Dr. McD Meets Bill W: 12-steps to total health

[kkrichar]

I'm starting this journal because I have so much to say and feel about my journey to physical and spiritual fitness and I just wanted a place to get it out without forcing others to read or hear it.

I'm an alcoholic. I have been sober for 5 and a half years (with the help of my higher power and a 12-step program). I quit smoking several years before that and in the past year or two eliminated all credit cards. However, this thing I have with food remains elusive.

I've been "vegan" since 2003. I say "vegan" because every time I go on a bender, unless it's Double Stuffed Oreos, it's never vegan. I have struggled to follow McDougall's plan since 2003 and have yet to be successful. I 100% believe the McDougall lifestyle is the way I should be living. I get angry with my friends when I spout off some McDougall factoid and they don't immediately jump on the bandwagon with me. Even worse, I get angry when someone does switch and they are successful and I'm not. I have a friend who says I inspired her to change her life. She looks amazing and her seriously high cholestoral has been under control for years. Meanwhile, I'm heavier than I've been in years and all my numbers are back up.

I firmly believe my issues with food stem from a spiritual malady that I repeatedly try to fix with poor food choices. Combine that with the physical response I have to fat and sugar and it's my alcoholism all over again expressing itself through a different medium. If I can quit drinking and smoking, which I never thought possible, why can't I follow a healthy eating plan? What makes food addiction more difficult than my other addictions? Does it matter? Do I need to know the answer to change? I don't know. I hope not.

The great thing about 12-step programs is the support system. Nothing breathes hope in my heart like listening to someone telling my story only with a happy ending. Someone who is living their life the way I want to live mine and being willing to share with me how they did it. I'm familiar with OA and maybe I should be at a meeting instead of writing in this journal but this is what I'm willing to do today.

OK, enough back story. Here are the basics: I am a 41 year old female. I'm 5'6" and weigh 193.8 (weighed 197.2 on April 1st). I enjoy running but have been battling a hip injury for over two years. I finally found a chiropractor I think can help me. No running for the next month but I can swim. I bought a swim pass on Saturday and swam a half mile. I also worked in the yard on Sunday.
It felt good. I went to the grocery store and bought a boatload of my favorite veggies and prepared meals for the week.

Additionally, I'm working on my spiritual program. I read some literature before work this morning and plan to do journalling at night. I've said this many times before so I really need to be held accountable for this one. I vow to write in my journal (my private journal) this evening for at least 5 minutes.

I invite anyone who cares to share with me their experience, strength and hope.

Thanks for reading. -Kelly

[Clary]

Welcome Home,
and
Keep Coming Back!

[kkrichar]

Thanks Clary! I definitely will. I feel better already.

[kirstykay]

Kelly,
I can identify with your issues about food. I've asked those same questions...why? what's wrong with me? is there some deep dark secret from my past that I need to figure out? How come I can have success in every area of my life except my weight????? I could go on.

I'm pretty new at this, but what worked for me was making a committment to MWL for 30 days 100%-no excuses. I literally said "NO" outloud to myself when I felt the strong urge to go off plan. I literally did not allow myself to "cheat"...for 30 days. I told myself that in 30 days, if I wanted to, I could "cheat." There were days when I wasn't sure I was going to make it...but I did. Everytime I got close to eating something non-MWL, I told myself that I REALLY didn't want to start all over again, and it's only 30 days...I can do anything for that long. It was hard. Some days were harder than others.

But then something amazing happened! My cravings went away! That strong, loud voice in my head telling me to eat junk got softer and weaker over those 30 days. Soft and weak enough for me to ignore. Some days I am still aware of that voice (today is one of those days) but I just eat something that's good for me, like a potato, and tell that voice it's not the boss of me anymore! It doesn't have any power over me. Now, I don't eat junk because I don't want it! You have no idea what a miracle that is...or maybe you do. It just isn't worth it to me anymore. I'm actually losing weight! I've gone down an entire size already!

