K2

[karin_kiwi]

Let's see if by writing down that I know I'm getting into a danger zone it makes a difference.

I know I eat badly when I'm exhausted and working very very hard. This is me the last few days - yesterday worked from 5.30am to 9.30pm with a total of about 45 minutes of breaks to eat. Day before was similar.

I still have a couple of days of hell (yeah, I don't have time to be writing here!). A very unpleasant 2 hour meeting this morning that will create another 6-20 hours of work that has to be done in the next 3 days. Then a meeting at noon that will be fine. Then back home to finish the stuff that I just couldn't stay up all night doing last night - that will take another 5-10 hours and must be done in the next 30 hours. By not staying up all night and doing it, it means that I can't give the materials to the person who needs them in my meeting today and I can't courier them (it'll be Good Friday) so I have to do the two hour drive to get them to her myself.

Around that are various other bits and pieces and sources of stress.

So I know that when I feel like crap and when I'm extremely time-pressed, the only thing that feels like a lift and a pleasure is bad food. It really does make me feel better and then there's that evil whisper of, 'come on, you deserve SOMETHING that's a treat, you're working all through your holiday weekend.' And then there's my inclination to just feel like none of it matters anyway and so why the hell should I try so freaking hard to be weird instead of fitting in with normal people and society. (I know the answers, btw...)

Let's see if a little advance awareness helps at all.

Onward and upward. Time to test the claim on my primer and makeup that promises to make me look as if I've had 8 hours of restful sleep, eliminate fine lines and wrinkles, and reduce the bags under my eyes. Bets, anyone?

[karin_kiwi]

Back home after the two meetings. Knocking off 20 minutes of work while my potatoes are boiling. Then will have yummy mashed potatoes and gravy (yeah, my feast of salt) before sitting back down to the computer.

Am actually feeling ok now. Sun is shining and I feel like I might be able to get everything done. Hopefully the MIL will keep the kids until Saturday - I know if I put in 4-5 more hours today and a solid day tomorrow that by the time they come home Saturday I'll be able to spend good time with them.

Feeling like I'm in control definitely improves my mood. Now if I could just get some exercise... Probably not until Saturday morning tho.

OK. Back to work!

[karin_kiwi]

Huh. NOT been good few days with eating. Bread, chocolate, fake vegan substitute food products, etc. Not exactly been wonderful about exercise either.

Struggling to care about this or anything. S'pose it's good I'm not on a guilt trip beating myself over the head with the frying pan.

Maybe tomorrow I'll care. Or maybe not. Maybe tomorrow I'll win the lottery.

Oh. That's right. I don't buy lottery tickets.

Guess I won't.

[karin_kiwi]

Nope, not today either. Got a lot of work to do that I don't want to do. Should be having conversations today that I REALLY don't want to be having but don't know how long I can do this without having them. Part of the problem is I don't know what I want the outcome to be, and only one possible outcome am I sure I could get if that's the way I did it. That's not the outcome I want in an ideal world but my world is so far away from ideal... Outcome I want seems to rest almost not at all on me, or at least not that I can see.

Good thing (for her) that I don't have Simone today. Made her worry about me yesterday when I burst into tears. Could definitely use the exercise tho. Perhaps I will do my essential errand in the morning, do a half-assed job on the work for 4-5 hours, and then go for a run in the late afternoon.

Could I be feeling any more sorry for myself. Jeez. Compared to so many people around the world I have a great life.

[karin_kiwi]

At least I got out and ran today. 5.0km in 30 min, which is pretty fast for me. Didn't want to do it but needed to as could feel everything all bubbling up tense and hot inside me. Knew I'd feel a bit better if I ran.

So there. Something positive today.

[Adele001]

Hi Karin
Nice to see there is someone else from NZ on here.
Sounds like your life is kinda full on right now. But you are doing great - you'll get through it!

Adele

[karin_kiwi]

Hey Adele - thanks for the note. I see you're in Canterbury, were you in Chch?

[Adele001]

Hi Karin
We live about 30km north of Christchurch. It's certainly been an interesting few months down here!

[karin_kiwi]

And when I thought things couldn't get worse.

1. this unpleasant thing that doesn't even have anything to do with me but somehow does and could cost me a hell of a lot of money somehow
2. that frustrating thing consuming time I don't have
3. the other thing that is breaking my heart because I have no control over it
4. and the biggie enormous thing I have virtually no control over - I could only force the outcome I don't know that I want
5. and all the other stuff, including financial and friendship and educational worries

Much as I would find it therapeutic to write down all the gory details, I suspect a public forum on the internetz isn't the best place! Too much chance that someone I know could stumble across it...

I do not sleep for more than an hour or two at a time, I have nightmares and unpleasant dreams when I am asleep, I'm getting mild panic attacks, I want to burst into tears at odd moments, I have flashes of indiscriminate rage at others, I have an almost constant stomach ache and constipation (not something I've really dealt with much in my life, nor expected).

