toadfood's starting over journal

[txveggie]

Funny how we can start To sabotage our selves when we are doing well. I lost a bunch of weight a long time ago, part of me loved the compliments but another part made me leary of people. Why did some seem to like me when I was thin only? Of course I gained the weight back because I couldn't get the mental part.

Have a great trip and hope you get back to where you need to be.

[kkrichar]

Oh, TF, we are so much alike. One of the problems I had with OA was being required to call someone every single day. I've been sober for over 7 years and I've never once picked up the phone and called someone from AA. I have a hard enough time answering the phone when someone calls. I have women in the program that I meet with to go through the steps, have lunch, or go to a movie or concert. I sponsor someone and I meet with my sponsor every week. I also go to meetings every week and am chairing one. So, I certainly reach out to the AA community but I just can't pick up the phone. It's my thing. I do try to increase the number of meetings I go to when I'm struggling emotionally. I don't have alcohol cravings anymore but I do get, what I call, my persecution complex. I get overwhelmed with life and things start to go wrong and I feel like the universe is out to get me. Everything is harder for me than other people. I'm cursed. Blah blah blah. I get on this huge pity pot and I develop resentments against practically everyone around me. I interpret what people say and do as insults. I get really defensive. It's so uncomfortable and my tolerance for enduring it is much lower than it used to me. As soon as I recognize it's happening I try to increase my number of weekly meetings. It helps. Unfortunately, I've usually already binged on bad food before then so my plan still needs work.

Your beach trip sounds soooooo wonderful. Walking on the beach alone sounds like a dream vacation. Your food plan is great. I'd love to try your moong dal recipe if you want to share it. I love Indian food too.

Have a good vaca and "yay!" on being on plan!!!

[Anna Green]

Hey, thinking about you and picturing you all relaxed as you meander along the beach.

[Anna Green]

Hey, you decided to stay at the beach? I wouldn't blame you but come back! Whatcha know good?

[toadfood]

Hey girl, thanks for checking up on me!

Thank you for all the good beachy wishes, everyone. My trip to the beach was great until the last day, when I convinced myself it was OK to have a couple of Clif bars for lunch. I have been in relapse with compulsive overeating since then, although I think I am starting to come out of it now (of course, I isolate and avoid posting here until I am coming out of it!).

I have to face the fact that I am addicted to certain foods. Flour, nuts, and all concentrated sugars (including dried fruits) are like crack to me. The good news is, that means MWL (minus the permitted simple sugars) is basically a prescription for me to heal from my eating disorder. The bad news is, I have not been willing to take my medicine.

This past weekend I was in New York visiting my mother. I did do some compulsive overeating while I was there. Then yesterday something shifted. I ate plain oatmeal for breakfast, then was on my way home and had in my head that I was going to buy some food to binge with on the train. I even had the specific food in mind. Well, my mom decided to go with me as far as Penn Station, because she wanted to go to Macy's, which is at the same subway stop. I wasn't going to buy binge food in front of her, so that didn't happen. Then I got to Penn Station and when I was alone, I actually walked around looking at all the binge food (and there is plenty available there, believe me). I didn't buy any. When I got to Baltimore my partner picked me up at the train station and took me out to lunch. I chose the restaurant, and I ordered binge food. I did clean my plate, but then I was done -- didn't seem to be craving more food. Went home and was really tired so I took a nap. When I got up, I ate some vegetable soup (MWL friendly) that I prepared before I left town. And that was it for the day. This morning I got up, ate a MWL friendly breakfast, went to work. Took a walk before lunch, then ate some more vegetable soup and brown rice. And here I am.

I don't know why some days go this way and some days are all about the food. All I can say is thank you God. Lately my state of mind is that I want to be back on track (and want to lose the 10 pounds I found as the result of this relapse, and then some), but I don't want to do the work that is required. So I need to ask my Higher Power to help me be willing to take care of myself.

[Anna Green]

Hey, welcome back! Yay for veggie soup! Good stuff, huh?

I wish I had wisdom to share but don't have much. I do think sometimes about how hard I'd fight if someone tried to take the healthy stuff away, if I was afraid it wouldn't be available. The other thing I've been deliberately taking time to recognize is how much I really like my healthy food and how sad it is that I don't get it when I'm eating SAD. It's my way of changing the stinkin thinkin. When I've been "clean" for a year I'll let you know that it worked.

Many of us don't post or post less when we are off plan or "using" or eating SAD. I wonder if it's because we don't want to kill the buzz by being here and getting a reality check or if we just wouldn't feel welcome or if we'd feel too much shame posting daily that we are eating crap. For me it's all of the above. Perhaps though it would be helpful to check in even when we aren't eating healthy. Would it shorten the time SAD or lessen the damage?

I don't know but I'm glad you are back. Eat that veggie soup, girl!

