Digging out from under

[kkrichar]

I've been thinking about starting a new journal recently. I went back and forth. Part of me feels like I should stick with the old journal because my goal is still the same. I want to be free from the obsession with food. I want to use food for sustenance rather than to fill a bottomless spiritual hole. That hasn't changed. However, the old journal is long. Currently, it's a record of someone trying and failing at this WOE for nearly 2 years. It's 32 pages of "I hate myself. I have to do something. Why is this so hard?" to "I'm totally on plan now! This is it for me. It's different this time." To "I'm back again. I've gained 17 pounds. Why is this so hard?" I know the journal is just for me. It's a record of my journey. But, sometimes you need to start new.

I've been reading Tammy's journal today and it is a page turner. She's doing so well and it is fueling my enthusiasm. One thing she said early on that jumped out at me is that she had been around the forums long enough to see Star McDougallers come in, go through their whole weight loss and become Star McDougallers while she was still in the same spot. That is me exactly. I got my 9 year sobriety chip at an AA meeting recently. There were several people there who mentioned they remembered when I first came in and that they had not stayed sober but I did. They felt bad but were also encouraged that it can be done if they keep trying. I'm on the other side of the fence with food. I know how it feels to see other people doing the exact thing I'm doing and they are successful and I'm not. Year after year, new people come in and pass me up and all I can do is wonder why. I don't know if that's an answer I'll ever have. I just want the trend to end with regard to food. I did it with alcohol. Other people have done it with food. I can change what and how I eat for good.

I don't plan to do a daily count in this journal but I will today to mark the beginning of my new effort.

Day 1: 184

Breakfast: oatmeal with bluberries and banana
Lunch: stir fry, homemade hummus with zucchini and yellow squash
Dinner: potato pizza

Activity: walked the mile to my assigned parking spot
run after work

Here's a link to my old journal if anyone is in a good mood and doesn't want to be anymore:
viewtopic.php?f=21&t=27137#p270353


Here's to digging out from under the weight of past failures and disappointments. Just do it.

[JT of PA]

.

Kelly,

Looking forward to reading the next part of your journey.

You're going to do it. You have to, you're helping me with mine.

All the best,
John

.

[JT of PA]

Currently, it's a record of someone trying and failing at this WOE for nearly 2 years. It's 32 pages of "I hate myself. I have to do something. Why is this so hard?" to "I'm totally on plan now! This is it for me. It's different this time." To "I'm back again. I've gained 17 pounds. Why is this so hard?" I know the journal is just for me. It's a record of my journey. But, sometimes you need to start new.

Kelly,

I'm glad your out of the "I hate myself" journal and can start afresh. I'm still in the "I hate myself" stage and have a ways more in that journey. I look forward to the day I'm ready to start my new journal, the "I like myself" one.

Me and the Mrs. are so happy your doing this and will read your new journal; I will continue to go back and read your old journal as it's helped me SO MUCH this year and continues to.

Thank you,
John

[Lizzy_F]

Kelly, I can always relate to what you say and I share so many of the same struggles. I look forward to following your fresh journal. I too believe we will eventually get this if we never stop trying!

[Tammy]

Kelly,

I am happy to hear that my journal has fueled your enthusiasm! No person's journey is a perfect process but if we allow what we know to be true about this WOE guide us we are on the path to success. I love the graphic that shows success as a squiggly line since that is how real people find success. We must learn from our mistakes without dwelling on them. I can totally relate to your frustrations.

I wish you the best in this fresh start!

[kkrichar]

Thank you to everyone who stopped by my new journal. I'm very enthusiastic right now. I had thoughts of stopping for a vegan scone on my way to work this morning but I resisted. I didn't want to sully my new journal on day 2.

Breakfast: sweet potatoes with mashed banana and cinnamon
Lunch: stir fry
Snack: grapes
Dinner: hmmm, not sure yet. I might still have some potatoes cooked up for potato pizza in the fridge.

No run tonight.

My run last night was SO much better than my run Wednesday night. The weather was gorgeous and I just felt better. Both runs were comfortable pace. I did a 3 minute run/1 minute walk on both. Same route (except I added .75 miles last night at the end). I ended up running about 30 seconds per mile faster last night than the night before. I have a 5K race on Sunday so I won't run tonight or tomorrow. My legs like 2 days off before races.

