Journal of my journey

[WeeSpeck]

Carrot size is important. Thanks for calling out the source of the recipe.

[Morris]

April 22, 2019

Yesterday, I came across a quote: "A real decision is measured by the fact that you have taken a new action" ~Tony Robbins. This is speaking to me because it appears that I have not really made that decision to get with the plan more completely. The action that I need to take is to resist that junk food, and so far it is not even measurable because I have been giving in to that temptation on a daily basis.

Frankly, I am getting tired of my indecisiveness to get with the plan. Yesterday, sitting around the table, the realization of how quickly my dad is deteriorating was apparent. I thought my mom was exaggerating. I need to get a handle of my emotional eating because I think it is going to be a rough ride ahead...had a taste of it last summer with my mom's surgery and slow recovery and then my dad's fall ---aging sucks!

[Morris]

April 23, 2019

I ate a bit better yesterday and even though I did not sleep well last night, I am in a better mood today than I have been lately. Amazing the power of greens. My race is on Saturday. Just hoping I don't add too much fiber right before race day - if you know what I mean..

I am doing another challenge where they have so many points for reading labels - I am not getting many points for that category because the meals I am eating do not have labels because they are homemade - oh well.

My eating plan for today:
coffee
rice cauliflower oatmeal with blueberries

I want to make a lentil dish using one of Vegan Richa's recipes. I think it'd be a great way to make some bowls by adding rice and greens to it. I'll see how much time I have today. I am definitely learning the value of plan and prepare. I just need to do it. Yesterday, I cooked up a bag of spinach and divided it up into single size servings to freeze. I do this with beans so that I can add it to my salads.

I really need to organize my time better, I am too spontaneous and don't plan ahead well. Now, I am behind in getting things done. So, time for me to get moving

[Morris]

April 24, 2019

3 days and a wakeup til my 10k race - I am so unprepared. My eating has been so off plan and I have not been exercising according to my plan. I did do a 5 mile run last week so I am not too concerned about doing the distance.

I did go to the state park for my run yesterday, but the route I choose was flooded. so I changed route and ran toward the campground - checking out what site i want this summer. There are 2 that are a bit separate from the rest - I think I may pick one of those while I get accustomed to the night time noises. I'll start close to home first - in case I get nervous (read scared here) then I can go home if I need to - hahaha

I was close to my eating plan yesterday I started my day with oatmeal, flax seed and blueberries. Then I went for my run.

When I came back I ended up eating about 4 Hawaiian rolls with butter. Then I went out and worked in the yard - I am clearing a wild raspberry patch that has been neglected for about 6 years now. I ended up clearing about 2/3 of the patch. But, what I left behind seems to be healthy. It was interesting because by the time I finished, the leaves were starting to bud. It was like I was able to watch the leaves come out of the bud. It is so cool to see nature in action.

I took a break and had a chocolate shake and 3 chocolate chip cookies.

I took a nap and then realized I was getting hungry. I fought the urge to grab some more of those Hawaiian rolls and made a batch of Curried Lentil Sweet Potato served it over rice and ate a salad with it.

The bad thing is that I am highly sensitive to poison ivy and it is all over my yard. - I feel my arms starting to itch and the rash is breaking out this morning. oh joy! I get a rash almost every time I do yard work - so much that I often remark that I must be allergic to yard work - haha. I knew I'd break out today when I saw those berries that I grabbed when I was clearing the raspberry patch.

Not sure how my eating will go today - hubby has a doctor appointment and he is talking about going out to lunch with my mom and dad - but after Sunday, they were pretty tired. So, I am not sure what the plans are for today. But I will at least start my day with oatmeal and berries.

I really need to work on my snacking - that is where and when I usually go off plan. It is hard not to have it in the house, that is easier said than done. I buy fruit for me but find myself grabbing the junk instead. One thing I have going for me is that hubby is not wanting to go out to eat as much.

