Amy's new journal..new start

[amyla51]

I know I started a journal a year ago, but I can't find it, so i will start fresh. I am writing here, instead of airing my emotional "laundry" on MWL or another site, since this is primarily for me....to track my progress and express my feelings.
I have strayed from being a true McDougaller. and it makes me feel guilty. I did so well out in Santa Rosa.....if only I could have Mary cooking all my meals, and Pam doing daily Yoga, and Jo for my personal trainer, and Jeff giving pep talks and quick recipes and making me laugh, and of course, Dr. McDougall giving those great lectures......if only ........
But of course, that's not the way it works, or is supposed to work. Ultimately, I am in charge of me. I control this part of my life. I can get help, but I have all the tools I need, right here in front of me. The people mentioned above gave them to me for 10 blessed days in California.
I am starting today deliberately. I turned 59 yesterday. 59!! So today, a beautiful, crisp, clear cold, New England day....I am determined that by the time I turn 60...one year from yesterday.....McDougalling will be so firmly entrenched in my psyche (sp?) that I won't even imagine eating SAD food again.
I have NOT had dairy, or any types of meat or fish, but I have let myself have more sweets than I should. I have listened to my friends when they say, "I'm glad you've gained a little weight back....you were looking too thin." !!! AAGGHH!! I hope that in a year they say, "Wow, Amy, you really need to stop this foolish plan you are on! You are way too thin."
Anyway, I am dusting off the recipe books, and printing out the ones that are my faves, going back to Mary's monthly recipes and fatfreevegan.com (Thank you, Susan!) and walking every day.
I am going to find somewhere on here to post my daily food....to keep me honest.
Thank you, Debbie, for being my FB friend and asking me to come back. I posted my new (ugh) weight, and am determined that it not stay there for long. I gave away all my plus sized clothes, and I am not buying new ones!
Love and namaste to all of you, if you read this. We are the only ones who know what a lifelong struggle this is. But WE ARE WORTH IT!

[CJJ]

Welcome back, Amy! Not that I 'knew' you before, I wasn't here much before Oct 1st.

Who needs friends like that???

I'd love to hear about the 10 day experience. If you wrote it here on the boards after you got back maybe you could link me to that.

Lots of support here and like you said, you have the tools. To SUCCESS!

[janluvs2heel]

Amyla,

Welcome back. I, too, have missed you. I knew Debbie was keeping touch with you via Facebook.

Jan

[amyla51]

Thanks, folks. It's nice to have friends on here that are in the same boat.
I think I will keep my food journal here, instead of the "What's cookin" post, unless other people start writing on there also.
Today's food:
Breakfast: steel cut oats, chopped apple, flax seed, cinnamon, almond milk (1/4 c)
Lunch: Dr. McDougall soup, hummus and celery
Dinner: leftover vegan chili and brown rice
snack: grapes, baked potato "chips" w/ black bean & salsa dip, herb tea with small amount of honey

Today my hubby made steel cut oats, which always starts the day out well. It is raining, but I want to get out and take a short walk, to keep up with my pledge to walk at least once a day.
I feel a bad headache coming on, from getting off of sugar. I know that Dr. McD recently wrote an article telling people to add sugar if they wanted to, if it helped them stay on a vegan diet, and I mostly agree. However, I think there are a lot of people like me, who are like alcoholics with a drink. I know that I have an addictive personality, and sugar is a trigger. If I have a little, I want----no, I CRAVE---more. It becomes the only thing on my mind, and I try to rationalize why I should have something I shouldn't.
5 years ago I was on a diet called "No sugar-no wheat-no flour". On it, not a speck of sugar was allowed, nor any food containing any type of hidden sugar, like catsup, bbq sauce, even splenda and some spices. For me, it worked. I stopped it though, because I also had to eat a meat (chicken or fish for me) every meal, every day and dairy twice a day. I had been trying to follow Dr. McD, so that didn't sit well with me. But the not having sugar worked. I could even make cookies for my third graders, and be tempted to have any. I lost 50 pounds, but put it back on when I stopped that eating plan.
My "Aha!" moment came when I read The China Syndrome, by T. Colin Campbell. I knew that dairy made me feel uncomfortable, but that book told me why.
I feel now like I have all the tools I need in my toolbox.....I just need to organize them and use them to help me. I have recipes from Mary McD., Caldwell Esselstyn and Susan at fatfreevegan.com; I have a supportive husband who does this with me; I had 10 glorious days at Santa Rosa and a group of friends form there; and I have this forum with supportive friends.
Enough for today.....papers to grade and football to watch!
Amy

[Silver]

Glad to see you back Amy.

