FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Share your daily McDougall menus and/or keep a journal describing your personal progress.

Moderators: JeffN, f1jim, carolve, Heather McDougall

FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:15 pm

There's a prayer in the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonomous that really resonates with me. Here's the part I repeat over and over to myself when I need strength and courage, "Relieve me of the bondage of self. ..... Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help... of [the] power... of [this] way of life." I've changed and/or left a few words out to make it more applicable to this particular struggle, my struggle with food.

Long before I picked up my first drink or smoked my first cigarette I was battling an obsession with food. My mother tried very hard to feed my brother and me a healthy diet. She read about granola and tofu and carob and she rarely made regular cookies or treats for us. If we came home and a plate full of chocolate chip cookies or an apple pie was on the table we knew it was for a church function or one of the clubs my mom attended. We would have fruit or granola bars or carob chip cookies with whole wheat flour. I liked the first two (NB: carob chips do NOT taste just like chocolate). One day I went to a friend's house after school and her mother had just bought a package of Oreos (aka My Arch Nemesis). I ate nearly the entire package. I just couldn't stop. After that I would eat sweet or fatty snacks any time I could get my hands on them. I also felt a lot of shame around it. I remember buying a book of Little Debbie Snack Cakes at a convenience store in town and when I was paying for it I was sure the clerk knew I intended to eat the entire package myself. So, I said, "I sure hope the gang likes these!" :oops: Did I think I was in an episode of the Little Raskals? Jeez.

Fast forward 30 years.....I'm still battling the Oreo only now it's the Double Stuf Oreo. I'm also a recovering alcoholic (sober 7 years and 4 months) and an ex-smoker (smoke free 9 years). I feel really fortunate to have learned how to address these other issues the way I did. Without it I don't think I would have found Dr. McDougall and this website. There's much agreement about the treatment of smoking and drinking problems. Most experts will tell you to abstain from them completely. Eventually the physical craving with subside and [with the help of some decent coping mechanisms, a strong social support system and considerable effort and willingness to change] the mental obsession will go away too. This is not, however, the standard approach to food obsession.

First, I think food obsessions are confusing because of the term. It's too general. When people hear things like food obsession or food addiction they think, "well, we have to eat!" Therefore, abstinence is not an option. Perhaps it would be clearer if we named exactly what it is we crave: sugar, fat and salt. Specifically, there are foods (like the dreaded Double Stuf Oreo) that most of us already know we can't control. It's pretty easy to make of list of these items and eliminate them entirely. Fortunately, the foods I struggle with the most have no redeeming nutritional value and my health is harmed in no way by eliminating them.

Second, the diet, medical, pharmaceutical, and junk food industries benefit from keeping us obsessed with unhealthy food. It's a cash cow bigger than alcohol and tobacco and heroin and cocaine combined! It effects 2/3rds of the US population. Nothing spells long term investment like keeping a junkie hooked. I'm tired of being some fat cat's tool. I'm embarassed I let it continue this long.

Third, there's so much confusion and misinformation over what is healthy. I cannot stand getting into arguments with nurses and nutritionists over healthy oils, lean meats and low-fat dairy! I can't even go on. It's not relevant here anyway.

My point is that once I felt the change inside myself (both in my physical cravings and mental obsessions) when I finally quit drinking and smoking I was able to recognize the same mechanism in my struggle with food. I recently spoke with a friend who said she couldn't cut out Mt. Dew because if she tried she would just end up over-doing it after a couple days. She said moderation was the only way to deal with it. Actually, the conversation was more like a couple months ago. I responded by telling her that the cravings go away if you give it enough time. She pretty much ignored me. I was also in the middle of my latest off the McD wagon bender and had very little credibility. Twelve days ago I got back on and I am following the program as it is written. My cravings are already better. I have more energy. My mood is improved and I've lost over 6 pounds. My friend texted me the other day and said she's going to cut out Mt. Dew completely. Here's hoping we both accomplish our goals.

There are a number of other (usually emotional) reasons I over-eat and/or seek out non-McD food. I know how the food will make me feel in that moment. It feels like a drug that will make whatever uncomfortable situation I'm enduring seem easier. I want to walk through life taking the easier, softer way. For this I need to learn better coping skills and how to face my fears responsibly. I have a 12-step program and a wonderful sponsor for that. So combine the best food for my body and the best support for my mind and I may rid myself of this nemesis for good.