My mood is better today - hopefully my eating will follow

[Morris]

reposting a blog I put on another site:

My quote for today is: "The reward of our work is not what we get but who we become." - Paulo Coelho

Too often we are told to reward ourselves when we reach a milestone on our journey, such as a piece of clothing, a music cd, a trip, etc. We often overlook that the real reward is internal - it becomes a part of who we are.

Unfortunately, sometimes our reward is negative. I say this because I have been struggling these past couple of months. Did I say couple? Truthfully, this struggle has been going on for over 2 years now. I just cannot seem to get with my chosen plan.

But rather than focusing on the negative - to say I have become a person that constantly fails to meet the goals I have set; I choose to be positive and am enjoying my reward that I am a person who has not thrown in the towel and I am still getting up when I fall, I am still pushing forward when I take a few steps back.

I have become a person who has not quit!

I have a certificate hanging on my wall that I had successfully completed the 5K 101 program. It is dated 4 years ago and I still look at and have that sense of accomplishment. Why? It took me over 2 years to complete an 8 week program. I would start then get distracted and do something else or would not fully do the given workout for the week. Then one day, I decided I would complete that program from start to finish - completely and fully do each workout 3 times a week. My reward was much more than a certificate to hang on my wall.

So, today is a new day and I am receiving the reward of a new opportunity to meet my goals that I have set for myself: I am not a quitter!

[Morris]

April 25, 2019

Late start this morning, I had a restless sleep and around 4 o'clock I thought about getting up. Instead, I wondered if I could fall back to sleep - I woke up a bit before 9:00. Man, did that feel good to get that extra sleep. But then, today is one day that nothing is really planned for me to have to leave until later on in the day. So, no need to get up early to get my "me" time in for the day.

Yesterday was busy, first I had to fill the trash can for garbage pick up - I am still throwing out SIL's stuff that he left behind. Remember, he left in October - each week I fill the trash bin. I am hoping in the next 2 or 3 weeks I'll be done and then I can cancel that extra bin. We have too many reminders of the crap D1 and Sil put us through. Fortunate for hubby, he is going through some pain management sessions and they are telling him to transfer some of those techniques to anger management. He finally has someone who is well-trained and works with him instead of just prescribing a pill. He is learning some good techniques to apply.

While, hubby was at his appointment, I stopped at my parents and said, "I only have an hour, what do you need done." --talk about a workout cleaning house - I was sweating like crazy by the time I was finished. They are going to put the house on the market soon and I suppose, I really ought to go into town more to help them out. I am like them and am procrastinating - I grew up in that house and when it sells it is going to be a major emotional adjustment that i"ll have to make.

Then it was back home and took a bit of a rest, then off to running class. About half the class is attending the race on Saturday, but they are doing the longer distance of the half marathon. One lady asked me to switch and run with her, but I did not train for that distance, we agreed to train for it next year - So I may be doing the half marathon in a year. That gives me 52 weeks to prepare - haha.

My eating is getting more focused, but I am still struggling with the snacking. Referring back to the quote the other day - "A real decision is measured by the fact you have taken a new action." ~Tony Robbins. I am thinking that my new action is going to have to be "no action" and I need to resist the temptation and stop making excuses as to why I want to ________ and _________. I realize it is stupid to say, "Hubby or D1 or _______ frustrated me, so I am going to eat _________. " Then I feel even more like crap. It is a cycle I want to break because I see the stupidity of it all. Is this what addicts go through when they want to stop their addiction, but keep going back to it.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I have a memory of listening to one of Doug Lisles (spelling ?) videos and he mentioned that it will take someone 8 times of quitting smoking before being successful. So, I just keep pushin' on hoping that my breakthrough will happen soon.

I am hoping to make my version of Engine2's Shepherd pie today - it is a lentil mashed potato dish. I tweaked it to resemble on of my favorite dishes and it is so close that I am happy with my "vegan" version of the dish - one of the few times I actually enjoy trying to duplicate a dish. I like Lentilogna - red lentils made to resemble lunch meat - it is just red lentils and tomato sauce with spice, it makes a great addition to a sandwich. and Carrot dogs.

