Psoriatic Arthritis Journal - 2.5 year Update Page 63

Share your daily McDougall menus and/or keep a journal describing your personal progress.

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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby nicoles » Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:59 pm

Hey Blue! Glad hearing about the meditation was calming :)

Come on over for dinner! I always make enough for more than me, and I always have leftovers ...

Funny you asked about the bean sauce - the checkout guy asked me what I was doing with the ingredients I was buying today - for the bean sauce - and he liked the idea so much he wrote down the recipe! I didn't figure out til I got home that he forgot to charge me for 2 items :lol: :lol: :lol:

The ratio goes like this:

1.5 cup cooked white beans
1/4 cup raw cashews, roughly chopped
1/4 cup lightly toasted unhulled sesame seeds, ground in coffee grinder
1 large sweet onion, caramelized
3-6 cloves garlic, caramelized with the onion.

Mix all of them together, then blend in high-power blender with some water, or non-dairy milk of your choice. Or, don;t blend, it is still good that way. Very hearty.

That amount is about 4-6 servings of the sauce, so even though it is a bunch of seeds and nuts, it goes a long way.

I usually make it in large batches, say 6 cups or more of beans and everything else adjusted up accordingly, and freeze up 1/2 for later.

Fun additions, not necessarily together:

soy sauce or coconut aminoes (haven't tried those yet, saw you were testing them out)

rubbed sage

fresh or dried rosemary

red pepper flakes
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby nicoles » Wed Aug 15, 2012 8:36 pm

Day 23

Breakfast

Collard/Kale/bok Choy/berry Smoothie
Kale and bean sauce

Lunch

Salad with peas and shredded apples and beets
blueberries for dessert

Dinner

Soup over shredded romaine
berry/avocado sorbet

Exercise

Walked about 5 miles total, no weight vest (more car repair drop off/pick up)

Meditation
20 minutes pm

Today, I had many frustrating stressers - DMV misshaps, car repair, new deadline and unrealistic deadline on important work project, and although I ate on plan . . .

I. Definitely. Overate.

Knowledge is power! I know very certainly that I overeat - and with full awareness of overeating - when stressed.

If anyone has any ideas about how to cope with stress-overeating, I'd love to hear about them.

I took out a few of Geneen Roth's books from the library, maybe as I get deeper into the stuff she writes about, I will gain some understanding of ways to deal.
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby nicoles » Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:27 pm

Day 24

Breakfast

Ate at 11:00 am.

*Veggie juice with kale and collard stems, a collard leaf, parsley, a small cucumber, 1/2 apple, small amount of cabbage, 1 broccoli stalk, stem only, and some romaine lettuce: about 8 oz.
* Veggie shake with kale, collards, parsley, bok choy, romaine lettuce, one slice white onion, cucumber, 1/2 pomegranate, POM juice, some blueberries and raspberries, and 2 tablespoons ground flax on top. Had about 16 oz.

This morning, after I finished the shake and the juice, I wanted more food. Could not tell if I was hungry or not, so I decided, with much resistance and difficulty, to stop eating, since being a little hungry until my next meal would likely be no more than unpleasant, if that.

I washed the dishes. Took my b-12. Brushed my teeth.

And yet, I am still having a bit of an internal tantrum about it, but my internal "good parent" is winning, for the moment.

Celebrate the small successes, yes?

Don't know what the rest of the day will hold, so I'll edit the page later.

Lunch/Dinner

Ate from 4:30-5:15pm

*Leftover veggie juice
*Leftover Breakfast smoothie
*Large Salad with romaine, kale, celery, cukes, red onion, peas and shredded apples and beet, with some ground sesame seeds on top.

*Dessert: Decided to up the healthiness/protein content of my raspberry/blueberry/avocado/POM sorbet, so I added some frozen broccoli florets and some romaine leaves to it while blending. Success! It tasted no different, but did have a nicer, darker, richer color that made it even more appealing. I am going to keep adding green veggies to all my sorbets.

