K2

[pinemeadows]

Oh Karin - that's wonderful! Congratulations!

I've been rootin' for ya, girl!!!

[momof4]

That's a huge achievement--congratulations!

[Melinda]

Star McDougaller here you come!

[karin_kiwi]

I've lurked on the boards again for a while. Lurk. So sinister sounding!

I'm hitting the "losing weight won't solve all your problems" issue. I knew from the beginning it would be there, big time, but I never really got a strategy together for dealing with it. I'm still me, with all my faults and flaws, though physically much healthier.

On the positive side, I'm comfortably in the right size ballpark. I arbitrarily set a goal weight of 130 pounds, and I think that will come slowly, but I'm not at all worried if I stay where I am - which, as a size 8ish, is pretty good. I do have some excess fat to lose, but there's one heck of a lot of excess skin there, too. I don't know how much that weighs, so I'm just concentrating (as usual) on fitness. I run 2-4 times a week for 5-10 km (approx 3-6 miles) a time. I train with a friend and trainer twice a week. Lately I've started to do a zumba class with my younger daughter. I'm pretty useless, but we have fun and it's another way of moving my body around and using different muscles. Though I think I'm missing some of the muscles or joints entirely... I don't think my body can do some of the movements the instructor and a few others can do!!!!

I'm transitioning to a different kind of food diary. I had been using various smartphone-based software and apps that were very detailed. I weighed and measured everything. I've tried a few times to experiment with stopping and within a few days I'd found that my food choices got worse and worse. Now I'm using a different app associated with my exercise one that really just focuses on quality/health and amount of food. So far it's working well. I'm able to record food and not go off the rails but it provides (for me, right now) a healthier, more holistic view.

I have come more to terms with food and weight and my ability to be in control. I know that if I indulge (e.g. over Christmas, on holiday) and gain a few pounds that it will come right back off when I go back to healthy eating. I don't stress over it at all.

I've found that it works much better for me to eat my first meal between 11am-1pm. If I have a separate breakfast (which I rarely wanted anyway) then I eat more total calories in the day and I have bigger urges to eat more during the day. So I'll eat breakfast pretty much only if I know that's my last chance at food until late afternoon. Or I might have a piece of fruit.

I wish I could say that I've lost a taste for meat and dairy. Despite the fact that I don't know how many years it's been that I ate dairy, and at least 3-4 since I've eaten a bite of meat, it still smells and looks good. Well, cheese does, not milk. I think this is just something I have to put up with. Most of the time it's not that hard to resist the meat. Cheese is easier, even though it calls to me most urgently, because I'm just too scared to eat it. I wish I could say that fried or oily food turns my stomach. I wish I were one of those people who after a few weeks of healthy foods develops a distaste for unhealthy ones!!! Sadly, though, I'm not.

I'm glad I focused on fitness and health rather than looks as reasons for making the effort. I'd be one unhappy and seriously disappointed chickie if I was hoping for my 18-year-old body back. I look ok in clothes, but pretty revolting out of them. I can't wear skirts above the knee unless I wear supportive tights/pantyhose. I don't do sleeves shorter than just above the elbow, period. The skin is slowly shrinking, but I don't think it'll ever come totally back. If it really really really bothers me in a year or two, and if there doesn't seem to be evidence that my skin is changing, I might look into surgery. Due to finances and being totally freaked by medical procedures, I probably wouldn't ever do it, but sometimes it's nice to think there is a Plan B.

Wish I'd also magically turned into a nicer, happier person!!! And that all the damage I've done over the years to my relationship magically repaired itself!!! I really don't know what to do about all that. I've tried counselling a few times. While I don't totally discount it as an option, finding the right person and being able to pay the $150-$300/session are pretty big hurdles.

It's funny. By many standards I've made a great achievement. I've lost 120-140+ pounds (depending on where you start counting), but I'm kinda shrugging that off. Partly because I feel that I should hardly be congratulated for getting out of a place I was in only because I was so stupid and out of control. Partly because, as I said to a friend, "if I can do it, it must not have really been that worthwhile/ difficult." We were talking about my weight loss and running a 10K. Funny that I would NEVER have that reaction about anybody else, just about myself. Yeah, there are issues there.

