Journal of my journey

[Morris]

September 17, 2018

I ordered a smaller size tent the other day, one that is for backpacking. I have a wish to go camping at some hike-in campsites and maybe in cooler weather also (spring and fall). I have been camping this summer, doing it solo and during the week days so there won't be as many campers to get used to being in the "woods" by myself.

I tried to set up a tent in my backyard, but being so close to the house (and hubby) was not the same atmosphere as being the woods alone in/with nature. The relaxation is not here at home as it is in the parks. There are a couple locations where there is dispersed camping, where one can camp anywhere in the forest (just 200' off the trails) That would be so cool if I could have the guts to do that.

As I was discussing my goals for camping, hubby says that he would like to go camping with me. Then he goes on and on about what he'd need to be comfortable and all the while I am thinking, if you come along then I really don't want to go. He would ruin the enjoyment because he would expect me to do everything and he'd do just as he does at home, sit on his butt while I work mine off.

I think I am sort of bummed because I was not able to go camping this past week, it was the last of the warm weather. Now it is going to get cold and the state parks will be closing the campgrounds soon. I do not like being cold. I think one piece of gear I need to purchases yet is a cool weather sleeping bag. I kind of want to try cooler weather camping just to see if I'll like doing it.

I am getting my garden prepped for fall, I have almost 1/2 weeded, composted and now I'll put some mulch on it for over the winter. I still have some kale, carrots, green peppers and squash out there. That will have to come up soon if the weather gets cooler. MY garden is on the downside of a hill so all the cold air settles on it and it gets the frost before the rest of the yard. The squash is not ripening very well this year and I do not know how much will be edible when it is time to harvest

Yesterday I ate:
coffee
Country Blend grain cereal (cracked wheat, cracked rye, wild rice flour, flaxseed) with triple berries, pineapple and banana

Potatoes with salsa
broccoli
yellow tomato

Italian bread

2 bean burrito fresco style from Taco Bell

Italian bread

Almost getting on track with my eating.

[Morris]

September 19, 2018

Well I have to get a handle on my eating. My weight keeps going up and up. I need to nip it in the bud right now - today! I have been joining some 8 week challenges with a break in between each one and I am noticing that I am completely going off plan when the challenges stop.

I just finished reading the Beck Diet Solution and today's 'lesson' was Practice Practice Practice - do the skills learned (cognitive behavior) to retrain your brain to think differently. Hubby is going through some of the same type of therapy for his pain management and I have been overly critical about him not putting into practice the things they are attempting him to learn. ~~Hey Nancy! Guess what?! you are not putting into practice the things you have been reading about these past weeks.~~ Doesn't the saying go something like you are most critical of others in the things that you don't like about yourself? I'm guilty.

One of the reminder in the Beck Diet Solution for this day is:
If you think -- it's not fair I can't eat normally and have what everyone else is eating
Remind yourself -- blah, blah, blah

I don't want to eat what everyone else is eating. When I am around my family, my siblings notice I do not eat animal products, and recognize that I eat a bit different than they do. I am the only one that is not overweight. BUT, they do see that I eat a lot of junk food. I am hoping to change this and soon!

My mom is doing well considering all she has been through and said that the doctor told her to expect to be released on the 27th -- the day that Medicare runs out. They have secondary insurance that will cover for a longer period of time. But hopefully she will be strong enough to go home.

Hubby had a doctor appointment yesterday and while waiting I went to my parents home and got a good workout in by starting to clean their basement. I expect when she goes home, I'll be making more frequent trips to town to help them out with cooking and cleaning.

I had a craving on the way home to eat, I really did not care what it was. I was stressed. Hubby stresses me out just by being around me at times. Here I was stuck in the car with him for the drive into town. It is his talking that bugs me. He does not have a conversation with me, he just delivers monologues and talks about what is on his mind and he is like that little energizer bunny and goes on and on and on and on and on and on.