I was reading Kirstykay's journal yesterday and saw her very amibitious goal of weighing 135 pounds by June 5th. I have a 20K race (12.4 miles) on June 2nd and would love to weigh 135. Now, I usually don't like to set weight goals because I can only control my behavior not my body but I'm going to try. It's not really important that I weigh 135 on race day but that I follow the plan AS IT IS SUGGESTED.

I believe if I follow the McDougall program, without exception, I will be relieved of my obsession with food. This would be the greatest gift. The improved health, the better fitness, and the trim body would be wonderful added bonuses. I am so tired of fighting this battle in my head. I'm tired of the shame I feel surrounding my behavior and I'm tired of the physical and emotional pain I suffer daily when I eat SAD. I read recently that 28 days is about the amount of time it takes to form new habits. My initial goal is to go 28 days on McDougall 100% compliant. Hopefully, after that, it will get easier. Hopefully, the well-worn path to the Double Stuf Oreo will fade until I no longer seek it.

Day 12. So far so good!
Image

HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
User avatar
kkrichar
 
Posts: 1223
Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:05 am
Location: Iowa City

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kirstykay » Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:40 pm

Image
Go Kelly, Go Kelly!!!

I'm so happy that you have a journal again. Your wisdom and insight is so amazingly helpful. You put into words things that I feel and think but can't always articulate. I'm so excited for us. This next 20 weeks will be triumphant!

BTW: LOVE the title of your journal!!
"Remember, It's the food." ~Dr. McDougall

Image
kirstykay
 
Posts: 2233
Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:20 pm
Location: South Carolina

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby toadfood » Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:48 pm

You go! I really appreciate your very honest sharing. I have found the Big Book helpful in my struggles with food, too.
Image

Image

I have to stay with my turtle energy. Slow and steady wins the race. -- Letha
User avatar
toadfood
 
Posts: 1671
Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2007 11:13 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby RAS » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:57 pm

Yea!Kelly,Right on with the food addictions.Thanks for sharing. RAS
RAS
 
Posts: 984
Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:58 am
Location: North Carolina

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby Vola » Wed Jan 18, 2012 3:30 pm

What a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing - I look forward to reading more!
Image
User avatar
Vola
 
Posts: 111
Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:48 am
Location: Oregon

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby LoriJenny » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:29 pm

Kelly, I really appreciated what you wrote also, thanks for sharing this!
Image
User avatar
LoriJenny
 
Posts: 547
Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 9:24 pm

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby lifeisgreat » Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:22 pm

I loved the statement "i can only control my behavior not my body".
Thank you.
lifeisgreat
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:46 pm

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:23 am

Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement. Today is day 14 of my 28 day 100% compliance. I feel wonderful. My mood, my concentration, my energy, my cravings, everything is better. One thing I always forget when I set long term goals for myself is that I will begin to feel better as time passes. I won't feel exactly like I did on day 1 every day until day 28 and then miraculously I will feel better. The early days are consistently hard but then I have days that are super easy and then a hard day will pop up without warning and so on. Likewise, I will continue to have hard days after day 28 but at least I will have built a new habit to gaurd against my usual response.

I went to my favorite Thai restaurant yesterday with some friends. I called the restaurant in advance to see if I could get steamed vegetables and brown rice with no oil. They said I could. When I got to the restaurant I didn't need to look at the menu. I told the waitress I was the person she spoke with on the phone and it was all set. No room for debate in my head. I didn't listen to what my friends were ordering. When our food arrived I was already engrosed in conversation and I don't remember what anyone ordered. I ate my food with some soy sauce and enjoyed it.

I realized two things about my relationship with food. The first I mentioned above. I will begin to feel better as time passes. I don't have to wait 28 days to feel a modicum of relief. I'm already experiencing it. The second is that my choice of friends makes a big difference in how I feel about a get-together and throughout the interaction. I was thinking about how special the friends in my life are today and how that has changed from the past.

I grew up in a very small town and we did not have a lot of friendship groups like the drama club, the stoners, the athletes, the band geeks the science nerds and so on. You were either in or you were out. If you were out life was hard. I didn't want to be out. So my sole criteria for friendship was "not out." I couldn't stand 2/3rds of the girls in the "in" group but it didn't matter. I had to suck it up or be "out." Toward the end of high school I preferred being alone over spending time with people I couldn't stand and that pretty much started my long standing pattern of isolation.

