Discussion Board

I'm just so tired of being stressed out all the time because the students that I teach at these online universities aren't prepared for their studies and blame me for it. They have no tact, no professionalism, are rude, entitlement-oriented, and whiney. I am tired of having to bow down to them and always be the one to be polite and professional even when they are blasting me because education to these places is a commodity and the student is the customer. I am not a salesperson and education is not something that "you get what you pay for". I have become very disillusioned about the work I've been doing in the last 3 years. At first I thought it was a dream job - being able to help students get their education by setting my own hours and my own schedule, working from home - what could be better? But I've come to see that education without face-to-face contact leaves much to be desired. I've also come to see that the accusations being made against these universities about what population of the country they are targeting and how they are only interested in getting students in the door and could care less whether these students actually wind up with a degree or succeed or not is in part true. I am not like some other instructors who think that these students should not be in college at all. I think they deserve that chance as much as those of us who were raised from day 1 to go to college. But they are so far behind that they need additional resources and help and their skill level is just not at the point of being able to benefit from the kind of independent learning that online college entails. You have to have a lot of discipline and a lot of willingness to put everything else aside to spend the time and effort to look up those resources and work on things. Many of these students imply can't or won't do this. They have too much going on in their lives.

At this point, I thought I would keep the one university that I have going for some extra income but now I'm not so sure it's really worth it. I feel as if my MA studies are taking me in a different direction, one where I might not even end up teaching very much (or doing private lessons if I do) and tackling a whole different population of students. So I almost feel as if I've outgrown what I'm doing (and it was pretty unstable and exploitative anyway) and it's more worth it for me to concentrate on my students at this point. Also, I'll be starting a teaching practicum in September as part of the program and that will be paying me a stipend so it won't be as if I won't be getting some money in. I have 4 more weeks (thank goodness!) until this horrible set of courses ends and then I accepted 2 more but for a course that is much more straight-forward (i.e., most of the assignments have only one answer so there is little for students to argue against). So I'll finish what I've committed to do and then we'll see.

Sorry to sound so down and nothing to do with McDougalling (although that's not entirely true, since being stressed has a lot to do with how I handle food). But I felt I had to get out some of my frustration and disillusionment.

This morning is a new day and this week's stress has got me thinking about my own goals. The last few days I've been writing in my novel in the evenings and I've really enjoyed it. It's gotten me back in touch with what really matters to me. Yesterday after my "rant" about my work, I wrote and it helped me to forget.

I know that one thing I need to start doing is taking care of myself, physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's very difficult for me because I was raised by a wonderful mother and an egotistical father (we're talking beyond just being selfish - we're talking the certifiable personality disorder type of egotism) so I observed at home how my mom always put his needs above her own (mainly to avoid conflict and also because it was easier for her to deal with life that way - I am happy to report that she has, since my dad retired, been standing up to him and taking time for her own things). I think this is one reason why I get so stressed. I am more worried about my students' needs than my own. While I don't want to get to the point where I don't give a damn whether the students pass or fail, I also don't want to forgo my own needs banging my head against the wall for them. There has to be a balance.

Diet-wise, I have been doing pretty good but not great. Like last night I had some cake and some coffee with a little milk in it. Today is a new day and a new approach. I am going to commit to be 100% McDougall compliant for one month (until my second blood test) and take it one month at a time. I think the idea of a lifetime commitment is overwhelming to me (the idea of it, not the actual fact of it). So taking it one month at a time might be a better approach.

I am also continuing to do some walking (from the bus stop to home in the evenings when I come home from school) and add an early morning walk as well as writing in the morning. And also focus on my studies, which are very important to me right now. I've also been reaching out to friends here in Israel so having some kind of social life again will be nice.

Today's menu:
Morning: oatmeal with a little soy milk, honey, and cinnamon
Afternoon: Frozen veggies microwaved with a little low-sodium veggie boullion for flavor (they have that here in Israel) and brown rice
Mid-Afternoon: baked chickpeas and grapes
Evening: mashed potatoes and a salad with corn
Night: All bran cereal (I like to munch on it as is, without any kind of milk ) and pumpernickle bread with jam

Despite the fact that the last week has been filled with stress and pressure (my mom had minor back surgery) and physical issues (an inflamation on the bottoms of my feet suddenly flared up to the point where I could barely walk up the stairs yesterday, I decided to weigh and measure myself, since it's been 2 weeks. Here are the results:

Weight: 178 ( ) - loss of 4 pounds
Bust: 45.5 (loss of 1/2 inch but it feels like more - when I lose inches, the bust is always the first to go )
Waist: 42 (-1 inch)
Hips: 45 (-2 inches)

I am stoked! I really didn't expect to get under the 180, especially since I had a few days of eating way off plan this week. I'm also very happy with the inches lost, though it's frustrating a bit, since I know I could have done even better if I had been able to exercise .

