Friends and family members with health problems

[vegandrea]

Last week, one of our friends and neighbors died from pancreatic cancer. He was in his early 60s and diagnosed with it only 9 months ago (and it was already at stage 4). When our friend told my husband about his diagnosis, my husband tried to encourage him to adopt a whole foods, plant-based diet, but our friend didn't even want to discuss diet with my husband.

Another friend had a diagnosis of uterine cancer. She, too, didn't want to talk about diet. I sent her the name of a book I thought might help, saying in my email that I wasn't trying to tell her what to do but that I found the book helpful for other health conditions. She never responded to my email and I haven't heard from her since.

We've had other friends and family members develop cancer and other dietary-related diseases, too. I find myself feeling conflicted about helping them by telling them about this way of eating (whole foods, plant-based) because I don't want to offend them or lose them as friends. Yet as I see their inevitable deterioration, I get upset with myself for being so cowardly. And when they pass on I'm angry with myself for not having the courage to say something.

In general, I find that most people don't listen to me when I start talking about diet. I don't tend to bring up the subject, but when I'm asked about it, my answers are not taken seriously. I'm fairly well read on the subject, but I'm not able to articulate the information, I guess, or I'm not convincing. Even when they ask me about my diet, challenging me to explain how it can help protect me from serious illness, they bring up famous people who were supposedly vegan (but were vegetarian) and died of cancer or heart disease.

Some of you might say the best help I can offer comes from providing a good example, and I agree, but I'd like to learn some ways to approach people that are not offensive or patronizing.

[eXtremE]

About the only person I have ever talked to about eating like this has been my mother. She basically told me you eat the way you wish and I will eat the way I want. The irony is she has many things wrong with her that has been caused by a lifetime of eating SAD but she refuses to change. She told me no way she could eat the way I am eating.

I don't think there is very much you can do. People have to discover this WOE themselves and want to truly change. I even tried to trick my mother, LOL! I said to her try it for 3 months but you can not cheat. I told her what have you got to lose and that if her BP and cholesterol numbers did not improve any, I would give her 500 bucks and she could go back to eating like she wanted but she refused the bet.

[waingapu]

It really depends on the cancer or illness.
In many instances changing their diet will have little chance of altering the outcome.

In the pancreatic cancer for example. At stage 4, the outcome is in place. Why encourage a person to completely alter their way of eating when it will do nothing to alter their path. It may actually disturb them by making them feel they aren't doing everything they could be doing.

On the other hand for something like diabetes or heart disease your advice could be most beneficial.
However, even in that instance it may not be welcome and even if welcomed, most of the time it will not be followed.

Better to encourage people when they are healthy but trending in the wrong direction.
Appeal to their vanity. That is often more motivating than saving their life way out in the future.

[eXtremE]

Yeah, I agree. If someone had cancer, I would just be there for them emotionally and would support them no matter what lifestyle or food choices they made.

[JulieS]

If someone were to suggest that I stop this WOE and follow SAD, I wouldn't do it, so I don't expect others to give up SAD either just because I believe in it. In fact, when asked why I eat this way, I keep it simple: I want my cholesterol low and weight down. That's it.

[docscience]

I have really gone out of my way to talk to people about the heart disease problem. Turns out that several of the people i talked to, already had heart problems, like stints, or had a family member who had. It seems like word is getting around that I have really gotten into the diet switch. The worst ones are the people who believe in the government supported "food pyramid triangle of death" .

[applelettuce]

It is tough trying to share this information for many reasons. One reason is that most people are not interested at all in changing their diet; they are totally hooked on unhealthy addicting foods and will resist any idea that they should change that behavior, just like all addicts do.

Another reason, is why should they listen to you (or me, or anyone)? They just are not going to trust that you know what you are talking about. It is even worse if their doctor already told them diet has nothing to do with it, because they will likely trust their doctor's opinion over yours.

The best thing to do, in my opinion, when you hear about their diagnosis of heart disease or diabetes, for example, is to create a nice little "get well" package for them. Let's say you have a friend with diabetes. I would purchase Neal Barnard's book Program For Reversing Diabetes, Joel Furhman's book End of Diabetes, & Neal Barnard's DVD Tackling Diabetes with Neal Barnard. These are specifically aimed at diabetes but you can also include other materials that touch on diabetes like The Starch Solution and Forks Over Knives. Including DVDs in addition to books is great because I think it is easier to get someone to watch a DVD than read a book.

Then give them this bundle and tell them you love them or whatever. This way they will hear the information not from you, but from an authority on the subject. It will be much more clear, compelling, convincing, and so on when they get the information this way.

[vgpedlr]

I The worst ones are the people who believe in the government supported "food pyramid triangle of death" .

The food pyramid, now retired and replaced by "My Plate" was actually on target. It was a compromise surely, but it was also a big step in the right direction. The problem was nobody followed it, even in its compromised form. What people ACTUALLY eat is the opposite of the pyramid: All the limited foods at the top supply the bulk of the calories, and the base of healthy foods appear as occasional guilt assuagers.

