Your post had sounded a bit panicky and scattered, and I could tell from your previous posts that you had it in you to get it together, and I was hoping to give you some places to lock into and hang on, to keep the world from spinning a bit too much. Does that make sense?
Yes, frozenveg, I was everything you sensed. I had my keyboard in my lap and was just typing to save myself from totally spinning out ... I was depressed and tired and despondant. I needed a focus, thank-you for being brave and extending a helping hand. I need this daily interaction to keep me coming back. Knowing I am not alone.
OK, so here is today and yesterday:
I cam home from work to my white bean soup. It was lifeless. I added about half rice and force fed myself. Then I added some speghetti sauce for flavor and it was almost enjoyable. I put the rest in a freezer bag, because I have a hard time throwing food out. I wanted to give myself a day to think it over. Well, it's going in the trash. If I dont like it, what is the point? Later that night I ate an apple while I did dishes and then sat down to wrap presents. Then whoosh, I was so tired I couldnt even motivate myself to wrap. As I focused more on the movie I got, I got up and got some tortilla chips, not the kind you bake in the oven. Probably fried in cottenseed oil or some awful cheap commodity oil. It's cornflour. It's only a few. Mmmmm....then my son opened a bag of BBQ potato chips. Can I have a few? Well, 3 bowls later....
Dinner was the usual Turkey and pie fare. I'm ok with all this. I am in a battle and right now, I have retreated, hiding in a dank smelly hole hoping the enemy wont find me. I know I am playing around with my convictions.
Pacificfords watched a movie recently, that I want to find: Healing Cancer From Inside Out. I would like to see that. The more information the better. I found out I can download Dr. McDougal radio broadcasts onto my mp3.
Life is very interesting. One day at a time, I am changing and I am going to be that person I was created to be.
Thanks for listening,