MSMLS's McDougall Journal: So Much To Lose, So Much to Gain

[MSMLS]

As I sit here, midday on my day off this week, I decided to start blogging this journey I'm starting. This is not the first time I've done this, although I sincerely hope this will be the last time. I am fat. FAT. Eff Ay Tee. I can help it, but it's hard.

I weighed in yesterday at 441lbs. This is the biggest weight I've ever been. EVER. I am ashamed. I am saddened. I feel overwhelmed. I know how I got here, I know how to get out, and yet, I struggle against myself.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. But I'm doing everything I can to kill myself. Why? I don't know. It's easier that way, I guess. Isn't that sad? I'd rather die than face the prospect of not eating fatty rich foods? That sounds like an addict. Can I use curse words in here? Because I do a lot in life, but I'd abstain. Anyhow, back to me... I take that bite of ice cream, and I contemplate on it and I make the conscious choice to eat this ice cream and die rather than pass on it and live. I am pathetic.

About a year ago, I started doing the dukan diet at around 436lbs. I journaled on the board there, optimistic about myself and my journey. And you know what? I lost weight. A few months in, my mother died. That was hard. Hard times. I made the decision to push through with the diet despite the pain I was feeling. Life was hard then. If I dwell on her death, it can still hurt. The emptiness is still there. But the point is I kept pushing on. My wife and my 10 year wedding anniversary was coming up in Sept and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way of having the honeymoon we never had.

I lost nearly 70 lbs on the Dukan diet. I was the smallest I'd been for years. I felt great. Had tons of energy. Went on our anniversary trip and took a swan dive off that diet. Gained 10 pounds on our 10 day trip. When I returned, I never could get back on. By that time, it was the holidays, and again, without my mother, they felt odd. I turned to my old buddies in the food worlds, and started eating the wrong combinations of things, again.

And this is how I got to where I am today. Bigger than ever, feeling like I'm about to die any minute... yet I'm seriously considering going out for one more hoo-rah. I'm going to 'last hoo-rah' myself into ashes.

My wife and I did Dr. McDougall's eating program several years ago for 6 months or so. I'm not sure why we stopped. I'm not sure I was ever fully on board. I know I lost weight. I know we will lose weight again.

This morning I went to the store and bought some supplies like tupperware and dressing bottles and some vegetables. We aren't fully stocked yet, but it's a place to start. I had a potato and a cut up cucumber with some odd dressing I invented for breakfast. that was a few hours ago, and now I'm hungry again. I'll have to eat soon. I know I'm supposed to eat more often. I will.

I know this post seems rather negative. I'm just not in the mood right now to be all gung ho because I don't want to be so foolish. I will not fail, I will not fail, I will not fail. I am not planning to fail. I have two choices: follow through, or die. And I don't want to die... remember that line from earlier?

I'll write things down here explicitly. I am explicit.

To know something about me, I am 34, married with a 10 year old son. My wife and I can easily both lose 150 lbs. we will do this together.

[kirstykay]

MSMLS- WELCOME!!! You are here. That's the first step. You've come to the right place, and you know what you need to do. You can do it. It sounds like you have lots of great reasons to do it. There are several here who have lost a lot of weight. There are many here (myself included) that have had to face our demons and addictions, even though it would be easier to just eat ice cream. You are not alone. I won't lie to you and tell you it will be easy-you already know what you're up against. But the truth is...it is possible; and right now, you sound like that's an important thing to believe.

Check out Norm's journal. He's started out at 425 and has made tremendous progress. You may be encouraged to read about his journey. viewtopic.php?f=21&t=24788

Also, this is an excellent video about food addiction and how to deal with it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAdqLB6bTuQ

I wish you all the best.

[kkrichar]

Welcome, MSMLS! Glad you're here. This is a lifelong journey so we all hope to be here for a long time. We'll get this together. Just keep coming back no matter what.

[Norm]

Welcome aboard!!

You are not alone! There are others here in your size range who've dealt with what you're going through. I am one of them! There are others.
You know you can lose weight with this lifestyle because you've done it before. You've even done it before when you admit you weren't fully on-board with it! Imagine how much further you can go if you are 100% on-board with it!
I want you to know that you can learn to love not eating that addicting ice cream. It can be a challenge to overcome those addictions, but on the other side is a life of freedom and happiness. Your addiction tells you there is nothing but misery, suffering, and failure waiting for you if you try. Your addiction is a liar.

You can do this!! One bite at a time. One meal at a time. One day at a time. We're here to help you in any way we can.

-Norm

[MSMLS]

Good morning! I stayed up yesterday instead if napping my day away like I normally would. I've got some pain in my left Achilles heel. sporadic at best. Makes me worry a bit, but not much. It hasn't done it this morning.

I stepped on the scale this morning and was down two pounds. That's a good direction to be going. My shorter goal is to be under 400 by the end of June.

Im planning on doing the couch potato to 5k program with my son this summer. he can't spend the whole summer playing video games. I've got to figure out a way to get him some more vegetables to eat.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of me. Im very jovial and sarcastic and fun loving. I like to laugh. All the time. my first post didn't really come off that way.

My wife and I are going to Sams this morning ans stocking up. They have the best prices on salad greens. Im excited! So ready to get on 100%!