I cannot stand it and it frustrates me to no end. Even when I say I do care about the topic, in his mind I told him I don't understand what he is saying and then he'll go on to explain what it is he is talking about. Part of the issue is that we are opposites: he is a talker and I am not. I can enjoy silence while being in some one else's company, he cannot he has to express his thoughts and opinions about anything and everything. If I am real agitated, I tell him that I disagree with what he is saying and then he'll be offended that I do not share his opinion and shuts up and sulks.

So, anyways, as I impersonated the Energizer Bunny, I was going to say, when we stopped on the way home I saw this bag of caramel corn that I liked in the past. I bought 2 bags. However, I did not eat any when we got back in the car. (Eating while driving has been a trigger of eating junk for me.) So, I give myself credit for at least waiting until I got home. And, I also did not rip open the bag as soon as I got settled, but I waited until after I had something good to eat: Hobo dinner (onion, carrot, potato, zucchini) and some stir fry vegetables (plain).

I ended up overeating the caramel corn - way over eating. As I was eating it, I was thinking that I really ought to be feeling full and I wasn't. I recall watching a video where some one was saying that the processed junk food will override our brain signal that lets us know we are actually full and should stop eating. -- Just an observation about my sensation I had while eating. Now, I am aware of it and can take appropriate steps to avoid this in the future.

I am hoping for a good day of eating health supporting food today.

Oh, my new tent arrived yesterday. Unfortunately the days I wanted to go camping, rain is in the forecast. I wanted to go hiking while camping but do not want to get wet while doing so because the temperatures are now dropping to close to freezing at night. Hopefully, the forecast will change by the time those days I have chosen come around. Otherwise, I will go camping next month, but wimp out and get a cabin site.

[Morris]

September 22, 2018

My backpacking tent arrived. I set it up before the rain started. It rained 2 days and everything looked like it stayed dry inside. I have a huge airbed (for a single size) and the only problem I had with condensation was my sleeping bag got damp where it touched the tent. So, the tent is looking sufficient for when I get brave enough to do a hike in camping trip. It is getting too cold now and I am a wimp in the cold -- so next summer. I'l go to the Parks to enjoy the fall colors and check out the campsites.

I am slowly getting my mindset to where it needs to be to eat more health supporting foods. I found myself resisting the temptation to eat junk. Although I still have to fight the temptation not to buy it in the first place. Why does it have to be such a struggle to eat food, good for you food?

I found an article on decision fatigue and I am thinking that I am fatiguing myself with this struggle not to eat junk food and end up giving in after I succeed once then when encountering the need to decide again, I give in. I guess having that dialogue inside my head is wearing me out. Solution: STOP HAVING THE DIALOGUE! I need to follow the suggestion in the Beck Diet Solution ang give myself NO CHOICE.

I am becoming a fan of Overnight Oats - it seems that time in the fridge overnight allows the flavors of the fruit to blend and to me, actually seems to intensify. I just need to learn not to add too much water because after my fruit thaws the liquid makes my final dish too watery.

What I have been eating:
coffee
Overnight oats with 1/2 banana, frozen triple berry mix, pineapple chunks, ground flax seed
lentils
Spaghetti squash
mixed vegetable mix (corn, peas, green beans, and peas)
broccoli

And these Caveman bars that we found at Costco - I am justifying eating them by saying they are a bit better for me than a candy bar. At least these are giving me the strength to say NO to potato chips. I know, I know, I am just trading one junk for another. I am working on it. I really ought to grab an apple or an orange when I want to snack. It'll come eventually.

[Morris]

September 23, 2018

Insomnia night, Now it is 8 o'clock and time I should be getting up and I want to go back to bed. UGH! I hate nights like these. Now I am going to be tired all day. But my grandson wants me to take him to church - so I guess I'll stay up. I'll probably fall asleep during the sermon.

