Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Postby Letha.. » Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:07 am

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes."

"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling."

"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff."

"Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do."

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."

"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."

"I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story."

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend."

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."

"I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it."

"I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!"

"If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone."

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."

"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."

"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."

"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have."

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."

"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."

"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

"Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."

"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll standup and go, “Hey, I'm Vine Man.”"

"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
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It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
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Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Postby Vegankit » Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:24 am

:lol: , I've never heard of Jack Handey - so I googled him. It turns out he's well known - who knew?

Thanks for posting this Letha.
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Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Postby Lexell » Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:45 pm

Thanks for that. I'm still laughing.
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Re: Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Postby Faith in DC » Wed Mar 31, 2010 1:02 pm

I always loved Jack Handy quotes, and half the time had to really think to figure them out.
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