Well, I have to get going - yard work needs to be done - I am sill breaking out in a rash from the other day - I swear just thinking about doing the yardwork causes me to get a rash. We have so much poison ivy and I usually do not pay attention and often stick my hands and arms right in the patch or I mow over it and it lands on me. Small price to pay for not having neighbors right on top of us.

Keep on Starchin'!

[Morris]

April 26, 2019

Tomorrow is race day - no biggie for me since I really don't push myself too much on race days, I do charity runs where the $$ stay local. However, as I reviewed my time from the previous years, I noticed that I did have a PB last year. So, I have a goal to beat, should I decide to go for it. It is supposed to snow tomorrow - 1-3 inches are predicted. Hope I don't wimp out.

I know I was going to only weigh myself once a week, but I am finding that I am having an obsession with the scale - it is frustrating, I am stuck at a weight I do not want to be at and the scale is moving in the wrong direction, even when I think my eating was not too bad.

I need to focus on the calorie density and stop snacking junk. Simple right? I am dealing with frustration and a bit of anger yet. Will it ever get better? Hubby's constant yapping is getting on my nerves. The other day, while in the car, I started a conversation but what does hubby do? He answers completely off topic and goes on with a monologue for about 15 minutes. It was like I was listening to him practice for a high school presentation. GAWD! it is so frustrating not to be able to have a normal conversation with the guy. Is this the beginning of dementia?

Although we have always done this, where we would constantly change subjects while talking, but to have him monopolize the conversation has gotten so old now, he does this with every one he talks to, he goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

Friends of the Library is having their book sale - I found a copy of Secrets From the Eating Lab by Traci Mann, PH.D -- She is a professor at the University of Minnesoat and founded the Health and Eating Lab. The book has 46 pages of references. Flipping through the book, it seems to be echoing a lot of what Dr. McDougall has been saying all along.It should be an interesting read, if I can get through it.

Here is the quote from the first chapter - it describes me: "You study self-control? You should study me, I have great self-control." ~~Nobody Ever

The first chapter tells why diets don't work - the key to answering this is how to define "work", what makes a diet successful?
1.) to lose any weight for any length of time? 2.)to lose 40 pounds? 20 pounds? 10% of your weight? 5%of your weight? The the progression downward in the defining of a successful diet? Make it a bit easier to do. But then, some diet promoters, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc depend on repeat customers.

Often before a diet one will define:
1. Goal weight
2. Dream weight
3. Acceptable weight (not really happy with this weight, but I'll learn to accept it)
4. Disappointing weight

That last one is where a lot of people end up when they "diet" -- I know that right now that is where I am at, especially since I experienced a dream weight a few months ago. I gained back some of the weight I have lost and now it seems to be hanging on for dear life. I know that can and will change if I tighten up what I am eating. STOP EATING JUNK and I will get back on track.

My take away from this first chapter: "What really matters is keeping the weight off rather than taking it off." I have often heard that keeping it off is harder than taking off that excess weight.

I made my Lentil Pie yesterday - I used a Klondike Rose potato for the mashed, it is red skinned potato with a yellow flesh. It is one of my favorite potatoes but it does not mash well. Any one know the best potato for mashing?

My eating plan for today:
coffee
oatmeal with a fruit and nut mix, flax seed, banana and mandarin orange

Leftover Lentil Pie
salad

broccoli
potato
black beans
salad

My exercise will be raking the yard, I want to rest a bit before the race - hopefully I'll be able to sit a bit and read my book.

[bunsofaluminum]

I feel you, on the non-stop chatter. I dated a guy who talked a LOT and sometimes it was tiring. Have you looked into any helps for you? Like, how do you get him to be quiet, etc. I wonder if there is some mental thing going on that makes him babble on and on and on.

Anyway, your exercise routine as always is so impressive! You keep yourself active, and that's great. Well done

[Salo]

GAWD! it is so frustrating not to be able to have a normal conversation with the guy. Is this the beginning of dementia?

