Bizarre comments by spouse

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Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby StarchHEFP » Tue Oct 11, 2016 4:30 am

Every now and then my mostly vegan and occasionally carnivore spouse (we've cut out eggs and milk in the house except for yogurt and cheese of course) erupts in angry tirades about my being "vegan" and how offensive it is. This comes up probably because I let her go out with the kids for their carnivorous meals, and I choose to stay home peacefully and mindfully prepare my own meal and eat it quietly. I choose to be excluded from many family events. Recently, I have become so repulsed by the smell of meat when they warm up meatballs to eat with spaghetti I literally have to leave the dining room, otherwise I might hurl. I have asked my spouse to keep stuff separate, like a wooden spoon and a cooking pot kept separately for the meat dishes, and recently I committed the crime of using a separate sponge to wash out the meat-laden cooking pan. This was all too much for her, and she erupted into saying something like, if you had a problem with my eating meat, you should have not married me! and also talking about that everything was fine when I ate meat, and so on... I was left almost completely speechless, when I tried to get a few words in, she lashed back like a tiger who was interrupted from their meal. Wow. I was left sad and lonely again, as usual, quietly grieving for my lifestyle choice and how it's left me all alone many times.

Anyone had similar experience? It's almost like she's choosing to defend the meat eating over our relationship.
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby OneLeggedPig » Wed Oct 12, 2016 4:58 am

That’s tough. I live with my girlfriend and sometimes she gets annoyed about me eating this way- being a vegan AND wanting to avoid oil and whatnot too.

I think you have to be able to separate this from them as a person a bit. She might be actually annoyed about something else, and it comes out this way- or perhaps feels guilt about her own choices, making her feel defensive.

If it goes on then I think it helps to be clear and assertive. Sometimes I have to stop and say very firmly for my girlfriend that I can eat how I want to, and that there is nothing wrong with being healthy. Then I say that I can’t force her to eat healthily but I’m not going to change or be put off by her getting angry, so she may as well just stop it.

I think she’s more used to it now but it does still cause occasional small arguments. If that’s the price to pay then I accept it.

I don’t blame you for taking yourself out of a lot of social events. People delight in eating rubbish when they get together and it’s not fun to be there if you just want to eat well.
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby openmind » Wed Oct 12, 2016 5:31 am

StarchHEFP wrote:Every now and then my mostly vegan and occasionally carnivore spouse (we've cut out eggs and milk in the house except for yogurt and cheese of course) erupts in angry tirades about my being "vegan" and how offensive it is. This comes up probably because I let her go out with the kids for their carnivorous meals, and I choose to stay home peacefully and mindfully prepare my own meal and eat it quietly. I choose to be excluded from many family events. Recently, I have become so repulsed by the smell of meat when they warm up meatballs to eat with spaghetti I literally have to leave the dining room, otherwise I might hurl. I have asked my spouse to keep stuff separate, like a wooden spoon and a cooking pot kept separately for the meat dishes, and recently I committed the crime of using a separate sponge to wash out the meat-laden cooking pan. This was all too much for her, and she erupted into saying something like, if you had a problem with my eating meat, you should have not married me! and also talking about that everything was fine when I ate meat, and so on... I was left almost completely speechless, when I tried to get a few words in, she lashed back like a tiger who was interrupted from their meal. Wow. I was left sad and lonely again, as usual, quietly grieving for my lifestyle choice and how it's left me all alone many times.

Anyone had similar experience? It's almost like she's choosing to defend the meat eating over our relationship.


To be honest, I felt like lashing out at my wife, who was vegetarian while I was a meat eater, a couple of times before I became a McDougaller. I held my tongue though, and I am glad I did, because I am now much stricter than she ever was.

I guess at it's core I felt my wife was making life slightly more difficult for me with her vegetarianism, and I was annoyed.
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby StarchHEFP » Wed Oct 12, 2016 1:19 pm

OneLeggedPig wrote:That’s tough. I live with my girlfriend and sometimes she gets annoyed about me eating this way- being a vegan AND wanting to avoid oil and whatnot too.

I think you have to be able to separate this from them as a person a bit. She might be actually annoyed about something else, and it comes out this way- or perhaps feels guilt about her own choices, making her feel defensive.

If it goes on then I think it helps to be clear and assertive. Sometimes I have to stop and say very firmly for my girlfriend that I can eat how I want to, and that there is nothing wrong with being healthy. Then I say that I can’t force her to eat healthily but I’m not going to change or be put off by her getting angry, so she may as well just stop it.

I think she’s more used to it now but it does still cause occasional small arguments. If that’s the price to pay then I accept it.

I don’t blame you for taking yourself out of a lot of social events. People delight in eating rubbish when they get together and it’s not fun to be there if you just want to eat well.


Thank you for the absolutely wonderful and compassionate advice. I understand exactly how you say to "separate this from them as a person". I actually caught myself berating a pharmaceutical rep the other day for inviting me to "dinners" where they peddle their products, feed the doctors unhealthy steak, and serve them alcohol. I said at least they shouldn't pay for doctors' alcohol, and it's immoral to make doctors intoxicated when they have to have their wits about them when taking care of patients, and also they have families and need to drive home safely. I should just smile and politely refuse. I know these bottled up feelings eat me up inside, but sometimes it's better to just take a deep breath and let things pass.
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby StarchHEFP » Wed Oct 12, 2016 1:21 pm

openmind wrote:To be honest, I felt like lashing out at my wife, who was vegetarian while I was a meat eater, a couple of times before I became a McDougaller. I held my tongue though, and I am glad I did, because I am now much stricter than she ever was.