IMHO, don't try to figure out the why before you do the plan. But, there are some helpful books you can read that may help you along the way: Doug Lisle's book The Pleasure Trap was really helpful. Also, I'm in the process of reading Addiction and Grace by Gerald G. May. It explains the power of addiction and the relationship between addiction and spiritual awareness. I'm finding it extremely helpful, and it is helping me be kinder to myself. I believe food addiction is just as much of a chemical addiction as alcohol or drugs, and therefore needs to be treated with the same abstinence mentality as other substances. I have found that the MWL plan is the best way to break the physical addiction. I have never had success in previous attempts to do that with any other plan because, as Dr. McD says, "moderation kills."

I wish you much success in your journey!

Blessings,
Kirsty

[afreespirit]

kkrichar, please check out the topic The Feast Beast, over in the Lounge subforum. It was just started today. I think it is very relevant to what you are discussing here, and may be helpful.

You strike me as a very strong individual. Smoking and drinking are no easy things to overcome. Best of luck to you.

[kkrichar]

Kirsty: thanks for your post. I was reading it this morning and it really gave me encouragement and something to think about. You reminded of how strongly I believe in abstinance. I argue with people all the time about this and, yet, I forgot. I've had people say the reason food issues are so much harder is because "you gotta eat." I say bulls**t. Alcoholics have to drink. They just don't drink anything with alcohol in it. They still drink water or tea or soda or coffee or juice or whatever else they feel like drinking sans alcohol. Likewise, I didn't get where I am because of compulsively over-eating lettuce and carrots. The things that trigger my compulsion are all things with no nutritional value. They can be eliminated at no risk to my health whatsoever.

Anywho, I've been vegan ever since I posted my first post last week but I have not been MWL. Thank you for reminding me of my own philosophy and beliefs. How do I forget these things???

I'll check out that book about addiction and spirituality. I have the Pleasure Trap and really like it but sometimes knowing why you are compelled to eat something isn't enough to prevent you from eating it. You are dead-on when you say don't wait until you understand your behavior to change it.

I think the 30-day suggestion is excellent. After work tonight I'm going to buy groceries to support this plan! I will check in with you all if I crave something off plan. I'll even try the "NO!" suggestion. I like that. I'll also give prayer a try. I've had many people tell me it works.

Afreespirit: thanks for letting me know about the Feast Beast. I'll head there right now!

Right after this quick update: as I said (above) I've been meat and dairy free since last week but on Tuesday a coworker found out she was losing her job. Has nothing to do with me (other than I will miss her) but I responded like it was all about me. There's a little store on my floor where I work filled with nasty goodness. I immediately trotted down the hall and purchased a bag of Chex Mix. I was proud of myself for not buying any chocolate. The bag (which, of course, is a serving in my world) had about 1000 calories and more fat than anyone should consume in a week. After I ate the whole thing I began craving other bad things. Clearly the "no chocolate" pride was misplaced. As Kirsty reminded me, I can't eat like that or it will trigger more obsession, keep me further from my goal of being free from obsession, and drag out this painful, unhealthy process even longer.

Thanks to everyone for their support. See you next time when we find out if I can make it one week on MWL.

Kelly

I will commit to 30-days of MWL.

[sksamboots]

Don't question if you can make it. Make it a priority that you will make it no matter what. I look forward to your update telling us that you made it one week on the plan. Because you will and can!! Keep on keepin on

[kkrichar]

You're right, sksamboots. Thank you!!! I will make it!

[raven]

Best of luck to you kkrichar. Switching to a plant based low fat diet can be very hard for some of us at first, but after a while, you realize how much better you feel, and it becomes easier.

I look at our habits as paths that we have trodden over and over. The well-trodden path is the one we choose, especially when we are having a hard time. Our work in changing anything is to make a path so smooth and easy to follow that we keep on it when times are tough. If we stick to it long enough, i believe the old, once easy path will become overgrown with weeds and will no longer be the easy path.

My thoughts are with you. You already know how to do difficult things.
Raven

[kkrichar]

I am on day 5 of MWL. I feel pretty good. Yesterday someone brought 4 huge trays of brownies and cookies to the office. Normally, this would be a challenge but this time I didn't even want it.

