Grit and Determination

[moonlight]

Monday Day 15 of 21-day MWL challenge

So, this morning my weight was up .4 lbs. from my night time snack binge. I thought it would be worse. What's worse is having to fight back all the craving again. I need to be very careful... I am hoping to exercise everyday this week and to eat more veggies and fruit. The casserole I made yesterday is about half starch and half veggies. If I pair that with a fresh salad or soup I'll be eating more veggies than starch. Fruits and vegetables often don't appeal to me. I want something that feels like it will "stick to my ribs", substantial. I don't even have to be very hungry to have that feeling...

30 minutes on water rower

B: Couscous
L: Vegetable Rice Casserole
D: Jicama salad and vegetable chili

[moonlight]

Tuesday Day 16 of 2nd 21-day challenge

Low energy today... this mood makes it hard for me to stay on diet plan. This is a diet. Eating all you want of just certain foods does not help some days.... however, late this afternoon I ate two big servings of coleslaw! I feel satisfied, at least. Today at the grocery store I was craving all kinds of things. I thought about buying donuts! Just thought about it. I decided on rice cakes. On the rice cake isle, just beside the plain low fat rice cakes were some fancy popped rice snacks with flavors I like, bbq and sweet chili. The nutrition label indicated 5 grams of fat per serving and the small bag had 3 servings. I knew I would eat the whole bag and besides I didn't want the added fat. Why is fat added to everything?!? I did splurge with low-fat cinnamon rice cakes. A little higher in calories than plain because of the sugar but still way better than the fancy popped rice snacks. I think they are considered to be on the MWL plan. I ate 3 rice cakes on the way home.... this was after I had eaten lunch before the grocery shopping.... something about my mood today... I'm determined not to go off plan tonight. I'm cooking rice to go with vegetable chili if I decide to eat again tonight. Coleslaw may have been my dinner.

B: oatmeal
L: vegetable rice casserole
snack: rice cakes
D: coleslaw and vegetable chili

[moonlight]

Wednesday Day 17 of 21-day challenge

Today may weight was down 2 lbs. Hopefully it will stay down. It's been going up and down a range of 4 lbs the last couple of weeks. I either go off the plan or I eat too much starch. I guess I'll not stress and consider the weight will eventually come off. I'm so looking forward to being a normal weight. And right now, I'm so looking forward to my BMI being in the overweight range rather than the obese range... I've got to lose 8 more pounds for that to happen. I did great only eating MWL plan food today. Tonight I'm afraid I ate too much starch. I had probably 2 cups of potatoes then had 3 rice cakes for a snack... I think I was doing the cram thing. I need to be more in control of cravings. They mimic hunger so easily and I'm really afraid to let myself get very hungry before I eat... I won't be surprised if my weight has gone back up at tomorrow's weigh-in...

30 minutes on water rower today

B: potato hash - very good
L: sprouted bean salad, chili with rice
snack: 1 rice cake
D: coleslaw and Potatoes baked FF
snack: 3 rice cakes

Late late night snack,,, two slices bread and chocolate soy milk

[moonlight]

Thursday Day 18 of 21-day challenge

No new recipes today. I ate lunch at Panera Bread. Did not stay on plan. My veggie half sandwich had cheese and I think pesto...I also had a Chai Latte... The calories posted for the sandwich was 220 for half and 220 for the Chai Latte, I think. I wonder if I try to sabotage my weight loss. This month it seems that every time I drop a couple of pounds I go off plan... Tonight I finished off the cinnamon (and sugar) flavored rice cakes. No more. I was eating too many at a time... Tomorrow I'll make some more recipes from 21 day menu.

B: Rice
Lunch: Half Mediterranean sandwich and Chai Latte at Panera's
Snack: Sprouted Salad - so very good
D: Vegetable chili and rice
snack: rice cakes, 3 or 4...