Managed to eat until satisfied, but not painfully full. It was work, though!

Exercise
30 minutes walking at lunchtime, no weight vest.
30 minutes full body weight training in afternoon.
30 minute walk pm.
Stretching
Meditation
Meditated 20 minutes am. Realized a slight detachement from my anxiety about work during the session, like I could feel it but was less identified with it. Of course, now I am attached to that feeling! :lol: :lol: :lol:

20 minutes pm
Last edited by nicoles on Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby nicoles » Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:12 pm

Read a bit more of one of Geneen Roth's books last night.

Something that really resonated with me was her writing that feeling full pushes other emotions away. I don't know why it sang to me, I have heard that concept many, many times before. This time was different.

I think this time was the first time I really accepted that this was a truth, and that food - including healthy food! - can be as much of a drug as... well... drugs :lol: Or alcohol, cigarettes, sugar, gambling, compulsive sex... and the list goes on.

It seems even as I write this that the above comparison is even now, too extreme, like I am being a navel-gazing drama queen, because although I am struggling with not overeating, I feel like a faker compared to many other people, who I am well aware have much more difficult and valid struggles with the issue of overeating and eating compulsively.

And then I think, "Oh, I am just minimizing and denying, another trick of my mind to get me back where I was and away from moving to a new, level of health, awareness and emotional maturity."

So perhaps the answer is somewhere in between.


My thought for today, which I saw posted on facebook after I logged on in a moment of procrastination, and it seemed to speak just to me:

Today practice listening to guidance.
Pay attention to every nuance, metaphor and situation that arises in your midst.
There are no accidents.
Love is always speaking to you.
Be alive to the exquisite conversation.


I did not catch who wrote it though, I just copied and pasted it onto my notepad. I will update with an attribution if I can find it.

edit: Found it!~Tama J. Kieves
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby fulenn » Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:18 pm

I think your bean sauce looks really good! I haven't heard about what you read in Geneen Roth's book; that is really interesting.

Keep on going! You are doing so well!

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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby moonwatcher » Fri Aug 17, 2012 11:04 am

Wonderful insights all, nicole--both yours, Geneen Roth's and Tama J. Kieves. Noticing such connections helps increase their flow and our understanding of what they might mean to us in all their many facets. Seems to me you are doing just that. :) Keep it up. And yes, the bean sauce sounds good. I laughed to myself about the checker writing down your recipe. That's wonderful.

Off to birthday errands for my son.

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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby absgirl » Fri Aug 17, 2012 5:35 pm

sounds yummy i might have to try that....i always gotta fix regular food for my gang...i hate makin bacon or sausage........the smell makes me crazy
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby nicoles » Sat Aug 18, 2012 9:45 am

Absgirl, I can totally relate to the smell of things making you crazy, I had to grapple with today (well, really yesterday) and It was H.A.R.D.!!!!

The bean recipe is really good legal comfort food, and it is good not blended, too. Especially if you let it sit overnight so the cashews soften, then re-heat it. Good that way, all chunky and un-blended, over rice or potatoes. Want some right now.... :lol:

Hey Moonwatcher, thanks for the supportive and insightful words. Glad you got a kick out of the checkout story :-D

Fulenn, thanks for the support, and for stopping by - I know you are really busy right now! the book I am reading by Geneen Roth is called "Women, Food and God."

I think she wrote it awhile ago, in the 80s maybe, so some of it is dated, but lots of it is essentially timeless. Her nutritional advice is not in alignment with this WOE, but I am trying to read around that.