[Norm]

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of me. Im very jovial and sarcastic and fun loving. I like to laugh. All the time. my first post didn't really come off that way.

Your first post shared your frustration with where you are and how you've gotten there... It shared both the negative feelings you have about that... and it showed your determination to fix it. The "turning point" is a very emotional place in time and you captured both sides well. Don't worry about how you come across, just keep up the honest sharing of where you are. I see it as all positive steps in the right direction!

You're doing great!

-Norm

[MSMLS]

Well, I got my baseline cholesterol numbers, so I'm going to post them.

Cholesterol: 178 mg/dL
HDLD: 38.5 mg/dL
Triglyceride: 77 mg/dL

Those look middle numbers. I've never had a problem with high cholesterol. Even eating crap, the numbers are always within normal parameters.

I still have low serum iron and low transferrin saturation. I always have low serum iron. I've been researching it a bit, and there is a connection between obesity and low iron... being that obesity accompanies low iron levels, but that obesity doesn't cause low iron levels. I'll have to read more into this.

My insurance doesn't really afford for me to go to the dr. In the past he's told me to take an iron supplement, but I hate taking them. They make my stomach hurt. I've taken women's vitamins in the past, because it's a lower level of Iron, but still contains iron.

I know that Dr. McDougall's program doesn't advocate supplements, but how can I increase my iron intake to compensate?

[MSMLS]

So, after some fits and starts, mostly fits, last week, My wife and I are 100% on program now. It feels good. And it feels scary. Scary because I don't want to follow the same patterns of failure that I've done in the past. I keep telling myself if I stumble, to just get back on the next time. I'll have to keep that mindset.

I'm not 100% prepared like I need to be. I keep finding things that I need to be successful. Simple things, but lots of simple things just add up to be a complex thing. Things like apparently, we have a huge amount of bowls and lids that don't match. solution, force them on, mark it down as something I need to buy, and throw that other junk out. problem: the can opener at work absolutely SUCKS... solution, power through today and purchase one for my locker tomorrow morning. I also thought I had all the spices to make the low calorie recipies, but I was lacking... I improvised, and made due, but it's just one more thing I have to purchase. I feel like I"m spending left and right to get this established. lol.

Apparently, in my fits and starts (mostly fits, mind you), I've gained enough weight to ERR out my scale. great. fantastic. I do have an option to weight, and will exercise that shortly. I won't be able to weigh my perferred method (naked), but at least I'll have a number. And I can weigh here once or twice until my home scale comes back into range.

I need to set some goals.

[Norm]

So, after some fits and starts, mostly fits, last week, My wife and I are 100% on program now. It feels good. And it feels scary. Scary because I don't want to follow the same patterns of failure that I've done in the past. I keep telling myself if I stumble, to just get back on the next time. I'll have to keep that mindset.

Yay!! The scary part will go away after a while... after you realize that this REALLY works!! Keep at it!

-Norm

[kkrichar]

I just restarted too! We can do this!

[MSMLS]

I just restarted too! We can do this!

good luck to us both!

[Caroveggie]

Congrats for starting up again.

There's lots of support and good ideas for meals and recipes too.

Not sure if this applies/helps but here's Dr. McDougall on anemia: http://www.drmcdougall.com/med_anemia.html

I remember when I started this job, I had the same problems at work. I invested in a veggie peeler, brought my own small glass cooking Tupperware, and adapted some part of some cooking appliance in the kitchen as my colander for rinsing chickpeas. Luckily the can opener works.

Good luck and good eatin'

[MSMLS]

Oh, help me... I'm having a hard time. Three days in, and I'm CRAVING things like CRAZY! I hate this phase. It sucks, and it's hard to get through. one plus to the all protein diets is that the ketones totally kill your appetite and cravings.

I'm an addict and I'm going through withdrawl. complete, horrible withdrawl.

I ate a TON this morning. I just kept eating and eating. I NEVER eat that much, EVER, but as soon as I'd eat, 30 min later I'd be famished again, and would eat again, and again, and again. It was NUTS! Holy schamoly!

I'm starting my night rotation at work right now. I'll go in at 11pm and get off in the morning. My normal routine is to stop by the cafeteria in the morning and get grits and eggs. I'll have to break that today.

I also tended to eat sunflower seeds in the car to keep me awake. Now, that's one thing I've had is TONS of energy. My wife isn't really having any energy, but I've got a lot! I've got to find something to sub for seeds in case I start getting sleepy driving again.

Anyhow, that's about it right now. Honestly, I'm feeling discouraged. I haven't lost much of anything, and I'm craving things like crazy, and I'm weak (of spirit). I'm gonna take a nap now before work, then pack my lunch and go on my way and hope for the best.

[kkrichar]

Hang in there. I'm on day 3 as well and have been grazing all day. It's tough but we can't worry about weight loss until we get through this phase. Getting through this any way we can is the most important thing. It'll be worth it. We can do this.

[MSMLS]

Today was much better!

Hardly any cravings at all. And I finally got some baked beans and oh my oh my, how that helped sate about 1000 different cravings I was having!

I'm glad that I lost 3lbs. Down is down! Down is good. I can once again weigh on my home scale. That's good. I'll weigh tonight at the work scale and see what the difference is.

My wife seems to be adapting okay.

If only I could get my kid to eat vegetables.