[AmyLa]

I'm just writing this for me..........not looking for sympathy or scolding.........BUT......Why is it so hard to get restarted? I feel like I am sliding backwards, down a very slippery slope, and I can't climb back up.
This has been a very hard week. I found out Thursday that a very dear friend died at age 61 from heart issues. But he died in Oct. and I didn't know til now. So, my paranoia kicks in: my benign heart palpitations become life threatening (in my mind), and I fear my own looming demise. I called my doctor for a much delayed appt and (shock!) was able to get in on Monday. So I will see what she has to say and how my blood work comes back.
That being said, I have NOT gone back to my evil-eating ways totally: I am still vegan, but the fats have crept back in, and I am having things like avocados and chips. Not good.
I would love to say that I am starting again today, but that's a lie. I know I am going out to dinner (at a vegan rest. in Boston). But I am going to do the best I can do. I can't give up on this.....I have come too far and know too much. I will NEVER go back to eating SAD food again. I just have to do a better job planning my meals and making better choices.
Dr. McDougall's last words to me keep echoing in my ear:"Amy, you are young and healthy." Meaning: there's no reason you can't get into great shape and live a long time. I need to keep hearing that in my mind, and get rid of the "can't".

[janluvs2heel]

Hi Amy,
You are so right, noone can do this for you, but it helps to know that there are people rooting for you & I am one of them. I dont have the magic potion that will kick start you to get re-started. You sound like you are pretty much there, just need to get rid of the sweets & the chips, etc. Not easy, I know, but you can do it. I think the easiest way to do it is just stop. Throw it all away so it isn't in your house to tempt you. Especially when you are feeling down. Just focus on one day at a time, one meal at a time & eat on plan foods until you are no longer hungry. One thing that really helps me is telling myself it will be there tomorrow. Are chips, candy, etc. going to stop appearing on the grocery shelves? No, they will still be there. I find that if I tell myself I can have it tomorrow, well, by then the craving has gone away. It sounds like you have the support of your spouse so he shouldn't mind not having that stuff in the house if it helps you. I used to read on this board, see people who had lost weight, but that was them, this is me. I had to make up my mind, I can do it, too. Then stop focusing on what my weight was, how I felt, just focus on eating on plan. I still have weight to lose but I sure feel a whole lot better. I wish you all the best, it is a journey but it always starts with a single step.

Jan

[AmyLa]

March 25th- and here I go .....again. I am not starting at square one.... I have gained back some of the 40 pounds I lost, but not all of it.
My "aha" moment came the other day, when I realized I would have to refill my protonix (acid reflux) if I intended to keep using it. Since one of my goals when I started was to get rid of my meds, I felt like I was going backwards.
I had given up meat 15 years ago; fish, chicken and dairy 18 months ago, so I knew I could give up fats and sweets. This acid reflux is what I htink will do the trick. My stomach is so sensitive, that anything triggers the reflux. Dr. McD suggested I raise the head of my bed and give up coffee, which I have done. Now I am trying to be very careful about what I eat and not have any fats at all...knowing it will trigger the acid.
So, I start again, with renewed commitment. Isn't it amazing how much better we feel when we eat this way? I found my smile! And I walked to work (in the cold) for the first time in months.
I think being a chronic overeater is, I imagine, something like a person who is on meds for a mental illness: when they feel better (because of the meds) they think they are better and don't need the meds. I find that when I am successful and feel better, the "devil" in me says I am fine and can have just a little cake or treat.
the smarter "angel" in me knows better...........

[AmyLa]

Another day. Today was a little tougher, because it is still so cold out...not conducive to walks or being outside.
Eating went well. I find if I keep it simple, then I have lots of leftovers and don't have to make a lot of decisions.
Today's meals:
B- oatmeal
L-potatoes with bean/salsa dip, steamed spinach
D- baked potato with Wicked Mushrooms (Mary McD)
Snack- rice cake w/ peanut butter
rick crackers w/ salsa

Even though I ate a little more, I still kept to pretty low fat- the exception being the peanut butter. I am done for the night.
One day at a time.......I can do this.

[burgh_grl]

Amy, WELCOME BACK!! I'm so so so encouraged by YOUR courage!! YAYYY...you DID it ...one day at a time...one MEAL at a time, that's the way we do it...I'm a returner myself, with 15 to lose...maybe more...and wish to make this time returning, the LAST. Simplify, simplify, simplify...that's truly the best way. Im on your side Amy...lets make this a done deal. We ARE mcdougaller's...all of us, no matter how many times we need to come back. Congrats, that you've come so very far already!! "the race is not always to the swift"!! Keep on!!

Another day. Today was a little tougher, because it is still so cold out...not conducive to walks or being outside.
Eating went well. I find if I keep it simple, then I have lots of leftovers and don't have to make a lot of decisions.
Today's meals:
B- oatmeal
L-potatoes with bean/salsa dip, steamed spinach
D- baked potato with Wicked Mushrooms (Mary McD)
Snack- rice cake w/ peanut butter
rick crackers w/ salsa

Even though I ate a little more, I still kept to pretty low fat- the exception being the peanut butter. I am done for the night.
One day at a time.......I can do this.

