Star McDougaller tells all! Once it's off, it still takes care and vigilance!
New Day...It arrived, and I have been living it, sometimes fully successfully, sometimes in frustration. From 222.6, I got down to about 123, which I at one point never expected I would (132 being my old goal), but recently, since several long months of trouble and annoyance at work, about 7 pounds clung to me and have started to make me mad. I realized it was time to take my struggle semi-public, and go back in the journal online! Here are my private journal entries from the past few months:
March 5, 2013
Exercise: 20-25 m. of Gentle Wake-Up Yoga (interrupted and continued)
I have got to get back on track. I am going to start to day by listing everything that I eat, rather than vowing things to give up.
Handful of raisins (1/4 cup?)
1 cup oatmeal
1 cup applesauce
I donâ€™t know why I suddenly shot up again. By that I mean that I donâ€™t know why I have been stuffing myselfâ€”not stopping when Iâ€™m fullâ€”and having too much wine, too much bread and crackers, and too much dried fruit, and tastes of peanut butter.
What is that all about? Delayed stress reaction? I finally have an ED again and the pressure is slightly off, but life is still all about too much workâ€¦I really hate HR. Whine, whine, whine. Poor me. I am eating too much stuff! Stop it!
Exercise 30 m. of Slim Sculpt. In some ways, felt more strenuous and in other ways, more easy. Felt good, but makes me hate Ellen Barrett, â€śMy goal is to inspire.â€ť She does NOT inspire. Hate the Ballet refs.
Obviously didnâ€™t track my food. All cookies, scones, chocolates, etc. at Costco screamed at me, and in days past they never even registered on my consciousness. Sweet tooth much? Letâ€™s see, what else did I have on Tuesday? Leftover oatmeal? Really canâ€™t remember. For dinner, I hadâ€¦who knows, and half a bottle of wine, and 2 corn cakes and 10 Maryâ€™s Gone Crackers, and probably a handful of raisins at some time during the day. My â€śautomaticâ€ť meals have gone away, and I have to get back on track again.
What did I eat yesterday?
1 cup raw oatmeal, cooked, with blueberries, split at home and at work.
The last bit of sweet potato stew and rice, with ketchup
Â˝ slice of honey WW bread and an orange
2 c carrots
at homeâ€ť Âľ c refried bean mix and Âľ cup mixed vegs
Â˝ bottle of wine,
2 slices honey WW bread
Felt really slim and good, except for succumbing to the wine. So 130 was a disappointment and puzzlement.
Need a plan. Need to stop overeating to â€śhelpâ€ť DH feel better. Itâ€™s all in my head.
Got to plan. Maybe later.
No exercise. I hate set-the-clock-ahead day. Got up at 8 am after not going to bed until 12:45 am new time. Drinking mead at this very moment. Slowly, I hope. Had one piece of bread with lunch.
Joined in the March Weight Loss thread on McD. Will try to redeem myself.
Food yesterday? 2 cups barley with ÂĽ c raisins and 2 t. maple syrup (none of that measured, probably overestimated. Second breakfast was 1 cup Irish Oatmeal with a bit of salt. Lunch was 1/3 recipe of the creamed collard greens, over 1 or 2 cups of barley. Dinner was 3 slices of Daveâ€™s bread with jelly on each. I probably ate a banana too.
Today I had barley, 2 cups or so, with 1/3 cup blueberries and 2 t maple syrup. Lunch was potatoes and red cabbage with the raisins and applesauce. Iâ€™ve had 2 or 3 glasses of mead.
May 20, 2013
Took a pass on exercise in favor of sleeping in for Kat to leave later
Seem to be on a self-destructive path. Made great food for myself, but waited for T to be hungry to eat, then ate WAyyyyy beyond full, THEN toasted 2 pieces of bread and stuffed them down, even though I was full already. So too full for dinner, ate 1 cob of corn, then drank horrible rose wineâ€¦then some rice crackers, then the last of the dried mangoes. I seem like my old 222-pound self again. What is going on?
So . If itâ€™s all about the process for me, I need to get a process going again, and stop having life come at me by accident.
Breakfast: 1 c oatmeal 1 c. blueberries*
Lunch: 2 cups sweet potato veggie SNAP, baby carrots and tomatoes*
Dinner: 1 cup sweet potato veggie SNAP, 1 cup brown rice
May 21, 2013
Exercise: OMG!!! I finished the Walk and Jog DVD and Leslie told me that it would have been 2.5 miles! 33 Minutes! Now THATâ€™S what Iâ€™m talkinâ€™ about!
*OK, letâ€™s talk about yesterday. I kept stopping when I was not hungry. Actually I was never hungry, but I ate at scheduled meal times, and didnâ€™t finish anything. At work, I kept drinking water, tea, coffee (1 cup), and realized it was a nerve thing. I have to watch/observe/judge when I want to put something in my mouth, because it just feels like itâ€™s another task I have to be doing constantly.
I donâ€™t need to take any food to work today, because what I actually ate was probably: 1/3 of the oatmeal/blueberry thing, about 1 Â˝ cups of the SNAP, and no carrots/tomatoes, nor the apple I forgot to write down. At dinner I had a much smaller amount of rice than usual, and ditto the SNAP. I probably could have had less, but of course, I am a clean-plate-club member, and I need to watch that. Kudos to DH, who gave me his bowl because he was full, and kudos to me, who said, â€śOK, Iâ€™ll put it away!â€ť and did.
This morning I finished the Walk and Jog DVD for the first timeâ€”3rd time I approached it. Amazing, considering Iâ€™ve never done the 2-mile (well, maybe once or twice, but I canâ€™t remember).
If I can remain mindful of what Iâ€™m eating, I will probably have another 2/3 serving of oatmeal to take to workâ€”itâ€™s like I have a weekâ€™s worth of food there! I should have made less, and I should have remembered to use the thawed pineapple, but old habits die hard.
The 2-pound loss shows that I can stuff myself and shouldnâ€™t. I have to continue to observe. There isnâ€™t enough tension in this world that makes it worth regaining even 5 pounds! Obviously, all the troubles of last October â€“ February have taken their toll on me in terms of nervous tension eating, and this is going to stop now.
So. Here I am back again in my journal, and I am going to keep myself accountable to the community for at long as I can. I kept the same journal and re-titled it (I've done that twice now since I began) because I want as much of my journey all in one place. It does not "do" to forget where one came from! Exercise is still hard! I am still perfectly capable of stuffing myself to the gills and eating/drinking a few things I shouldn't! I can still overindulge my sweet tooth and stimulate it until it starts to control me! So I need to pay attention! (In my head, I hear a set of cheerleaders, saying, "Be aggressive! Be-ee aggressive!" but the cheer is "Pay attention! Pay-ay attention!") Let's see how I do today, this week, the rest of the month, and on into June!