FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Share your daily McDougall menus and/or keep a journal describing your personal progress.

Moderators: JeffN, f1jim, carolve, Heather McDougall

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby healthnut13 » Sat May 26, 2012 5:04 pm

Wow guys! I haven't been on these journal pages in a looooong time and was thrilled to find this one! I sooooooo relate to kkrichar and LauraA..." I'm also interested in your discussion of moderation. For me, that has to be moderation within the McDougall program. If that is the ideal way to eat, then my would we purposely include foods outside of that in moderation if we have food addictions? I do think that everyone is different on that. Some people need to not deprive themselves too much, but for me, if I have a little, then I'll have it all."

I, too (kkrichar) find the exercise part a lot more difficult than the eating aspect...and as "they" say, it's 80% diet...20% exercise, but we will do it! I want to measure my success in how I stick to McDougalling for the next 40 days (just started a journal today) and not the scale, etc. Just wanted you all to know I've loved reading all your posts and you've got one more on your "team"! :D

(Oh, and kkrichar...for what it's worth, as much as you can internally tell yourself as your family and friends are talk, talk, talking about YOUR body parts and their desires for you to get them chopped off :D ...-agree that they probably just want you to be that happy. I had a friend who just had "the surgery" and raves so much too. I'm not justifying what they do at all cuz it's your body and who would harp on a guy and his "privates" like women feel the freedom to do? Anyways, tell yourself that deep down they have your best interest at heart--which is sounds like you are dutifully trying to do--and hopefully it will help...it's gotta be a test of your self control!).
"If nothing changes...nothing changes!"
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby sksamboots » Sun May 27, 2012 9:29 pm

KK,

You are doing great. Keep on keepin on :nod:
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Wed Jun 06, 2012 9:39 am

So, I'm working on this idea of creating a "bottom" rather than "hitting bottom." I thought I already talked about it here but I can't find the post. Oh well, I'd probably be repeating myself anyway, so I apologize in advance if I am. I often "discover" things many times forgetting I had thought of it before. Anyhoo, I compare my issues with food to my issues with alcohol (and cigarettes) because it feels the same to me. The thought processes, the physical reactions, the way my relationships are impacted, it's all the same. Because I hit bottom with cigarettes and alcohol and completely abstain from these substances I don't understand why I can't get there with my food. Some might say I haven't hit my bottom yet with food. So, I want to know if I can create a bottom rather than waiting until I'm in the hospital being told I won't live unless I change. Why do I always have to get to a point where I'm going to lose something very important before I'll change my behavior? Even knowing I will lose something in the future isn't enough. The threat has to be right now! I will die if I don't do this TODAY kind of thing.

I don't want to wait until my health is completely lost. I read a post by Jim yesterday where he described the fear he felt when his health was failing. It's exactly what I experienced with my alcoholism. I was so scared I was willing to try anything; even giving up my most beloved of all things - alcohol. Think about it. The only thing that made my day worthwhile was drinking. That was absolutely the last thing I would ever consider eliminating. Life couldn't possibly be worth living without it. At the same time there must have been some survival instinct still simmering inside me because I wasn't willing to overtly take my own life either. So, one day a choice had to made and I chose life without alcohol. Everything changed and life is most definitely worth living. I truly believe the same will be true if I stick to McD 100%. I think amazing things will happen that I'm not even thinking about now. I want to know what those things will be. I want to experience them. However, when a craving hits something switches off in my head. I think I can start over tomorrow. I must believe I have a lot more time but that may not be true. I have no way of knowing how much damage I've already done. I don't know if cancer is already growing in my body. This should scare the *bleep* out of me! This should be reason enough not to risk taking away another precious day of my life.

I've already had malignant melanoma (I believe from tanning beds in the 80s, gall stones due to my high fat diet (followed by cholecystectomy), and developed asthma and chronic bronchitis in college from smoking. My body does not like to be mistreated. It has already told me that many times. Whatever I do I over-do and when I over-do I lose an organ. That's just the truth about my genetic make-up. I'm not made of hearty stock like the people who smoke and drink everyday until the day they die at the age of 95. I was 1 stage shy of cervical cancer in my 20s and had surgery. I've had lumps in my breasts that concerned doctors. I've already had more scares than it would take most people to shape up. But, somehow my belief that I'm the exception or that I have time to change later persists.

