Journal of my journey

[moonlight]

Hi Morris,

Congratulations on your run!! It was probably so good for you to run off some of the stress from your mom's condition. I'm thinking about you and your mom, hoping she recovers soon.

[Morris]

Thank you.

August 28, 2018
I went grocery shopping yesterday, I picked up some celery, snow peas, bananas, apples, and oranges in hopes of getting my snacking in control. These are all things I can just grab. I am slowly getting back on track. It is so hard to stay on track if I am not fully committed to doing so. I often think that it is because of the lack of support and participation from my hubby that has allowed me to use that as an excuse to just give in to the junk food call. But this week it has made me feel like crap and I need to get back to eating what I know I should be eating.

As the Beck Diet Solution says, NO EXCUSES. i just need to stop making excuses about why I am eating junk. Just because it is so convenient does not mean I ought to fall into Big Food's make a profit plan. I really learned that eating junk does not make me feel better at all.

Hi, my name is Nancy and I am a junk food addict...

Speaking of that, I was shredding zucchini yesterday to freeze and had some leftover so I made the Adonis Cake from Engine 2. I replaced the water with some shredded zucchini. It turned out great. But the recipe called for maple syrup for a sweetener and I actually found it to be a bit on the sweet side. Of course, hubby is saying, "Oh this would be great with ice cream and hot fudge." Sigh - seriously, I would agree with that.

[Morris]

August 31, 2018

It's been quite the journey these past few days and I really need to focus on eating food that is as close to its natural state as possible. My mom is out of the ICU now, but still has a long road to recovery. There are still of lot of step backs as well as steps forward. As they say, we need to measure progress day by day.

That is good advice, measure progress day by day. If I make bad food choices at one point in the day, that does not mean I am a total failure, there is still possibility for improvement.

This past week I have been eating so much junk food and it is like the binge wouldn't stop. But I am tired of feeling like crap. Eating crap is definitely not helping me deal with the stresses in my life right now. September 1st seems like a good day to start a personal challenge to stop eating the junk food. Today will be my preparation day to get things ready.

[SilverDollar123]

Hi Nancy, hope your mom is on the mend& you are ok. Thinking about you. RAS

[Morris]

September 6, 2018

Man, this has been rough and I realize that I totally do not have a handle on my eating. I have gained weight and my eating is on again off again. Unfortunately it has been more off than on.

The good news is that my mom is slowing getting better. If I remember to go day by day, she is looking better and stronger each day. The improvements are greater than the setbacks.

I have come to the conclusion that, while I am still at a weight that is less than my teenage and early adult weight, I do not like being at this weight. It could be because I have been eating so much junk and I am bloated from the excess salt. But I really need to get a grip on what I am putting in my mouth before it becomes too difficult to get back on track.

It is just too *&%( easy to eat junk! Sometimes when I stop to get gas for my car, there is not one healthy choice to buy. But here is where I really need to tell myself that I really do not have to buy a snack every time I get gas. I am beginning to drink water instead of using the excuse that I need a sugar rush. I am in a habit of buying a snack when I get gas. This is something I need to work on.

[Morris]

September 8, 2018

Things are better with my mom now. She was released to a nursing home for rehab. She is still weak so I hope she strengthens enough to go back home.

I am slowly getting back to eating as I should. I have been able to come home and stay a bit now and starting to feel like I am in at least a bit of resemblance of control of what I put in my mouth. I can't believe how I throw out any thought of how to eat and used the circumstance to eat junk. The reality is that eating the junk did not make me feel better, actually it made me more tired and I do not like this bloated feeling.

I have been listening to Doug Lisle's video on the cram circuit. Now that explains a lot as to why I keep binge at night even though I know I ate enough for dinner.
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE-zdHGUdvsGblFPlfABk58nSx6v-88-E

It seems we are programmed to have that occasional binge. However, today we have the availability of rich food always there. We have no need to continue to eat once we are full. In times of hunting and gathering, when the guys come home from the successful hunt, they would overeat so the meat would not go bad. BUT, we are not programmed to do this often, just once in a while.

Last night, I had a huge supper of onion, carrot, corn, zucchini, and salsa. It made a lot and I ate it all, most of it was freshly picked from the garden. However, even though I was satisfied, I felt the need to have those graham crackers. At least now I have an explanation as to why I may be thinking I just gotta eat something right before going to sleep.