I went to a state park yesterday to check out a back packing campsite. OMG!!!! the one I went to was so pretty, serene, and quiet - NOT! I had my grandson and he was so excited to get out of the house, he talked nonstop (1 hour there, 2 hour walk, 1 hour home). Seriously, it was an awesome walk. The ones who registered to camp there were on the trail behind us so we were not able to stay at the site for very long. It was about 1 3/4 mile into the woods and on a lake. I so want to camp there, especially with the fall colors coming soon. But, I don't have a warm enough sleeping bag. I may just make a day trip and have a picnic lunch at the site and sit for hours. I'll see what my time allows in these next few weeks.

My mom is still in the nursing home and now my dad is falling down -- I am the only one of my siblings that does not have a day job, so I have been volunteered to stay with him at least until it is determined where they will be living. As soon as my daughter and son-in-law get out of our rental, we will have a one level and hubby and I can move into that and take care of them. But we are so far out in the country that that may not be an option. Seeing this with my parents has lit a fire in me to get with this lifestyle of eating whole foods plant based and exercise. I want to be active as I get older.

October 1st is the day I want to start over with so many things: The Beck Diet Solution (to get my thinking right), get a eating and exercise plan in motion, etc. I was looking up recipes to get my menu plan in order:
overnight oats
Salad in a jar, or bowls

I found some that will give me a variety using pretty much the same ingredients. I have a week to get it all in order. I really hope I can stick with a plan, still have that desire to make it through that 7-Day Rescue. Really! Seriously! 7 days, I just want to make it through 1 week following a plan and no unplanned eating. They say, "You can do it, it's only for 7 days." --- Man, I am aiming for 1 day, then 1 day more, (one day at a time). And I honestly do not know why I am making it so hard. I am most likely way over thinking it all.

[Idgie]

Best of luck on a healthy October! My Beck group on SparkPeople (I'm not the owner or anything, just a member) is starting a day-by-day run-through of the book tomorrow, if you're interested: https://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=2869x10071x69949870x1xfirst

[Morris]

September 30, 2018

Man, it was a bust week. I spent the week helping my dad because he took a fall and ending up with a strained muscle in his neck which gave him a terrible headache. My mom came home from the nursing home. I am not sure if I will be needed this coming week, but I need to try to get some of my yardwork done here before it gets too cold for me to work outside (i.e. the ground freeze and/or it snows and the snow stays on the ground).

My eating was hit and miss as to eating healthy, but my snacking has not been as bad as it was in the past. I gained some extra pounds these past weeks and even though I am still under what I weighed as a teenager and young adult, I do not feel comfortable carrying these extra pounds. I am thinking I have set a new setpoint for me.

I plan to get serious with a plan starting tomorrow. Seeing my parents and the difficulty they are now having as they age and also reading some testimonies from people in their 70's being active and healthy is giving me a bit of motivation to get with it.

My plan is to start doing the Beck Diet Solution again Oct. 1st. and since I read through the book, I want to be able to do all the check lists at the end of each day to help me get into some sort of routine and commitment to getting with a plan. It is that dialogue that I have in my head every time I go to a store and see all the junk. Too often the wrong voice wins -- I am hoping to change that and I hope it will be soon.

Idgie -- I am in the Spark People group, my user name is WINACHST.

[Idgie]

Yay! Here we go, a-Becking!

I had a similar experience to yours this past week. The relative I was helping weighs over 400 pounds (maybe as much as 500), has poorly controlled diabetes, and eats basically SAD with extra sugar. After her knee surgery, it took her almost a week to just be able to walk across the room without stopping for a rest. I do not want to be that impaired when I get older. (She's only about 10 years older than I am.) Now, I am NOT judging her -- she's a great person, and she's not required to be as into health and mobility as I am -- but I am newly motivated to get this body in the best shape it can be in for my old age. I'm 52, and I want to live a lot longer.