Although we have always done this, where we would constantly change subjects while talking, but to have him monopolize the conversation has gotten so old now, he does this with every one he talks to, he goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

Wow - are we married to the same guy? Or does my husband have a missing brother? When I read your post I thought you describe my man. Except the fact that my husband doesn't talk that much to me. To anyone else, but not to me. When we talk to each other and then it's my part to respond he usually switches the topic or doesn't know what we are actually talking about anymore. I remember days when we had no more than "Good morning". Ironically, he tells others he loves the deep conversations with me, lol...

[Morris]

April 28, 2019

Many thanks to those of you who have let me know that I am not alone in my struggle (or should I say frustration). It makes my situation seem not so out there and unique. It is like I say, we all struggle with some issue but it will manifest in different ways with different people. As the saying goes "You are unique; just like every one else."

The weather was great for the race yesterday, although it was a bit cool - I had to layer up and wear gloves. It was not my best time, but I did not really have a true and determined goal to meet when I started. I did not train as well as I should have so I basically had a goal of just finishing and not being sore afterward. Goal accomplished. 1:11:09 - I wore my Garmin watch and had it set to alert me each 1/2 mile and when I looked at the data I saw that each 1/2 mile pace was within 30 seconds of the previous - that translates to me that while I may not have been running super fast, I at least ran a steady pace. I slowed down a bit om miles 3 and 4 but kicked it up a notch the last 2 miles. --That makes me feel better about my race time because usually I start out way too fast and end up slowing down at the end. I have been working on finishing a bit faster than when I start.

This race course was also set up for the half and full marathon so there were different mile markers on the course. At the end there was mile 13 right before we turn the corner to cross the line. I was fighting the voice inside my head that was telling me it was too hard to keep going and I needed to stop and take a break - I ignored it and kept going and one of my finisher photos actually caught that fraction of a second where both my feet are off the ground -- WHOO HOOO!

When I first started running there was a big to-do about are you a jogger or a runner and one source defined runners as those who have both feet off the ground -- It is official now "I AM A RUNNER!" This summer is going to be my 10th anniversary for my running journey. Although I have had periods of slacking off, I got right back to it each summer. Those of you that have followed my journey here know where I am going with this - I have not quit, but keep pushing forward.

It is the same with my eating - These past 2 years have been so hard on me to get with the program and frankly, I am getting tired of being pushed around by others (Hershey's, Lays etc,) Plus the fact that hubby calls me while I was still on the race course - I use my phone for music and to track my mileage, I thought I put it on do not disturb, but I guess I did not - Seriously?? to call me while I was racing. I ignored the call but boy, oh boy, did that set the tone for the rest of my day. Needless to say, my eating sucked after that.

I am going to give myself credit for not stopping at the chocolate shop or the Dairy Queen that were open in the town where the race was held. He used the excuse that he thought I was finished running, but I am not buying it because in the past I always sent a text with my race time right after I finished. He, the passive aggressive person that he is, was letting me know I have been too busy with other chores and am not giving him the attention he craves.

By evening, I did try to get back on track by making a smoothie - I know smoothies are not recommended but it was better than my other choices that I was eating. My smoothie had: banana, mandarin orange, mango, blueberries, and spinach - and man, it was so refreshing going down - I drank it slowly and tried to pick out the different flavors and it was a good mix because I could actually taste the different ingredients in it. To this I will say, "At least I was tasting it and not just slamming it down."

So, once again - Today is day 1
A starch' I will go...

Oh, and I actually had the thought: if I were 2 seconds slower for my race I could have had 1:11:11 for my time

[Morris]

April 29,2019

I am at a loss as to what to post today. I feel like I am so negative all the time and I am not really liking the way I am feeling. Plus it has been gloomy these past few days. But on the positive, there is no snow on the ground this morning. But it rained during the night so I cannot do the yard work I was hoping to get done this morning.

It is running class today, which means GD1 will be here. I am so glad that she still has an interest to do this with g'ma and g'pa. It also means a lot of drive time; I have to go get her from school -(1/2 hour drive one way) and then the class is in the other direction (20 minutes one way). That is almost 2 hours in the car for an one hour class.