[moonlight]

Friday Day 19 of 21-day menu challenge

So, today I thought I would make a couple of new recipes from the 21-day menu in the MWL cookbook but I realized I still have so much prepared food. I made the Sabek's Tabouli. It was okay... I'm a fan of tabouli but I usually add more ingredients than what is in this recipe. I decided to add a few more vegetables. I added tomatoes, cucumber, and garlic. Very good! I have salads and entrees prepared so I won't add anymore new recipes today. For lunch I had the Vegetable Rice Casserole. It is very good. I used all of the "cheese sauce" (made with extra jar of pimentos and extra nutritional yeast and couscous instead of rice) over the top. It's a keeper. So many good recipes in this book. I think I'll be down to an ideal weight by the time I've finished cooking all the recipes. Then I can switch to one of the other cookbooks for the McDougall Plan. I've been re-reading the first cookbook. I might try to cook through all those recipes next. It's amazing how many recipes I skip over in a cookbook.

This morning I re-read Dr. McDougall's explanation of the role of saliva and the enzyme ptyalin in the digestion of carbohydrates. For breakfast I slowed down and counted how many times I chewed each bite of food. I usually eat so fast. Ptyalin and saliva and the chewing process makes our food taste sweeter and helps us become sated quicker with less food. He says chewing is another secret to efficient weight loss.

Rowed 30 minutes on water-rower this morning. Hoping to row again this evening. Wouldn't that be hot?!?

B: Bulgar
L: Vegetable Rice (Couscous) Casserole - very good.

[moonlight]

Wednesday (195.8 lbs) Day 45

I gone through two 21-day cycles and tried to cook all the recipes on the 21 day sample menu in the MWL cookbook. I don't think I've even cooked half of them. Each recipe makes enough for 3-4 meals or more. I'm going to abandon the sample menu. I plan to continue cooking through the recipes. I'm determined to try all the recipes at least once. I'm learning so much about new food combinations for cooking without oil, meat, and dairy. Previously when I ate this way I would feel like my meals were monotonous and eventually give up on this diet. I have several new favorite recipes now. I've also learned that I like to have 2 or 3 prepared salads in my fridge. That helps me eat more raw veggies. I'd like to eat half starch and half veggies or even 1/3 starch.

In the last few days I've made three new MWL recipes: cucumber and watercress salad, zucchini slaw, and potato casserole. They are all very good. The zucchini slaw and potato casserole are recipes I would never have chosen to prepare. Neither of them seem appealing just by reading the recipe. I have never wanted to eat zucchini and summer squash raw. After the squash has marinated in the dressing it softens and is delicious. Likewise, potatoes and tomato sauce don't appeal to me but the taste is surprisingly good. Even looking at that dish prepared and ready to eat after I've already eaten it once, it still doesn't look appealing. I doubt I'll ever crave potatoes and tomato sauce, but it's a satisfying meal.

Yesterday I managed to row twice on my water rower. 30 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening. This morning I felt a little sore in my back, but not too much. I rowed 20 minutes this morning. If I'm not too sore, I hope to row 30 minutes tonight.

So, I've been on this diet for 45 days and I've lost a total of 12.6 lbs. I lost more weight the first month than I have this month. I hope by increasing my exercise and trying to eat more vegetables I'll get back to losing 3 lbs a week. I guess it's okay to be obsessed with my weight and how many pounds I'm losing. After all, one of my goals is to be a healthy weight. Some people prefer to only focus on their diet and trust the weight will come off. I guess I find it motivating to follow my weight. Weighing is the first thing I do every morning and I think about it throughout the day. When I'm up a pound it helps me be stricter with myself to follow the plan. When I'm down a pound it motivates me to try for another pound. Having a scale with an app for my phone has made a real difference for me. I like keeping a record of my weight and it is so easy to keep using the app. I wonder if I'll lose interest in daily weigh-ins after I am a normal weight. I wonder, too, which is harder, losing weight or keeping it off. I think, at least for a while, keeping it off will be challenging. I hope by May I'll be faced with this challenge!

B: Rice and fruit salad
L: Vegetable casserole with BBQ sauce, zucchini slaw
D: Cabbage slaw, fast minestrone, and potato casserole
Snack: sweet potato FF with ketchup

[moonlight]

Thursday Day 46
This morning the scales indicated I had lost 2 lbs. since yesterday morning. I guess the extra exercise and increased raw salads have made a difference! I started taking B12, too. I feel that the B12 has increased my energy levels. I'm at 25% of my goal of getting my BMI within a normal range.

