college student trying this thing out

[rainbows]

-steel cut oats cooked with cashew milk. topped with fresh blueberries and blackberries
-banana ice cream (2 frozen bananas and 3 dates)
-trader joe's sample cup of black coffee (around 1/4 cup)
-salad (mixed greens, persian cucumber, baby carrots, balsamic vinegar)
-sweet potatoes, boiled, with fat/salt free tomato sauce and garlic herb blend
-more of the sweet potatoes with with basmati rice, plus an extra bowl of rice with tomato sauce
-a piece of pineapple, handful of raspberries, and an apricot
-1/4 of a clif bar at a movie

[rainbows]

-white rice, a mango, blueberries and raspberries
-can of fat free split pea soup
-2 medjool dates, big handful of strawberries, two apricots, a slice of pineapple
-two bowls of brown rice, upma, and indian spiced vegetables. All made by my mother, who was nice enough to cook the veggies without any oil. The upma still had a bit of oil but I kept my portion small.
-can of coconut water
-two more dates (deglet noor this time)
-few bites of brown rice and sweet potatoes as i prepared my lunch for tomorrow

exercise today was at the beach. I went paddleboarding and also did a quick oceanside jog and some swimming

Tomorrow is a road trip from LA to San Francisco,and i'm getting dropped off at home after a week with my family. I decided to plan ahead for tomorrow by making two meals to take with me. I had a lot of leftover brown rice so this is what's on the menu for tomorrow:

breakfast- brown rice with banana, dates, vanilla, and cacao powder
lunch- brown rice and sweet potatoes with garlic and herbs

[rainbows]

Alright, back in my college town with my friends for the summer. Yep, this is more difficult than living with my parents, at least in terms of controlling my food.

Today was fine, except for the vodka shot and beer that I had at a bar for a friends birthday party. Drinking is still something really difficult for me, and I don't mean that at all in the sense that I can't stop. It's more that I feel a lot of social pressure to drink (way more than to eat unhealthy food) and I've been anxious about alcohol for as long as I can remember because I always knew it was high in calories. Back when I was still really struggling with my eating disorder, I was terrified of the calories in alcohol and I would turn down events or pretend to be sick to avoid drinking even one beer.

I've never been a binge drinker (i'm almost 22 and have been really drunk about 10 times) and I rarely drink, but I think I need to work out some sort of system to deal with the anxiety I feel around alcohol. One obvious solution would be to never drink, but that could be a really big hit to my social life. So I'm thinking maybe I set a limit, such as two or three drinks a week, and as long as I stay within that goal, I don't have to freak out every time I take a sip of alcohol.

[rainbows]

Wow I have been SO busy lately. My rent is due in 4 days and I was about $400 short so I've been babysitting nonstop since wednesday. Luckily I start my real job in three weeks.

Anyway, the eating has been going well and I feel really healthy and energetic! Being busy but not stressed is ideal for me, because I don't eat due to boredom or to try to soothe myself. I've been good about preparing food ahead of time to make sure that I never end up starving and in a situation without healthy food.

[rainbows]

Slept in late today, spent some time lounging, then finally had a big meal. Huge bowl of oatmeal w apricots, and a slice of bread. I think I've been undereating a little bit the last few days, not intentionally, but because I've been running around for work and haven't had the time to make food or the money to buy it while out. Somehow, I've stuck to the program really well, probably because buying cans of beans and vegetables to eat on the go is an easy and cheap option available to me.

I have definitely lost weight now. I don't have a scale, but my clothes are looser and I just feel different.

[rainbows]

I've been slacking on the journaling, which isn't a huge deal, but I liked the routine of writing down my food for the day.

So here goes today:

-clif bar and a mini plum
-coffee w/ half a cup of almond milk
-two slices of whole wheat bread, a banana
-pinto beans and brown rice
-an apple,
-about 6 romaine lettuce leaves

The past few days have been difficult. I've been babysitting 8-12 hours a day, and my commute is 90 minutes each way, so i basically have time to wake up, go to work, come home, and go to sleep. Only been averaging about 6 hours of sleep a night which isn't great. Been packing myself lots of rice and beans for lunch, and eating fruit, veggies and bread at the family's houses, but I've felt very bloated and fat this week.

It's also really hard for me to control how much oil I consume. My food situation is a little interesting, although with some effort, I can definitely work it to my advantage. So I live in a student co-op with 50 people. Food is included in our rent, which means I have an unlimited access to bulk foods. This includes fruit, veggies, rice, beans, potatoes, quinoa, oats, etc. Essentially everything I could possibly need. Which now makes me feel really silly for complaining. My issue is just that I feel too busy to prepare all of my own meals, and we have dinner prepared for us (by students in the house since we all owe work to the house and some people do cooking as their chore) 6 nights a week. There is always a vegan option, and plenty of cooked starches and vegetables, but also plenty of oil. And most nights after a long day of work, when I have a delicious vegan meal available for me, I want to eat that instead of making my own food. So I'm trying to find a good compromise between making my own food, avoiding the greasier things they make (which unfortunately includes the potatoes since they always douse them in 0live oil), and indulging a little bit in the good stuff they make.