[toadfood]

Thanks, Anna! I've been eating lots of veggie soup, brown rice, beans, and salsa. Yesterday I was on plan all day. Today I had black beans, brown rice, and salsa for breakfast, and I packed veggie soup and more rice for lunch.

Yesterday's big triumph (besides being abstinent all day) was that I went to Trader Joe's -- otherwise known as the crack house -- and bought salsa. Period. No nuts, no sweet things, no pretzels, nothing oily. Just salsa. For me that's a big deal.

Yesterday I thought about what it would be like to be an alcoholic and have to do my grocery shopping in a bar. That's what Trader Joe's is like for me. I get a lot of my staples there -- frozen veggies and blueberries, fresh fruits and veggies, brown jasmine rice, oat bran, salsa -- but I have to run a gauntlet to get to them. So much of what is in the grocery store is not food. This morning I looked at the circular in the newspaper from the mainstream grocery store I usually go to (Giant) and thought, not food, not food, not food, hmm, strawberries are on sale but they won't be local, not food, not food. At the Giant I buy fresh and frozen fruits and vegetables, canned tomato products, dried beans, and brown rice. That's it. Nothing else in the store is food to me (except canned beans, which I prefer not to use but am not opposed to eating). I could buy plain oatmeal there too, but it's cheaper at the health food store.

[Anna Green]

Toadfood, you did good. Keep at it. You know you'll get to a good place.

[sksamboots]

Your turn around was great. It could have gone so many others ways and you went in the right direction. Keep on keepin on

[toadfood]

Thanks for the support, Anna and boots. You two are my inspirations.

Yesterday was another on-plan day, and today is so far, so good. I took a walk on the treadmill for half an hour while listening to an OA podcast, then ate rice and beans for breakfast.

Before my relapse I was weighing and measuring all my food. I was also having a slip about once every two weeks, and I was hungry a lot (or thought I was hungry -- with me it's hard to be sure). Right now I am not worrying about portion sizes or about proportions of vegetables to starches, although I did eat a pound of cooked veggies yesterday and the day before. I think the best thing for me right now is to avoid eating my trigger foods (basically anything that is not MWL, with the possible exception of tofu), and not worry about quantities or proportions until I am solidly on plan. Then the second step would be to get my meals to half starches and half veggies. Weighing and measuring food is a distant third. I know Dr. McDougall and Jeff do not recommend measuring food, but it is so common in OA I figured I should at least give it a try.

I am going to Chicago next Tuesday (June 5) and will be there until late Saturday. For most of that time I will be staying in a hotel (attending a conference for work), and one night I will stay with relatives. Yesterday I did some research and printed out directions from the hotel to Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Chipotle (I know Chipotle is not perfect, but it's a place where I can get something reasonable to eat in a pinch). All are less than a mile away. My plan is to check in at the hotel Tuesday afternoon and then go foraging. The conference starts Wednesday morning and I am assuming there will not be any appropriate food.

[PotatoFiend]

I am going to Chicago next Tuesday (June 5) and will be there until late Saturday. For most of that time I will be staying in a hotel (attending a conference for work), and one night I will stay with relatives. Yesterday I did some research and printed out directions from the hotel to Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Chipotle (I know Chipotle is not perfect, but it's a place where I can get something reasonable to eat in a pinch). All are less than a mile away. My plan is to check in at the hotel Tuesday afternoon and then go foraging. The conference starts Wednesday morning and I am assuming there will not be any appropriate food.

Good thinking with the planning ahead! Best of luck with your foraging adventure.

[Anna Green]

toadfood, bring some food to your hotel room too so room service and vending machines won't be too tempting.

What you making this weekend?

[toadfood]

Hi everyone. Anna, my plan is to get stuff at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's that I can bring back to the hotel. I will also probably bring some McDougall soup cups in my suitcase.

Today I cooked a big pot of chick peas, and I have black beans soaking for tomorrow. Planning to eat really simply between now and Tuesday. Today I had an OA meeting (and a meeting with my sponsor beforehand), and in the afternoon I went to a town about 40 minutes away to adopt an 8 week old kitten! A coworker of mine took in a pregnant feral cat, and we have been waiting impatiently for the kittens to be old enough to take. This one is a tuxedo cat and he is adorable. We named him Newman, as in Newman-O's. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut so I'll look cute in Chicago, and then we are taking Newman for his first vet appointment.

In other good news, I seem to be re-losing the weight I found during my relapse. I haven't recorded an "official" weight yet and probably won't until I get back from Chicago, but unofficially I am back down about 2 1/2 pounds. I've been eating huge portions of MWL foods, not weighing and measuring at all. I need to remember this program works. There is no need to tweak it. If I eat until I'm satisfied from permitted foods, the weight just falls off. What a gift.

[Anna Green]

you are so right. It is a gift. Ya dawn good!