Feeling very very very trapped and I cannot see how to get out right now. I know it will change...sometime. Losing weight was easy compared to this - I knew that formula and its variables and how they interacted. I don't have a clue about this solution.

[TominTN]

Sounds rough, Karin. I agree that this probably isn't the best place to write it down, but I have found great help and comfort in journaling so I would encourage you to find a safe place and write it out.

[Adele001]

Sorry to hear that life is so rough right now. I hope todays little weather event in Auckland didn't harm you or yours in anyway.

Kia kaha - the tough times will pass.

[karin_kiwi]

Thanks everyone. It's midnight and I have two things off my plate for the time being. Tomorrow I can concentrate on a third. Thursday will be mixed up duties, then focusing again on Friday - a deadline. The work stuff is manageable. Stressful and time consuming, but manageable as I know how to do it and know that I'm pretty good at it. The personal and relationship stuff? Well. That's a totally different cup of fish.

My enormous bowl of kim chi soup with extra chili came through for me. Literally. I can't believe that there are people who have constipation all the time... ugh. Pain, unpleasantness, more pain and discomfort. This alone would be an awfully good reason to learn how to reduce the stress in my life. I am writing it off to stress as I'm not eating anything I haven't eaten for the last two years. I'd rather not have to eat a pound of kim chi every day, much as I think it's tasty.

Tornado didn't come near me and friends who live in Albany are fine.

Time for bed. Perhaps I will sleep better tonight. I'm feeling calmer now, anyway, or perhaps that's just exhaustion...

Thanks again for your suggestions and support.

[karin_kiwi]

I just ran 15km (9.375 miles). Wow. Perhaps I will be able to do the half marathon on the 25th September!

And we shall not mention the (dairy-free, of course) chocolate I ate last night. These cold winter days are making it difficult not to indulge in too much food and in some of the wrong kinds.

[karin_kiwi]

Has it been 7 years since I last posted? Software says yes!

It has been 7 years of... a lot going on.

Let's see, in 2012 I ran 2 half marathons and got down to my lowest weight of about 125 lbs. This is obviously a before and after set - the third pic is exactly 6 years ago... all dressed up for some industry evening function. (Not sure if it's going to post the image)



For the next few years I regularly ran 3 days a week and did gym/training another 1-2 days a week. In 2015 I tripped and fell during a run, resulting in a crack (left kneecap) and bone bruise (right kneecap). That benched me for a long time, then I tried to get back into it too fast and wasn't paying enough attention. In 2016, after a run of 1500 stairs followed the next day by a gym session that included a lot of squat jumps, I tore my posterior tibialis tendon, but didn't realise it (I didn't have sudden excruciating pain or feel/hear the pop that the doctors thought I should have).

So a few years of not being able to run isn't good for my mental health (running is the only exercise that begins to keep me on a more even keel). And shortly after my last post in August 2011, my marriage took a different turn, which then resulted in the intervening years of "Very Long Convoluted Stuff." All of that contributed to my slowly regaining about 50 of the 150+ pounds I'd lost - I think I peaked again December 2017. That really sucked... growing out of clothes... etc etc.

Finally called a halt to that in January as I know where that slide ends up. Went to True North at the end of February/ early March for a "reset". I'll probably write more about that later; it was a very mixed experience. However, it did kick start me back into being strict with food (which, to me, requires that I use a food app and weigh and measure). I'm now about 25 pounds over where I should be (better than 50+ pounds!). I've got to admit it's frustrating how strict I have to be to lose weight. I read about people who eat tofu and nuts and bread or women who eat 1800-2200 kcalories a day and I'm envious. In 7 months of what essentially has been MWL (definitely stricter than 2009/2010), including a 7 day water-only fast, I've lost 25 pounds (3.5/month). Averaging under 1200 kcal/day, exercising at least three days/week. I know it'll eventually all come off, but I wish it weren't less than a pound a week.

I decided to reward myself for a very, very busy 6 months working with pre-payment of 30 PT sessions, 3 days/week. I'm still struggling with my tendon - doc says it's healed and back up to full strength and thinks that the odd pains I get are just nerve damage. I'm starting to do interval running again and am up to 6 x 1 minute runs over a 4-5km walk. My goal is to be able to run 5km by the end of the year.

Anyway, writing stuff down helps me, as does spending time on the McD boards - funny, I'd been on the FB ones and nearly forgotten about these. The FB ones can be very frustrating for me, though, because it seems like so many people ask questions that make it obvious they haven't spent even nanoseconds reading McDougall's website or books. Also just groups... I don't always do groups well.

Better go get ready for my PT session (not Simone, have had Ricardo for the last 5-6 years, but until recently only 1/week). Yay exercise.

[Lyndzie]

Welcome back! I’m excited to hear how the next chapter of your journey goes.