PURA VIDA!

[kkrichar]

Note: I'm editing this post to keep track of my weight loss.

Date Weight Change Cumulative Change
2/15/2017: 163.8
2/24/2018: 162.8 -1 -1

Hi All,

KirstyKay has inspired me to start a new journal. I've been around the boards a long time. For many years without any real success, then a couple years with great success and peace with food and then back into the grips of the pleasure trap. I have a couple other journals and I don't really want to rehash a lot of what I've already shared but I would like a Cliff's Notes version of what it was like, what happened and what things are like now. I want it here for several reasons. 1) Other people who are where I am right now will not feel alone, 2) in the future, when these difficult times are behind me, newcomers can see I was exactly where they are now, and 3) the next time I go on vacation or just need a reminder of how bad things can get I can reread these entries and be reminded of what it was like.

I have this amazing ability to revise history when it suits me. "That wasn't so bad." "I can control things if I really want to." "I'll just get right back on plan after the holidays." Those sentences may be true for some people but not for me. I fall off the wagon and it can be years before I come back and a lot of pain and misery in the days between.

I don't want to put the whole sad story in one post so I'll break it up over a week maybe. Let me just start with an intro about where I am today. I got back, about a week ago, from a trip to Costa Rica. I've wanted to go there every since I first read about Dr. McDougall's Costa Rican Adventure Trip. My fiance and I couldn't afford to do that but we could visit the country. We stayed at an AirBnB and I ate mostly beans and rice while I was there that I made myself along with corn tortillas, fruits and vegetables we bought in the grocery stores or Farmer's Market. We did eat in some restaurants and that food was not compliant. I have been off and on the McDougall Plan for the last couple years. I've gained over 20 pounds (mostly the first year) and have been struggling to find the willingness to recommit the entire time. In the weeks I've been back on the plan I've felt good and asked myself why I ever deviate and then I deviate again. It's insanity really.

Anyhoo, I had a wonderful time in Costa Rica but, like most contemporary vacations, there is no shortage of photo opportunities. We went on several excursions (white water rafting, zip lining and rappelling in the rain forest) and the tour companies take your picture the whole time. Then they try to sell you the pictures. Its great if you don't hate the sight of yourself. My fiance bought a GoPro right before we left and was obsessed with his new toy the entire trip. Every night he'd play the videos he had recorded and try to trim them to put snippets on social media. Every time I saw my image I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe how bad I let things get again. I thought I was done with this and here I was again. I also felt bad that I couldn't be excited about his collection of our trip memories. I felt bad for myself and for him and for our relationship and pending marriage. It was so clear how my relationship with food spreads into so many areas of my life. It's not just me who suffers. There was one excursion where several of us climbed a rope onto a waterfall and the photographer took everyone's picture as we jumped off. When it was my turn to climb up I really struggled to get my body out of the water. I just didn't have enough strength in my arms to hold my weight and my feet were slipping on the rocks making it difficult to use my leg strength. I was afraid and embarrassed and chastised myself for getting so fat. Eventually I did get up on the rock but, of course, I hated the picture the photographer took!!

I did enjoy my vacation despite feeling bad about how I looked and felt. However, I came home with the willingness I needed to recommit. I had a week of beautiful sunny weather and beans and rice and veggies to get me started. My fiance and I are getting married in a year and I don't want to bring this abusive relationship with food into our marriage. I don't want to hate myself on our honeymoon. I don't want to be physically limited in what we can do while on vacation because I'm trapped in an unhealthy relationship with food and I don't have the strength to lift my own body. We are adventure travelers. We love to cliff jump and rappel and zip line and raft and hike and snorkel and swim. Personally, I love to run. My running was the best it's ever been 2 years ago. I want that back. I want my beautiful, peaceful, active, adventurous life back and I want to share it with my fiance for the rest of my days.