One thing I think MWL does for me is to take away the debate in my head. When I was drinking this was always the issue. Once I entertained the idea I could go buy alcohol it was just a matter of time before it happened. The question was simply how long do I want to suffer before I give in to the relief. Once I joined a 12-step program the debate ended. Consuming alcohol was just off the table and I don't know how or why it happened. I wanted to repeat the same thing with food so I tried a 12-step program for that as well as buying books about other people's "aha" moments but it just didn't work.

The past 5 days have been different. Once I made the commitment to try MWL for 30-days it was as if anything not on the plan was taken off the table for me. There's nothing to debate. If I can have it, I can have as much of it as I want, whenever I want. So, I'm not constantly sitting at my desk asking myself should I eat now or wait until later? Should I eat x or should I eat y? I bring appropriate food and if I get hungry I eat it. I'm filled with hope right now.

One issue I am struggling with is finding green and yellow vegetables I like. The Farmer's Market opens in a couple weeks and that should help but in the mean time I just need to do some experimenting. For some reason I don't like leafy greens. When I eat salad I tend to pick out the cherry tomatoes or the sugar snap peas and leave the rest on my plate. So, I need to find things I can snack on without adding leafy greens or zucchini or yellow squash or cumumbers (until they are in season). I like hummus and dips made from silken tofu but I don't want to over-do the protein or the fat. So, I'm trying to find things I can cook or munch raw without adding too much of something I have to watch. I think my biggest problem is eating vegetables out of season. I live in the midwest and grew up on vegetables out of the garden. Baby carrots from the store and cucumbers and tomatoes and broccoli all taste bitter to me.

Do beets count as green and yellow? I like those. Oh well. I will find something I enjoy. It's worth it to me.

So far the painful arthritis in my finger is the same but, again, it has only been 5 days. I'll keep hoping. I may need to try an elimination diet if MWL doesn't take care of the pain.

So far I haven't lost any weight. Trying not to get too caught up in that right now.

I love the encouragement and support from the people here. It's remarkable.

Back to the grind.

Kelly

[Clary]

Sounds like you are doing great. Keep on keepin' on!

Many who have come here have found additional help from others by posting their food (What is really eaten, not what was planned. ) --every single thing they eat, every day, for at least a week or so, and being open to the suggestions that might come forth from some of the "Old Timers" here on the Board. This program is Simple, but not necessarily Easy, and pulling on the combined experience of succussful McDougallers who have gone before us can be quite valuable to tweaking our program as we go along.

P.S.--I used the "NO!!" technique to help me get off coffee--which habit (addiction) was much harder for me to quit than my cigarettes addiction. I said "NO!" out loud--sometimes VERY LOUD, and even sometimes banged a table or wall with my hand for emphasis. It got "my" attention!! It worked.

[raven]

Hi kkrichar. You might want to keep trying the veggies you now dislike. I certainly changed what i consider tasty after i'd been eating low fat for awhile. I really didn't like salads, but now i crave them. I liked all my veggies cooked, but now i think raw carrots and cucumber are comfort foods. It took me a long time to get here, but i kept trying, because i believed that Dr. McDougall was right about what it is healthy to eat, as you do, and i like a variety, so i kept coming back and trying food again that i hadn't liked before.

Take care.
Raven

[kkrichar]

I've been fastidiously following a Mary's Mini for a week. I eat pretty much the same thing every day. So far I have lost less than one pound. I eat when I'm hungry. I was given permission by my chiropractor to add some interval running into my walks and I have done that 3 times since starting the MM. Last night I walk/jogged (wogged) over 4 miles. I was SO sure I would finally see some movement on the scale this morning but no joy. I'm going to keep the faith and stick with it but I'm an instant gratification kind of person and I'm feeling a little disappointed. Now that I've said it out loud (wrote it outloud?) maybe I can stop spinning it in my head.

