The Slow-Fast Way

[kirstykay]

Stayed off the scale today which felt freeing, but also makes me feel anxious. Weird. Guess this is a problem for me.

Hubby is sick, so stayed home and made him rest. As a result I was super lazy too, and that was kinda fun. It's cold and gloomy outside and I'm over it, but it's not gonna be over for a while. bleh.

Did some more batch cooking, so I'm looking forward to my week of meals. This is working for me. I made a Mexican Tortilla Pie, which isn't a pie at all, but I fashioned it after a recipe my mom used to make called Green Chile Pie which wasn't a pie either, so, yeah. Also some Lentil Quinoa Butternut Squash Soup, and a Barley and Green Pea Pilaf that I can add veggies to later this week. Still have the artichoke hummus from last week, which is good for snacking on fresh veggies. And had the Black Bean Burgers for dinner tonight. Also have quite a bit of the Vegetable Bean Soup. Decided to save the Veggie Stir fry until next week because we're going home for Easter, so really only eating here for 5 days.

Of course since I lost 2 pounds this week, I figured out that if I lose 2 pounds every week, I'll be at my goal by my birthday in November...because that's sure to happen. Lol. But still...

[Anna Green]

thanks! My bd is in Nov too. I am envisioning us feeling younger than we have in a long long time.

[purplerain]

Thank you for the cheesy casserole recipe. I have written it down to make. Keep up the good work.

[Debbie]

Smokey Potato Corn Chowder, Roasted Sweet Potatoes, Roasted Artichoke and Garlic Hummus with Crudites.

Welcome back!! Nice to see you on a roll again. What is the recipe or how to do you make the items I left above and what are crudites?? I'm in the kitchen today and tomorrow making things.

[bunsofaluminum]

KirstyKay!!! Hi!

It's terrific to see you! glad you're back. Me too!

[kirstykay]

Hi Buns!!! So great to see you here. Glad you're back as well!!

Debbie nice to see you as well. I think if you do a search on the recipe page on this website you'll find the recipes I based mine on. I made the corn chowder smokey by using fire roasted corn and a chipotle seasoning blend. I simply roasted the sweet potatoes on a baking sheet in the oven at 375 for 1 hour in their skins. And crudites is just a fancy word for raw veggies. I'm trying to keep my food simple (but I still like it to look and sound fancy )

So, I did not do well over Easter weekend. I won't go into it, but it was bad. I was allowing myself a little freedom, but I took it too far. Good news is, I paid for it, which I deserved. Other good news is I was staying at my mother's house, so all of the crap stayed there when I left. I thought I was going to die last night, I felt so bad. Seriously, I thought I probably was coming down with the flu, but it was just a bad case of McDougall's revenge. I slept off my food and wine coma and ate some potatoes and veggies and I feel almost normal now...except for the lingering remorse.

No wonder when I told my dh I was starting a MM tomorrow he got that "yeah, ok, we'll see how long this one lasts" look on his face. He didnt say a thing, his face said it all. Of couse I became all wounded and hurt and accused him of being unsupportive and not believing in me or giving me any credit. 28 years of marriage, 35 years in total, with this patient, supportive, loving man, who has never given up on me... been my biggest fan, really... and this is how I treat him. Trouble is he is just reflecting my inner critic back to me. He expresses with one look all the doubt I secretly feel, reflects my own thoughts back to me and then I blame him as the reason I can't conquer this demon. I'm most certainly a textbook addict. He is a saint. He deserves better. And yet, I'm still mad at him. Really, I'm mad at me, but it's easier to be mad at him. He tried to reel me in this weekend...that made me mad too. He stepped back, let me spiral...picked me back up. Listened to my new promise to change for real this time... but this time I mean it. And then just that little look in his eyes that needed no words.

I feel deflated. Ashamed. Sorry. Unworthy. Broken. ...Tired.

So I am here, licking my self-inflicted wounds, and boiling potatoes, and beginning again.

[SilverDollar123]

Oh Kirsty,You can do this. I feel for you . (((Hugs))) RAS

[moonlight]

Hi kirstykay,

I feel your pain! It is so frustrating to keep starting over but what is the alternative? You'll get there. Keep your eye on the prize! My birthday is in November, too. I'm hoping to be down 50 pounds by then. It's not my goal at the moment but it is a long-term goal.