While an undergraduate I had 2 long term romantic relationships that spanned my entire stay in college. My friends were my boyfriend and his friends. Like high school I didn't really choose my friends. I didn't think about what I wanted in a friendship or what I brought to the friendship. By the time I left for graduate school I had ended my second relationship, had gained a significant amount of weight, and my alcoholism was well on its way to being fully out of control. In my time as a master's degree student I met people who lived in graduate housing. They were nice but I stayed closest to the drinkers. No other friendship selection criteria was present. Same with my PhD program. I only knew people from my department and I only spent time with the heavy drinkers (when I wasn't spending time alone at home).

By the time I found my way to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous I was 35 years old and had never really had a friendship I enjoyed. I had no idea what it meant to be a friend, what I should expect from a friend or what I was even willing to give to a friend. I continue to struggle with this but I know now what a friend looks like and how it feels to cherish a friendship.

In the first 2 years of sobriety my existing friendships were heavily tested. Most did not survive. Some acquaintences became friends. Some former nemeses became friends. Some new and wonderful friends came into my life.

When I became vegan some people responded more harshly than when I quit drinking. After going through what I did in early sobriety I had not anticipated the backlash I received when I stopped eating meat and dairy. Meat wasn't too bad because there are a lot of vegetarians in a college town and most people are used to them but vegan was like burning the American flag or spitting on the Pope. It was a slap in the face to many of my close friends.

By year 3 of sobriety I was beginning to socialize with some women from AA and had learned about Dr. McDougall and this website. A lot of alcoholics have cross-addictions or know people in other 12-step programs like OA (Overeaters Anonymous). So, when I told them about my issues with food and that Dr. McDougall's plan seemed perfect for me they didn't think a thing about it. There is something beautiful about being in a group of misfits who have struggled with the same issues you have and who love you unconditionally that is indescribable. They support any and all efforts I make to live a more spiritual life and to free myself from obsessions and behaviors that harm myself. If I need to eat only vegetables and no oil then so be it. They'll ask where can we go to find something I can have or what can they bring that I can have. Amazing, amazing women.

Anyhoo, I realized yesterday that two things were at play that made it easier for me to be comfortable going to the restaurant and ordering something special. The first was that I knew no one would question me or argue with me about my choices. I knew, in advance, there would be no added stress involved. Second, I was spending time with hand picked friends based on my values and my interests. These are wonderful women that I am grateful to have in my life and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with them. So, I don't feel compelled to eat my way through the interaction until its over. I don't have to numb myself with food to get through it.

I have family who are not supportive of my decision to follow the McDougall program and, not surprisingly, also have widely disparate values and attitudes from mine. I don't particularly enjoy their company but can't bring myself to tell them I don't want to see them. I am always in a state of panic and anxiety when I have to socialize with them. For starters it's almost always far from home and in small rural areas where my kind of food is not available. That sounds funny doesn't it? Rural agricultural communities with no vegetables? Well, they have vegetables. They just feed them to the animals. Second, it's always an argument. The tension is so thick I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's not just about the food. I worry I'll say something that will set someone off or someone will say something that upsets me and a massive argument will ensue. I was kicked out of an aunt's home one time for saying something she disagreed with. Awkward.

Anyway, my point is that I have a deeper understanding of what makes some situations barely tenable and others a breeze. I am exceptionally conflict averse and that is something I need to work on. Information and preparation are key for me to form new behaviors surrounding food. I need to remain compliant until it's second nature and that can be hard when my own anxiety and fears scream out for comfort through poor food choices.

I heard someone say in AA, "When a newcomer asks how long they have to come to meetings you tell them to keep coming until they want to come." I thought of that a couple weeks ago when I told a friend I was going to go 28 days of 100% compliance on the McDougall Program. She asked, "What happens at the end of the 28 days?" I said, "After that I'll want to follow the McDougall Program 100%."
Image

HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
User avatar
kkrichar
 
Posts: 1223
Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:05 am
Location: Iowa City

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby heavenstomurgie » Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:44 am

Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know how much I am enjoying your blog and admire your strength. I appreciate reading your insights into addiction and recovery. Looking forward to following your progress!

