lfwfv's journey: MWL, GF

[debable]

I am so happy you are feeling better.

[Loveskale]

Agreed, it is very good to hear you are feeling better!

[lfwfv]

Having a hard time tonight. I feel so fat. I am eating only MWL foods, but I am including lots of puffed rice cakes and popcorn with that. The foods feel good in my body, but I am still needing so much food to be satisfied.

I know I'm gaining weight. Everything is bigger, less bony, less sinewy. My husband thinks it's great. He says I still look skinny, but he can tell I've gained some weight and he likes that I feel more like a woman again.

I feel like I'm out-of-control. I can't imagine going back to eating only fruits/veggies/yams, and now I feel like I've opened the door to being fat (my definition of 'fat').

Looking back at my food journal from the past year, I can see where I consciously chose to start restricting my food and calories a lot (after having initially lost weight McDougalling just due to the lower calorie density of the diet). I started restricting when, after having dropped from a long-time weight of about 123-126lbs, i effortlessly dropped down to 115 or so (much to my glee), but then I stopped losing weight. Looking at a BMI chart, that's right around a BMI of 18.8. So, that's probably why I stopped losing effortlessly- my body probably knew that was as low as it should go. However, I got greedy and wanted to lose more and more. I tried eating less, but then I started experiencing out-of-control hunger. That scared me, so I finally restricted calories, then eliminated puffed cereals, and most grains, and anything else remotely calorie dense. The more I restricted, the more I lost, until finally losing down to 105-106 at my lowest.

I have not weighed in a couple of weeks. The last time I weighed, I was up to 110lbs, but I think I've probably gained more since then. I am just eating my MWL foods to the satisfaction of my hunger every time I'm hungry. I know I can't eat healthier-- I'm not even eating condiments or added sugars. I feel like I need to accept whatever weight my body reaches eating this way, because a leaner diet and weight just isn't sustainable for life. I am having trouble accepting this tonight though.

I am considering the fact that I may have to accept a weight of 115-117lbs as my body's ideal weight on MWL. I realize that is enviable to a lot of people. Who can complain about a BMI of 18.8-19.2 right? Answer: me. I feel like a blob.

Thank you for listening. Hopefully my perspective will be better again in a day or two.

lfwfv

[KMD]

Another amazing post full of insight and clarity. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

[lfwfv]

Thanks KMD

Feeling a tiny bit better this morning. I had the courage to weigh this AM. 113.2. Officially a BMI of 18.5 which is 'normal'.

Oddly enough, I feel somewhat relieved. I feel like the dream of being too skinny is fleeing and I don't have to hide my eating disordered thoughts from people anymore. I can honestly say I'm now normal weight. There is less of a burden in that.

On the other hand, i am afraid I will just continue to gain weight. I honestly still feel very hungry every day and I eat huge amounts compared to what I ate when i weighed closer to 115-117. I really do wonder if this is my body trying to get back to it's comfortable weight. I am trying hard to just eat super healthy foods whenever I'm hungry and let my body settle where it needs to.

I have debated cutting out puffed grains because I'm sure they're contributing to the weight gain, but I am pretty sure there would be no reason for that right now, except to perpetuate my dream of being as absolutely thin as possible. Is that something I want to have as my life goal though? Puffed grains are extremely healthy, they're just not necessarily great for weight loss. In terms of nutrients, absorption etc. though, they are as good as cooked grains. I see health reasons to avoid excessive sugar, fat, nuts, processed grains etc., but I so no reason, besides thinness to eliminate puffed grains. So, for now, I will eat them. Puffed grains also really delight me, I love the crunch of a rice cake with a sliced banana and cinnamon on top. I also love the way the air gets munched out of them and they satisfy me without stuffing me.

I am going to put away any of the very small clothes I bought when i was at my lowest weight. Some of it will still technically fit, but i feel fat in it and I'd rather wear bigger sizes and have them feel baggy on me, then have things feel 'fitted'.

What a tough journey this is.

I asked myself this morning: "how would I want my kids to relate to food and their bodies". My answer included:

1) I'd want them to eat for nourishment and satisfaction and energy.
2) I'd want them to feel strong and energized and vibrant and nourished.
3) I'd want them to eat whole, healthy, nourishing foods.
4) I'd want them to eat when they're hungry and to eat until their hunger was satisfied.
5) I'd want them to appreciate their bodies for their physical abilities and strength, and for their uniqueness and individual beauty, but i wouldn't want them to fixate or obsess about them.
6) I would not want them to obsess about being skinnier then their bodies wanted to be, I would not want them to try to eat less than their bodies needed to function at their best, I would not want them to stuff themselves with unsatisfying foods in order to attain some level of thinness that deprived them of life.

So, if this is what I want for my kids, I need to model in myself. I know from being a teacher, that kids copy whatever is modeled. They pick up on everything and I need to live the above out if I want to have healthy non-obsessed kids.

Thanks for listening again
lfwfv

[Loveskale]

That was full of insight. I am glad to hear that you are a healthy weight. I say, if you like the puffed grains, keep eating them, what you described sounded tasty and I really don't think it will be a problem

[KMD]

Insightful as usual.

Do you have a certain weight that signals something inside you to mean that you're too heavy?

And could you just wait until or if you get there to be concerned about gaining too much?

I'm sorry if these are stupid questions; you're teaching me a lot

[lfwfv]

Do you have a certain weight that signals something inside you to mean that you're too heavy?

And could you just wait until or if you get there to be concerned about gaining too much?