Daily Meal Plan:
4 Ore Ida Hashbrown Square thingies
1 Banana

Lunch:
Ginormous Salad with 3-2-1 dressing (mixed greens, cherry tomatoes and kidney beans)
Potatoes (plain with salt or potato salad with Fat Free Nayonaise, yellow mustard, onion, celery, and dill pickle)

Dinner:
Potatoes (usually dry baked French Fries - 2 potatoes)
Banana

I know I should add some green and yellow veggies to my dinner but right now the only thing I really like is the salad and I'm afraid I'll stop liking it if I eat too much of it. I'm planning to make potato pizza tonight for dinner (I slice potatoes length-wise, bake for 20 minutes, add diced bell peppers, maranara sauce, onion, mushrooms and bake for 15 more minutes). In the past (not in the past month) I have added a small amount of soy cheese and veggie burger crumbles but I don't think I will this time. This is the first time I'm trying the potato pizzas since beginning the MM so I haven't actually eaten it yet.

I lost more weight the first week of the month before I started following McDougall than any week since. My body is probably going through some sort of garbage withdrawal shock or something but I have so much to lose I wish it would kick it in gear.

I welcome any thoughts. Thanks for all the support. You guys are awesome!

[kirstykay]

You're doing AMAZING!!!! Look at how your whole attitude has drastically changed! Wow! You are really on the right track. I know several posters have had your same experience with the weight not dropping off quickly at the beginning. I think even Nettie (not sure it was her) but someone who lost over 100 pounds eventually, wrote that she hardly lost anything at the beginning. But with time and perseverence, the weight started coming off. We can't control the scale, we can only control our own choices and behavior. So, trust this process! Trust this program! You're really doing it! How great to not even be tempted by brownies and cookies brought into the office! You are really changing. Keep up the good work! I know it's hard, but try not to worry too much about the scale. If you don't quit, this WILL work!

As far as the veggies, for now, give yourself permission to just eat what you like. Maybe that means snacking on red peppers or sugar snap peas. Give yourself the grace to eat the things on plan that you enjoy. Eventually your tastes will change and you can experiment with new veggies. I think you can just relax. If all you like are green beans, then eat green beans. Just make sure you are eating non starchy veggies with the starchy ones...But it's okay to eat what you enjoy. You're making so many changes, you have to be able to eat things you like. You're doing great!

[kkrichar]

OMG, Kirsty! I just spent the afternoon reading your journal. I couldn't stop. You're so positive and the posts chronicling your BS and going off meds was like a page turner. I couldn't wait to see the next day! After reading your journal I felt so much better. I love how you say it doesn't matter how slowly things happen because this is the way you're going to live for the rest of your life. The weight will come off. Losing the same pounds over and over for 20 years certainly didn't get me closer to my goal so what's another year or 2 years in the grand scheme of things?

Like you, I feel like something is different this time. I want to live like this forever. I don't feel like I'm being punished because I don't get to have what everyone else gets to have. I went through this same cycle when I first quit drinking. I have to remind myself of a time when I wished I could drink like everyone else. I didn't want to go to a special program for people who have no self-control and be so extreme with the whole abstinence thing. Why couldn't I age out like every other grown-up I knew? But, now, I feel so good about my sobriety that I wouldn't want a drink if a magic drug came out that guaranteed I wouldn't drink alcoholically.

I went from being unable to imagine my life without alcohol to being grateful I was an alcoholic because not only do I never have a hangover or elevated liver enzymes but I met the most amazing people who are now my best friends and confidants. I know how to connect with people, ask for help, experience loyalty and selflessness. I learned how to truly care about the well-being of others. I have a life I never would have known had I not gone through what I did and found the other side. If I never picked up a drink in my life I still would have felt separate from other people but never would have known it could be different.

That's how I feel, now, about my weight and struggles with food. If things hadn't gotten this bad I never would have tried something so "extreme" as the McDougall Program and I never would experienced true health or met people like you who inspire me. When you and others share your struggle with me you lift me up and make my day a true gift!

Thank you!!

Kelly