Best to you!
~Mur
Image
User avatar
heavenstomurgie
 
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:36 pm

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kirstykay » Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:43 pm

Very insightful post, Kelly. The daughter of a dear friend of mine has been battling severe and crippling depression ever since being in a very similar situation to yours growing up. She was on the "out" of her peer group in a very small rural town, just like you described. My heart breaks for this beautiful, smart, talented, funny, creative, endearing young woman who has been so severely scarred in her formative years. I have hope for her, as you have done so remarkably well turning your life around and are such a strong, beautiful example of how to effectivley change your entire life.

Thanks for your candor and beautiful sharing. You have no idea how many people will be encouraged and helped by your openness!

Oh yeah, and congrats on the 14 days! and the awesome weight loss so far! You're my hero. :nod:
"Remember, It's the food." ~Dr. McDougall

Image
kirstykay
 
Posts: 2233
Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:20 pm
Location: South Carolina

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby toadfood » Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:28 pm

Thank you for your very thoughtful post, Kelly. Small communities seem to me like they can be heaven if you fit in, or hell if you don't. I'm in OA, and people there are very accustomed to the idea of bringing your own food to an event, or making special requests.

On the topic of being able to control your behavior but not your body (I love that way of putting it), I'll paraphrase something I read in an OA book the other day: "If I'm on plan, I am at my goal weight today. I am exactly the weight my higher power wants me to be today." I thought that was wonderful -- focusing on the process and what's happening day to day, not outcomes over which we have no control.
Image

Image

I have to stay with my turtle energy. Slow and steady wins the race. -- Letha
User avatar
toadfood
 
Posts: 1671
Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2007 11:13 am
Location: Baltimore, MD

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby Anna Green » Sat Jan 21, 2012 10:36 pm

kk, dang girl. You got it goin on! Love these long wise posts. They are often mirrors for me. I think you really up the level of sharing here and encourage the rest of us to get more real, to open our eyes and live with a little self awareness. Thanks! And congrats on the weight loss. I'm with you on the June goal. I'm tired kk. I want health. I hear it in your posts that you do too and are going after it full force.
User avatar
Anna Green
 
Posts: 2292
Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 1:29 pm
Location: southern girl

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby afreespirit » Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:37 pm

Another beautiful post from kkrichar.
afreespirit
 
Posts: 1383
Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2010 11:13 pm

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kirstykay » Sun Jan 22, 2012 5:55 pm

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the picture! Absolutely Beautiful!!! :nod:
"Remember, It's the food." ~Dr. McDougall

Image
kirstykay
 
Posts: 2233
Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:20 pm
Location: South Carolina

Re: FREEDOM FROM THE BONDAGE OF SELF

Postby kkrichar » Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:44 pm

Hmmm, I seem to be missing a post. If anyone has a bizarre post from me that sounds like it should have been in my own journal, sorry. Maybe I just forgot to hit submit.

Anywho, things are going great. I'm on day 17 of compliance. I have been spending a lot of money on food. Too much really. I told myself I could buy whatever I wanted the first 28 days as long as it was McDougall friendly. The main focus is compliance. However, as I feel more confident and find the willingness to let some things go I will. This weekend I eliminated the La Croix. You might say, "La Croix" is not food. Agreed but it was on my grocery bill and now it's not so forward progress has been made.

I wanted to post something from OA literature that I think applies to all of us who are suffering the early stages of SAD withdrawal and feel tempted to have just a little bit of something to take the edge off. I know I posted it somewhere so sorry for those who have already seen it. I want to keep it handy in my own journal.

"True comfort is to be found in the balance and sanity of abstinence. So deep and pure is this comfort that it is well worth whatever trouble or pain I might have to pass through to attain it." (For Today, p.253)

That's all I've got today. Not much going on in the old noggin outside of my work. Maybe that's a good sign. I'm not obsessing about food.
Image

HW: 220 lbs BMI=36.3
CW: 162 lbs BMI=26.5
GW: 135 lbs BMI=22.3
User avatar
kkrichar
 
Posts: 1223
Joined: Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:05 am
Location: Iowa City

Next

Return to My Daily Menus & Journals

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests



Welcome!

Sign up to receive our regular articles, recipes, and news about upcoming events.