Discussion Board

I have never seen this topic mentioned, or read about it in any books. But I know that, in the back of my mind, I am afraid of losing a lot of weight. Now that I have lost 30+ pounds, I know it is for real, it's not just a "crazy diet" or a fluke. When I lose another 20, I will be in unfamiliar territory. What then? I want to lose a total of 90 pounds, and while I know I can do it, I wonder who I will be then? It's scary to undergo such a change.....
If anyone knows of any resources I can read about this, I would appreciate it. I know I can't be the only one who has this fear, can I?
Thanks for the help.

Amy in NH

Amy, you definitely NOT alone!

Geneen Roth's books often touch on this subject.
You might like Body Clutter by Marla Cilley (ignore the dietary advice).
Overeaters Anonymous groups (and to some extent, Weight Watchers groups) often discuss these issues.

Many months ago, O Magazine focused on dealing with the fear of change. It included a wonderful little writing exercise that was very revealing and healing too. I'll try to describe it to the best of my recollection:
1. First, list the change you want to happen but also fear (e.g. losing weight).
2. Then HONESTLY list some of the things you fear about that change. Often what comes to mind immediately is the most honest/useful.
3. Then "talk back" to each of the fears you listed in 2. I.e., write down the LOGICAL possible outcomes. Let your head do the talking here, not the heart.
4. Finally, try to come up with some active steps and a positive phrase to repeat to yourself when you feel the fear. Base it on logic.

Here's an example based on some of the really common fears surrounding weight loss:

"I am afraid to lose weight because..."
a. Men might find me attractive and last time that happened I ended up in bad relationships.
b. I won't have food to comfort me when I feel bad
c. I can't afford the new clothes
d. Etc etc. [List all that come quickly to mind.]

"Talking back" to a. "I was a lot younger and less confident when I got into those bad relationships. Now I am better equipped to handle men's attention. And I don't have to respond to any attention I get. And I definitely do not have to enter into any relationship that seems unlikely to be what I want." [Keep adding until you can't think of any more.

"Talking back" to b. "Actually, that's not true. I get comfort from the foods I am eating now on the McDougall plan. And now that I'm exercising regularly, i don't need as much "comfort" from food as I did [etc, keep putting down logical thoughts until you can't think of any more.]"

Action Plan for a. "I am an attractive and confident woman. f a man pays attention to me, I will just smile and enjoy it. Iif I feel nervous in any way, I will just walk away."

Action plan for b. "The science is clear that a starch-based diet will help me feel better. I can have a big pile of mashed potatoes any time I need comfort from food. I can also use other skills like exercise & deep breathing to help me release stress."

It's important to do this when you don't have to worry about anyone looking over your shoulder... and don't be a perfectionist, just list what comes to mind. No one is reading this but you.

I believe karenkiwi (K2) talked about some of this in her journal - it was quite a while back, but you could do a search if you wanted to read her thoughts.

You are not alone, Amy. I, too, have been held back by fear all my life because of this. It's as if we say to ourself, once I'm no longer fat, what will I become? How will I behave? What will I do with the attention I get? etc...

I'm convinced that the fat acts as "insulation" between us and other people. We keep them at arms length by building a protective wall of fat around ourselves. As that wall comes down, all kinds of feelings that have been bottled up for years come out: anger, fear, memories of past hurts, etc. And all those feelings that we stuffed down with food start to bubble to the surface. Those feelings have to be dealt with, one at a time, or we will soon sabotage ourselves and return to the old, comfortable way of numbing ourselves with food.

Talkingmountain's post was excellent on how to deal with this fear. As the weight comes off you will have to manage these fears, and it's not something that can be postponed.

For the first time in my life, at the ripe old age of 62, I've been slim for a couple of years. And you know what? I've been fat and I've been thin, and thin is better.

Nettie

So maybe this fear is what pushes me into bad eating when someone notices that I have lost weight! I've recognized that pattern before but haven't really looked for the reason why. I enjoy the changes to my body, but I panic a bit when someone else notices. It feels safer to be sort of invisible.

Amy, Thank you for bringing this up. I have nothing to add but it is giving me something to think about. Anybody else with thoughts and/or experience please chime in because you will be helping countless people. And thank you for the insights from people who have answered and who will.

Interesting thoughts.... my hubby is very overweight, and to be honest if I am a bit overweight then we can commiserate together about weight, getting older, aches and pains. When I eat well, start losing weight and feeling better, then I think he feels worse as he sees me doing better. Not enough to change his eating habits mind you, but still I think there is an unspoken issue here. Everytime my weight gets down I end up eating the same SAD as he does and the weight piles right back on (along with migraines, hypertension, etc.)

Definitely some food for thought.

I am down to 235, which is an 80 lb. weight loss from my peak weight of 315 back in 1998. I am nearing uncharted territory since I haven't been below 230 lbs. since high school. Everybody is complimenting me on the weight loss and how good I look, and act shocked when I tell them I want to lose another 40 lbs. or quite possibly more. There's a part of me that wonders if they're right that I am too "extreme" at wanting to get down to 195 lbs. or less, but the fact is I'm about 6 feet tall. 195 lbs. is perfectly reasonable and not in the least extreme. I guess people just aren't used to seeing relatively thin, fit people.

Michael

It is extremely common for our loved ones to very subtly, sometimes unconsciously, sabotage our weight loss efforts. I'm not saying that's the case for you, but it's something to be aware of.

I think it makes people uncomfortable that we are somehow "leaving them" when we act differently than before. If we change, we make them embarrassed about their continuing down a destructive path. It's so much easier if we have a partner to overeat with.