Day 24

Woke up early, way before the alarm clock. That hasn't happened for awhile. I guess it is going to be rainy today, because seagulls are fighting dramatically outside my window right now, and we are at least 6 miles in from the wild Pacific. Here comes a storm! Now I just want to see a Pelican... :lol:

Breakfast
Kale/collard/blueberry/parsley pomegranate/POM shake with flax seeds
Steamed curly kale with bean sauce
Lunch

Ate lunch from about 3;00-3:45 pm. I was pretty hungry, since I finished breakfast at 9:15 am and so I overate a little. Not terrible, but I definitely was motivated by anxiety about not eating enough food. I had:

Leftover shake
Big salad
Steamed brussels sprouts covered with cold butternut squash/veggie soup
SORBET! Made up a new yummy one - blueberries, cucumber and avocado, with POM juice. It was REALLY good - very refreshing. I love it when leftovers and what is around the house make up a great new food combo. Of course, I was already full when I ate this, so....it must be really tasty or I would not have liked it!

Work was very boring today - lots of repetitive computer stuff: capturing video stills, then saving all those PNG files as JPGs and then enhancing the images in Photoshop. I am treating it like a meditation: file by file, just like breath by breath. But I still use Ctrl A and F12 as much as I can!

Dinner

Was not planning to have any dinner, since I was not Hungry, but then I got into the old "It's Friday night, poor me, I can't go out and have a beer or some dessert, so I want - no, DESERVE - a legal treat." Tiniest violin playing in the background, of course.

So I got veggie sushi from WFs, and while we were there my husband picked up some pizza and beer for him (guess he was in the same mood, since he has been eating pretty much perfectly, too.) So then we were sitting around and talking and I was smelling the pizza and watching him have the beer and I compulsively ate: the sushi, an entire bag of frozen raspberries, an apple and some bean dip with raw cauliflower. All good, healthy foods, of course, but ...I WAS NOT HUNGRY and I either could not, or really did not want to stop eating.


Of course, I regret it today. My digestive system feels very uncomfortable, and I am tired because I could not get to sleep until late with all that food sitting like a rock in my gut. I feel a little stuffed up, something that happens to me when I eat too much food of any type, and sort of stiff, mostly in a normal way, only very slightly in an arthritis way, but still. Ick.

You know, I have mastered the staying on plan thing. Not really a problem to stay on plan. But sometimes I still feel deprived, even though I know better. And i recognize this feeling of not being able to stop myself from when I was drinking, so I guess the same emotional mechanism is going on here with food in place of alcohol, or cigarettes, which I also used to smoke.

I haven't really written down much about the physical health reasons that I want to get a handle on this, but clearly I have emotional stuff to deal with, too. So it is an opportunity, even if I am just furious at myself right now. Which is probably not fair of me, towards myself, and only feeding the feeding-frenzy mindset.

Ah well. Wherever you go, there you are.

Exercise

We walked about a mile total getting to the store and back to get the "treats," and then after I was stuffed and we were just sitting at the table talking, I made us go for a walk around the neighborhood, partially because I was really uncomfortable just sitting with all that food in my belly.

And partially because my husband was really racing through a six pack, and since he has lost weight and not drank in awhile he was getting pretty inebriated. I find it really boring to hang out with drunk people when I am not in that head space at all. So if we were going to still hang out, I wanted him to slow down.

All in all I realized a couple of things. One: I was initially jealous that my husband "got" to have pizza and beer. and Two: after that passed and I ate a bunch of food, I felt really lonely while he indulged and I didn't. Because it felt like, in a way, that he abandoned me or hanging out with me for real in that time period by checking out through the alcohol.

Because although he argued vociferously against the concept that he was drunk at all in the moment, this morning when I woke up and asked him how he was, he said, "Ugh, I am really feeling it, I was really drunk last night."

And because no matter what anyone says, people are not the same when they are drunk, and they are not "more real." I think they are less real, and myself included when I was drinking.

Meditation

Meditated 20 minutes in the am. One thing I notice, after a few weeks of pretty regular mediation, is that the 20 minutes flies, rather than drags like it did when I started. Maybe this is a good indication that I can start upping the time again. I was doing 30 minutes, but I think it was too much for me, and I sort of rebelled/resented it. So mow I am tryin to ease back into 30 minutes at a time or more.

