toadfood's starting over journal

[toadfood]

Today I am wearing a new spring dress, size Large. Not 2X, not 1X, not Extra Large. Large. Purchased in the misses department.

People I barely know or don't know at all are starting to comment on my weight release. It's weird. Last week I was at the Y changing out of my bathing suit and someone I know by sight from work came into the locker room. We chatted and she said, "You've lost a lot of weight, haven't you?" I eventually asked her name, which is Nancy. Then yesterday, I was going out for my lunch time walk when someone I swear I didn't recognize at all, but who must work on the same floor as I do, got on the elevator with me. "Are you going for your walk?" she asked. "I've seen you." I said yes, she asked me how far I walk, I answered. Then she LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN and said, "You look good." It was so weird. I just said "Thanks" and went on my way. When I told my girlfriend about it she said, "You should have said sorry, I'm taken." I never think of stuff like that until afterwards, though!

[LauraA]

Wow, congratulations!! You are doing so great! It is so wonderful when people notice. You are a great role model. Take care, LauraA

[Birdy]

Toadfood that is so sweet how you posted, "Today I am wearing a new spring dress, size Large. Not 2X, not 1X, not Extra Large. Large. Purchased in the misses department." I can almost picture you in that very dress!

Having people compliment your appearance is always tricky for me. It brings out my natural introvert I'm so happy you're making progress.

How much swimming are you doing? I had a pool membership for about a year but quit because I was always the slowest swimmer and found it hard to get a lane.

Have a great spring weekend in your new spring dress!

[Rosey]

Way to go. Your doing great.

[toadfood]

Having people compliment your appearance is always tricky for me. It brings out my natural introvert I'm so happy you're making progress.

Thanks, Birdy, and thanks for the support, Laura and Rosey. Birdy, I have gotten a lot less self-conscious about the appearance comments than I used to be, but I still think they are really weird coming from someone I don't know or barely know. The idea that people I pass in the hallway are observing and feeling compelled to make comments on my weight loss is really creepy to me. I'm an introvert too, and I would never make a comment like that to someone I didn't know. Even with someone I do know, the most I would probably say is "you look great," with no specific mention of weight change. That's the comment I get from most people, and I'm ok with it.

You asked about swimming. I'm trying to get in the habit of swimming at least 3 times a week, but so far it's generally only 1 or 2. I need to figure out a routine.

[toadfood]

I've really been struggling with my food. On Wednesday I had a really bad binge -- nuts, dried fruit, candy, bread. . . . the only good thing I can say about it is that it was all vegan. If I binge on non-vegan food I'll know I've really relapsed. I guess I can say another good thing about it, which is that it made me feel TERRIBLE physically, right away. Thank you, McDougall's revenge. Avoiding that feeling is strong motivation.

So I decided I need to get back to basics with food and go on a cleanse. Yesterday I committed to 30 days of nothing but intact whole grains, beans, and fresh and frozen fruits and vegetables (oh, and canned tomatoes). No nuts, no soy, no added sugar. I'm limiting fruits to 2 a day, but I'm not following MWL because I'm not limiting beans to a cup a day. I'm eating 3 cups of beans a day, in fact. That's the amount that feels good to me and as I've shared before, I just can't believe it's harmful to a person with healthy kidneys.

At breakfast this morning -- my second morning of healthy eating since my binge -- I broke out in hives. I have no idea what caused this. They covered my arms, legs, and back and were quite painful. A few hours later they were gone. Really strange.

The other part of my plan is exercise. A 30 minute walk 5 days a week, and swimming 3 days a week (yes, that means one day I'll do both). I'm up to swimming 20 laps at a time! It's fun to be getting stronger.

Today's food:

B: 1 cup homemade refried beans, 8 oz kale, 1 1/4 c corn
L: 1 c red lentil masala, 1 c brown rice, 8 oz cauliflower
S: 2 apples
D: 1 c red lentil masala, 1 1/2 c brown rice, 8 oz broccoli

I've been craving refried beans lately, but the canned ones are so salty. I discovered that it's easy to make them in the slow cooker:

1 lb dry beans, soaked (I used Roman beans)
1 large onion, chopped
lots of garlic, chopped
1 tsp salt
freshly ground black pepper

Put everything in the slow cooker with water to cover. Cook on High for 12 hours. Drain, reserving the extra liquid. Puree with an immersion blender, leaving some beans whole, and adding liquid if needed. Yummo. The consistency came out perfect, and they are savory without being anywhere near as salty as canned refried beans. I cooked them overnight, pureed them this morning and ate them for breakfast mixed with my corn and greens. Mmm.