So, I'm back from Costa Rica. I'm all inspired to get on the food plan. I buy groceries. Make food for work. Things are going well. A couple days in I get the news that a friend of mine (48 years old) died from heart failure. We weren't super close but I always really liked her. She was an alcoholic and struggled all the time I knew her. She never found peace and eventually her body couldn't take anymore punishment. I'm 48. I haven't been able to find sustained peace with food. I continue to abuse my body, then treat it well, then abuse it again, over and over again. One of these times could be my last. I don't want to gamble with my life anymore. This isn't about looking good in my wedding photos. This is about living happy, joyous and free for all the days I can.

My first date back on the plan was Wednesday, Feb. 15th, 2017. I weighed 163.8. I think my 5'6" days are over. The last few times I've been to the doctor I think I was measured at 5'5" 1/2. Maybe even 5'5" once. Anyhoo, I decided to recalculate my BMI using 5'5" instead of 5'6". Ouch. That puts me back over 27 (27.3). Sniff. It's hard enough recalculating with the added weight but shaving some height off the deal was just cruel. But, it is what it is and we all have to start somewhere. I might get one of those new tickers. I joined the MWL weigh-in group. So, I plan to post my weekly weight there and in my journal. And, I think I'll do what KirstyKay is doing and make a monthly post with changes in measurements and whatnot.

I titled my journal Pura Vida because that's what they say in Costa Rica. Literally it means "pure life" but colloquially they use it to mean many things like "great!" or "see ya" or "congratulations". They also say, "live slow." And I think that's great too. This is my life now. This is how I eat. I want to live the slow, pure life that a whole foods, low fat, plant based diet can provide.

So forward we go into our beautiful, adventurous lives. PURA VIDA!!

Kelly

[GlennR]

Kelly, I'm with you on this. I've been trying to get all the way to bright for years and have had success followed by backsliding a few times now. I too started a new journal rather than reopening either of my previous journals. I'm not getting younger and it seems I always had my pain excuse to fall back on. I realized after the last couple of years that I was never going to conquer the pain and restore my movement unless I was willing to work my way through it.

So, here we are in the same boat. I'll be paddling hard to get me where I need to go. Best of luck to you! I'm sure you can do it.

[kkrichar]

Hi Glenn, thanks for stopping by! It's nice to have other people around who are where you are. That's what I love so much about these forums. You have people demonstrating real, long-term success. So you know it's possible. You also see people who are where you are so you don't feel alone or like you're the only one who couldn't just "get it" and be done with the problem. There are also people (some day) who are newer than you so you can be of service and the pain you endured might help another person.

For me, the hardest time is the time between hitting an emotional/physical bottom with food and the time I begin to feel relief from the changes. When I let things get to a point where I hate myself, I'm in physical pain, my clothes don't fit, and it's uncomfortable to run and I finally can't take it anymore I want relief immediately...because I can't take it anymore. Of course, for me, immediate relief never comes. I know some people describe freedom from symptoms immediately but that never happens with me. I often experience something more like a painful detox or even weight gain and bloating. Then I get this little persecution complex going and start to resent everyone else's success. Here's how it goes in my head:

Forum post by every single new McDougaller who isn't me: "I've been following the Starch Solution for 4 days now. I've lost 9 pounds, gone down 2 pants sizes, stopped the arthritis medication I've been taking daily for 20 years and no longer need my CPAP!"

Me: "I've been following MWL 100% for a month and ran/walked 144 miles. I've gained 2 pounds, my head is pounding and I'm so bloated even my shoes don't fit. Why does God hate me?????"

This time around I'm trying to mentally prepare for this. Accept it is part of the process. If my body needs to detox then let the detox begin. I will get to the other side if I stay on the path. I will never have to endure this again if I never get off the path. So, I'm working on seeing my issues with food as a gift. If I wasn't so extreme with my eating. If I didn't crave and over-consume SAD foods to a dangerous degree I never would have considered something as unconventional as a whole foods, no oil, plant-based diet. That no oil thing practically destroys families and friendships. I hate confrontation or asking other people to accommodate my "problems." So, family functions, celebrations, restaurant meals with friends are painful for me. I feel angry that I'm so different and can't just order what everyone else is ordering. Or even just order vegan food but with oil. There are plenty of vegans and vegan options in my town. But it is really really difficult to get something without oil that isn't just a plain iceberg lettuce salad with one cardboard slice of tomato in it for 9 bucks. The Midwestern miser in me jumps in on that too. I bought a salad the other day at a grocery store from the salad bar. No dressing. No drink. No bread. Just the salad. It was $12. It was delicious but it cost more than any of the local all-you-can-eat buffets. That kind of stuff gets my negative thinking going. That's the stuff I need to let go.