You mention starting the MM. Is that the Mary's Mini? If so, I have a suggestion - just speaking from experience and what works for me. Since you are having trouble with compliance why not start with the goal of sticking with the MWL plan. After you've gotten control on that plan, if you want to step it up, try the Mary's Mini. I think going straight to the most restrictive diet plan might be setting you up for failure. Just a thought.

I know that 'look' from the dh. Sometimes I think they are trying to get on our emotional level - they are just trying to give a look that says they understand what we are going through, that it is tough. I bet you will feel better when you eat your potatoes for a couple of days .

Good luck. Try not to beat yourself up too bad. And remember life can only be found in the present moment because the past is no longer and the future has yet to come. The best way of preparing for the future (November 50 -60 pounds lighter!) is to take good care of the present, because we know that if the present is made up of the past (our overweight condition), then the future will be made up of the present. All we need to be responsible for is the present moment.

Cheers to November birthdays!!

[Anna Green]

Screw all that Kirstykay! Just eat your potatoes. You don't have to go through the self-flagellation. Reminds me of the nuns whipping themselves in the old days. I understand because I do it too but I'm letting it go because it doesn't help. How about this instead. Start a meditation practice as the little buffy you-tubers like to call it and imagine yourself (add me in there too while you're at it ) how you want to be and how you want to feel...you know skipping lightly and energetically through fields of daisies and shit. And allow yourself to enjoy and know how much you deserve it and how nobody or nothing should be allowed to take it from you. That feeling of deprivation? Flip a switch and feel deprived of all that feeling good with a healthy body and know you've been wronged and grab ahold of it tightly with a potato and carrot as your swords fighting the food and wine hangovers. omg...I'll stop. Just trying to make you laugh. Really though...if everyone in the world was like you it would be a really good place to live so stop the remorse. Just go eat your lovely potato and put a healthy sauce on it because you deserve healthy and delish.

[f00die]

your journal is called the slow fast way
jumping into the MM is kinda fast
whats the rush? dont let your remorse lead you into further loss of control
work on being satisfied with the regular McD plan
then add more veggies to your meals as you continue
coz avoiding a binge that can wipe out weeks of compliance/progress
is more important than maybe losing an extra 2-3 lbs this week
hang in there, its a long-term thing

[bunsofaluminum]

Aww, honey. Easter and the days preceding it were disastrous for me, too. Complete with McDougall's revenge, as my system rejects too much sugar, and sugary fat pills were my main indulgence. Ugh. Won't do that again. Funny how "flubbing it" can teach you SO much.

wish I could hug you though. Make all the "down on myself" feelings go away and tell you what a wonder and a joy you are. You do what you gotta do. If MM is what you want to do, give it a try but PLEASE don't beat yourself up if it doesn't stick.

Mwwwwah! SMOOCH! {HUGZZZZZ}

[kirstykay]

Thank you all for the great advice, kind words, virtual hugs, and general amazing-ness! I truly appreciate all the love and support. You have no idea what coming here and reading your responses did for me. I took your advice to heart, and feel so much better. I think I am just really early in my recovery and the temptations surrounding me on Easter were more than I could resist. I guess that's a normal human response to very accessible, highly palatable food. And I guess I am human. Okay.

Anna, you really did make me laugh, and I can't get the image out of my head of skipping through fields of daisies with a potato in one hand and a carrot in the other fighting off all temptations! It's actually awesome, and so are you!

I am done with my pity party and back on track. Yesterday felt like a re-start in all the best ways. No more of this feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up. It's so nice to know you really get it, RAZ! And your success inspires me. You're right, Buns, this is a learning opportunity, and thanks, Foodie and Moonlight, for reminding me that there is no rush here. My go to after indulgence is ALWAYS restriction, and I need to find a new go to. I know this, it involves all of your voices and hugs and uplifting thoughts and words.

I was talking to my son last night because he's struggling with some financial stuff. I told him to think about what he really wants for himself instead of what he thinks he wants in the moment. I also told him I believe in him and I know that he is stronger than he thinks he is, and that he can look at this problem logically instead of emotionally and build systems into his life (like not carrying his credit card with him) to make the positive behaviors easy and the undesirable behaviors harder. BAMB! Hit me between the eyes! How easy it is for me to have all the right things to say and advice to give to him. He was totally encouraged and motivated and inspired when we got off the phone. He called me his own little cheerleader and said he's going to call again whenever he needs a boost! The irony was not lost on me. Pity parties are useless. I'm over it! I can be my own little cheerleader and be encouraged, motivated and inspired by telling myself the things that so easily come to mind when I am talking to someone I love and respect.