Meditated 10 minutes in the night - my halfway compromise between not doing it at all - I was still feeling rebellious about taking care of myself - and knowing that this is a really important thing I am doing for myself, and I am only shorting myself if I skip it.

Thought for the day:

"Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free:stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the Ultimate." - Chuang Tzu
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby moonwatcher » Sat Aug 18, 2012 12:45 pm

Wow, thanks for sharing all this nicoles. Good insights, thought they come from being so uncomfortable. It is wonderful you are not drinking, even if it is lonely at times.

My favorite quotes:

Tiniest violin playing in the background, of course.


Ah, yes. . . .we've all heard that at one time or another, and it sounds so sweet. . .

And:

Ah well. Wherever you go, there you are.


OH YEAH. . . :-)

Sounds like you might do some kind of film editing? My son does that, and also makes films. The file transfer stuff sounded somewhat familiar as an answer to "what are you doing?"

I liked hearing about the seagulls and the storm coming and wanting to see a pelican. Brought me back to the coast. :-)

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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby lmggallagher » Mon Aug 20, 2012 8:42 pm

Nicole - hi ya catching up on your journal. You've probably explained it before but you aren't doing any McDougall starches like rice or potatoes. Those are definitely the things that keep me from over eating. I did less starch on Essestyn's version and really struggled with feeling full. This Irish girl needs her starches! Anyway, you probably have explained why those aren't in your plan - but it's what seems to work for the most of us here?

Your doing great on the meditation - I am a marathoner now doing an hour a day. I got used to that when my pain was really high and I really couldn't do much. Now I am used to it and can't give it up. but now that I have less pain and more energy - it kind of seems like a bit too much down time - but it's good brain exercise for sure - so I won't begrudge my brain :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby absgirl » Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:10 am

as someone said to me: we are hardest on ourselves

so stop it

i understand the stiff feeling well and yes when we eat right we r in good shape but boy we sure can tell the difference when we splurge a lil.

congrats on the stoppin drinkin...i know that that is a hard one...im still tryin to tackle stop smokin thing but at least ive cut way back. kudos to u!!!!!
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby nicoles » Tue Aug 21, 2012 3:41 pm

Thanks Absgirl! I'm gonna quit being so tough on myself. Doesn't help, now, does it?

Thanks about the drinking! Goes to show, I am taking my good fortune for granted lately, forgetting how far I have come. :lol:

Yeah, quitting smoking is a hard one, but I know you'll get there when the time is right! I quit cigs by cutting back slowly too, this recent time. I had quit for 5 years, then started it up for a little while in 2002, then quit again about 6 months after that. Now I don't ever feel like a cigarette, but the last time I quit I was always missing it. I guess these kinds of things have their own timeline. :?

Hey Michelle! Yeah, the starches. I haven't really explained, you didn't miss anything! I am doing it on purpose, but it is more of Dr Fuhrman thing, and honestly, it is the thing most people who follow his advice have the hardest time with. I wanted to try it to see how it worked for me, but you might be right that I need to adjust the starches more to get a handle on the overeating.

Wow! Meditating an hour a day. You will be my sensei :nod:

Holy Cow, I am glad you are feeling well enough to feel like it is too much down time :lol: I know what you mean - even 20 minutes can feel like that to me.

Hi Moonwatcher! I love the Pacific, glad the bird stories brought back memories. We went to the beach this weekend, on Sunday night, and just stood in the waves. It was very dark and quiet and there was a peach-colored crescent moon surrounded by many bright stars and a purpley-indigo sky.

makes me think of this quote from the Tao Te Ching

"All streams flow to the sea
because it is lower than they are.
Humility gives it its power."
~ Lao tzu

=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

This weekend was busy. Did OK during the days as far as overeating, not so great in the evenings. Monday I had a day off but a MILLION errands to run and basically ate very little for breakfast, then came home at 7pm REALLY HUNGRY and had to make food from scratch (bad planning on my part) so I ended up making way to much food, and eating it, too.

But I am looking forward!

