Dr. McDougall's Online Discussion Board

Perhaps an overly provocative subject line but I really would like to know how to get my spouse actively supportive of the changes I'm trying to make and sustain.

I've been successful in losing fifty pounds but I have a way to go yet. My house is full of off limit foods, cookies, candies, chocolates, ... Restaurants are suggested routinely in lieu of cooking. I'm generally pretty resistant and self sufficient but it does wear me down mentally to always be on my guard.

We've watched shows and podcasts together, I've shared the books. I've had conversation after conversation. She's always receptive and always agrees to help but nothing changes, classic passive resistance perhaps? I don't know.

So, Doug, any ideas short of packing up and leaving? That's not an option after all the decades we've spent together.

Hi, popefully he will be along to answer you but in the meantime, have you seen this talk by him?

How to get along without going along
http://esteemdynamics.org/video/getting ... ing-along/

I think a lot of people feel threatened when someone they know start making changes to their life and improves something in it. I have seen this a bit with people when someone they know loses weight. For example people might keep making comments like "don't lose too much weight now", and such comments when they are clearly not anywhere near being underweight. Or they might keep offering them junk food. In my experience the nearer the relationship is the more I have seen people do this.

It must be difficult having to resist temptation all the time.

I'm not Doug but here are a couple of thoughts. First of all congratulations on your commitment to getting healthy and losing 50 lbs, you have already "won" at accomplishing something that so few people ever do.

You may never get your spouse to actively support the changes. You have suddenly changed the rules of the game that you have both lived with for many years. Her life has changed drastically because a major part of her life is gone. You no longer share and enjoy the same foods and not only that her favorite foods are now labeled "undesirable" and "get them out of the house".

Wait a minute..... she didn't decide, you did! She may also have many mixed emotions about you going on a different path. She may feel resentful, abandoned, that you are leaving her behind, etc. etc.

Be kind, and thank her for the support she does give, and then continue.

Viv

I also have a non-McDougalling spouse, and I have a couple of thoughts.

1. You can't change your spouse. Put the idea out of your mind entirely. No more shows, podcasts, books, or conversations unless she actlvely asks you to watch or listen or talk. Not even a hint. And don't judge her silently, either.
2. If there is something that is not working for you (for example, junk food everywhere), work out a solution with her (for example, all junk food goes away in a particular cabinet that you never open). State the problem and your idea for a solution and see what works for her. "It is hard for me to stick to my diet when there is junk food everywhere. Can we find a solution? My idea is to put all the junk food into this cabinet, which I won't look in. Does that work for you?" If she says no, then ask her what solution works for her, and brainstorm until you find a solution that works for both of you. But make it entirely about what you need to stick to your diet, not what you think she needs to change about hers.
3. As far as going out for dinner is concerned, I you need to come up with a plan as to how often would like to go out for dinner. Different people here handle this differently. Some eat out quite a lot and are able to find good options. Some eat out, but it is a treat and not entirely on plan. Some eat out very little or not at all. You need to decide how much and what restaurants are okay with you, and then talk about that with your wife in advance (i.e. not at 6pm when there's nothing ready for dinner). Let her know that if she wants to eat out for dinner more often than you are willing, she can go without you or get take out, but you won't join her (or maybe you will join her but first you will eat your own compliant dinner at home--I don't know, you have to figure out what you are willing to do). Once you have a plan, don't discuss it anymore, just refer back to the plan. If she suggests eating out when it is not in your plan, tell her to go and have a great time.
4. Another thing to work out is cooking. Depending on what your arrangement was before you changed your diet, you may need to re-negotiate how the two of you divide chores. If mostly she cooked before, then you can cook for yourself and she can cook for herself and nothing needs to change. (This was my situation, luckily!) If you mostly cooked before, then you need to have a conversation about whether she will eat the food you cook for yourself or, if not, you will either cook food she will eat or take over another chore to compensate for the fact that she will now have to cook. Have a conversation about this, too.

As a final thought--I agree with Viv, you have changed the terms of the relationship, not her. Be thankful for your wife, and try to see it from her side. What if she came home tomorrow and tried to convince you to go paleo? What if she started showing you all kinds of paleo podcasts and webinars and books? How would it make you feel?

If she is respectful I would ask her for a few specific things that she also feels OK with
examples: eating out can you pick Chinese so you can have steamed rice and veg. Two ask for your own shelf space in the fridge or whatever is practical. Third is she willing to just include more plant based foods in her own diet? For example my husband dislikes beans but he will eat salad, potatoes, rice with stir-fry and apples if I cut them. Go with small changes IMO and strive to find anything that is mutually agreeable like Chinese Vs McDonalds when eating out or having a potato bar on Friday nights. Does she like Mexican? If you do it a la cart it's easy to use a can of beans for yours and meat for hers.

That’s sweet that she tried! My husband did it for a while, too, then switched to Paleo for four years. He’s inching his way back now, finally. As someone mentioned above, we can’t expect them to change because we did. Hopefully your positive example will provide inspiration.

It is interesting how many of us McDougall and our spouses choose not to. I’ve been eating this way for 4.5 years and love it. Lost all the weight I needed to and keep it off. My hubby on the other hand tried the program for a few months and didn’t stick with it. Now he is trying to lose weight again eating paleo. It’s hard to watch as he struggles with several health issues, but after 32 years of marriage I know I cannot change what he does. Both my daughters follow in my footsteps though and we enjoy discussing and following healthy eating. So it’s true, just keep yourself healthy and enjoy your food and good health and sometimes others may follow. Much easier said than done some days

Dr. Kim Williams have said that having a vegan daughter can convert a person. Well, we have two and I still have a tubby hubby. It is frustrating to see him not care to be healthy. I think he personally never have seen the suffering of old age because he was not close to his parents or grandparents.

My partner is SUPER supportive, but not McDougalling. However, I notice that the dinners my partner makes for us (weeknight dinners only -- I work until 6:30 p.m. and partner stays home) are getting healthier and healthier. I'll take it! If I'm eating healthier at dinnertime, then so is my partner.