[Morris]

Sept 9, 2018

Race Day this morning and I have not run in what seems like forever. This business with my mom has thrown me off kilter and I need to get back to a routine or at least some resemblance of a routine. Whatever I had started a few weeks ago has flown out the window. I am back at home now and will go to visiting a few times a week. She is having a slow recovery and yet I marvel at how quickly the changes for the better seem to come.

After listening to Doug Lisle's Cram Circuit lectures I realize that is my issue that I have with my night time eating. I often eat quite a bit before I fall asleep because I feel like I just gotta have something to eat. However, last night as I went to bed, I realized I was hungry because I really did not eat that much throughout the day:
coffee
oatmeal with berries and chia seed
bean burger on bun
kale
12" veggie delight sandwich from subway
s'mores x 2

That is not really a lot of food for me because I eat a lot. But since I also listen to Joel Fuhrman and his idea of true hunger vs toxic hunger I have a tendency to pay attention to sensation of where I am feeling the hunger (Is this how I want to word what I am trying to say?) Last night's hunger sensation was different than the night before.

It is weird, the night before the "hunger was felt in my brain and last night's was felt in my stomach. Interesting to me is that I was able to not eat last night (I ignored it and the feeling went away) and was super uncomfortable the night before until I stuffed my face.

My weight is getting back down to where I want it to be. I lost a couple of the "stress" pounds. I am feeling better not eating as much junk as I had been (Hey, the s'mores were made with premium chocolate bars ). But eating food, real food, has such an impact on my mental health. I am convinced all the talk about depression and how many are affected by it is caused by what we are eating. I see such a big difference in my mood and thought patterns being associated with what I am eating.

I am aiming for at least 80% of good eating, really good eating.

[Idgie]

Nancy, I'm so glad your stress level is a little less now.

I know exactly what you mean about stomach hunger versus mind hunger. I follow an intuitive eating way of life -- eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm satisfied -- and after a while, I've gotten really good at telling when it's hunger versus just wanting to eat. It's nice to reconnect with your body that way!

[Morris]

Oh man! I crossed the finish line and the clock read 28:57 - Whooee!! But then someone said, "Hate to burst your bubble but the course is short."

My first sub30 and the course was short 1/4 mile. I'm bummed, but happy that I ran well. The race was a fundraiser for the Disabled American Veteran (DAV), to go to their outdoor fund so they can go and do fun outdoorsy stuff. A group of them were at a resort so they could relax and unwind from the stresses of everyday life. So, I determined to run a bit harder than I usually do (read put in more effort) because 1/2 hour of misery is nothing compared to what some of these men/women go through daily.

Amazing what one can do when the determination is there!

[Idgie]

Woo-hoo! Way to go!

[Morris]

Thanks Idgie!

September 10, 2018

I am coming to the opinion that the food we eat can have an affect on our mood. I am getting back to eating more of what I should be eating and am amazed at how much more positive my outlook is on things.

Or it could just be that things are looking up a bit for my mom. She is still not able to walk on her own and needs to be assisted in order to sit. But then she has been lying down for weeks. Hopefully, she will gain some of her strength back, but she was weak before all this happened. She is allowed up to 20 days for rehab therapy in the nursing home. Short-term care. I like how the insurance company determines the length of care to be given -- NOT!

Went to a Mexican Restaurant for dinner last night I ordered the Spinach burrito - minus the chicken, sub beans instead, water saute if they saute anything, no dairy. The sauce they put over it was spinach and cheese, so I said no sauce. They came back and asked it I wanted the white sauce instead - still had cheese in it. Next time I am going to ask for extra spinach - It is kind of funny when they try to oblige and come out with a weird expression asking if they understood me correctly.

I am encouraged with my race result because it reminds me that once I become determined to commit to do something I can do it. Now, if I can just get serious about NO JUNK FOOD.

[Morris]

September 13, 2018

I looked at the date I began this journal and am realizing that I have been doing this journal for almost 4 years now. Remind me of this whenever I am thinking I cannot stick with a program. 4 years and I have not given up on this way of eating and am still aiming for the prize.

[Idgie]

That's awesome! I aspire to still be here for years and years to come, just like you. Thank you for always being such an inspiration to me as I find my way again into health.

[Morris]

September 15,2018

Insomnia night - So instead of just laying in bed wishing I could sleep, I log onto my computer to journal about it.

My mom is getting better each day that I go to visit her. That is such a relief. But since she is so old, I am sure that this is the beginning. My dad is struggling a bit but is so independent that he says he is okay and does not need anyone to stay with him. I hope I am making the right decision by going by his wishes. This is a time that I am actually getting to my parents better and feel that I am establishing a closer relationship with them. I never felt that I had a closeness to them, even with our weekly going out to lunch it was always small talk. But with this situation with my mom, there is a lot more discussion of needs, wants and desires. So it's good in a way.