[Morris]

October 1, 2018

Day 1 of the Beck Diet Solution
This time around I am focusing on "me"
1. A healthier me
2. A slimmer me
3. A self-confident me
4. A positive me
5. A nourished me
6. A more energized me
7. A more "in control" me

[Morris]

October 2, 2018

My eating was better, meaning close to being on plan. We are having difficulty with our daughter and son in law, they are full fledged members of the entitlement generation and hubby and I are not playing by their rules. 10 more days and they should be out of our rental house. I cannot believe their attitudes - when they move, I am done with them. They are toxic people. The only hard thing will be I will miss the grandkids, but I cannot deal with their attitudes any more and it is not worth the strife -- the anger that comes from them is incredible - they are a couple of ungrateful little twits - to put it mildly. ( After all we have done to help them...unbelievable!!!!)

Well, as you can imagine, I had some stress eating. Fortunately, what was in front of me was a bag of carrots, all cleaned and ready to eat. The only thing that was off plan that I grabbed was this little cup of rice pudding that hubby had in the fridge. All in all, considering the anger and frustration I felt, I really consider my episode of stress eating not too bad. Carrots and rice pudding.

But the reality is that I am so glad there was not a bag of chips in front of me. Dealing with those two, I noticed that when the stress level is high, I am shoving food in my mouth and often it'll take about 5 handfuls before I realize what I am doing.

Day 2 of the Beck Diet Solution is to pick 2 reasonable diets -- well, that is open to interpretation - define reasonable.
Well, ever since January of 2017, when the Engine 2 7-Day rescue came out, I have been wanting to follow that plan. The idea behind that is to be able to eat a whole food plant based diet without using recipes -- just build bowls or flats - loaded with veggies. The unique twist that this plan has is to eat greens at every meal, including breakfast.

Other than that, it is close to The Starch Solution. So, there are my two "diets" -
1. Engine 2 7-Day Rescue
2. Starch Solution

Besides the carrots and rice pudding, what I ate yesterday:
coffee
Smoothie - cashew milk, triple berries mix, pineapple, banana, flax seed, kale

Corn chowder - onion, carrot, celery, potato, corn, kale

Corn chowder
rice
huge salad: romaine, kale, sweet kale mix, tomato, topped with sauted onion and mushroom

2 cups of hot cocoa with marshmallow -- off plan here

[Morris]

October 4, 2018

The quote on my calendar for yesterday is: "The less routine the more of life." - HUH? okay, whatever. Here I am struggling to get a routine established. However, the idea of this quote seems to be serving breakfast for supper.

I remember when we sold our house, I had a routine, a schedule that I followed to keep the house ready to be shown at a moments notice. That routine worked for me.

In 9 more days, hubby and I can move back into our rental house. I want a routine when we move. Right now we are in our cabin that was built for "we could survive here if need be" - it is small. Last night we had a discussion with my parents about them moving into an assisted living place, the smallest floor plan is about the size of our cabin's floor plan (without the addition).

Moving into our rental will give up more room and we'll have a lot less clutter laying around because we will have a place to put our stuff. This reminds me of a TV commercial with Rubbermaid storage containers for people to store there stuff that was laying around the house and garage. After the people organized their stuff, they look around and say, "We need more stuff." -- haha, that us!

[Morris]

October 5, 2018

I am going through the Beck Diet Solution again and am on day 5, I am doing well in the morning and reading the lesson am filling out the commit in writing, but then at the end of the day, I ignore the to-do list and am not checking off what I completed during the day.

Commitment - that is my problem, I am not committing to commit. I was reading Dr. McDougall's Maximum Weight Loss and he listed steps in order to be a success. Step 5: Make a commitment: It's Magic

Years ago, when I committed to do a low/no carb program, I committed to following the program as outlined. I was successful then to the point where I did not give in to that voice inside my head telling me it was okay to eat junk food. I want those those days back. Last night I gave in and ate potato chips, flavored ones at that and I do not even like the flavored chips because of all the extra stuff that is added to them. What gives with that?! I feel 'blah" this morning.