Back to the gratitude. How lucky am I that I have a response to hyper-palatable foods so extreme that it led me to this website and the secret to health and active longevity (or at least the best chance at it)? Who cares if I have to eat a plain baked potato or an iceberg lettuce salad once in awhile? I have friends who want to spend time with me. That's what I should be focusing on.

Well, my fiance needs to take the computer to class. So, I'll just end this post with a note to myself: Gratitude. Get some.

Pura Vida!
Kelly

[jamietwo]

Hi Kelly! I followed you before, but I don't remember a fiance. Congratulations! I do remember that you are a committed runner, and that you had found your sweet spot with the McDougall diet. I'm confident you will again! Welcome back.

[kkrichar]

Hi Jamie!! I remember you too! Thanks for stopping by. The fiance is new. This might be a good time to start filling in my history.

Here's a super Cliff's Notes version of the time between joining the boards and the "sweet spot" Jamie mentioned.

OK, so, I'm about to way over-share here but I think it gives some insight into my struggles and my choices. I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for nearly 13 years. I noticed issues with food (binge eating on sweets mainly) as early as age 12 but it was never really at the forefront of my mind. I had lots of alcohol-related consequences but sports and family regulated meals kept my weight under control through high school. In college my eating got worse but so did my drinking and the problems from drinking were more noticeable. After decades of battling alcoholism I finally got sober in 2004. At the time I thought all my problems were alcohol related and everything in my life would miraculously fix itself after quitting drinking. That didn't happen and my issues with food became more prominent. I noticed my issues with food played out a lot like my issues with alcohol (obsessive thinking about certain foods, inability to avoid taking the first bite, unable to stop once starting) and wondered if a similar solution was in order. Namely, the idea of abstinence from foods that trigger my obsession. During that time I also had some health issues, a couple cancer scares, some elevated biomarkers that sort of thing and started to research diet and disease. I came across Dr. McDougall's website and it all made immediate sense to me. It fit with everything I was thinking from food obsession to disease. Plus I love animals and the environment so win win win win, right? I joined the boards in 2008 (I think) after lurking for several years. I was sure I had found my solution yet every attempt I made to stick to the plan failed.

The Sweet Spot
In 2013, after many years of trying and failing to change my WOE, I finally committed to going to OverEaters Anonymous (OA). They treat over-eating like alcoholism and they don't have any opinion on which diet you should follow. They basically just suggest staying away from foods that trigger the obsession. I don't know why going to meetings made a difference for me. The diet was the same one I'd been trying to follow the whole time. It also wasn't the first time I tried OA either. So, I can't say why it was different but it was. I lost about 40 pounds and stayed on my food plan for a little over a year. By the end of 2014, I was feeling the best I'd ever felt about myself. I was running and, in my mid-40s, getting faster. I even made my way closer to the front of the pack (in my age group) and was looking forward to seeing what I could accomplish with this hobby.

I was not in a relationship and hadn't wanted to be in years. I wanted to work on all my stuff first. I had a full life with good friends. I also liked being able to control everything (my food, my environment) and did not want to look for someone who could deal with no drinking, no animal products, no oil, 2 cats, 12-step program meetings blah blah blah. In December of 2014, however, I felt it was time to try dating.