How do I instill in myself the fear that seems to be required for me to take permanent action? Sksamboots suggested recently to submerse myself in videos and literature on this WOE. I didn't really want to because a) I wanted to watch other crap on TV after work and b) I thought it might make me feel bad about about eating off plan and I wanted to eat off plan. The more I think about it maybe the reason submersion works is because it produces a heightened awareness of how much damage I'm doing to my body with every bite of SAD/VAD I eat. Maybe that is what I need to take these risky behaviors seriously. In AA people say the newcomer is the most important person in the room because it reminds everyone else what it was like and it renews our commitment to never go back there again. When I shy away from the videos, or journals, or books on this WOE I allow myself to forget what I know about how bad for me my diet really is. When I continue to educate myself I repeatedly remind myself of the reality of the way I am now. Someday, I will look at this post and think, "Oh man, I hope I never go back there. Thank god I finally made the commitment."

I will commit to this WOE today. I can do this one day at a time.

Breastfast: oatmeal and blueberries
Lunch: taco salad
Dinner: sweet corn, tomatoes and cucumbers
Snack: fruit
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HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby CarolynA » Wed Jun 06, 2012 10:04 am

kkrichar wrote: I truly believe the same will be true if I stick to McD 100%. I think amazing things will happen that I'm not even thinking about now. I want to know what those things will be. I want to experience them. However, when a craving hits something switches off in my head. I think I can start over tomorrow. I must believe I have a lot more time but that may not be true. I have no way of knowing how much damage I've already done. I don't know if cancer is already growing in my body. This should scare the *bleep* out of me! This should be reason enough not to risk taking away another precious day of my life.


This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I have been going through! I tell myself over and over that I am going to make a new start, and that this time will be different, and then I do the same things again - submit to the cravings, or let my hunger decide when/where/what I am going to eat. I just can't seem to bring myself out if it right now! I am glad to know that there is someone else out there who is experiencing the same things, because I have felt really alone the past few weeks.
I am worth it!
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby VegSexy » Wed Jun 06, 2012 10:05 am

I always see small reflections of myself in your journal. I used to smoke, but I quick cold turkey over 20 years ago. I do have a tendency to “binge” drink – but my quantities are limited to only three beers. Anymore than that I get sick.

Oh, and then there is eating. Woof.

I think our issue is that we need to have food in out lives every day. We don’t need to smoke and drink everyday in order to survive, but we do need to eat, breathe and sleep. And I think the challenge is trying to manage and focus something that we all know can get out of hand very easily.

So, how do we handle each bite food and not let our inner demons take hold? Good question for I’m still trying to figure that out!! I’ll be honest, I over eat. I’ll impulse chow down a slice of pizza. Heck, I’ll even have a cup of coffee with cream in it.

I had a long talk with a therapist and we were talking about “surrendering”....How we surrender our own best interests for people and other activities...How important it is to keep ourselves first and not squander ourselves. He suggested I make it very clear what my intentions are to others and comply to my wishes. It’s hard, I’m doing it now. People don’t like it, but I don’t like it when I end up eating and drinking too much, miss my yoga class, feel like crap and then my clothes don’t fit. I guess focus on each meal one day at a time??? Maybe easier said then done – but then again Rome was built in a day.

I guess I'll leave with one thought that I find to be very comforting is that the body is incredible resilient and given the correct environment it can repair and heal itself to almost back to new :)

Best of luck…Sue
~VegSexy

A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Sun Jun 10, 2012 11:56 am

Thanks vegsexy and Carolyn. It's nice to know other people think and struggle like I do.

Today I have been thinking about perfection. I think how people define it here differs and often I don't think we understand each other because we don't realized we're using different definitions. Or maybe our scope is different. One person may see 100% adherence as the ultimate goal to work toward and another may see 100% adherence as a starting point toward another goal.

For example, in AA people will say, "just don't drink today." If that's the only thing you accomplish you've still had a good day. That's because drinking alcohol prohibits us from achieving a satisfying life. Nothing else is possible until we quit drinking. So 100% abstinence from alcohol is the baseline expectation for the day. Because I see my food issues as stemming from the same underlying cause as my drinking I am approaching the issues the same way. Maybe that's not the best way to approach it but I've tried everything else I can think of so it's all I've got. Also, I know this approach worked for my drinking.