I made the MWL mushroom dip recipe. I like it. Not sure it is one I'll want to make again as written. I might change up the spices next time. Oregano, basil, and sage don't scream dip to me... It will probably be good over baked potatoes. I'm wanting a dip, maybe bean spread for rice cakes.

30 min on water rower

B: potato hash browns with corn, onions, and peppers - baked - one of my favorite morning meals
L: fast minestrone, rice, with fresh cilantro and cucumber and watercress salad over romaine lettuce
Snack: veggie sushi
Dinner: okra and potato casserole
Snacks: popcorn and a banana

[moonlight]

Friday Day 47

Still keeping 2 lb weight loss. Yay!

30 min on water rower before breakfast

B: Baked FF potatoes
L: Zucchini slaw with rice and lettuce
Snack: black-eyed peas

[moonlight]

Tuesday Day 51 - Confessions of a frustrated vegan want-to-be...

So, until last Friday I was humming along on my weight loss journey then my willpower buckled at the knees. It started with eating cheesecake for my husband's birthday Friday evening. Then I think the craving just would not stop and I could not keep enough willpower going. Before going to bed I ate a half tuna salad sandwich that I found in the fridge. During the night I woke up and ate Ritz crackers and cheese. I have eaten off MWL plan, some each day since. Yesterday I stayed within the MWL guidelines and just ate more than usual, mostly potaotes until I woke up during the night and ate two slices of bread. This afternoon I ate a ham sandwich with mustard, thankfully not mayo... I also ate some gingersnap cookies and chocolate milk. Argh! I need to get a grip! I guess once I got the taste of the cheesecake I lost some of my willpower. I've been on the diet for two months now. I struggle almost daily to stay on the plan. I have had a few days where it was easy and I had plenty of energy but mostly it is a struggle. I keep prepared food that's on the plan, I just crave other food... I guess last week I thought I had finally hit a stride of lots of energy, exercising more days than not. I know I'll just re-commit and get myself going again. I'll have to pay the price though. The first few days of withdrawal will need to happen all over again. I'm committed to losing this weight so I will do it. I wish it would be easier.... I feel like I try so hard... I calculated the amount of times I've gone off the MWL plan and it comes out to less than 10% so I should be grateful for the 90% compliance but it is frustrating that I lose my willpower, knowing all along that I will be sorry later. So, now that I've whined and ranted maybe I can get back down to the business of losing weight. Friday I weighed 194 and was so happy because I had lost 14 lbs. Today the scales were up 2.5 lbs. - and that was before I ate the ham sandwich. Argh! I'm going to focus on exercising more. I think that keeps a lot in check, my attitude, my appetite, and my sleep. I've got this very bad habit of eating during the night. I thought I had gotten that bad habit behind me but it has gained in strength.

B: Nice breakfast of potatoes, mushrooms, onions, and bell pepers
L: small amount of sprouted bean salad
snack: ham sandwich, ginger snaps, and chocolate milk - argh! Probably due to not eating properly for lunch...
Dinner plan: MWL vegetable chili and rice

I was able to row 45 minutes on the water rower. 15 minutes more than previously. Yay me! I also increased the strokes per minute for a little increased intensity for about 3 minutes at the end. I usually row between 27 - 30 strokes per minute. I was able to sustain 32-33 strokes per minute for 3 or so minutes.

[moonlight]

Thursday Day 53

So, yesterday my weight went back down to 194. Yesterday I exercised (40 minutes on the water rower) and stayed on my MWL plan until I went out to dinner with a friend. I am having trouble finding something to eat at the restaurants I end up at or have trouble making good decisions. I'm not wanting to talk about my diet choices.... this is so different than the last time I switched to a vegan diet. I wasn't shy about it at all then but I was a normal weight. I think maybe because I need to lose weight I'm being more private about it. Last night my friend wanted to get and share an appetizer of fried cheese sticks. I agreed, planning to only eat one, then ate 3 of the fried things. I need to get a grip. It sounds like just an excuse now, in the daylight. Being aware of my mistakes, reflecting on them, writing about them is my way of processing and finding an answer. It's really not like me to be so reserved about my food choices. It's like I don't want to discuss it. I think I feel that way about a lot of things in my life right now. Just not engaging much.