The Gradual Slide
I tried online dating and met someone I liked. We dated a couple months and during that time it became pretty clear he didn't want to deal with my food issues. It was interesting, because I feel total commitment to my sobriety and I'm even grateful for what I went through and what my disease allows me to do for others, the people I've met but I have never felt that way about my food issues. I don't know why but I've continued to feel sorry for myself. I felt insecure and angry. It confirmed what I already believed (that I have too many issues and I'll never find anyone willing to accommodate them). I eventually tried letting oil back in just when on dates. By the end of the 2 months that relationship lasted my old obsession was re-awakened. I tried very hard to get back on track but, really, I never did after that. I never found the old willingness I had before to go 100%

I met another guy after that. I told him what my issues were. He said he was OK with it but that he likes to go out to restaurants now and again. I believed, if I were really committed to my food plan, I should be able to find something to eat no matter where we go. But, like I said, I never really committed again. Things worked out with that guy. We've been together almost 2 years and are now engaged. However, despite my insistence early on that I was committed to a food plan, my eating has gotten further and further away from McDougall. We've been on 2 vacations now where I insisted we stay at an AirBnB rather than a resort so I could make my own food. Both times I never stayed 100% on my food plan.

Now
This brings me to our most recent trip to Costa Rica where I was a miserable wreck every time I saw my own picture and came back with willingness I haven't seen in a good long while. So, strike while the iron is hot, right? The door of willingness has opened for me and I'm stepping through it!!

One last weight history bit: My weight maxed out at 220 pounds right before I quit drinking. After I quit, but before OA, I lost some weight and then bounced around between 180-190 for the next 9 years. Then I got down to 140 in 2015. Bounced back up to 160+ within the first 8 months of my current relationship. The last year I've been struggling to get back on track.


OK, that's it. It's all forwarding thinking from here on out.

[kkrichar]

Today was my first restaurant challenge. Of course, right on cue, day 6 and I already had a social obligation. The group picked a sushi restaurant. I ordered a cucumber roll, oshinko roll and vegetable roll. The vegetable roll had a small amount of avocado in it. Normally, I would order an avocado roll (with tons of avocado) and yam tempura roll (with fried yam/sweet potato). This restaurant is also my absolute least favorite place for sushi. The rolls are tiny and don't taste very good. They brought a salad with ginger dressing (didn't know it came with the meal). I asked about oil and they said it did have sesame oil. They took the salad back and brought another with no dressing. It was - you guessed it - iceberg lettuce! No cardboard tomato, though. There was a slice of cucumber and some carrot shavings. I ate it. I also had a cup of miso soup because they said it didn't have any oil. However, after coming home I Googled miso soup and, depending on whether or not it had dashi it may not have been McDougall compliant. So, henceforth, no miso soup. It is not a trigger for me so I think I'm still OK on that front. I was still hungry when I got home and cooked up some baby potatoes in the Instant Pot and dipped them in Chef AJ's Yummy sauce.

My food today:

oatmeal with blueberries and banana
miso soup, lettuce and cucumber salad, veggie roll, cucumber roll, oshinko roll
steamed baby potatoes with Chef AJ's yummy sauce

I haven't decided what's for dinner yet. Maybe some beans and rice and corn tortillas I brought back from Costa Rica.

I will walk on the treadmill for a bit later.

[SilverDollar123]

Welcome back! Really missed you guys!. I'm RAS got a new name as I got bumped.lol.Been lurking here and doing the
birthday list. got to start some-where so let the games begin here.! RAS

[kirstykay]

Kelly!!!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your new journal!!!!!!! I keep wanting to LIKE and LOVE your posts, like on facebook! LOL!

Thanks for the Cliff Notes version of your food journey. I think it's really really helpful to have it all laid out like that...for you as well as others joining in. One thing I've always admired about your is your honest transparency. Thanks for that. It helps me. I also admire your tenacity. You are strong and courageous and you never give up!

I had to look up Pura Vida! And I fell in love with this saying. I especially liked the following explanation: "Pura vida! Means that no matter what your current situation is, life for someone else can always be less fortunate than your own. So you need to consider that maybe...just maybe, your situation isn't all that bad and that no matter how little or how much you have in life, we are all here together and life is short...so start living it "pura vida style". It seems to imply so much more, though, like just a deep appreciation for the simplicity and beauty of life itself. In my search, I found a Yoga Studio in Appleton called Pura Vida Yoga! How cool is that? So, thanks for this. It totally fits my new approach to life.