One of my advantages is "A Healthier Me" -- after this situation with my mom, who by the way is home now and getting her strength back a little more each day. It made me realize how important it is to be healthy. Now, to put the icing on the cake, my dad was told that he most likely has the beginnings of Parkinson's Disease.

I want that Magic! I need to make a commitment to stop eating the junk that is out there. In addition to the chips, I devoured a packet of graham crackers before I fell asleep. Why? I wasn't hungry, I just did not want to get hungry. Ha! I should have reminded myself that eating junk causes my body to tell me to eat more because I just gave it something that had little or no nutrients and I need to eat more. What a vicious cycle.

So, today, If I get the urge to eat something that is not whole food, I will say, "THAT IS NOT MY FOOD!" and remind myself that I am able to resist so-called "food" that is not healthy.

[Morris]

October 6, 2018

I made it through yesterday with NO JUNK FOOD!! I have been paying attention to my body's response to the foods I eat. It is really a no brainer to say that I feel so much better when I do not eat junk.

I am finding that the more I think about an eating plan, the more obsessed I become about eating and hunger. But one thing I notice is that I feel different when I eat food - real food. My stomach has a different sensation that it does when I eat junk. Not only that, there is a different stomach - brain connection that seems to be going on.

Does any one have an idea what I am talking about here? i cannot describe it, but when I eat things that nourish my body, I feel like I walk with a lighter step, I am more positive in my thinking, and there is something going on with my gut because there is a different sensation that is going on as to when I eat junk. i'll have to think about how to describe what I am trying to communicate.

On the home-front: daughter and son-in-law are making the transition to their new house. Yesterday, we had to take our fur baby to the vet, one of her internal stitches was working its way out, plus the dog sitter we had when my mom went into the hospital had fleas in his house and our baby has fleas so we needed to get some stronger treatment for her. BUT, on the way home, we saw son-in-law pull out of the driveway. We got so excited because we thought, "Oh, they are gone for the night."

Later, we had to run into town to get a few things. Hubby had me drive across the driveway (it's gravel) so he could check the tire tracks when we came home - to see if they came back. We have two adjoining properties and share the same driveway. Anyway, on the way home, as I turned onto the dirt road, a mile away, I said, "It feels like they are gone. It feels peaceful." Sure enough, no tire tracks crossed over ours.

Am I being too weird here? I watched a youtube video about what to do if you find out you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, and as I was reading the comments I was like, OMG! they are describing my son-in-law and his behavior. This past week, as they have been moving their things and spending more time at their new place, It feels like a weight is being lifted around here. One more week to go!!!!!

As for me, since I am an emotional eater, having some of my stress and anxiety move away, I am making better food choices, and my attitude is more positive. Eating foods that nourish my body instead of tearing it down helps a lot with how and what I am thinking.

I started to reread Hello Nutritarian's blog on her journey of the Eat to Live Aggressive weight loss plan, but did not get past day 3. She started to say that she was hungry, really hungry and that it must be "toxic hunger". I look at what she ate and thought no, not "toxic hunger", you just ain't eating starches. Is that plan a vegan keto diet plan?

Speaking of a vegan keto plan, I was watching a youtuber that does a lot of wilderness videos and he now is selling his own brand of spices. He was giving his salespitch for his spice rub. He said it was good to put in steak, fish, chicken and to take on your camping trip. Then he goes on the explain the product and what's in it. He says, "It's all organic, non GMO, vegan." Then he stops and laughs, "A Vegan Steak Rub Mix"

Time for me to get on with my day. I am starting my day with:
coffee
spinach
banana
apple

Planned Meals for today:
mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy
Huge Salad

Leftover Coconut Vegetable Curry -- high fat meal (unless hubby eats it before I get to it)
Leftover Tomato Soup - Kathy Hester's recipe from Oatrageous Oatmeals, but I added onion, carrot and celery to it
Pita bread with hummus (these most likely have oil in them)

[Morris]

October 7, 2018
6 more days!!!! I am really looking forward to the changes that are about to occur soon. I am going to have over double the living space.