I have a party to go to tonight. It's kind of a potluck where I am expected to bring something. A couple close friends, who know about my issues with food, will be there. One of the friends is in OA and has been very successful. Ego, alone, should prevent me from eating something I shouldn't in front of someone who is successfully abstaining. The only thing is that she doesn't follow the same food plan I do and she can eat things I can't. On the other hand, I think it's pretty clear that garbage is out no matter what your plan is. So, it's not like I could pile some double-chocolate-heroin fluff onto my plate and convine anyone it's on plan. The question is should I bring a dish to the party? I think I'd rather eat before I go and then bring nothing. If I bring nothing I will feel like I shouldn't eat anything since I didn't contribute. It's probably best if I don't eat anything. That way I don't need to have any conversations in my head about what is OK and what isn't. I won't be far from home (literally about 3 blocks from my house) so if I feel uncomfortable or vulnerable I can just leave. It will also be good for me to socialize without food. I will know a lot of people there and should be able to spend time talking without thinking about food and which things can I eat and which things can I sneak and which things will cause people to say something if I eat it and so on. If I can't hang out with friends for 45 minutes without nose-diving into a plate of CRAP then I need help.

OK then. I guess that's the plan. Go home from work. Eat dinner. Head to the party. Chat for 30-45 minutes. Run home quickly and hide for the rest of the night. I think I can do it.

[Lizzy_F]

Hi Kelly. I hope the party went well last night!

[kkrichar]

Hi Lizzy, it was just fine. I didn't eat anything at the party. I stayed for 1 hour! Right before I left I saw someone eating some chicken. I thought it was a cinnamon roll! I decided I had entered the hallucinatory part of the evening and it was time to go. I really wanted the cinnamon roll.

When I got home I made some popcorn. I bought one of those spray thingies to add a light mist of soy sauce on the popcorn. It was good. I don't mind it totally plain but I was craving salt. I was really hungry last night for some reason. I had the planned potato pizza for dinner, then, shortly before I needed to leave for the party, I felt hungry again. I just got a shipment of McDougall Right Foods Chinese Noodle Cups. I'd never had them before so decided to bust one out. It was tasty. It was enough to get me through the party but I was hungry again when I got home. Hence, the popcorn.

I need to plan my meals for today and hit the grocery store if necessary. Maybe I'll just report tomorrow what I eat today.

OK, here's some personal stuff since I love a good over-share. I'm a federal employee but was not furloughed or required to work without pay during the government shutdown. I work in research and our budget is a little different. I thought I was totally free and clear but last week I found out I was one of a handful of researchers whose budget runs out November 17th. Everyone else was paid from a budget that had been approved through 2014 but not me. I really didn't think we'd go past the October 17th before re-opening the government but I was a little worried. This made me reflect on my relationship with money and condition of my savings account. Essentially, I could live about a day and half on what's in my savings account. This is, in part, due to irresponsible spending. As anyone can see from my relationship with food, alcohol and cigarettes I want things often and I say "no" to myself less often. I need to grow up. I need to stop looking for something I can buy with a nickel every time I have a nickel. Fortunately, this WOE can be very inexpensive.

I attended the McDougall Advanced Study Weekend in September and Ellen Jaffe Jones did a cooking demonstration. I have her book, "Eating Vegan on $4 a Day." I don't know if I'm quite ready to challenge myself to hit a specific number. Especially since I'm still early in my SAD recovery (day 3!). I don't want to add stress 'cuz we all know how I deal with stress. But, this whole potential-no-income deal reminded me of how easy it would be to save some money if I just followed this WOE. I buy my brown rice, oats, dry beans and spices from an Amish grocery store not far from my town. I bought some crazy cheap barley and have seen several barley recipes on the McDougall Friends Facebook page recently. I completely forgot I even had the barley and I really love it. How quickly we forget when we're in the throws of Double Stuf Oreos and vegan cinnamon rolls.

Anyhoo, I have not been to the grocery store in the past 3 days. I have been eating the food I have at home (which is quite a bit). I just picked a bunch of green tomatoes from my plants since it might freeze this weekend. I can eat those as they ripen for awhile. I have salsa I canned from my tomatoes last month. I also have sweet corn in the freezer from the Farmer's Market. I also have several bags of frozen peppers and onions, peas and cauliflower to make SNAP. I eat bananas every morning in my oatmeal but I also have a bunch of frozen bananas. I've never tried using those but I bet it would be fine. Thanks to the great blueberry famine of the past few months I don't have any in the freezer. Those are super expensive right now. But, if I make good choices where I can I can afford a few splurges here and there.

Oooh, that reminds me, I have all the ingredients for the calabacitas recipe in Ellen Jaffe Jones' cookbook. I think I'll have that for lunch today with my homemade salsa.