[rainbows]

I haven't felt great this past week. Honestly, my body image oscillates so quickly and I'll go from feeling super hot to obese in the span of 24 hours. But I've also felt bloated and maybe a little depressed. It's hard to say. My acne has been bad, which is hurting my self esteem. I've also got a bit of a crush on someone, but I'm currently way too self critical to even try to talk to him, because I can't stop thinking of myself as the fat girl with bad skin. Anyway, all of this just makes me sad and anxious, which makes me want to eat more.

I can proudly say that I haven't cracked or binged or even really eaten non compliant food. Except of course, for the fact that there is still oil in a lot of the food that I eat, and I think this might be what is holding me back. My problem here isn't that I'm being tempted by the taste of greasy foods, or even social pressure. It's that I'm honestly not willing to put in the effort to make all of my own food, and so I just eat what's made at my co-op for dinner, and I also eat the leftovers throughout the day. I only eat the vegan food, and I don't eat food with nuts or avocado anymore, but I feel like if I'm working so hard already, I might as well go all the way and cut out the oil.

[Werner1950]

Believe it or not, you can control your thought life. It takes time, patience with yourself and effort. Tell yourself the truth. Don't believe the lies. Breaking bad thought habits is probably the most difficult thing to do, but it all starts and ends in the battlefield of the mind. But you can do it.

So what are some positive and truthful things about yourself? Talk to yourelf about that. Again and again. And stop playing the old tapes.. or cd's. or mp3's.

(just realized you may be of the generation that knows not what a cassette tape is )

[rainbows]

Haha, i think i'm the last generation to know cassette tapes. I remember playing with them when I was little, and always accidentally pulling out the tape and getting it tangled up.

And yes, it's really hard sometimes to break out of a negative thought cycle. This feels really dumb, but I'll go ahead and list some nice thoughts here about myself

-I am a very hard worker. I can work 12 hours days and somehow keep going
-I overcame an eating disorder all by myself and have learned a lot about nutrition in the process
-I'm good at music and have a nice voice
-This sounds arrogant, but I'm really smart, and I'm good at teaching others.

I think my problem lately is that i haven't really had any time to myself. I've been moving nonstop and doing so much work and maybe i just need a bit of time to relax. Because my anxiety has been building up and it manifests itself entirely in food/body issues.

[Werner1950]

I am also thinking more along the lines of your values. You talk a lot about body image. What do you base your worth on? On the image that your body projects? That would be one of the critical lies that you might be telling yourself at a subconscious level.

If this were true, we would all be in knee deep doo doo.

[rainbows]

I am also thinking more along the lines of your values. You talk a lot about body image. What do you base your worth on? On the image that your body projects? That would be one of the critical lies that you might be telling yourself at a subconscious level.

If this were true, we would all be in knee deep doo doo.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week. Definitely need to make some changes in that department, because honestly I do value myself mostly on how thin I am and how attractive I am perceived by others. Not the best mindset, I suppose.

In other news, I have started my new job teaching and i like having more structured days. I'm eating well and feeling better

[rainbows]

Yikes, have been doing a terrible job of checking in here!

Proud to say I'm still trying my best in terms of diet. My new job has helped a lot in establishing a routine. I have oatmeal with fruit for breakfast every morning (7am), and I will generally either have a piece of fruit for snack mid morning or just wait until lunch (12pm). I pack my lunch every morning and it's generally leftovers from dinner the night before. Then I'll have a snack when I get home (5pm) and dinner at 7pm.

I've been boiling a lot of potatoes lately. Its such an easy and yummy meal

[rainbows]

Alright, I finally bit the bullet and bought an actual book. I read through Maximum Weight Loss Program today and am ready to start tomorrow. It's definitely going to be tough because i'll be making all my own food now instead of relying on whatever looks healthiest thats served in my house, but I think this is the extra push I need. So here's the plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with cinnamon and a drizzle of maple syrup
Snack: A plum fruit, Carrots
Lunch: Salad- white beans, mixed greens, cucumbers, balsamic,
that should keep me good until I get home from work. Then I'm not sure exactly what I"ll eat. I'm thinking I boil some potatoes for the week

update: stuck with the plan, then had spanish rice and pinto beans after work, and thai food for dinner. The thai food was not ideal. I got a salad and brown rice, but the salad was greasy and contained nuts, and i also ate some of my dad's order which was garlic eggplant. Because it was all salty and oily, it tasted really good but I would have felt so much better with just a simple oil free curry or stir fry.

I don't want to count today as my first official day of MWL, because I want to have a really strong start. So, tomorrow!

[rainbows]

well since it's been a good three weeks since i've posted...

hello again! I just wanted to pop in and update my journal, saying that I am doing REALLY WELL. I haven't been able to follow MWL perfectly, mostly due to a very busy schedule, but I feel very satisfied with the foods that i'm eating, and I also feel in complete control. I only put stuff in my body if I want to. I haven't weighed myself yet, but can see some big differences in the mirror. I also have more energy and my skin is finally (maybe) clearing up