For me, taking one bite of off-plan food (or what I call a trigger food) is all it takes to rip me right out of reality and down the rabbit hole. The reason I'm drawn so strongly to the McDougall plan and refuse to stop trying is because the foods we're not allowed to eat on this plan are my trigger foods. There are a few McDougall legal things that I also can't have but for the most part if I stick closely to MWL it perfectly fits what I can eat without creating an addictive response. For me, avoiding trigger foods should be my baseline expectation for the day (along with not drinking alcohol). It's not the ultimate goal. Rather it is the thing I need to do in order to achieve my life goals. There is no such thing as easing my way into this plan. One bite and I have refueled the problem and am back at square one. The noise in my head comes back. The pain of fighting against my urges comes back. The minute by minute struggle is back and it can take anywhere from days to weeks to months to regain the willingness to abstain again. Meanwhile, my relationships suffer, my work suffers, my finances suffer and I suffer physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I'm not "perfect" in AA. I don't always to get to as many meetings as I think I need for spiritual health. I don't get up each morning and pray or meditate. I don't take personal inventory each night and promptly make right anything I did wrong. I don't do a lot of the things that have been recommended to me by people with a lot more sobriety and serenity than me. But, I haven't picked up a drink in 7 years and 9 months. So, while I have been 100% abstinent from alcohol I have not been perfect.

That is the perspective I'm coming into this program with. I don't expect to be perfect but I should at least avoid my trigger foods. If I hope to experience my life in a meaningful and non-destructive way; if I hope to feel a sense of peace; if I hope to have honest, lasting and healthy relationships I need to stop escaping my life and buffering my experiences with addictive substances. I need to believe that all these things are possible if I don't take that first bite. Maybe it won't happen today. Maybe the only thing I will accomplish today will be abstaining from trigger foods but I'm giving myself a chance.

Anyway, that's what I was thinking about today.
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HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby Anna Green » Tue Jun 12, 2012 3:41 pm

I have some fear too that is keeping me from going off the deep end. I know if I go to Church's fried chicken today after work that I'll just keep doing it. It goes against my values, my concern for those tortured chickens, and my desire to be healthy. So I just can't. Instead, I'll just enjoy what I have and what I have is pretty dang good!
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby audretoburrito » Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:38 pm

I just caught up on your journal and it's very insightful. I'm trying to ubstane from my trigger foods too but man it's hard. My dad who was an alcoholic put it like this... " your addiction is like a tiger. When you feed it it grows and gets meaner and nastier. When you stop feeding it it gets mad and growls and claws and bites. If you continue to not feed it it eventually goes to sleep. But the moment you feed it it's awake and as big and nasty as it was before it went to sleep." Now I just have to get through the angry tiger/withdrawl faze... So in a very long an rambling kinda way I'm trying to say I'm rooting for you.

Audrey
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Fri Jun 15, 2012 1:06 pm

Oh em gee, this is going to be my best post EVER! So, many of you know that I absolutely cannot string together 30 days of MWL compliance (or even regular plan for that matter). I'm either on-plan or I'm on a massive bender that doesn't even resemble things humans should consume. I am an addictive-type person. I'm an alcoholic and I couldn't stop smoking after trying it the first time. Thank you baby Jesus for not introducing me to drugs until I was old enough to know better or that would have been a problem too. I don't like reality. I don't like emotional pain. I don't like anxiety, fear, confrontation, tension, or anything else that doesn't feel fantastic all the time. I will use anything if I think it will make me feel better. That includes, but not limited to, eating fatty, salty, sugary foods, shopping, watching HOURS of TV, reading fiction, plus a few I've already tackled like cigarettes and alcohol. Had a teensy nubbin of a potential for a gambling problem and fortunately lack of funds scared me away from that before it could get started.

Anyhoo, I know from past experience that much of early recovery consists of white-knuckling it. Just get through enough days to take the edge off. Later it becomes harder in some ways when you don't have appropriate coping mechanisms, meet resistance from loved ones, get hungry without proper food prepared yadda yadda but so far my problem is making it through the early days. One step at a time, right?