On day 7 with the Beck Diet Solution and I am not doing very well at the checklist. But I have read some notes that I had written at one time:

Get better acquainted with your adversary, your obstacles, your demons and learn to master them. ~ from the forward of the Pleasure Trap

That is what I have been working on these past years, learning to master that which is within me that hinders me from reaching my goal.

[Morris]

October 8, 2018

Weighted myself this morning, I am losing some of the stress pounds I gained. Almost back to that new set point. I am starting and exercise program and getting back on the treadmill and exercise bike. I am also doing a couple of the routines in a 30-day app to add a bit of body weight strength training. I am doing a squat and toned armed challenge. I am seeing some toning happening. I love putting on my jeans now and seeing how lose they are becoming.

5 more days til we get our house back. Daughter and son-in-law are spending nights at their new house now and I cannot believe the stress they took with them. I hope that things work out for them at their new location because I will not help them out again. I learned my lesson and I learned it well. Some people don't deserve help.

But I am thankful for the memories created with the grandchildren. Now, we are going to focus on that other set of grandchildren. We have not spent a lot of time with the youngest granddaughter. She is 3 years old and so cute and smart. The other day she said, "I want to be Santa Claus for Halloween." Then laughs at what she said. Who dresses up as Santa Claus for Halloween?

Warning:
TMI:
I am getting back to eating whole foods again and this morning I am reminded of this tee shirt that had "Eat Plants Epic Poo" on it as I had that moment. Not eating whole foods was causing some constipation. Good to get things moving again.

Today the Beck Diet Solution Day 8 is to create time and energy. I struggle with this one because I take each day just as it seems to happen. I really need to get and stay organized. We just do not have the room to put our stuff in this small cabin, limited cupboards, no closets.

I also need to take the time to plan and prepare my meals to eliminate my urge to eat junk. I find the example given of the sabotaging thought: I don't have the time to do these things and the response: It might be more accurate to say that I'm not willing to make the time," to be so true in my case.

I need to make the time to be a success.

[Morris]

October 10, 2018

I woke up rested this morning. The one night I was charging my fitbit so I cannot see how it recorded the quality of my sleep.

3 more days to go!!!!! I really hate to say this, since she is my daughter, but I am going to be so glad when they are gone. They have been staying at their new house and the property is becoming peaceful again. I cannot believe the anger I get when I think of my daughter and son-in-law. Just to give you a taste of what I am dealing with, about 3 years ago, I needed some pepper and my daughter gave me a container of peppercorns but never returned it because she said, "Don't worry about it". So, I didn't and have been using it. She called me yesterday to demand her pepper back.

3 more days. It has gotten so bad that my husband and I have actually gone to speak to a lawyer on how to handle this relationship. The advice given was to separate, which is what we plan on doing, but I am going to miss the grandchildren.

I am on day 10 of the Beck Diet Solution and I am realizing that it really does not seem as overwhelming as it has in the past. It is really about keeping your focus on your WHY - why do you want to lose weight or in my case, eat better. Eat Slowly, exercise and plan your meals.

Really? Yes, I seem to make things way too complicated. Just keep things simple. But that seems to be so hard, keep things simple. The timing of my days with Beck is corresponding with the start of the Engine 2 7-Day Rescue Challenge starting on the October 15. Ever since January of 2017, I have been wanting to get through the 7 days of this challenge with no being sidetracked and staying on plan. It is sort of like a Mary's mini - to reset.

It is going to be difficult because next week hubby has a few doctor appointments and he always thinks he needs to go out and eat. We stopped at a Perkins yesterday and he commented on how he wants to go out and eat more with me for relaxation. Really!!! I keep telling him I do not like to eat out because I cannot control the ingredients or the cooking method. One thing I like about the Perkins menu is that it gives the calories of the dishes. It is an eye opener on how many calories those dishes have. A lot of them are over 1,000 calories.