I guess at it's core I felt my wife was making life slightly more difficult for me with her vegetarianism, and I was annoyed.


Wonderful advice, it's absolutely true that most of us were in the other shoes at one point. I also would get annoyed when people would tell me what to eat and what not to eat, including my own family. I will remember to be more humble to this realization and always take the path of least resistance and most compassion. The difference, being a doctor, it's very hard to keep my mouth shut :)
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby my4kidsmom » Fri Feb 02, 2018 11:29 am

Is it possible this is NOT about food? It sounds to me like your spouse is actually missing time with you! Of course, she is blaming the food... because she sees it as the problem. When you ate meat, you never stayed at home while she went to these functions alone with the kids-right? If you send her and the kids out to eat, and you stay home... she is not with you. If you stay home while she goes to parties or get-togethers, then she is without you again. To her, you are picking your vegan diet over time with her.

It seems to me that all she wants is her husband back... not necessarily for you to eat meat.

Just my thoughts!
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby Werner1950 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 12:22 pm

I am inclined to agree with the above poster. Are there other things that you enjoy doing together?
I know that when my wife and I are watching a movie together on TV, and I start playing solitaire on my tablet, she gets annoyed, because she enjoys enjoying things TOGETHER with me. It has been the occasion of a few verbal dust-ups. It's not about the movie. It's about being present with her.

I also know about the "making her feel guilty" inadvertently part. We went through that stage as well, where she perceived me as being on the high road.

She has now adopted my way of eating due to a health scare of her own, so we are not past that.

I'm sorry that you are having this difficulty.
"An ounce of evidence is worth a pound of presumption"
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby StarchHEFP » Sat Feb 17, 2018 7:49 pm

my4kidsmom wrote:Is it possible this is NOT about food? It sounds to me like your spouse is actually missing time with you! Of course, she is blaming the food... because she sees it as the problem. When you ate meat, you never stayed at home while she went to these functions alone with the kids-right? If you send her and the kids out to eat, and you stay home... she is not with you. If you stay home while she goes to parties or get-togethers, then she is without you again. To her, you are picking your vegan diet over time with her.

It seems to me that all she wants is her husband back... not necessarily for you to eat meat.

Just my thoughts!


Thank you for your kind comments! Fast forward to today, and guess what, we've pretty much gotten rid of the chicken and meat in our house. The kids have switched over to veggie meatballs and veggie "chikn" and for the most part, so has she. When we go out for special occasions, she still orders a chicken burger or something while I quietly bite my tongue now. Funny I read this comment again because the other day she got very upset when I wanted to put my vegan pita pizza on a separate tray from her pizza with cheese on it. Almost all hell broke loose again. I can see it's not about me, it's probably about her, and sometimes the "vegan" in the house is like holding up a mirror, triggering feelings of guilt, and it's easier to defend oneself by anger at the other person. We still have our "separate but equal" dinners, but ironically the other day she and the kids went to Red Robin and she ordered a veggie burger (without me there) and made sure to tell me about it when they got back home. Today's angry semi-vegetarian = tomorrow's vegan? Who knows.
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby StarchHEFP » Sat Feb 17, 2018 7:52 pm

Werner1950 wrote:I am inclined to agree with the above poster. Are there other things that you enjoy doing together?
I know that when my wife and I are watching a movie together on TV, and I start playing solitaire on my tablet, she gets annoyed, because she enjoys enjoying things TOGETHER with me. It has been the occasion of a few verbal dust-ups. It's not about the movie. It's about being present with her.

I also know about the "making her feel guilty" inadvertently part. We went through that stage as well, where she perceived me as being on the high road.

She has now adopted my way of eating due to a health scare of her own, so we are not past that.

I'm sorry that you are having this difficulty.


I want to especially thank you for your compassion and understand, yes, and I get it exactly, it's exactly what she said about me being on the "high road" without me even saying anything. It was for the mere act of putting my vegan pizza on a separate tray as her cheese pizza. And for daring to give one of our sons the vegan version that was together with mine instead of putting it with hers. Seems silly right? But I'm thinking it's because she's afraid of being the odd one out one day, when me and my two boys turn "vegan" and she's the lone nonvegan. The meat has almost left the house now, without me saying much or her saying anything to me.
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby lisa1976 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:41 am

I would be upset if my husband refused to be with our family due to a WOE.
You are missing out on time with her and your children. That is what life is about! You don't have to eat meat or eat at all. I often bring my own fruit and and never had an issue.
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby StarchHEFP » Tue May 29, 2018 5:17 am

It's interesting how much change time and silence brings. Without saying a word, the household has now gotten rid of all meat, all eggs (except for the occasional cookie or cake brought in), all milk (cheese though is still there). And this past celebration of our marriage, at a restaurant instead of a chicken dish, spouse orders the "tofu" dish! Better just stay quiet. Lesson is learned the best teaching is by example and not by words. Still ordered the dessert with ice cream. Progress, not perfection!

Reminds me of someone who's a dad of one of the kids' classmates, who says he eats pretty much plant based for his health but made it a point to emphasize he's not one of those crazy animal-rights people and definitely doesn't identify as "vegan".
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Re: Bizarre comments by spouse

Postby Vegankit » Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:22 am

Congratulations. Good that you can appreciate progress.
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