I could go on, but I won't hijack your journal. I have so much hope for you, for us! I know we will do this! Great to have you back! Looking forward to the days, weeks, months ahead! Pura Vida!

[kkrichar]

RAS!!! Hello!! I saw you over in Kirsty's journal and maybe Anna's and was so happy to see you here. Thanks for saying hi.

KIRSTY!!!! I can't tell you how excited I am about all the old peeps back in the hood again. Thanks for reaching out to me. It made a huge difference. I love the people on these boards. Also, thanks for looking up Pura Vida. I heard it used in so many different ways while in Costa Rica I wasn't sure how to describe it here. It really was a feeling you get when people say it more than anything. I think the description you provided is perfect!! How amazing is that? I didn't even know that description when I titled my journal yet it fits us all so well!!

OK, so, today is my 7th day following the McDougall plan. I'm not limiting myself to MWL but I'd like the majority of my meals to be MWL compliant. This first month is going to be heavy starch to avoid cravings and ease the transition back to WFNOPB. I don't want to place more rules on myself than is necessary for long-term compliance, health and freedom from obsession. However, I do want to be very honest with myself about what triggers me and make those things off-limits just like alcohol. That's the way I need to do it. I've tried "managing" my cravings and it can't be done. The best defense against a craving is don't get it started. So, I will likely remove things from my food plan over time. For now, I'm keeping it relatively simple. I do need to lose weight and am not currently eating nuts or seeds. I had a little avocado at the sushi restaurant but am not including it in my diet like I did before. I don't usually use nut milks either.

Along with accurate self-evaluation and modifications to my food plan, a big goal of mine is to figure out how to do what I need to do while in a relationship with someone who doesn't eat the way I do. In the past, whenever I read posts about relationship struggles from other McDougallers, I always thought, "Well, that's one good thing about being single. I can completely control what I'm exposed to in my own home and I don't have to fight about anything." Those days are over and it's a blessing and a curse. My fiancé is not a McDougaller and he doesn't want to be. However, he loves veggies and most of the time, when we're together, he eats things that I can eat. We don't have candy or cookies or dairy or oil in the house. He likes to go out to eat more frequently than I would prefer and he likes pasta, bread, pizza and other processed foods more often than I think is good for me. We don't have to eat the same thing 100% of the time. He cooks and he likes to experiment to find ways to make things I can eat that he will enjoy. Having said that, when he experiments with things, it's almost always something processed or higher in fat than I would do if I were planning the meal. That creates some inner tension. I don't want to discourage his enthusiasm but I don't want to compromise what I need just to avoid conflict. So, I think it's important for me to figure out what it is I need and then make it clear. I'm still working on that.

I had my usual oatmeal with blueberries and banana for breakfast. I brought black beans and rice and corn tortillas for lunch. I also brought an apple, some yummy sauce and carrots and baby potatoes in case I get hungry or cravings at work. Not sure about dinner.

I had pasta with marinara sauce last night for dinner and pizza for dinner the night before. So, whatever I have it will not be flour based.

My right foot hurt last night when I was walking on the treadmill so I don't think I'll run today. I may try going for a walk to see how it feels. If all is well I will run tomorrow. It's supposed to get up 73 degrees here on Wednesday and then back down to 33 degrees by Saturday. So I really really really want to enjoy this nice weather while we have it.

OK, I have to get some work done. Pura Vida!!

[GlennR]

Along with accurate self-evaluation and modifications to my food plan, a big goal of mine is to figure out how to do what I need to do while in a relationship with someone who doesn't eat the way I do. In the past, whenever I read posts about relationship struggles from other McDougallers, I always thought, "Well, that's one good thing about being single. I can completely control what I'm exposed to in my own home and I don't have to fight about anything." Those days are over and it's a blessing and a curse. My fiancé is not a McDougaller and he doesn't want to be. However, he loves veggies and most of the time, when we're together, he eats things that I can eat!