My son is amazing. He's overcome many obstacles in his life to be the man he is today, and I admire him so much. But life is hard and can sometimes feel overwhelming. What else is new? So, this lifestyle is hard sometimes, and sometimes I'd rather have what I want now than make the choice to postpone the instant gratification for what I want more. But it's not impossible. I can certainly make those choices. I told my son that he GETS to choose. The first step comes in realizing that we are making a choice, whether we think we are or not. We are not powerless. We get to choose.

Yesterday, I chose to eat compliant food and move my body. I'm making the same choice today. Thanks for your help on my journey. I love this tribe!

[f1jim]

"So, this lifestyle is hard sometimes, and sometimes I'd rather have what I want now than make the choice to postpone the instant gratification for what I want more. But it's not impossible. I can certainly make those choices. I told my son that he GETS to choose. The first step comes in realizing that we are making a choice, whether we think we are or not. We are not powerless. We get to choose."

This is the whole enchilada when it comes to making this program work. In a few sentences you have encapsulated EVERYTHING you need to know to make this all work for you. Yes, it can be many difficult decisions as the easy way is fast and seemingly rewarding. But all of us have been around long enough to know how long that instant gratification lasts. Few of us get to experience the pleasure of long term gratification. All of life is simply thousands of small daily decisions we either make in our favor or choose to delay the inevitable. We finally reach those points where we decide to push beyond those instant gratification choices.
You are at one of those points or you would never have started this new journal. That's the problem with life. When we know we have heard the truth about diet and nutrition it keeps throwing it back in our face till we get it right. Over and over we rerun these choices because the body, at some level, knows what we must do. Just as a drug addict faces that choice with every high. Instant high versus the tough path to freedom from the cycle. "But it feels so good."

I know you know what needs to be done. Your words tell me you grasp the concept. I have no idea what your individual food demons are. For some it's sweets. For me it was salty greasy stuff. You know what things are your downfall.
Beat them. Conquer them. Master them. There is only one way to do that. You must not touch them till they loos their grip on you. Baby steps will only let them keep their grip on you. Lot's of people here will pat you on the back and tell you you are doing great. That's nice but only what you think and know counts. If you are doing well you wont need people slapping you on the back. It will show inside and out. Outside support is great, get it everywhere you can. Inside support is better. It only comes with every succeeding defeat of those daily bad choices. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you that you can do this. It is within any of us. Just being here means you are more than half way there.
Do it.
f1jim

[kirstykay]

JIM, I thank you so much for your response. I've been reading and re-reading your comments and chewing on them over the last couple of days. There is so much wisdom there. I appreciate you reflecting back to me what I said and affirming the fact that not only do I know what has to be done, but also that I am more than capable of doing it. You are right. I recognize that I am at a crossroads of sorts and willing to examine what I truly want, and what I truly want is to be one of those "few who get to experience the pleasure of long-term gratification."

I also appreciate your admonition to conquer my food demons:

"I know you know what needs to be done. Your words tell me you grasp the concept. I have no idea what your individual food demons are. For some it's sweets. For me it was salty greasy stuff. You know what things are your downfall. Beat them. Conquer them. Master them. There is only one way to do that. You must not touch them till they lose their grip on you. Baby steps will only let them keep their grip on you.

It means a lot to me to have you weigh in here, and I am here to say, that I am up to the challenge. I want to turn the corner from someone who knows what to do and can't quite get it done, to someone who can look back and say, "wow, that was hard, but so worth it!"

Thanks!

[kirstykay]

So, I think I'm realizing that I am not on a weight loss journey, really. In reality, I am in the process of finding PEACE. I am on a path to making my peace with food and my body. This is a process. A long one. But I am seeing progress, and I am redefining my goals in the process, and things are becoming clearer to me for the first time in a long time.