What this all tells me is that I need to keep doing what I'm doing because it's working. I think I've also finally found my niche in terms of a menu that works for me - tasty, filling, and easy to prepare with my crazy study and work schedule. It also tells me that, had I been 100% compliant in the past few weeks, I would have done much better. In 2 1/2 months time, I've lost 10 pounds. I am very very happy about that but there is also the nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I could have done better since I wasn't 100% compliant all the time and even had several days of eating junk food (not all day, but still...)

I am seeing myself getting better, though. My dad wanted me to take a croissant he bought yesterday but I said I didn't want it. I got a very weird reaction - he got annoyed, like he was offended that I wouldn't take it (my dad is obese with a bunch of health issues...)

Things are looking better too. My mom is out of the hospital and, although the last few days have been very painful for her, she was feeling much better last night. The past 2 days my swollen and itchy feet have come to the point where I could barely walk but my mom gave me some gel which I put yesterday and already my feet are much better. It's still frustrating that I can't exercise (I love to go for long walks) but it's better to let my feet heel.

Djuna

It's interesting how some situations can trigger knee-jerk reactions when it comes to food. I was looking through the TV schedule yesterday morning and saw that one of my favorite actresses (Bette Davis) was going to be on in a movie that I'd never seen ("All This And Heaven Too") and that it was a long movie. Right away, a little voice went off in my head: "junk food". This is because when I was living in San Francisco last year, just finding out that there was a good movie on would lead me to walk down to the supermarket at the corner and pick up some junk food and then gorge out the entire evening until I felt sick to my stomach.

But I stopped myself. I inspected my own feelings and thoughts and realized that I really didn't WANT junk food - I didn't feel like shleping down to the mini market down the street, buying cooking and chocolate or whatnot with the store keeper ogling me (in Israel, they do not hesitate to stare at you...) and then shleping it home and putting it away, not to mention the thought of going to bed feeling sick to my stomach and not being able to sleep with all the sugar and chocolate.

So I had my usual dinner and some healthy snacks in the evening. And I saw that I really didn't need all that junk food to enjoy the movie.

I think this is a very good sign, as a year ago I would have had no hesitation and no questioning of my behavior at all - it would just be a matter of getting my shoes on and going down to the supermarket and not looking anybody, especially the cashier, in the eye so that I wouldn't feel so embarrassed about buying so much junk food.

way to go it's great when you realize you don't really need the junk food to enjoy the movie isn't it. HUGS!!!

Way to go!! it is amazing how we can evolve in the process isn't it?? Congrats to that decision!

Weighed and measured myself today and here are the results:

Weight: 177.4 (lost 1.2 pounds - not bad for one week and being in total bloat mode because of PMS)
Bust: 45 (lost 0.5 inches)
Waist: 42 (stayed the same)
Hips: 44.5 (lost 0.5 inches)

For some reason, the measuring thing throws me off. This is the second time it's happened where I've done a first set of measurements in the morning, then looked at my previous week's measurements and saw that something was off, so took measurements again. For example, my first measurement of the waist was 43 but I saw I was 42 last time and I know, despite being in PMS bloat, I could not have gained an inch in a week. So retook the measurements and the second time it was 42.

I'm pretty happy with these results, especially considering I did next to nothing exercise this past week because of various physical issues (pain from blisters and rubbing on the bottoms of my feet, then, just as that was starting to heel, woke up with lower back ache that made me barely able to walk in the morning). It's so crappy not to be able to exercise, as I take early morning walks and I love them. Now, thank goodness my feet are nearly heeled (at least there is no pain in walking anymore) and my lower back is doing much much better. So I plan on getting back to my early morning walks tomorrow or Monday. I know that's going to help me physically and also help my weight loss.

Since my mom is still convalescing (in a way) because of her back surgery, she's had many friends and family visit her and many of them have brought a cake. So one of my mom's best friends came to visit last night. She's an excellent cook and baker, so I couldn't resist trying the cake she bought. It looks like some sort of yellow cake with a layer of gooey carmel stuff on the bottom. I actually only tried 2 bites of the cake part. Man, it was SWEEEEETTTTT!!!! And that's only the cake part - I didn't even try the carmel stuff. I know that several months ago, it wouldn't have been too sweet for me. But since McDougalling, the only real sweets that I eat are fruit and a little honey in my oatmeal and spread on my bread. For a self-professed sweetaholic who could eat a pile of cookies followed by a bakery muffin followed by chocolate followed by - well, you get the idea - and not bat an eye on the sugar, this is a huge (and very positive) change.

Djuna

HI Djuna!! Hey that cake does sound very sweet, and I know I would hardly have been able to resist it either! congrats on the only 2 bites of it.
You are doing great and I love your family storylines too.
You sound very wise to me!!
Good luck with the regular plan.
Have a great day!!

