Thanks for checking in Raven, and for your empathy.
I had a hard day today. i felt very tired which frustrated me because I was feeling better yesterday. I was fighting to get my daily work done.
I didn't have the energy to run, but I did get in a really nice long walk with my husband this evening which was great.
Food was very difficult, but I am overall pleased with the choices I made. I felt hungry this afternoon and ate, felt very full after but kind of wanted more food. I didn't want to stuff myself more because my belly already felt distended and bloated (partially from lots of food, partially as a remnant of the gluten poisoning still) and I had to go to work. So, I thought I'd go to work, be distracted and forget about the craving...I was sure i had eaten enough to meet my body's needs.
As soon as I finished work (and even somewhat while I was working), all i could think of was 'food'!! I really tried to convince myself to avoid eating more because I felt I shouldn't be needing more.
On the way home, I went to the grocery store to get a few things we were out of. I was doing battle in my mind the whole time: "I want to eat", "no, you don't need more, you already probably ate way too much already", "you're getting fat on yams and veggies and fruit! stop eating!", "maybe I'll just buy some food I want so I can feel satisfied", "may as well just go and mess up everything i've done this whole week"...
I almost bought gluten free, vegan cookies, raw nuts, corn tortillas....calorie-dense foods which would satisfy me, but foods that I knew would inflame my intestines and skin again.
I've been totally free from all of these inflammatory foods for 8 days now and I didn't want to mess up, reverse, or slow the healing I've experienced in my body. Every time I eat even a bit of inflammatory food, i pay for it for days or weeks.
So, I finally decided to avoid all of the inflammatory foods that I was being tempted to eat, and I promised myself I could eat all i wanted to when I got home.
And I did eat. I ate tons of fruit, veggies, and quinoa. I ate until I was stuffed and wished I didn't need to, but i was finally satisfied.
I expressed my frustration to my husband when he got home...I said I hated myself, I felt so stuffed and crazy, and that I avoided the inflammatory foods. And he cheered. He said I did great in feeding my body good foods and in avoiding the ones that hurt me. He is an amazing man. Just what I needed
I am realizing that the reason I almost gave in and ate the inflammatory foods today was because I was trying so hard to avoid eating more food at all. I really think I thought that if I ate more food, any food, that i would have 'failed'. I feel fat, bloated, over-filled, and like I am eating so so so many calories right now. I only get hungry once per day because every time I eat, I eat so much food in order to feel satisfied. I try breaking this cycle by eating less, but I just eventually end up eating more to feel satisfied and so I can stop thinking of food. I'm sure this weird-o eating cycle has a lot to do with the gluten poisoning I'm recovering from, and also possibly from being underweight. Still hard to accept though...
I have learned a lesson from this. Right now, the priority is cleaning up my body and eating only the foods that will help me and heal me. I know what those foods are and I know I need to stick with those foods only. I *cannot* also try to in any way restrict my intake. When I start telling myself to avoid eating more, or to stop eating before I'm satisfied, I set myself up to feel deprived, and maybe even genuinely hungry and I risk eating inflammatory foods in a fit of panic.
So, I am trying very hard to have only one goal right now: eat only my non-inflammatory whole foods; to control the "what" of my eating, not the "how much".
If that means bingeing on veggies, fruit, quinoa, and yams right now, so be it. It's more important that I'm eating the right foods than it is that I'm controlling the amounts.
I am hoping my appetite for food will also regulate itself as my system continues to heal and I regain energy and possibly weight.
I came very close to falling off the cliff today, but I hung on tight and realized what I need to do to ensure that I'm not walking so close to the edge anymore. I need to allow myself to eat freely of my safe foods!
Phew, hard day...hopefully lesson learned.