[toadfood]

Just checking in to say I have stayed on plan since the last time I posted. I weighed myself this morning before breakfast and had to record a 2.4 pound weight gain for the month of April. I was not amused, and spent about half an hour with my paper journal this morning trying to help myself get in a better frame of mind about it. My plan is to focus on my eating and exercise, stay off the scale until May 31, and (try to) be at peace with whatever results.

I have been eating some soy. This morning I drank the last of the soy milk, and ate some (homemade) baked tofu to round out my morning protein. I won't be purchasing any more soy for home use until the cleanse is over, but I may eat some while traveling if it seems to be the best option. I did buy some individual containers of soy milk for my trip to the beach next week, but I am starting to rethink that and am leaning toward refried beans instead. A lot will depend on whether we have a refrigerator in our room, and I have asked my partner to check on that. If we have a mini fridge and a microwave, I'll eat rice and beans every day! The soy milk is shelf stable, so it will keep until this cleanse is over.

I'm craving nuts and dried fruit. After my binge I brought a big bag of mixed nuts to work, hoping my coworkers would eat them all. It was a better solution than keeping them at home, but not eating any is a challenge. So far so good, but it's hard. Just before lunch this morning I was really irritated about something that happened at work, and I thought "A handful of nuts would really take the edge off." It was very clear to me that the purpose of eating would be to soothe my temper. I took a walk instead, then came back to the office and ate my lentils, rice, and green beans.

[toadfood]

Well, I talked a good game in yesterday's post, but after white-knuckling it through the afternoon I went home and binged. This disease of compulsive overeating really has me beaten right now. But today is a new day, and I am reaching out for help from many sources.

[f1jim]

What's at home you can binge on?
f1jim

[toadfood]

I looked up the hotel for next week's trip and found out every room has a fridge and a microwave, so I think I am going to cook food from scratch to take with me. My partner suggested I put each meal in a ziploc bag, and bring a bowl to heat them in. I think that's a good idea -- just eat the contents of one ziploc three times a day.

I'm thinking about going to NY this weekend to visit my mother -- Sunday is her birthday -- and wondering whether that's a good idea in my current fragile state. NYC is traditionally a binge place for me, and if I make the trip I won't be able to go to my regular OA meetings (although I could certainly find meetings in NY to go to to). However, I also know that my mom is very happy about my weight loss and health improvements and will want to support me any way she can. And doing something nice for another person might be the best medicine for me right now. So I'm torn.

[purplerain]

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I am new to the forum and your story is the first I've read and it's very inspirational. I just imagine you trying on the new spring dress and it's a lovely thought. I binge when I get nervous or when I have visitors coming or have to go away from home. I wonder if you are worried about your trips away because it will be harder to stick to the plan? Good luck anyway, I'll be watching this space.

[Anna Green]

Hey!!! I'm here bringing all of my support and good vibes and meager wisdom. The good vibes will have to suffice I guess. I know about white knuckling it. One thing that helps me is to exercise. So you might want to try telling yourself when the urge hits to binge, that you'll go exercise first and see if it abates. It does for me most of the time. I just get focused again on eating well. Gawd, I hope I remember this tomorrow (Friday) and can stave off the demons of weekend satan food with stair climbing.

This is all I got. I'm coming here this weekend at some point to check in and post my food and I'll check on you too.

[toadfood]

Thanks for the support, purplerain and Anna. Anna, that exercise suggestion is a great one. I could (should) also call someone in OA when I feel like bingeing, but part of my issue is that I choose social isolation.

I have actually been on plan since the last time I posted. Eating lots of beans, rice, oatmeal, veggies and a little fruit. I made another giant pot of refried beans, and over the weekend I think I'm going to cook some moong dal with veggies, do a sort of Ayurvedic cleanse thing. I don't believe in Ayurveda but I love Indian food so what the heck.

Next week is my beach retreat. With the exception of a couple of social meals I will be eating food that I bring for myself, and spending lots of alone time walking on the beach and reading. I'm looking forward to it. Pretty much planning on eating moong dal, rice, and veggies three meals a day. Eat a bowl of food, walk on the beach and look for shells, eat another bowl of food, walk on the beach some more. As long as the weather holds I'll be happy happy happy.

[Starchyme]

Glad to hear your news, Toadfood. Have a great time at the beach retreat......relax, revitalize, rejuvenate, return to McDougalling! We'll be waiting to hear your update when you get back.

[kirstykay]

Hope you have a great retreat, toadfood! Your plan sounds wonderful!