This journal was all about "getting real." That has certainly happened within me... I don't post it all on the board, for fear I would be venting my life away.
I tend to try and remain positive in any situation, but these past few days have certainly been anything but positive for me.
I have come to realize so many things about myself and the people around me. It is difficult to admit... even more difficult to live though.
Food is obviously comfort to me, but I am realizing how much more it is than that... it is a connection between all those that are in my life. It connects right back to me. I have lived 44 years as an obese person. (okay... maybe I wasn't obese in childhood, but I am pretty sure I was on the high end of the scale) In those years, I have defined my life by the people I associate with... making sure they are people that "accept" me as I am. In doing that, I find that I have many obese friends. Actually, mostly obese friends. I fit right in. We all accept each other, empower each other to eat unhealthy and have fun making food a priority together. This is even true in my marriage. Our dating life was about food... going out to eat constantly, our favorite restaurant once a week, celebrations... our dating life was never about exercising together or hobbies or anything like that. Food connected us because my husband was in culinary school at the time studying to be a chef.
So... now I am trying to go against the grain of what everyone in my life expects of me. I have been a yo-yo dieter for years so they all think it is just a phase and they sometimes humor me when I talk of change, but mostly they just try to talk me out of it. I am seeing so many patterns, but what sticks out to me this time is that I have never noticed people trying to sabotage me before. I guess it was because I wanted to go back, so I took their gestures as a 'rescue' of sorts. I never wanted to eat healthy or diet or change my lifestyle. Until now. They are looking for ways to 'rescue' me... I am fighting against the grain. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to give up. I want to say "screw it, so what if I die a few years early" and just make life happy again for me and those around me. That sounds horrible, but it is partially how I am feeling. Then there is this strength in me that is fighting to take over... to win... to succeed... to find thin... to be healthy... to get away from all of the negative addictions to food.
This reminds me of a Cherokee Parable that really sums it up. I had only thought of it as an emotional struggle, never literally!
An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.
"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"
The old chief simply replied,
"The one you feed."