One of the things I have been wanting to try out is Bikram Yoga, partially because sweating is a great way to get out toxins, and partially because I like exercising slowly. I know it is hard - I'd tried it before I got sick because a friend of mine is a teacher (she goes to Bikram Yoga Lexington when she is visiting her daddy, Absgirl) - but I also know another Bikram teacher through my friend who basically cured his RA through Bikram, along with some much less extreme dietary changes that I have done. His name is Joseph Encinia, and he is pretty amazing. So I wanted to test it out now that I am feeling so good.

Thing is, yoga classes ain't cheap, and we are still financially royally s****d due to my non-existent-to-low-earning power for the last few years after I got sick.

(Moonwatcher - I'm not a film editor, I am a freelance-please-give-me-any-work-I-can-do-"er" right now, and I have a bunch of eclectic skills. Used to do graphic design, copywriting, used to work as a storyboard artist, fitness instructor, sculpture and drawing teacher for HS, low-to-middle management in a state government office, scenic painter, welder and carpenter (building theater sets), jewelry-maker/designer and bartender/restaurant manager. And the list goes on...it's a whole 'nother story)

So we are broke as a joke, and Bikram seemed way out of any imaginable possibility until we get on track. I had a sad :(


Great news, though! I called today and the Bikram place near me does a work exchange where you work there one day a week at the front desk for about 5 hours, basically as an admin/secretary, and you get unlimited yoga classes (normally about $20 a class). You have to take their intro special, which is $40 for 30 days of yoga (come as many times as you want) to make sure you are a fit for the exchange, but that is a pretty reasonable deal, and - best of all here in LA - parking is free!

So I think I will check that out either later this week or next. The good thing about freelancing is that I could actually do the barter, and have a free day for that. On the other hand, it might be too much for my body right now, so we'll see what happens.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Days like this, when I write a lot, are the days when I have no freelance work, or I have done all I have the energy to do in job-searching, or I am procrastinating on a job I dislike.

But these kinds of days give me a freedom to think and reflect. Today I realized something interesting about my overeating, and my attitude towards getting sick and changing my diet.

It has to do with the story I tell myself. This story goes, "Oh poor me that I am different. Oh poor me that it is so hard. Oh poor me that I am deprived of tasty junk food. Oh poor me that I am sick."

Using the verb - "to be" - is like convincing myself that something is real, instead of an attititude I chose to have, either out of habit or expectation or lack of imagination. It IS so hard. I AM so unlucky/deprived/a poor baby.

But what about a new story? Like:

"Oh, lucky me that I am unique." or "Oh, I feel different from others, but essentially I am probably not all that different."

How about:

"Eating this way seems hard until you get used to it. Not having food to eat is what is really hard." or "I am capable of rising up to the challenges I face."

"Oh lucky me that I have this gift of not poisoning myself with junk food that would make me feel very unwell." or "Oh, lucky me that I get to eat all this tasty, healthy food."


I need to work on my stories, and not tell myself such sad tales! :lol:
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby lmggallagher » Tue Aug 21, 2012 7:17 pm

NIcole - Oh that's why no starches, Furball. My friends who follow him spordically call Fuhrman that. Oddly I have more than a few friends that do that on and off again. It's to hard to stay on because they are hungry all the time and having to cook all the time and feeling like it's all a little bit obsessive compulsive. I tell them I am eating starches and I am never hungry (except for the days when I have had NO SLEEP) and it's easy - but all of them are like diets aren't supposed to be easy and I am like its not a diet it's my permanent lifestyle. They aren't going to get it yet. I am good with starches and they are good to me :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

So yeah girl -- you need some new story lines. I can't say I have never been down, but I got to say the hardest period with my fibro was having to drag my sorry butt to the 10 week pain management class. That was the year I was at my worst and it was so hard, plus everyone was in such bad shape and most had given up.

That class was good for us all, but I got to the place that I was the only one there who couldn't take any drugs and for a fact didn't want to anyway. I kind of saw other folks get new drugs and doing better but not me, which was HARD and seriously sad.