My exercising has sort of went by the wayside this past month and I started realizing how achy my joints were becoming. I actually woke up one night because my knees were giving me pain. I was putting off "exercise" because I was busy, either going to visit my mom (2 hour round trip drive time, then the visiting time) and/or getting yard work done. I figured the yard work would have been exercise enough, but I am now thinking that is not the case. Yesterday, I ran 2 miles on the treadmill and it seems like the joint soreness has gone away. It was those aches and pains that got me moving in the first place about 10 years ago. Funny how what first motivates one gets lost on the way. It is always good to find my way back to what works.

Speaking of what works, I am slowly getting my mindset back to eating the things that are health supporting. I still have a few glitches in my thinking and need to get some kinks worked out. I am currently reading through the Beck Diet Solution and plan on joining the group on Sparkpeople go through it starting in October. In the past, I always dropped out between days 15 and 21. I dropped out of doing the daily to-list when my mom went into the hospital because it was too much to think about then. I decided to just continue reading the book with the plan on repeating it in October. I am on day 38 reading it through this time and I am finding that there is a lot of techniques I can use to change my thinking about what I put in my mouth.

I am still carrying those 2 stress-eating pounds that I gained this past month, but now that things are settling down, I am hoping to kiss those babies goodbye soon.

[Morris]

September 16, 2018

Okay, I had a visual about all the grease in potato chips yesterday. A store we went to had the bags on a cardboard display. I walked past and of course, the marketing worked, and I had a thought that I wanted some chips. HOWEVER, since it was on a cardboard display there were grease spots underneath the bags. It appears that the bags are not as tightly sealed as I thought they would be.

So, yeah for the cardboard display. I needed to see that. I walked out of the store without purchasing a bag. I survived the night - lol.

I am almost done reading through the Beck Diet Solution. The lesson I read today was Keep Up With Exercise and If you read my last post, you will see that I agree with some type of exercise is needed daily. I am doing a couple of Walk Across .... challenges and I am so far behind in my goal miles because I have been too busy or too stress to add in an extra half hour of some type of movement other than what I normally do through out the day.

I wear a fitbit that tracks my steps through out the day and while I know, all these being recorded are not actual "steps" (one foot in front of the other), I can see the days that I am most sedentary. I have my step goal set for 12,500 daily and most days I meet that even if I am not doing a planned run or some other type of exercise. Other than my morning coffee/computer time, I do not sit much during the day. But, boy oh boy, have I found out that I need to include some type of aerobic session in my day.

I am setting October 1st as a day to restart, reboot or whatever you want to call it. I am hope to get with an organized plan of some sort. I need some organization in my life right now. It feels like it has just been chaos.

Some of our stress will be moving away - our daughter and son-in-law have signed on a house and will be moving out of our rental and we will be moving back in. They have been there for 7 years and the last 4 have been nothing been strife and discontent - I won't say much other than they are of the entitlement generation and they are full fledged members - add some other issues to the mix and all I can say I want to help them pack, but won't because I'd rather stay away. We are counting the days. The one thing I will miss is the grandchildren, but I have made my memories with them and am content with that. I am sure that I'll still be able to see them as they are only moving about an hour away.

My mom is on the road to recovery and is able to walk a bit using her walker. She is still having trouble swallowing and they are giving her some thicken liquids, which she hates, and she is refusing to drink it. She is allowed water, just sips at a time. We are all hoping she will be allowed to get back into their house which will be until they are able to sell it. It will be an emotional moment when it sells, I grew up in that house. My dad built it himself. Lots of memories were made their.

I see some of the other McDougallers are using an outline and marking a happy face or thumbs up on days they are compliant - what a cool idea, keeping it simple with a yeah or nay at the end of the day. Sometimes I think I make life too complicated.

I did not have much of an appetite yesterday and really did not eat much:
Coffee
banana
Nut bar -
LT (lettuce and tomato) on whole wheat with french fries (we ate out)
banana
graham crackers (whole pack)

Totally what I call a "naughty" day of eating - Naughty meaning not compliant with WFPB. Not much food, but looking at the french fries, nut bar and graham crackers, I had a lot of calories and little nutrition - totally SAD (pun intended).

Hoping today will be a better day of eating because eating whole food plant based works wonders on the attitude.