It is difficult if things come into the house which are former favorites of mine but, by and large, I feel it's my issue to deal with. It isn't ever going to be easy to deal with the bag of chips sitting on the counter but I'm better at it than I was at one time. All the way to bright is still a challenge for me. Perhaps with time I'll be able to ignore them.

[kirstykay]

Kelly, Yes, it my be more difficult having someone else to consider. I think you're on the right track, though. Figure out what you want your boundaries are and then communicate them clearly. It sounds to me like you have a good relationship that can handle it. My problem is always that I like to use accommodating others as an excuse to not have to honor my promise to myself. It gives me "permission" to cross a line that my saner self would rather not cross, but my crazy brain really wants any opportunity to obliterate. That's the tough one. The struggle is really with myself, if I'm honest. Thanks for helping me think about that. Congrats on getting your first week under your belt!

[Anna Green]

kk, I didn't realize how much I missed you till I started reading your words. And omg! You're engaged! Now I have to go back and read the rest but I didn't want to wait to say how happy I am to hear about your life!

[kkrichar]

Thanks Kirsty. Tony and I are really trying to make this work. He knows it's important to me on multiple levels. He remembers how happy I was when we met. It hurts him to see me so down on myself. I don't want to be the person who criticizes herself all the time, complains about pictures of herself, or can't participate in things because she physically can't do it. I just want to live in the body I was given and let it accomplish all it is capable of achieving. I just need to give my body the things it requires to function properly.

Anna!! Thanks for stopping by! I missed you too. I'm so glad you're here. I can't believe the stress in your life and everything you've walked through with grace. Tough climate in this country right for you and your loved ones. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and asking your family for what you need.

I lost 1 pound this week. Of course, I always assume my first week will be big and it never is so I'm trying to remember that. My main focus this week has been staying with McDougall approved foods, heavy starch. I'm not stictly MWL but I can change that whenever I feel it's appropriate. So, in terms of weight loss, there's room to change things around. I get really nervous in the beginning about hunger and cravings and I don't want to trigger either of those. So I'm happy with my choices this week.

Also, I hurt my foot and can't run. I tried walking but it hurt too much. In an effort to stay positive, last night I went to the Rec Center and got a 1 month swim pass. My swim cap tore in half and my goggles leaked but I swam .64 miles (45 laps) anyway. I'm going to buy a new cap and goggles today. I have a shoulder injury that is mostly better but still a little sore when I do the crawl. I had to mostly do the breast stroke which is slow going. I'm reminding myself that swimming will actually be better for my shoulder than running since running doesn't do anything to exercise my shoulder muscles. I had reached a place of complacency with my physical therapy even though I wasn't totally healed. Maybe this is the universe's way to get me to finish up my PT.

I have a 3-day weekend this weekend. So, I'm headed off to the Amish grocery store to buy my bushel of oats, beans, rice and spices. I love that place. This fall I got honey crisp apples for 29 cents a pound!! For reals. I bought like 9 pounds. I also got 50 pounds of potatoes for $9. Well, I should get going if I want to run all my errands and make it to the pool before the working stiffs get off work and show up.

[GlennR]

Having a supportive partner is terrific. I'm very happy to know that Tony is on board for you. That's half the battle won already!

A pound down is very good. If you do that, even every couple of weeks, you'll be at your target weight before you know it.

[kirstykay]

I have a 3-day weekend this weekend. So, I'm headed off to the Amish grocery store to buy my bushel of oats, beans, rice and spices. I love that place. This fall I got honey crisp apples for 29 cents a pound!! For reals. I bought like 9 pounds. I also got 50 pounds of potatoes for $9. Well, I should get going if I want to run all my errands and make it to the pool before the working stiffs get off work and show up.

Kelly, can you tell me where this place is? We're going to pick our son up for Spring Break so we'll be in the area in March. I'd love to check it out! You can PM me if that's better. Thanks!!

I'm glad you are doing well and getting back into this. I love having you here! Congrats on the pound! Good news is, you caught this before you had 80 pounds to lose again!!