So, I've been trying everything I can think of to give myself the courage and strength to fight the early cravings. I've written down things to think about, consequences of falling off plan in terms of health and finances, relationships and emotional well-being, fitness goals, weight goals, reunions and foot races. I've tried surrounding myself with only on-plan food, avoiding restaurants, talking to a friend, having an accountability buddy, attending OA meetings, getting an OA sponsor, reading recovery literature ad infinitum. Nothing ever works.

Now, I don't know if this will work either but I thought it was too "funny" not to share. Recently, my running has been sidelined by Achilles pain. On 3 separate occasions, by 3 different sources, I have been told that my injury is part of the natural aging process. I'm over 40 and I should consider alternative forms of exercise. Tendons get a lot of use, are difficult to rest entirely, and have little blood flow to aid healing. This does make them a good candidate for age related problems. However, there are lots of things that people attribute to aging that are exacerbated by our diets. I wondered if this could be one of those things. I did a quick search on nutrients that could speed tendon repair. I found several sites recommending specific vitamins and enzymes found in fruits and vegetables. This made me wonder if there were particular foods that inhibit healing or cause inflammation in the tendons. I found a website that listed "Top 10 Inflammatory Foods to Avoid Like the Plague." These are:

1. Sugar
2. Oil
3. Trans fats
4. Dairy products
5. Feed lot raised meat
6. Red meat & processed meat
7. Alcohol
8. Refined grains
9. Artificial food additives
10. Any person specific food allergies/sensitivities/intolerances

While I was doing these searches I came across another website devoted to keratosis pilaris. A condition I have which creates red bumps on the upper arms, legs, and other parts of the body. I've always had it on my arms and I rarely wear shirts that expose them. I also have very fat, jiggly upper arms so even more reason to hide them. Anyhoo, the same enzymes that aids tendon healing also has been shown to cure or diminish signs of keratosis pilaris, which I was told by multiple doctors I could do nothing about. Some doctors will prescribe a topical cream and suggest you scrub the crap out of your arms with a loufa but that's all you can do. Once again, no discussion of treating the condition from the inside out.

I thought it was funny that no matter what I'm trying to resolve, my weight, my finances, my running injuries, my depression, my skin condition, it all comes back to McDougall. This WOE is ALWAYS the solution. I hope this knowledge will help me to surrender completely. There is absolutely nothing in my life that can't be made worse with SAD. There doesn't appear to be anything that can't be helped by the McDougall plan.

I am in so much pain right now from the Achilles problem that, perhaps now, I can see an immediate benefit from adhering to the plan. Eating a sugary, fatty treat right now WILL make the achilles more inflamed increasing the pain and recovery time. That's something I can sink my teeth into. That's something immediate that I can use to get me through the cravings. I hope.

Eating salad and Caribbean red beans and rice. Loving it.
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HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby audretoburrito » Fri Jun 15, 2012 1:51 pm

You can do this! Now if I could only convince the fiance this WOE would help his sprained hip... Anyways I'm right there with you white nuckleing it through the first bit. I heard craveings hit bad on the 3rd day and around the 10th. Well they wer right. Yesterday was my 12th day and OMG I wanted to go off plan sooo bad. Lucky for me though it seem yesterday the fates wer conspireing to keep me away from the store so I didn't get a chance to indulge. Luckily it's much better today now lets hope it stays that waythrough the store trip tonight=D So I'm rooting for ya!

Audrey
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:40 pm

Thanks Audrey. I feel different. Different in the head I mean. There's something about the process I went through to accept I couldn't run. It's like something snapped. It was a relief, actually. I was so tired of being afraid I would rupture my Achilles. I was tired of not being able to walk in the morning and walking with pain throughout the day. I was tired of worrying I wouldn't be ready for a race if I took time off. Now, it's just all gone. Well, not entirely. There's one race at the end of July that is a tradition for me and a friend. I could walk it if I have to. But, all the rest of the races are cancelled for me. It's too much for me to have them looming. I push too hard and end up right back where I was.

Anyhoo, the physical therapy is really cathartic. It's great to just step back and start over by gradually building a strong foundation and just following the suggestions. No more debate in my head about how far I should run or how fast or how hilly. I just do what the PT tells me to do. Period.

I feel like my struggle with food sort of snapped too. Like, it felt so good to just let go of the fight with running I want to let go of all my fights. I just want someone else to tell me what to do and I'll do it. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I'm in pain. I'm tired of fighting. I'm fighting to keep pain and sadness and fear in my life and that's just ridiculous. I'm done. It feels good.

