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Venting. I walked into the kitchen to find my wife frying chicken in one of my pans and frying onions and green peppers in oil in the other. I was going to say someting (again) but the attitude I get is bad and I think I'd rather consume microscopic carcinogens after washing than deal with it. I already bought my own set once. I suppose I could keep buying pans till she gets the message.

Brad,
I am really sorry for the situation you are in. I found myself in a similar medical situation, and my wife stepped up and was my champion in the kitchen. I always knew that she loved and cared about me, but I did not realize how much until I was diagnosed with heart disease. She was the one running out to get the books and re-learning how to cook. And if you had a chance to look at her before and after pictures, you would know how she benefitted too.http://www.drmcdougall.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=24750

I'm glad that you have a place to air your grievances here, but having to do so IMO shows that there are some serious problems in your marriage. Hopefully, she is just shell shocked by the diagnosis and having trouble adjusting. My own belief is that problems like this are best addressed between you two through some type of counseling since you seem to be at an impasse. I think it is bad for you medically as well as emotionally to be feeling that she is not behind you in this. This is life and death, sickness and health, and it is important that you know where she stands. If she is not going to be there for you, it is better to deal with it now than later. Best of luck. It is a tough problem.

SactoBob, you are right on. She is not shell shocked, but rather kind of 'you're making too big a deal of this'. I only have 50% blockage after all . She takes statins and thinks I should too (she is a nurse with all the medical stinky thinking). She thinks it is a phase and asks when I'll be eating normal again.

And yes you are right on, marital problems, many years of therapy. I have learned not to take her issues personally and have not blown up in a long time. Her predominate feature is very controlling.

It isn't my business . . . but you did bring it up so . . .

Why do you stay with her?? Trust me (and I know this from experience) one day you will wake up and realize that if you had left 10 years ago you would have had 10 years of a happier and healthier life. Don't do that to yourself!

Anyone who refuses to see serious health issues for what they are doesn't really care about you. I hate to say that bluntly like that, but it's just true. If you love someone you will do whatever it takes to help them return to health (even giving up -- -- chicken and oil!), and if you think about that, you'll realize it's true.

We all are students and teachers. Being above the conflict is a wise choice.
I'm not sure why you think you can't cook in those pans though except that it grosses you out.

Washed thoroughly, the pans should be just fine to use again for your food. When I switched to plant based, I didn't throw out all my kitchen stuff. I'd be heartbroken to throw out my great grandma's cast iron perfectly seasoned old battle scared pots and pans. They cook so evenly and I'm sure they've seen lots of meat and eggs in their time.

She might be thinking the same way about the pans and if they're cleaned properly it doesn't matter what's cooked in them.

SactoBob and I have the same fortunate experience in having a spouse that when my diagnosis of heart disease came in stepped up to the plate and became a huge factor in saving my life. Having some one to lean on and share this experience with is huge. I hope you are able to work things out and get your partner on board for the benefit of both of you.
f1jim

All I can say to what Jim says is Amen. It's good to know that whatever my wife and I encounter, we will to it together and can trust 100% in each other. There is nothing in life I know of that comes close to that.

I really hope that you can find the wisdom and energy to work out your problems and get to that place. And if you can't, I would wish you the courage to not settle for less, no matter the cost.

I'm sure she does see it that way and I would have too. Except I had read somewhere on this site that fats and oils ruin nonstick surfaces. So I did some research and bought 2 high quality nonstick frying pans and told her what they were for. Indeed, the fried chicken left permanent stains on the pan and it was a bear to get clean. I gave up and left it in the sink (I do the dishes) and she later scrubbed it for a long time, leaving it scratched as well as stained. Her comment was 'if this bothers you that much, I'll get my own pans'. I laughed. 'So you ruin my pans and you get the new ones?' I tried to cook on that one last night and my food stuck. But those are only the non-stick ones, I have no problem with the stainless steel ones and use them often.

But really, it is symptomatic of a bigger problem. A pan is a pan.

ETeSelle. Sactobob, and F1jim,

Thanks, food for thought. The support is definitely not there and the WOE problems are again, symptomatic. It has been a long struggle and a long story.

This site has been of inestimable value though and I am very appreciative. I stubbled upon 3 worksite vegans and we've had some great discussions about vegan vs plant based (McDougall). It was 'a moment' when one brought in vegan cupcakes and was taken aback when I politety said no. She was struggling with Triglycerides and hadn't made the connection.