Since originally losing 100 pounds with McDougall 6 or 7 years ago (my timeline is fuzzy and I'm too lazy to figure it out) and then gaining back half of it...even while I was losing it...I was in a constant cycle between indulging and restricting. I was either "being perfect" on my plan, or I was totally off bingeing and sneaking fast-food and other crap. (It's embarrassing to admit this.) Every time I would get off track and start to gain weight, I would panic and go on some kind of a restrictive diet or fast - it started with juicing and I even did some total water fasts and obsessive exercising, and I lost weight...until I couldn't stand it anymore and then I would go off the rails and start gaining again, and start the cycle all over...until the shame overwhelmed me and then I would restrict again, and on and on. It was exhausting! I know this is not a new story. Many people struggle with this. I am not alone. However, I felt so much shame, I think, because I KNEW better. I know that this WOE works, and that it's not a plan of perfection or restriction. But I could never seem to make myself stop using it like just another diet.

I've been dieting my WHOLE LIFE! I specifically remember sneaking food as a child. Lots of it. I remember the shame of being a pudgy kid, and having the adults in my life monitor what I ate, and having the kids at school ostracize me because I was fat. As a young teen I learned how to diet and manipulate my weight by not eating, and I got thin and got friends, and life was good as long as I was being "good" on my diet. Except I couldn't keep it up, so the cycle started and has continued for the last 35 years. I'm afraid it's ingrained in my psyche. It is imprinted on my being. I'm not being dramatic here (okay, maybe a little), but just making the point to myself that this is no small thing. I'm trying to change the way I've behaved my entire life.

My point is, I came here this time to lose weight, yes, but more importantly, I have been on a quest for the last couple of years, not for the perfect numbers on the scale, but for PEACE. I need to make my peace with food and with my body. I am on a journey to do that. It is arduous and long and windy and unclear. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I refuse to spend my 50s being tormented and struggling for some elusive perfection like I did as a teenager and young adult and a 30-something. I'm getting too old for this. I'm tired, and I KNOW there is a better way. I am determined to find PEACE. That's what this journey is about for me now. Yes, I absolutely want to be a healthy weight. I want to have normal blood sugars consistently, I want to be active and age gracefully. But more than anything else, I want out. I am officially getting off the roller-coaster. I am declaring my self-hatred and self-flagellation a thing of the past. I want to care for myself as well as I've cared for all the people in my life that I love. (thanks for that, Anna Green)

I have a wonderful boss who I admire so much. I've worked with her for almost a year now, and she is a leader like no one I've ever met. She has a habit of gathering our team together daily and finding what it is we can celebrate. What are our "wins" are. She never, ever dwells on the negatives or the short-comings of the team or of individuals. If someone or something needs correcting, she calls it a "coaching moment" or a "learning opportunity." She quickly admits her own mistakes and shakes them off in the same way. I'll often hear her say, "well, that was a learning opportunity for me." She is not Pollyanna. She holds us all to a high standard, and has high expectations, and doesn't tolerate laziness or substandard work. But she learned somewhere along the way to inspire instead of criticize; to focus on the positives instead of highlight the negatives. I always feel good about myself and my performance when I interact with her. Everyone loves and respects her and does their best work for her because she creates an environment where it feels good to do so. I have a lot to learn from her.

In that vein, moving forward, I am going to find things to celebrate on this journey. I am going to record my "wins" and celebrate them. I will no longer waste time dwelling on and criticizing my short-comings or areas I need to improve, but will instead see them as "learning opportunities" and move on.

So, here are the WINS I'm celebrating at this point in my journey:

I haven't quit or given up, despite this being a life-long battle for me. I am strong and determined and tenacious.

I weigh 60 pounds less than I did a decade ago.

I weigh 20 pounds less than I did this time last year.

I am a really good cook. I've learned how to make delicious, healthy, vegan food that my husband loves to eat and brags about; and I regularly get compliments from non-vegans who eat it.

I no longer take medication for diabetes, and, although not in the non-diabetic range yet, my numbers consistently run about 100 points less than they did a year ago.

I raised three healthy kids who don't struggle with their weight or have any food or body issues.

My blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol are in normal ranges, and I take no medication for anything.

I can easily walk 3-4 miles in an hour because I no longer suffer from debilitating knee pain.

I successfully work a physically demanding job that has me on my feet 6-8 hours a day, and I keep up with the much younger team members who I supervise.

I am prepared with healthy food for today and feel positive about my continuing on this journey.

WOW! That's a lot to celebrate! When I focus on how far I've come, I feel excited for where I'm going and I am confident that I will regain not only my health, but build a new relationship with food and with my body.