So, they bring in the "bad" food, and, over time, when the dieter finally gives in to temptation and abandons the diet, peace reigns again and we're all happily eating and stuffing together and pretending all is well with us.

Nettie

My experience as a thin person--I'm 5'7" and about 120 pounds which is BMI of 19, but it's been as low as 18.5. I can tell you that people are suspicious and fearful of thinness. I get criticized by SAD eaters for being 'too thin.' So I don't think this is just an internal, personal hangup that people are struggling with but also a cultural one.

They like to say in the media that there's a worship of thinness in our culture but it's not true. Bulginess in the right places is MUCH more of interest, LOL. I think that size and heft makes people appear stronger, in their own minds as well as others'. Largeness (not the same thing as fat) is highly valued in our culture, as far as I can see.

People seem to view me as weak and ill-nourished which is their prejudice when they see a thin person. I have compensated by becoming quite fit, which makes me MUCH less self-conscious; in fact I'm rarely self-conscious at all any more. If you are happy with your strength and muscle tone, and like how you look in the mirror, you will exude a glow and confidence. You'll also be proud of your physical abilities and feel that your body is "right" because it can do all the things you want it to do.

So I would suggest that a fitness program (weights, T-Tapp, etc.) could really help, not for helping you to lose weight but for helping you to feel stronger, more self-sufficient and more confident.

AnnaS, that's a great suggestion! I haven't done Tae Bo for a long time, but I do remember that it made me feel like i could handle anything life dished out. Good thing I still have a VCR; I need to dig out those tapes and get back to it.

Amy - your message struck a sensitive chord in me. I've struggled with this too. I love watching Biggest Loser, and it took me a while to work out why (it's not the food they eat!!!! Although the Australian one this year has had low fat, and many meals of whole grains and legumes). What compells me is the stories - every single one of them has had some sort of experience that has made them afraid, of life, or of love, or of themselves. I can relate to them about their stories. They aren't gluttons, but frightened people, and I know I was (am???) one of them.

Every time I get close to my goal I binge, or I give in, or I stop exercising. What works for me is forgiving myself and re-focussing on my goal. I've been on this weight loss journey for 35 years, and I've finally realised that it's my health that matters. I try really hard not to focus on weight loss, but on what is going into my mouth. I have to focus and re-focus and keep telling myself how much better I feel than I did 10, 20 30 kilos ago. I kind of do an 'inventory' of me. How is my skin, how is my belly (the overhang used to make me cry), how clear are my eyes, how bloated do I feel? You, me, all of us are on a journey - with hills, cliffs and rocky roads (not the ice-cream kind!). We have to make sure our vehicle (body) is as well prepared as it can be.

I don't know if this helps - I find that replying to these posts often helps ME clarify what is happening to me. Thank you! Just be prepared for it to get tough, and be as realistic as you can be. Be kind to yourself too and recognise the wonder of how far you have already come. Honour that and celebrate how wonderful you really are. You can do this and there are lots of wonderful people on this board to help you through. But the best friend you have is yourself.

All the best - I'm really glad you raised this issue too. I hope you find what you need.

Roseanne

A great big THANK YOU to everyone who posted responses to my question. It is obviously an issue to lots of people. I got a couple of suggestions for reading material, but will keep looking also.

As I was reading the posts, and realizing that we all go through similar stages, I was reminded that I have often struggled with what I "deserve." Let's see if I can say it without sounding whiney:
In my young adult life, I would often settle for less, because that's what I "deserved". Really bad things happened to me, but I took it because I "deserved" it.
The beginning of the end (of this way of thinking) came when my second husband tried to buy me a beautiful ring for our anniversary. Well, obviously I didn't "deserve" it! It was too pretty for me! But he read my mind, said, "Yes, you DO deserve it!" and bought it for me!

So, my point is, I think part of me is saying, "You don't deserve good health and to be thin." I am going to have to fight that internal demon and realize that I do deserve it! WE ALL DO!

This is a tough subject........I feel like I am tearing a bandage off a wound. But it has to heal....... I think I may write more in my journal.....probably a more appropriate forum than here.

Thank you, fellow travelers on this path, for your words of wisdom and help. I agree that we help each other when we respond to someone's post. It helps sort out our own issues.

Namaste to ALL,
Amy in NH

Debbie-

Even though my pregnancies days are way behind me, I remember those days. I was one of the few people who loved wearing my maternity clothes AFTER my son was born! I hated giving them up. In fact, I just threw them out last year........my youngest is 30!
It's interesting that you can give a reason why you have trouble losing weight. You are a mother, and love being pregnant and nursing and providing for your babies. Who are you if you're not?
I just retired after 32 years of teaching. One of my mine concerns was: I am a teacher....who am I if I'm not teaching? I have had to find out. Doing McDougall has helped me find an exciting new road to travel.

As far as losing the weight before and then gaining it back.....I'll bet there are very few of us on here who this hasn't happened to. Most of us have lost a couple of hundred pounds over the course of our lives. I found out that, once you fall off the train, it's a lot harder to jump back on.

Give yourself a break. You are a young mom with young babies and you are nursing. Your body is still going through all sorts of hormonal stuff. Don't beat yourself up over trying to lose weight. Focus instead on eating in a healthy way, for you AND your little ones!

Be well,
Amy in NH

Yes oh yes, I do this too! It is so true that being "invisible" feels safer. It is hard to overcome the fear of having those insulating layers stripped away.