One thing I really love about being where I am now is that when I meet new clients or prospective clients or colleagues, I know that I'm not having to fight past their initial first impression of me as a fat person and all the baggage that carries. I love that when I meet people they're making their judgments on other stuff, but being fat isn't part of it. I don't have anything to feel ashamed of and that is so freeing.

I also love that I can play with my kids. Last week after the zumba class (at the local school), Fiona and I chased each other all around the field, then lay down on the grass and looked at the first stars and the moon before walking back home. Sometimes the kids go on a mini-run with me on weekends, before my main workout with Simone. That is wonderful.

Anyhow, I'm really at the end of the 'lose weight and get healthy' part of the journey and am moving into the 'stay healthy' phase. And the part where I figure out who I am and what makes me happy now that I'm not fat.

[sksamboots]

Karen ,

I always wondered what happened to you. I missed you!!! Wow, you have done so great on your weight loss journey and it is something to be celebrated!! Star Mcdougaller style!!! Really, your absolutely amazing. Great job and kudos to all your hard work. Don't be so hard on yourself, love yourself. It is a great accomplishment. I hope you'll start posting more--loved following your journey--such an inspiration

[afreespirit]

Welcome back--hope to hear more!

[TominTN]

Hi, Karin.

It's great to see you posting again. I'm very happy for your progress, and I hear that you still have some issues to address. Don't we all? I'm glad you're back.

[karin_kiwi]

Thanks, it's nice to have some people remember me! I've been skulking on the board reading stuff for a few months so I've seen some of your posts.

I re-read my whole journal. Wow. What a lot of nice people out there giving lots of wonderful support! It was very interesting to read about where I was mentally and physically throughout that time. I whine a lot, I've decided. And I write entries that are WAAAAY too long!

I've been cemented to my computer all day today and haven't exercised. Didn't do anything yesterday, either. Tomorrow it's looking like I might have the elder home sick, which means that there will be only zumba in the evening, not a run during the day. Oh well. A few days' rest won't hurt me.

I love mashed potatoes. I love boiled potatoes. I love potatoes. What would I do without them??? Will I have potatoes for dinner as well as lunch? Only the Shadow knows...

[Melinda]

Wow, Karin - so great to hear from you again and congratulations on your achievements! I have often wondered how you were doing. Good luck with the other challenges in your life, and keep us posted!

[Anna Green]

Hi! Good to read you again! I always enjoyed and got something from your insight and even from your "complaining" which I do not remember the way you do. What always strikes me about you is your willingness to be honest even when it doesn't look all that pretty. I try to be that way too but it's difficult.

I haven't been journaling here much but still visit. I am doing well though with food and exercise. The rest of life... well as you know it ain't all about the fat...there is good and bad.

Anyway, good to see you. Glad I happened here.

[karin_kiwi]

Thanks Anna and Melinda. Anna, I looked for your journal a few times and didn't see it, was wondering if you were still here!

I've decided to consider my calves shapely. I don't get why, as a clothing size 8ish (average NZ woman size 16), I have problems fitting knee high boots. I have a pair, after trying many many ones on, but the zip is still snug. I see women much larger than I am with knee boots and their calves look smaller than mine. Ah well. One of those mysteries of life.

[momof4]

I'm glad I focused on fitness and health rather than looks as reasons for making the effort. I'd be one unhappy and seriously disappointed chickie if I was hoping for my 18-year-old body back. I look ok in clothes, but pretty revolting out of them.

It's funny. By many standards I've made a great achievement. I've lost 120-140+ pounds (depending on where you start counting), but I'm kinda shrugging that off. Partly because I feel that I should hardly be congratulated for getting out of a place I was in only because I was so stupid and out of control. Partly because, as I said to a friend, "if I can do it, it must not have really been that worthwhile/ difficult." We were talking about my weight loss and running a 10K. Funny that I would NEVER have that reaction about anybody else, just about myself. Yeah, there are issues there.


One thing I really love about being where I am now is that when I meet new clients or prospective clients or colleagues, I know that I'm not having to fight past their initial first impression of me as a fat person and all the baggage that carries. I love that when I meet people they're making their judgments on other stuff, but being fat isn't part of it. I don't have anything to feel ashamed of and that is so freeing. Anyhow, I'm really at the end of the 'lose weight and get healthy' part of the journey and am moving into the 'stay healthy' phase. And the part where I figure out who I am and what makes me happy now that I'm not fat.