Thanks again,
Relationally jealous in Tampa,

Brad

You would really leave a spouse over this sort of issue?

There have been plenty of times when my husband was disappointed with my eating, but he would never leave me. He is deeply committed to our marriage. His commitment is the foundation of our marriage. I can't tell you the healing that it has brought to my life, and the stability it gives our children.

I guess we are all different here in many ways, even though we share a belief in McDougalling.

I am glad that I am not the only one who was quite shocked to hear people giving advice that someone should leave their spouse because they dont want to eat the same way. Leaving someone over their food choices is really low. Although I am also divorced, I certainly would have had more respect for the institution of marriage than to leave my husband over food issues. Infidelity, that is a whole different ball of wax as was in my case.

Come on Brad, Jim, Bob, you are big boys. You need to cowboy up & not be dependent on your wives to cook your food for you. For the most part, the food is really is easy to cook. I think it is great that your wives do cook for you & seem to like it, but still not a reason why you can't do your own food. While I am sure that it is harder to McDougall when your favorite food is in the house, many have done it & are doing it. It isn't anyone's right to tell someone they can't eat this or that. That is their decision to make.

What makes you think I don't cook? I probably prepare 40% of the food in this household. But I'll be the first to admit my cooking doesn't hold a candle to my wife's cooking.
This subject was brought up previously. The idea of staying with someone that follows a horrible diet and is unwilling to at least make some compromises could be a deal breaker for some of us. I can see someone not willing to give up things but to not compromise is to not have a marriage. That is the definition of marriage and it takes two (2) to make it work. One cannot support the whole institution and call it a marriage. I would not have thought this 30 years ago but I now see the importance of being responsible enough to be concerned about your own health. If one cares so little they are willing to risk their life eating poorly while someone that cares for them is trying to help them I wonder just how much of a two way marriage you've got. Having had a life threatening illness I place an extremely high value on the partner one chooses and the role they play in helping when things go badly. Preparing for when things go badly is an important component to life as much as preparing for retirement. If my spouse blew every penny we made on something frivolous I would see that as endangering my future. I see eating yourself into chronic disease or death as just as irresponsible. I am sure that will anger a few people but that's the world through my eyes. Bless the people with enough sense of responsibility to look after themselves...for their own sake and the sake of their families that usually carry the burden if they are ill or dead. I wish a set of open eyes for the rest.
f1jim

This really has nothing to do with food and more to do with the lack of respect and lack of support that her husband is giving her. These can certainly become grounds for divorce unless changes are made and an understanding is reached. I can't possibly imagine going through a marriage where there seems to be contempt on the side of one individual, regardless what the apparent reason is. The source of this negative behavior needs to be found and dealt with in a positive way.

Edit: I just realized that I have the OP confused with Gramma Jackies thread. Still, the relevance is apparent with this couple . A lack of respect is very damaging to a marriage.

Marriage is a give & take but not always in every area. I can think of some areas my x & I never agreed on. There was no compromise. We just agreed to disagree & that did not contribute to our break up.

And you are assuming that any spouse that eats anything other than your idea of the "ideal" diet is eating an unhealthy diet. That might not be true, they might be perfectly healthy in their mind, eating a balance of meat, veggies, fruits, etc. No health problems, no weight problems. Just because they are eating what you might not think is right, doesn't mean they should have to give it up.

I am not saying that is right, but that's the way it is sometimes. I believe if you love someone enough to marry them, you stay with them thru good times & bad. There will always be things that people wont' compromise on. That's the way it is. Too many marriages end up in divorce, but to sit here & say you would lose the spouse because he/she does not comform to your food choices, well, sorry, I dont agree. And I have no idea if you cook or not, Jim, nor do I care, I was just pointing out that we dont have to be slaves to you all.

That's all I'm sayin about it & thank goodness I dont have to worry about it.

I guess I didn't realize people might leave a spouse if they didn't get diet support. As important as I think a low-fat, high-fiber vegan diet is, I can't imagine leaving my spouse over it.

I do remember a vegan saying he wouldn't have married his wife if she hadn't agreed to become a vegan. That was years ago but I still remember being stunned. Unconditional love should cover diet differences.

You know, Jim, I think you are right that we may all have to agree to disagree on this. For some people, marriage is a sacred commitment until death. For other people, it is not. I appreciate reading these posts because I would not have guessed that people would see things the way they do.

And forgive me, but I just have to ask: Does Dr. McDougall approve of people leaving their spouses because of diet differences?