Of course, now I want to sell my house because the financial strain is getting to me. I actually have a realtor coming over tomorrow. It just feels so good to let go of fear based choices. I don't know what will happen with my house but I'm no longer afraid of losing it. If the smart financial decision for me is to down-size I'll do it. If it means holding on one more year and really cramping down on the budget, I'll do that. What a great time to live on beans and rice, right?

I just don't want to wake up in the morning afraid of losing everything and spending every day feeling like I'm fending off attacks on all the things I'm afraid to lose. I read a book called, "The Way to Love" by Anthony DeMello. I can't remember the exact quote but he said something about never experiencing peace or true happiness until we are no longer afraid of losing things. We have to be OK with losing every single thing in our life, including loved ones. At first I thought it was a little extreme cuz who is ever going to be OK with losing a child or having an unfaithful spouse but I think it's more about living with the fear of it every day. It's not that you're OK with losing a loved one as much as you recognize it's possible, you can't do anything about it, so why let it impact you each day. Just live like you're blessed to have today.

The things I've clung to (cigarettes, alcohol, sweets, running while injured) are all bad for me. They are absolutely the last things I should be clinging to like life will end if someone takes them from me. I need to have faith, accept that life will be better without these things and reap the rewards of the faithful!!!!!!!

Ahhhh, happy, joyous and free!!!
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HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby Anna Green » Tue Jun 19, 2012 3:46 pm

kk, love your last post. I'm letting go of the struggle too. It's good good to be here. I think much of my behavior is about dealing with fear and I don't want to be afraid all the time. The city could flood again. I could become homeless. Loved ones will die. I could lose my job or depending on what day it is I could keep my job (ugh). It goes on and on. The reality is that I'm privileged and lucky and most of the time my fears never happen. So I think today I will just enjoy and deal with whatever shit hits the fan when it happens. Thanks for helping me take the time to think about this today.
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby CarolynA » Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:07 pm

Wow. Your post from yesterday is so inspirational! Thank you for being willing to share so much of yourself through your journal. It really helps to know that there is someone else out there who is going through the same mental/emotional struggle that I have been going through!
I am worth it!
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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kirstykay » Wed Jun 20, 2012 1:00 pm

Kelly,
Just popping in to say I really enjoyed catching up on your journal today! Can I just say, "WOW!!!" Some amazing stuff going on here. You continue to inspire and encourage me each time you share bits of yourself here. You are on the "healing path" for sure! It's only a matter of time now. :nod: Love ya, Sista!
"Remember, It's the food." ~Dr. McDougall

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Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Tue Jul 31, 2012 2:48 pm

Wow, it's been awhile. The last time I posted was June 19th and I had a realtor stopping by on the 20th to give me some info on the viability of selling my house. Well, I sold my house. I put it on the market on July 6th and it sold in 6 days! Four days after that I had an offer accepted on a new place. I close on both sales Aug. 24th. I'm exhausted. I've been off the boards and disconnected from my McD peeps and am excited to come back and catch up on everything I've missed.

I'm so excited about moving. I'm moving into a townhouse with barely a yard to speak of. It was built in this century! The doors and cabinets actually close. If I could move in today I would! I feel such a weight off my shoulders. Or rather, I feel like a weight is about to be lifted. I'm still fixing things I agreed to fix in sale and I still hate all the same things about my house. I just need to focus on me and my health and fitness. I can't make time go faster and I shouldn't want to.

One thing I have been reluctant to do in the past but am considering is posting my food. I know the main reason has been that I don't want anyone telling me I can't have certain things. However, by holding back I give myself permission to eat things that McDougallers would criticize. That suggests I have not been fully willing to try the plan. I still might change my mind if the anxiety gets to me but for now I'll try it.

So far today I've had:
oatmeal and blueberries
Caribbean red beans and rice
watermelon
water with Chia seeds.
cherries
potato with salsa

I'm not going to limit fruit right now.

I'm still recovering from my Achilles injury. I didn't run for 4 weeks and now I'm easing back into it. I've been in physical therapy and continue to do PT exercises every day. I probably won't run any race over 3.1 miles for the remainder of the year.

Well, that's it for today.

Time to check in with all the journals.
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HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
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