[ParsleyPatch]

I don't tend to bring up the subject, but when I'm asked about it, my answers are not taken seriously. I'm fairly well read on the subject, but I'm not able to articulate the information, I guess, or I'm not convincing.

I have difficulty in this area, too, because I've spent many months reading so much material from all these doctors and have absorbed mountains of information. To try to impart the same information in a short conversation is not possible for me. To know what I know, a person would have to spend many months reading the same material I did! I struggle with it all the time and haven't found a solution yet.

[f1jim]

Everyone that follows this plan will eventually get their heart broken by trying to help someone they believe their advice may help. What you learn after a few of these wrenching episodes is that it must ALWAYS come from within. We cannot bestow good health or a longer life in anyone no matter how hard we want it for them. We can be available for advice when it's wanted but that's about it. If you haven't experienced this you haven't been following this plan long enough! It just might be the toughest aspect of this program.
f1jim

[babybuddha]

Thank you all for this sensitive discussion. I have enjoyed reading and am grateful for the sharing of this personal and private material.

Seems that many of us can relate and have personal experience, I do too. It was painful and confusing to witness suffering and hold information that could relieve the suffering.

For me I chose to support emotionally and to 'up' the visibility of my eating habits, always bringing my food when visiting and eating it publicly. No effect. I was primed to unleash a torrent of health advice but didnt get the chance to do so.

Am more of a peaceful warrior and want my health to be the shining example that will draw others who are ready and open to try something new. I get inspired listening to Dr Jameth Sheridan on this, who I think of as a mentor in that regard.

Deep compassion to all who are suffering, may all beings be happy.
Jennifer

[eXtremE]

People pay very little attention to food pyramids. Most adults simply eat what they like and what tastes good. If concerned WFPB eating parents are not successful with educating and convincing the the kids at home, you can hang it up. WFPB simply can not compete with the SAD foods in the brain. Most will grow up eating SAD and continue eating like this until they get sick and/or obese like most of the people in this group before they start to look for alternatives.

[shell-belle]

like baby buddah and other have mentioned - many of us can relate and have personal experience with this and it's painful and confusing to witness suffering and hold information that could relieve the suffering.

in the last 2 years 2 friends of ours have had heart attacks and another one went to the hospital with an attack
of diverticulitis. then a friend's brother got prostate cancer & i wondered who is next. then a former co-worker - age 64
was diagnosed with breast cancer [last summer] & i wondered who would be next. then a friend told me about her
2 bridge partners - one age 65 diagnosed with lung cancer & the other age 60 diagnosed with breast cancer.
and i wondered ok who would we be hearing about having cancer NEXT?
then last dec a friend's ex husband died of colon cancer. he was 74.

at the park last spring i saw the husband of a woman i used to see regularly.
she is now dead. i asked him about her as i had not seen her in months. he told me she died in dec of colon cancer.
she was only 49. my brother has gout. two other people i know are showing signs of dementia. i just learned a neighbor had
a recurrence of her breast cancer that she thought was "cured" 5 years ago. she is a heavy
cheese and milk consumer. my niece's boyfriend has psoriatic arthritis. a woman i know from the park is on statin drugs
and claims she can't change her way of eating bec she "has a busy social life".

it's very depressing. what are the priorities of these people? it sure isn't health.

[CarrotTopsRGreen]

I've been there too ... my co-worker has sjogren's disease. She had pneumonia last winter/spring and lost a lot of weight -- this was weight she did not have to lose, and now she is so thin her clothes are falling off her, so this is skinny-thin, not healthy-thin. She's tired all the time and has dark circles under her eyes. She really could use having her immunity system enhanced by healthy eating, but she and her husband raise grass-fed beef cattle and her husband is a hunter, so the suggestion to eat a plant-based diet would surely be met with a roll of the eyeballs. I am having lunch with her today and will be having my black beans and brown rice while she will order a salad with chicken on top and will believe she is eating healthfully. It's hard to stay quiet, but I have worked with her for years now and I know that I need to mind my own bizniz unless asked.

My sister keeps trying the Dukan diet, although it's just about impossible for her to stay on it for more than a few days at a time. I have learned through painful experience that my family believes I am a crackpot when it comes to diet, so all I can do there is be an example and hope that when they are ready, they will ask me for more information, which I will then gladly give.

[lilypad]

I have learned through painful experience that my family believes I am a crackpot when it comes to diet, so all I can do there is be an example and hope that when they are ready, they will ask me for more information, which I will then gladly give.

This is what bothers me the most, knowing that people think I'm crazy. I'm also starting to resent that people who are much more unhealthy and in need of this WOE are judging me. Health-wise, I am almost back to normal. But this WOE is going to be lifelong. I also don't like it being called a 'fat diet'. I refuse to use the 'd-word' to describe this.

My sister who is 280 lbs, is sick every other week, had a long course of steroids so has a very damaged immune system, thinks I'm an idiot for doing this. I've told her she'd have less sinus infections and chest infections if she gave up dairy, but she never would. I'm starting to lose sympathy. My parents are starting to 'get it' and not as hostile towards it now that they've read bits of The Starch Solution and seen the science behind it.