Karin,
What a nice surprise to get the update about this. You have a lot of self-awareness and I think that's going to help you succeed. It's okay to feel good about yourself for doing the right thing, even if you didn't always do it right--the great thing is that you kept at it and succeeded. Best wishes as you continue on your journey of discovering who you really are!

[karin_kiwi]

I really really love when I go out that I'm not a fat person! Fatness is not the first thing that everyone sees and registers about me. Awareness of my fatness and bulk and flesh is not consuming part of my energy every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

I can't say enough how much this means. I was partly conscious of the weight of embarrassment and shame and disgust and the pressure to immediately prove to everyone that I was smart/whatever. Now that it's gone, I feel so much freer - it was much more of a burden than I thought. Must focus on that feeling. And make myself admit and acknowledge that being able to run for an hour nonstop, without a homicidal maniac behind me, is an effing fantastic accomplishment. Even if I'm not breaking any Olympic records, it's great. Why do I have trouble with that?

[Concerned]

I'm so impressed with your accomplishment! It is encouraging for me to hear, especially as I've had a very unsuccessful week, eating horrible things (sweet) I haven't had in a long time.

My house is full of junk right now, unfortunately. I feel like, everyone else eats this stuff, why shouldn't I be normal? Anyway, when I was sort of trying, I wasn't losing so much weight. I think I was still eating too much, or making too many exceptions, such as occasional white flour bread, maybe even too much fruit.

What do you eat and how have you stuck with it so beautifully? Are you going to post pictures of yourself? Enjoy your new healthy and beautiful self!

[karin_kiwi]

Hi Concerned! I wouldn't say I'd done this so beautifully! I had many many days where I just railed against the unfairness of it all. You know, 'why can other people eat crap and not get fat?' and 'compared to what I WAS eating I'm so fricken strict it's silly so WHY am I not losing weight faster?' And the 'it's not fair, I have to have a house full of meat and cheese and other stuff because there are other people in the house.'

It also wasn't until I'd lost quite a bit of weight that I started to come to terms with the fact that the equation wasn't as simple as it "should" be. There were weeks I ate like a bird (<1000 cal/day) and exercised like Jane Fonda on cocaine and I didn't lose an ounce (or I even gained). There were weeks I went off the rails (ok, at 1800 cal/day not really off the rails) and only worked out 2-3 times and I lost several pounds. In the long run it does all come down to calories in (and quality/type of those calories, too) vs calories burned, but it is NOT as predictable as my very logical, wanna-know-everything brain wants. And I even believed in this whole-heartedly and had had previous experience that it worked! Even with that, it was hard going at times. It just ain't the "lose 5-15 pounds of fat a month effortlessly" that gets tossed around sometimes... at least it wasn't for me.

I focused very much on fitness and health. I wanted to see my kids grow up. I wanted to set a good example. I wanted to be able to play with them, not just watch them play and tell them I can't when they wanted me to join in. I hired a personal trainer, recorded all my workouts and frequently reviewed how far I'd come. It really was about reminding myself that I couldn't do a single pushup when I started and now I could do 4... now 10... now 30... whatever. That when I finally started jogging I could only do it for 100 meters at a time then walked 500 and repeated 5 times and now I could jog for 2 minutes... 10 minutes... 30 minutes... whatever.

I also had to do the food diary thing. I know that many people on the board say that's the wrong thing to do. I know that the official position is that you shouldn't calorie count. But I had to. I still have to record my food, but it's in a less rigid way now.

I eat a ton of white potatoes, with lesser quantities of beans, white rice, white pasta, and oats (perhaps once a week for the rice/pasta). I eat more fruit than veggies on the whole, although that fluctuates. My favorite sweet treats are steamed, spiced and sweetened pumpkin (kinda like pumpkin pie filling); cut up Asian pear dipped in a "hot fudge" sauce of microwaved banana with cocoa powder; and a chocolate blueberry pudding (made with water, corn starch, cocoa powder and sweetened, plus fresh/frozen blueberries). For mains, I regularly eat mashed potatoes and gravy (stock cubes with corn starch) - this would be daily, as well as just plain boiled potatoes with salt; microwaved poppadums (no oil) eaten with nofat refried beans and salsa and spices; steamed veggies and rice; sushi; and spaghetti with a can of chopped tomatoes, fresh garlic, basil and chili.

And now it's time for lunch!!!