also, the higher level of activity reminded me of how good it feels to be up and doing. I want to get going with a deeply modified DDP Yoga regimen again. It was a wonderful time, and I feel good.

[bunsofaluminum]

the last few days, maybe four or five, my appetite has had a huge surge at about 3:30 in the morning. I'm talking loud rumbling, and STRONG hunger pangs. Wakes me up, and it's very uncomfortable. I do not eat in the nighttime, haven't ever needed to, and have never raided the fridge for a "midnight snack" in the middle of the night. So it isn't that I've "trained" my stomach to be awake and grumbling at that hour.

It usually dies away and except for today, I've been able to fall back asleep. I got up a little after 5:00, after laying in bed not falling back asleep for more than an hour. Ate a little bit early for brekkie. But why is my stomach waking up hungry at that hour? I do not understand.

I've trained my appetite several times. When I was strictly Zero Between Meals Eating, it got to where I didn't feel hungry until about 45 minutes before a meal. When I did an "eating window" after many days of feeling pretty hungry before breakfast at 10:00, I finally got to where I didn't feel hungry when my window was closed. So if I had gotten in the habit of eating at 3:30 a.m. I would expect my stomach to give me grief at that hour. But I never have. I eat dinner somewhere between 4:30 - 6:30 p.m. and have for years. Sometimes I have an after dinner snack, and some days I don't. But I NEVER eat at 3:30 in the morning. My appetite is NEVER awake at that hour...except this past several days.

I wonder what's going on.

Brekkie today was a GOMBBS bowl, minus the beans and seeds. Oatmeal, broccoli, mushroom, red onion, and berries. With Everything Bagel seasoning. YUM!

[bunsofaluminum]

pfft….found this on the second page. That's how long it's been since I posted, AND how long it's been since anybody else posted here. Probably folks are reading it. More tomorrow