Managed to row 30 minutes this evening!

Today's food journal:
B: Diced potatoes baked in oven and mixed with sauted onions, corn, bell pepers, pimentoes, and jalapenos.- one of my favorite breakfast meals when I have time to prepare it.
L: Rice and vegetable chili
snack: 4 rice cakes!
D: rice and veggies with nice Dijon dressing

[moonlight]

Saturday Day 55

New yummy recipes from the MWL cookbook! I made the Zucchini Corn salad, the Baja Soup, and the Squashy Black Beans today. They are all keepers! It took like 3 hours to make everything. Lots of chopping. It was worth it, though. I have enough food to last a few days. I still have a little sprouted bean salad from last week.

Now, somehow I need to get up the willpower to row today. I think the exercise is making such a difference in losing weight faster and it lifts my mood.

B: Rice with sautéed onions, red peppers, and garlic in a nutritional yeast based sauce - yum!
L: a sampling of zucchini corn salad, Baja soup, and squashy beans over rice - Yum!

[moonlight]

Monday (194 lbs) Day 57
Night-time eating happened again last night. Argh!!! I had two slices of cheese...

So today I saw the pattern of hard, frustrating work at the computer and wanting to eat large amounts of simple carbohydrates. I think it is my brain demanding more glucose to function! This grueling computer work is what led me down the path to a BMI of 33... I sit and work all day, not really getting finished - there's no stopping point when writing a manuscript, except to get to the final draft... I have this bad habit of sitting in front of the computer for hours without moving around, without taking time to prepare meals. Then when I do take a break I might go for a walk but I really crave carbohydrates - like bread and pasta. I want to get a full full stomach on carbs. I'm really not sure if it is some kind of comfort thing or if it is my brain using up all its glucose and needing more. (I'm not really even sure that's what the brain uses for energy.) It is complex demanding work. Today I gave in and had two slices of bread. I, at least, made a chickpea spread that was compliant with MWL plan to go between bread slices... later I ate my husband's leftover quarter of sandwich - cheese, ham, and lots of mayo... then later I ate some halva.... this is in addition to eating meals that were on my diet plan...
B: rice, onions, mushrooms, and tomatoes
L: squashy black beans and rice
2nd L: Baja soup and rice
Dinner: 3 Idaho potatoes sliced and baked, ketchup

No exercise... except for 20 minute walk with my dog

Sunday Day 56

I rowed 30 minutes on water rower while listening to dharma talk by Tara Brock - very nice

I decided not to eat until I was hungry because I had eaten during the night, again... I gotta get a grip on this night-time eating! So hard to break this habit. I wake up and can't go back to sleep. I think eating is the only thing I can do to calm myself and make me sleepy enough to go back to sleep. So, I didn't eat until probably 2:00 in the afternoon. I didn't even feel very hungry at 2:00. Maybe since I exercised first thing in the morning my appetite was suppressed.

We had a house guest for dinner and to spend the night. For dinner I served the squashy black beans over rice and the zucchini and corn salad. I got the feeling she was a little concerned about not getting enough protein. She didn't just say that but she commented on how the rice and beans were a good combination for the protein. I had planned to serve halva for dessert but she said she didn't like halva so we had no dessert - I didn't have a back-up plan... I really didn't want to have dessert leftovers so I didn't make a cake or anything. Anyway, I felt the meal wasn't a huge success... I think my taste buds have changed. What's tasty to me is not necessarily satisfying to others.

[moonlight]

Thursday Day 60

New recipe from MWL cookbook - Garbanzo Curry - very good! Easy to make, not too spicy. I might increase the spices the next time I make it. I had it over rice. Yummy!