My new story line became you are smart enough to figure this out on your own and the ONLY thing I hadn't tried but they talked about some was food. So that BECAME my new story, slowly but surely !! I bet today I am doing better then most in that class- who are now on drugs with all those nasty side effects or don't last that long before you have to go to something else or what not!!

OK, we are damn fortunate to have gotten this far and we keep improving and being able to do new stuff!!!! - But what's wrong with us is we is not patient girls....and we might just be getting down because it's not going to happen overnight. Meditate, chill and realize we figured something out and we are getting better AND SO IS LIFE.

For starters- how cool is it you can work exchange Bikram Yoga - not here in a million years. Maybe we don't have enough poor starving actors around here, yeah that must be it :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby moonwatcher » Thu Aug 23, 2012 7:14 pm

HI Nicoles,

I have come to your journal several times trying to read your latest entry and life keeps interrupting me, which it is about to do again, but at least I finished! I cheer you on with your new story lines. And also appreciate Michelle's story lines, too.

Here's another one: everyone is headed toward some kind of debility with the way we eat and how fast we run ourselves into the ground. So you are like a pioneer, trying out a better way to travel through life. Also, your ailments are like that canary in the coal mine, warning you not to keep going down the road you were going. And you listened!!

Thanks for the image of the darkness, the lapping waves, the peach moon and twinkling stars in the purple black night. Oh, lovely.

And oh my, you are a Renaissance Woman! Bravo! Not always easy in the financial department, but there's a freedom of mind and heart to it, yes? And the opportunity to trade for the yoga--now I have to look that kind up. :)

Wow, I actually made it through the reply. Hooray!! :lol:

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Re: Nicoles Psoriatic Arthritis Journal

Postby nicoles » Thu Aug 23, 2012 7:36 pm

Day 27

Woke up later, but not too late. Went to bed too late, that is for sure, because I had overeaten yesterday, but not gotten enough exercise, and could not sleep.

Felt stiff, a little achy and cranky in the am. Also cranky because I have to work to day to finish a project by the deadline. A project I am not enthused by. Crabby pants are still one, I guess :lol:

Breakfast

Ate from 10 am to 10:30. Had a kale, parsley, collard and romaine shake with frozen broccoli, pomegranate, blueberries and a little bit of cucumber and POM juice. Wanted to eat more, but sat with it and waited until I had to admit I was not hungry, just wanted to eat more.

Lunch

Had a very small lunch at 1:30 -2:00pm.

- small salad with one persian cuke and a handful of cashews,

-a small bowl of split pea soup and ...

1 small apple.

Keeping it small so I don't succumb to the "finish all your food" excuse for overeating. In truth, I am full after that meal made up of small parts.

Dinner
veggie soup

Exercise
nada

Meditation

21 minutes first thing in the morning. Felt like I was going to fall off the horse so I got right back on. Added a minute because I want to work up to at least a 30-minute session daily, but I feel a need to do that slowly. It was fine, once I got into it. Not a perfect meditator, of course, not by along shot, but I was not as fidgety emotionally as I anticipated being when I woke up.

Thoughts for the day

Last night, when I could not sleep, I skimmed through "Finding Ultra" by Rich Roll. Interesting enough book about a guy who was an alcoholic and then got sober but very overweight and out of shape, who, starting at age 40, ultimately went plant-based and became an "ultra athlete'" whatever that is.

It is not my favorite book, partially because I was looking for more wisdom than it supplied, and a lot of it's purpose is to "sell" going plant-based. Since I already bought that idea, I was looking for more.

But anyway, there was one part where he talks about fear ruling things, and making fear based decisions over faith-based decisions, that really got my attention.


I don't have much more to say other than...there is something to that. I feel it in my bones. There is something to letting go of fear that is important for me to learn. I am going to have to explore that more.
Tough times don't last, tough people do

Read the results of my journey here: Nicole S. O'Shea vs. Psoriatic Arthritis

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