Discussion Board

Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura? Anyway you aren't going to be able to confront grandma with out hurt feelings, period. But you already knew that.

The big issue I see is asking the children to lie to you. That is not cool. How often is grandma babysitting or was it just a thing you needed for the surgery. If she watches them alot, then find another sitter and spend time with grandma doing visits and park days etc. If it was a one time thing where she really doesn't babysit often, drop it but keep up your guard so to speak. Basically, seasoned citizens are going to do whatever they see fit whether you confront them or not. And you'll just get everything all stirred up in the drama dept.

Just so you don't feel so bad, my mother in law drives my nieces and nephew around even though she's been in two accidents because of driving while on ambein. My sister in law is oblivious! Needless to say, she doesn't drive my kids, but I don't make a big deal out of it. I just do the driving when the situation call for it.

Did you ask the girls if they got a stomach ache?

Oh dear! How difficult. And so unfair to put a child in that position, among other things. (!)

The only thing I can think of beyond the obvious solutions of not allowing her to feed the kids is re-iterating to her that it is very divisive and disrespectful of her to feed them not okay food in secret, and also undermines your parental authority.

But to avoid a fight, perhaps you could open up a discussion on WHY she felt like giving them yogurt is a good idea. Take it away from a "how could you" and start it with a "I am interested to hear why you felt a need to do such a sneaky thing because I am sure you have a reason. Let's discuss it." instead. And talk about the position it put your oldest in, for a fresh perspective.

It seems possible that she has a reason beyond not respecting your views on food. Maybe she is worried about their health?

Anyway, that is giving her the benefit of the doubt, and I have never met your MIL so I have no real idea of her general character. I hope it works out well for you.

Maybe also try opening up a discussion with your kids about it. They probably feel guilty about on both sides and it might help them feel better.

Good Luck. This story is my nightmare.

With the kids, I would explain to them that it is *never* okay if someone asks them to keep a secret from Mommy. Never. This is what abusers do -- not that your MIL is an abuser, but teaching children this lesson will be an important defense against abusers, if that should ever be an issue.

As for your MIL, I think you need to decide whether you trust her enough to leave her alone with your kids. If you do, then maybe let her know that yogurt is not okay, lying is not okay, and asking the children to keep a secret is not okay. Maybe get her side of the story, too (not that it makes a difference, but she will feel heard). If you don't trust her anymore, then make other arrangements for childcare.

My experience is that the more people who care for a child, the more this comes up. Everybody wants to feed them sugary things, so that they (the children) will like them (the adults), or animal products, so that they will get all this great nutrition that they are supposedly missing. It is very frustrating. I can't control what other people do when I'm not around. But I can have a discussion with my daughter afterward about how that food was not very healthy.

Good luck.

I think the only time it's okay to keep a secret is if the family is throwing mom a surprise party or it's a special thing for mommy that the gifter doesn't want mom to know about until it's sprung on her.

It can be hard for small children to distinguish what is okay and what isn't.

Your MIL and my MIL should get together and have a bitch session about their unreasonable, stupid, dangerously ignorant DIL.

I'll let you know when and if I ever figure out how to deal with it. In the meantime, yeah, I'd just stay low key and acknowledge that you have different beliefs about nutrition, but that you are the mother and that you need to know that your principles will be followed. And raise the issue of putting children in such a terrible position.

Oh, wow. I would be so upset.

If I were in your shoes, I would focus my efforts on talking with your oldest daughter about the lying/deceit issue and steer clear of your MIL. I think your DH should talk to her, not you.

Next time she comes over, you could have a pack of those little Stonyfield O'soy yogurts in the fridge and say "I know you like yogurt, so I got some for you to share with the girls." I tend to get a little passive aggressive like that. Then, if your DH ends up not talking to her, at least she would know that you know what happened and did not approve of her choice of cow's milk yogurt.

How old is your MIL? I told mine that we are testing our 3 year for nut allergies as we have a reason to believe that she may be allergic and I leave her at my MIL's house for 2 hours and she feeds her peanut cookies!

Anyway...Older people can be hard to deal with sometimes, perhaps because even though they appear perfectly functional they may not be all there. Imagine yourself, in 30 years from now and your daughter perhaps adopts high protein diet based diet with her family. Then she leaves her kids with you for a week. Will you feed them yams or any other starch? Even a byte? If you talk to her, be gentle, but if you were me, you would avoid asking her for favors because obviously she can't be trusted. Good luck.

Well, I loved my MIL but she would feed my children just anything and everything. I finally decided that I would just let it go when they were with her. She knew I didn't approve of giving them cookies all the time but would do it anyway and I just ignored it. Now asking a child to lie is a whole different issue and she should be ashamed of herself.

Now I am a 63 year old grandmother and my grandkids have to tolerate my preaching to them about sodas and junk food. I would never dream of feeding them junk. Some people just don't get it when it comes to raising healthy children.