I'm not remembering to document my daily thoughts and actions regarding my MWL diet plan to healthiness. I think journaling helps me stay on track with my expectations and realizations of my ability to stay with the plan. I have struggled this week some. I'd like to get back to 100% or at least 90% on plan. I realized last night that I've been letting myself get too hungry and I don't have enough food ready to eat. Also, I've let myself get dehydrated, which I think makes me crave food.

Yesterday I started off good with exercise then oatmeal for breakfast. I packed a lunch of Baja soup and raw carrots and celery. By 3:00 I was so very hungry and I had eaten all of my food! I was working and unable to go to a store or out to restaurant to eat. I ate a package of peanut butter crackers. Then I left work about an hour later than normal, with a 1 hour drive to get home. On the way home I kept thinking I would stop at a fast food place. I couldn't do it. I never really ate at fast food places before my diet. So unhealthy and no Wendy's to go to. I waited until I got to a large grocery store and got veggie sushi and seaweed salad. I felt good about that. But, after I got home I decided to eat cornbread that my husband made with more Baja soup. Then later I decided to eat a few chips, then crackers, cheese, and sandwich meat, then finally a piece of cold pizza.... I realized I had not drank enough water and if I would drink water I probably would stop eating but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I woke up during the night and drank a bunch of water - at least I didn't get up and eat more.

Tuesday I exercised in the morning, had some oatmeal and ran out the door. Worked until 2:00 without lunch. Met a friend for Mexican and had a veggie burrito. It had a lot of veggies, even broccoli, but I'm sure it was high in fat. That evening I ate soup but put cornbread in it... I don't think I ate anymore that evening...

I refuse to give up. I refuse to feel really bad about myself for letting my willpower down. This is a process. Today I'll make better choices. I'm pleased that I've increased exercise. I look forward to it! I have dropped a size in pants. I'm going in the right direction. I just need to keep taking care of myself. I try to keep in mind the phrase in a poem I read often: "Look at yourself through the eyes of love and understanding." If a friend told me she was trying to eat a more healthy diet but had not been 100% compliant, what would I say? I hope I would comfort her, tell her it's a process, no one is 100% perfect all the time, and to just start where she is and go forward. I am telling myself that today!!

Goals: Exercise, drink plenty of fluids, eat more starch!

45 min on water rower Woot! Woot!

B: Millet with Maple Grove Farms Wasabi Dijon fat free dressing - Yum!
L: Corn and Zucchini salad with lettuce and millet
D: Garbanzo Curry with rice

[moonlight]

Saturday Day 62
This morning I made another MWL cookbook recipe - Sweet Potato Beginnings. So very good! Heavenly! I made half the recipe, 2 servings but could not finish all of it. Wondering if it will reheat and be as good...

Yesterday I did not stay on plan, again! I hope today will be the beginning of a solid week of MWL plan and daily exercise. I've stayed at same weight for 3 weeks. I think the reason my weight hasn't gone up is I'm still eating 80% MWL and I'm exercising. It's comforting that I can sustain a weight loss over a few weeks. (Looking on the bright side!) Theme this week is stay on plan!!!

B: Sweet Potato Beginnings recipe from MWL cookbook
30 min on water rower!!
L: last of sprouted bean salad with added corn and Baja soup
D: 3 yellow potatoes baked FF with a little ketchup and hot mustard
Snack: corn chips, approx. 1/2 cup and jalapenos

[moonlight]

Sunday Day 63

Today I made coleslaw with shredded radishes, purple and white cabbage, shredded carrots and celery, with Dijon Wasabi dressing - Yum! I made the Lentil Vegetable Soup from MWL cookbook. It is very good! I also made the Mushroom with Wild Rice recipe. Another keeper! I feel set for a couple of days for food. I want to make another salad and another entrée for the week.

Rowed 25 minutes this morning. Hope to row again this evening. I read that to lose weight one should aim for 40 to 60 minutes of moderate intensity exercise 5 days a week.

My plan is to stay On Plan for 24 hours. Last night I woke up and ate twice - banana sandwich and then cheese and crackers. On the verge of binging...