Yeah eating this way definitely changes the taste buds in a good way.

I have been sick for the last 2 days with some kind of flu . But I did manage to weigh and measure myself today:

Weight: 176.4 (-1 pound)
Bust: 44.5 (-0.5 inches)
Waist: 41.5: (-0.5 inches)
Hips: 44 (-0.5 inches)

My weight loss has been going very slowly (since I haven't weighed myself in 2 weeks, this is an average of 1/2 pound per week) but so far in the last 3 1/2 months, I have not had a week of gaining or staying the same, so even if I lose 1/2 a pound a week consistently, I will be very happy. I'm also very happy I'm losing inches. Any loss is good.

I think I figured out why I've been having so many problems with measurements. When I measure the first time around, I don't do it in front of a mirror. Today, I did the second measurements in front of a mirror and made sure that the tape measure was even around the circumference of my body. So I think the measurements have been skewed the first time around because I can't see whether the line of the tape measure all around my body is even. That means from now on, I have to measure myself in front of a mirror to get more accurate results .

Djuna

Congratulations on the wt loss and the inches lost. taht is so wonderful. Bask in the glory of that and hope you are feeling better too. The flu is no fun at all!

Seriously... I woke up this morning feeling very agitated and a little depressed and now I just feel very depressed. I'm not even quite sure why. I tried doing some exercise just now (Leslie Sansone) and it did help a bit but not as much as I was hoping.

I'm trying to analyze why I feel this way. I've been in Israel almost a year. The summer semester of my program ended a few weeks ago. I have a lot of papers due, but I'm getting things done, despite having some commitments as well as the holiday season (here in Israel it's a big holiday season with Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Succot all within the time span of 3 weeks).

But the program I'm in hasn't been going smoothly at all and I even considered earlier backing out of it, taking what money I can, and leaving. Then I decided I was going to stick it out (it ends next July, so we're talking less than a year) and get what I could out of it, as the issues came up with only one part of the program (but what I consider to be the most important part).

Now I am back to considering just backing out. But it's not so much because of the program but because I feel just so tired of reinventing myself. I am 41 years old and I feel as if I haven't yet found my place and have changed careers, entered and exited programs several times already. At first I thought it was something totally screwed with me that I can't finish anything but this isn't true. I finished and enjoyed very much the master's program I did several years ago and that gave me a career in teaching. True, I do not have the quintessential "full time professor job where you work your ass off in the hopes of getting tenure so that you can get lazy with your coursework prep in favor of putting all of your energy to 'publishing or perishing'" (OK, certainly not all tenure professors get lazy with their coursework prep and do manage to make very interesting courses even when they're more interested in research, but some really don't - I've had one this past semester!)

But the truth is, I've figured out that I don't WANT that kind of job. I like adjuncting. It's supposed to be the most exploitative, lowest paying, bottom-of-the-barrel type of education job that there is and everyone is supposed to hate it. It does have many drawbacks, but I like being able to teach for several different universities, have the freedom to accept or reject a course if I want to, and be forced to always be on my feet and be creative with my courses because if I'm not, I could be thrown out on my ass.

But I've also found out in the last year or so how much teaching online is not a career (or at least a career for me). I enjoy teaching a few courses online for online universities, but I also miss the classroom contact.

But what was going through my mind today with this depression is this: I'm 41 years old and although I'm enjoying my studies now for the most part, I'm about to go into a lot of challenges (because of a teaching practicum that's starting up in the fall). My instinct now is to chuck it all, move back to Texas where the cost of living is cheap and where I know the town and liked it for the most part (though was dreadfully alone) and continue with my online teaching in a way that is reasonable and not too overwhelming. I would still have some ability to save a little money. Then I have the apartment in SF that is being rented out and the rent is covering the mortgage. So what's stopping me from waiting it out in Texas for the 7 or 8 years that it will take for the mortgage to get paid off and then coming back to SF? At that point, I will have no rent but just a small sum to pay each month to the city and my bills have always been very low (and with McDougall, they are actually even lower). Then I could drop even more of my teaching jobs and just teach a few courses and have some savings and finally be able to rest my bones somewhere, reading and writing and seeing the city.

Of course I know it's not that easy. Leaving now would mean pulling out of the program (at a financial loss), getting to SF, getting my stuff out of storage, getting to Texas, finding an apartment, and moving in, not to mention finding more work as an instructor, since right now I dropped it down to just one school because of my studies.

I just don't know what to do... I'm so tired...

Wow.DJ you have a lot on your plate.If you continued to do what you are doing now would that help you and others when you return to the states? Sorry you are going thru this. Happy Rosh Hashanah, and your Holy days. RAS

DJ, hope the sky is looking a bit brighter for you.
and happy New year too. I used to keep the Feast of the Tabernacles and had such a good time too.