[AmyLa]

It's been a while since my last entry into this journal. I am not going to say, "This time it will work!" cause I know that will not work for me. I used to joke that I was a Weight Watchers life member the wrong way: I joined and quit so many times I felt like I had been doing it my whole life!
Of all the eating plans I have tried....and failed.....this is the only one I keep coming back to. Even before going out to Santa Clara last year......I felt in my gut (Ha!) that this was the answer. Meat had never settled well with me, and I had kicked it our of my life 15 years ago. Chicken and fish were harder, so was cheese, and eggs were the worst to let go of. But I have. And I tell myself, if I have already had the strength to give up all those things, can't I give up chocolate and fats?

I watched Oprah's third to last episode today, and found a new quote, from Glinda the good witch in the Wizard of Oz. When Dorothy wants to go back to Kansas, she tells her, "You always had the power." I think I have watched that movie 50 times, yet never thought about the meaning of those words: You always had the power. Of course! So simple! The power lies inside ME. Not in Dr. McDougall, or my husband, or my friends........I always had the power. Why did it take me almost 60 years to hear that??

This is the fifth day of my really, ultra strict MWL. I am determined to get off my acid reflux meds, and the trick is to have NO fats. I have developed some pain in my side (gall bladder?). I emailed Dr. McD and he suggested that I see a doctor to rule out gall bladder disease, and that a low fat plant based diet is the best idea. I see my PCP on Wed, and pretty sure she will suggest an ultrasound. Anyway.........

I look at people who are thin and think how very lucky they are. Women my age who look great (Helen Mirren) have been thin their whole lives and, I bet, never had this demon called food. It is really not fair! On the other hand, life has been good to me: a great husband- who sent me to Santa Rosa- , 5 great kids, daughters and son-in law, 2 adorable grandchildren. I was lucky enough to enjoy teaching elementary school for 32 years and now teach at a local college. Yes, I am lucky. Now, if I could just salvage my health to live long enough to see more grandchildren!

That's enough for now. I said on the MWL board that you can't eat when you type, so I will try to be more faithful to this journal. It's a little weird, writing about personal issues to people you don't know. But it's also comforting to know that I am not alone.........

[janluvs2heel]

Plus you have the movie, dont you? I am pretty sure I gave it to you one time because we had it, although it was probably video,not DVD. Yeah, you LOVED that movie!! I think it used to come out around Easter for some reason.

I heard someone else say that recently, on some show, can't remember now, You always had the power.

Jan

[AmyLa]

I always assumed it was spelled "Glinda".....I have watched it also every time it's been on TV and also own the movie. I can't believe I missed that line. I was too stuck on her classic line: "Toto too!"

I have decided to post my personal ramblings on here, since this is where they probably belong and I can say what I think.
I am really bummed right now: I just got the results of the blood work that was run last Thursday, and they are not good. My glucose is up to 121 again, my triglycerides are over 200, and my Vitamin D is low. The other numbers are okay, though, which is good. I just started my strict MWL on Wednesday......shouldn't that mean better numbers on Thursday?? HA!! I know, I know!! But now I have to convince my doc NOT to put me back on metformin for diabetes..it didn't work last time, so I am not repeating it. Dr. McD. showed us how it actually increases your appetite and sugar levels, so that will be a "no".
What I'm afraid of is that the damage is done, and all the strict sticking to the plan cannot change that. I hope not. I'll see what she says tomorrow. I feel like having a really good pity party, but then I see the devastation happening in OK right now with the tornadoes, and I realize I have no problems!
The good news is that the acid reflux is being held at bay. The thing that causes it the most is the oatmeal I have in the morning. I think that's weird. But if that's all, I can handle it. Also, the pains I was having in my side yesterday have not recurred today. Yay!
AND I exercised today!! I went to Curves and did the circuit twice. I know it's not very intense, but at least it is moving. Tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful, so I will walk for a half hour. It makes me feel like I am doing something positive for me.
One day at a time.......

[janluvs2heel]

Hi Amy,

I think you are doing great. Hang in there. While you should be concerned about your #'s, remember that you are now eating the McDougall way & you know things will improve.
I am glad to hear the pains in your side went away. And also the acid reflux. You know, funny, I sometimes get just a little of that when I eat oatmeal. I dont know why I wouldn't get it all the time if it is a problem, but I dont. It never seems to get that bad or last too long so I not worried about it.
I enjoy reading your posts. You Go Girl!!!

Jan

[AmyLa]

Thanks, Jan! You always make me smile!