I'm sorry if these are stupid questions; you're teaching me a lot

Not a stupid question KMD. Unfortunately, any weight gain is hard for me. I'm still slightly underweight or just at the threshold of normal most days and I feel like a fat cow. I hate not seeing bones and tendons and muscles everywhere. Even at a BMI of 17.5, part of me wanted to get skinnier. I definitely felt more comfortable in my body at a BMI of 17.5 than I do now at a BMI of 18-18.5. I am not sure what to do about that.

I have not weighed in several days.

I am currently not eating puffed rice cakes. I still have some left in the house, and I will allow myself to eat them if I really want them, but I am choosing to eat more fruits/veggies/yams and just one big bowl of grain per day for now. I'm not sure what this will do to my weight but I feel more in control these last few days without the puffed rice cakes. I will weigh again in the next several days.

I had a gluten reaction to the puffed rice I had bought. I have eaten it before and was fine, but I experienced a very clear reaction to gluten (extreme cramping, fatigue, bloat, diarrhea) this time. I researched online and found that the company's puffed rice is not certified gluten free. The ingredients are only 'puffed brown rice' so i thought I'd be fine, but there is risk of cross-contamination in their factory and I guess I got a bad batch. So, my husband is eating up my case of puffed rice. I hate that he's drinking more soymilk because of it but he refuses to throw it out or donate it. Oh well.

Gotta get to church. have a good day everyone
lfwfv

[Loveskale]

I rad your post on the gluten-free board, I am glad I didn't pick any of that up. Thanks for the heads up!
As for your weight, for me I just said "eat healthy, exercise, and don't worry about the rest" Maybe something like that will help you?

[lfwfv]

Hi Loveskale, thanks for popping by

I'm doing ok. Eating-wise, I'm sticking to yams, lots of veggies, lots of fruit, and about 1/2 cup (dry) of grain per day. I am not eating puffed rice cakes right now (still have some in the house and if I'm needing it, i'll have it, but I have not eaten any in almost a week).

I have not weighed in a week either. I feel pretty good eating this way. I might continue for a month or so and then check in with my weight. I hate the BMI thing. I wish i could eat how I want to, reach a weight I feel good at, and just forget about it if I'm technically underweight (others on the board eat MWL long-term and consistently maintain a low BMI but are otherwise healthy). Unfortunately, that doesn't sit well with my husband because of my struggles with anorexic thinking. Oh well, we'll see where I am in a month or so.

We are talking about starting to possibly try for a child soon. I want to get off my birth control soon to see if I get my period. If i am able to get my period on my own, even if I'm underweight, I feel that will be proof that the weight I'm at is healthy. The only other time I've been underweight was when I was anorexic and was starving myself and eating only crap when I was eating. I think my body is in a very different state now...thin, but very well-nourished, not starved, and much stronger. Maybe I would get my period even at this thin weight because my body knows it's healthy. Time will tell...

Anyway, besides all that, yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of my sister's death. She was killed by a drunk driver at age 24 (6 years ago). We were only 19 months apart and she was my only sibling. We were incredibly close and I miss her dearly. I feel like I'm losing more and more connection with her because I am starting to experience things in my life that she never did (she was married but hadn't had children yet). With most struggles i've had since she died, I can think 'what would she have said to me?' and I can hear her calm and loving voice giving me generous advice. Now, there are some situations where I just don't know what she'd say because she's still frozen at age 24. It's weird and scary.

She was my older sister and used to always 'test the waters' first and then fill me in on what she knew. I miss her dearly. I will be on summer break starting Friday and I think i will be able to process things a bit more and deal with the grief then. Right now, i'm too caught up in life and work. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Gotta get going...
take care
lfwfv

[sksamboots]

((HUG))

[Loveskale]

Exactly what I was thinking, Boots,

((HUG))

[KMD]

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[bunsofaluminum]

Oh, anniversaries of the death of a loved one are SO HARD. My heart goes out to you

[lfwfv]

Wow, I am overwhelmed by the support from all of you. Thank you I had a meltdown on Tuesday night and I've been a bit down now and then over the past few days, but overall i feel pretty hopeful and ok. I am so glad that my sister loved Jesus and that I know I will see her again soon. I think I would have committed suicide years ago if I didn't have that hope.

I am doing well food-wise. I am not weighing at all right now and I feel sooo much less stressed and obsessed about things when I can just eat the way I want to and the way that feels best to me and I don't have to worry if I'm gaining too much or too little weight.

I am eating two meals most days:

1) tons of raw veggies, quinoa with nutritional yeast and sushi vinegar, lots of raw fruit (especially cantaloupe, blueberries, apples, grapes, nectarines, plums, and some bananas now)

2) same as above but 2 yams instead of the quinoa

It is simple and I love it. I feel like I'm a little thinner, but I feel good and fit and I hope I can just continue to eat this way. I'm not starving myself at all, I eat whenever I'm hungry and until I'm totally satisfied, but i can maintain a lean weight that I feel good at while still getting tons of nutrients and eating without restraint.

I really want to stop my birth control so I can see if I get my period on my own. I feel that would be the final word on whether or not my weight is at an ok point. I am sick of the stupid stress of the BMI charts.

My plan right now is to continue to avoid the scale and just to eat my simplified MWL and see how I feel after a month or so.

I am continuing to run around 12-15 miles per week and my husband and I usually go for a few long walks each week as well.

Oh, and the most important thing....I have a month off!! I will be practicing a lot and getting plans prepped for next year, but overall I'm very free the next month. Yipeee!!!

Thanks for the support everyone!
lfwfv