I had a memory photo pop up in my facebook feed. I was wearing a Nike shirt that I got in 2009, when Nike did the Human race. I still have the shirt because it is my reminder of when I started running - this summer will be my 10th anniversary of when I started running. It is also the beginning of when I started my original weight loss journey.

It is sort of depressing to realize that I am currently fighting a weight gain. Fortunately, it seems to be holding, but I do not feel comfortable carrying this extra weight (about 5-6 pounds) from where I was 1/2 year ago.

For inspiration, I have been reading some of the posts on this board. I should really read the McDougall stars posts so I can get that extra motivation. Here in the journal section it so so full of struggling and drop outs. But let's be real - it is a real struggle out there because there is temptation every where. I recall one time I went into an auto part store and the first thing I saw was a huge display of candy. Candy? In an auto part store?

I am not liking how I am feeling; I listen to hubby complain often (way more than I care to) about how awful he feels. Yet, neither of us seem to be taking the necessary steps to help ourselves feel better. I am thankful that at least I have kept up with the running because I am convinced that is the reason I have not yet ballooned back to my heaviest weight.

[Morris]

April 29. 2019

I really need to have an attitude adjustment and start focusing on things to be grateful for instead of looking for things to gripe about. I had a good time at running class with my granddaughter; we ran three miles. But received some bad news about her brother (GS1) - he was transported by ambulance to the ER because of another grand mal seizure --OMG! that kid is having so many seizures. I think this is the 3 gran mal . This one affected his breathing, which is why they had him transported and that he was doing nothing to trigger it. He is maxed out on the meds they give because of his weight.

My mom and dad put the house on the market now - my childhood home will soon no longer be in the family. My dad's health is deteriorating rapidly and I am convinced that once he has to move to that small apartment his health will go down hill fast. Today, I'll be going down there to get a table that I asked to have, and then again tomorrow to help my dad go to a couple of his appointments. He had trouble driving home from church on Sunday and had to pull over because of the pain he was experiencing. He cannot hold his head up and he has a hard time swallowing --- and I am complaining because of what?

My eating for today:
oatmeal with fruit

subway - veggie delight

madras lentils over potatoes
broccoli

[Morris]

May 2, 2019

oh man, this is going to be a busy time for me. My mom is expecting me to come into town to help drive them to appointments. My dad is having a lot of pain coming from his neck. Yesterday, he went to a pain management appointment and they are going to do a Botox treatment, pending insurance approval -- gotta love our system - for profit insurance company determines treatment.

Once I had some dental problems and when they scheduled the work, it was scheduled for six months out - when I commented on how busy they must be, they said, no my insurance was maxed out so they scheduled it for when it started again. So, I asked them why they wouldn't take my $$$ for the work to be done.

But anyway, my mom is thinking that I am so much more aware of different treatments than I really am because of hubby's issues -- But to be honest, I do not handle 'medical" stuff very well. They want me to go with them for his appointments for a bit. I get queasy when I am at some appointments and need to leave for a bit to regain my composure. Once a doctor kicked me out of the room so I wouldn't faint.

Now onto my meal plan. I wanted to do a restart starting on the 1st, but time restraints kept me from actually doing my my "mental" portion that I wanted to do. But, hopefully today I can take the time to get it done today. Speaking of time, I cannot believe how fast time seems to fly by when I want to get things done. It is hard for me to plan because I often forget of the expectations of what others expect me to do. At least D2 makes an effort to help us out every now and then.

My eating went fairly well yesterday, I spent the day at my parents - my mom asked my if I brought my own lunch - (I did - one of my dehydrated meals I made for camping). At one of the meeting I took my parents to they had snacks - fruit and dip. I commented to my mom on how it looked but I was too full from my lunch. So I skipped it. After the meeting they put out the cookies. My mom comes up to me holding a couple and asks if those were allowed on my diet.

So, I decline the fruit and she offers me cookies -- okay okay - I think I am eating way too much junk in front of them and am being a bad example of good eating. I need to step it up a notch and get serious about committing to the program.

Running class went well for me last night. We did workout where we ran 1 mile, 1/2 mile then 1/4 mile twice. I had a 10:20 minute mile and for the half mile I was 23 seconds faster than the time I was planning to do. For the 1/2 miles I was about 15 seconds than what I normally do. If I focus on a training plan and eat better, maybe, just maybe, these times will become my "normal" times - dreamin' here.

My eating plan for today
oatmeal with fruit

sweet potato
madras lentils
spinach

spinach salad
red potatoes
black beans

[Morris]

May 5, 2019

I am struggling big time, I am so frustrated with myself that I cannot seem to commit to my eating plan. I cannot even seem to make it through one day with out eating some form of junk food -- I am even defining junk food as white bread, potato chips and cookies. This has been going on for two years now and it is getting old and my weight is creeping back up. I need to commit to this woe and I need to do it soon.

Lately, I am noticing how overweight people I see are -- Is this because I am creeping up on the scale and am in the upper limits on the BMI charts and soon, if I don't get a grip on what I am eating, will be included as one being overweight. That is not what I want. I am feeling like a total failure with my choices of eating. It is already 5 days into May and I was going to restart on the first - NOT.

I was going to start a written journal - and so I dug around and found an old notebook. As I opened it up, I saw some notes I made back in October 2012, It appears I made it through the first two chapters on the pink Beck Diet Solution back then. One statement that I wrote that caught my eye< "Your thinking can lead you astray." Is that not what I have been posting here in my journal these past few years? MY stinkin' thinkin' has been my problem and it is time to change my thinking and stop being my greatest and biggest enemy.

I have enough information - I own most of Dr. McDougall's, Joel Fuhrman, TC Colin Campbell and Dr. Greger's books - I just need to commit to this way of eating and 'Just Do It!" It is just that I go into a panic and my inner rebel comes out whenever I tell myself that I am going to start. But that is where my thinking leads me astray. I make too many excuses to justify why not to do it.

I am reminded of an episode of Fraiser, that one episode where Fraiser and Niles are talking and Fraiser is wondering why every time he is with a woman that is good for him, he ends up breaking up with her. Niles replies that it was because he was afraid to commit to commitment. That phrase has stuck with me all these years because that is my issue: I cannot seem to commit to commitment and make compliant choices with what I choose to eat. I think I am getting to the point now where I am starting to see I need to change my thinking and commit to doing this program.

Too often I let others dictate my day - that is one reason I have such a hard time planning my day. I have too many demands on me and I put others needs before mine. I seem to adjust what I want to do for me to accommodate what others want me to do for them. Hubby often changes my plans. I cannot wait til the weather warms up just a bit more because then I am going camping - I am going to "disappear" for a couple of days each month - be by myself and unhook from these electronics. Plus, I'd have to pack my food which will mean I will have to plan ahead what I am going to eat -- Maybe, just maybe that will give me a jump-start on planning out my meals and then sticking with the plan.

I found a nice goal worksheet from SparkPeople:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/system/goal_worksheet.pdf

I like this worksheet and I am going to work on my long-term goal and filling out my work sheet. Then I will have to come up with a plan - my intentions are there I just cannot seem to come up with a doable plan that I can stick with - but if I commit to commitment I am sure I can do it.

My eating plan for today:
fruit and oatmeal w/flaxseed
spinach (craving greens today)

sweet potato
spinach
large salad
black beans

broccoli
potato
Madras Lentils

Exercise at least 20 minutes or 1 mile run or walk. ( I am on a streak - 34 days so far)

Well, time to start my day. Happy Starchin"

[keithswife]

Thanks for the link to the spark people's goal worksheet I really need this too. I come here every day and read everyone elses' journals, but I myself can commit to nothing. And I have health issues that really need to be addressed. Maybe I think if I don't think about them, they will go away on their own? Who knows? But I thank you for your honesty. There's a bunch of us right here with you with the same struggles.