I have a 5K race tomorrow!! I'm glad I'm feeling a little better. TMI WARNING: My TOM is about to start but hasn't yet. Meanwhile, since my food hasn't been great my PMS is back. Not bad for the most part but I have painful breast tenderness. I'm also a DDD cup size. So, running + DDD + tenderness = OUCHY!! Not looking forward to that but definitely looking forward to losing that problem now that I'm back on plan.

I'll be back tomorrow.

[dlee]

Hi Lizzy, it was just fine. I didn't eat anything at the party. I stayed for 1 hour! Right before I left I saw someone eating some chicken. I thought it was a cinnamon roll! I decided I had entered the hallucinatory part of the evening and it was time to go. I really wanted the cinnamon roll.

When I got home I made some popcorn. I bought one of those spray thingies to add a light mist of soy sauce on the popcorn. It was good. I don't mind it totally plain but I was craving salt. I was really hungry last night for some reason. I had the planned potato pizza for dinner, then, shortly before I needed to leave for the party, I felt hungry again. I just got a shipment of McDougall Right Foods Chinese Noodle Cups. I'd never had them before so decided to bust one out. It was tasty. It was enough to get me through the party but I was hungry again when I got home. Hence, the popcorn.

I need to plan my meals for today and hit the grocery store if necessary. Maybe I'll just report tomorrow what I eat today.

OK, here's some personal stuff since I love a good over-share. I'm a federal employee but was not furloughed or required to work without pay during the government shutdown. I work in research and our budget is a little different. I thought I was totally free and clear but last week I found out I was one of a handful of researchers whose budget runs out November 17th. Everyone else was paid from a budget that had been approved through 2014 but not me. I really didn't think we'd go past the October 17th before re-opening the government but I was a little worried. This made me reflect on my relationship with money and condition of my savings account. Essentially, I could live about a day and half on what's in my savings account. This is, in part, due to irresponsible spending. As anyone can see from my relationship with food, alcohol and cigarettes I want things often and I say "no" to myself less often. I need to grow up. I need to stop looking for something I can buy with a nickel every time I have a nickel. Fortunately, this WOE can be very inexpensive.

I attended the McDougall Advanced Study Weekend in September and Ellen Jaffe Jones did a cooking demonstration. I have her book, "Eating Vegan on $4 a Day." I don't know if I'm quite ready to challenge myself to hit a specific number. Especially since I'm still early in my SAD recovery (day 3!). I don't want to add stress 'cuz we all know how I deal with stress. But, this whole potential-no-income deal reminded me of how easy it would be to save some money if I just followed this WOE. I buy my brown rice, oats, dry beans and spices from an Amish grocery store not far from my town. I bought some crazy cheap barley and have seen several barley recipes on the McDougall Friends Facebook page recently. I completely forgot I even had the barley and I really love it. How quickly we forget when we're in the throws of Double Stuf Oreos and vegan cinnamon rolls.

Anyhoo, I have not been to the grocery store in the past 3 days. I have been eating the food I have at home (which is quite a bit). I just picked a bunch of green tomatoes from my plants since it might freeze this weekend. I can eat those as they ripen for awhile. I have salsa I canned from my tomatoes last month. I also have sweet corn in the freezer from the Farmer's Market. I also have several bags of frozen peppers and onions, peas and cauliflower to make SNAP. I eat bananas every morning in my oatmeal but I also have a bunch of frozen bananas. I've never tried using those but I bet it would be fine. Thanks to the great blueberry famine of the past few months I don't have any in the freezer. Those are super expensive right now. But, if I make good choices where I can I can afford a few splurges here and there.

Oooh, that reminds me, I have all the ingredients for the calabacitas recipe in Ellen Jaffe Jones' cookbook. I think I'll have that for lunch today with my homemade salsa.


I'll be back tomorrow.

Great read and sounds like you have a lot of positive energy to make a difference I like your new journal. Could you briefly describe the Calabacita Soup. Sounds like Ellens book is 1 I should get. Where I live in Mexico I'm sure I could do the $4 a day with lots of fresh veggies. I spend about $10 a week at our Tues. market and come home with arm loads of veggies and fruit! Dlee

[kkrichar]

Just poking my head in super quick before my race. Dlee, thanks! The calabacitas recipe is for a burrito stuffing. You could definitely make soup out of it or you could serve it over rice. Here's Ellen on YouTube showing you how to make it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Kwy3e_WMMc

It is 38 degrees and, as usual, I'm wondering why I signed up for this race. I could be under 10 layers of blankets and comforters snuggling with my kitties right now! Good thing I agreed to meet friends at a specific time. I can't always be trusted to show up if I'm the only one who'll be disappointed (working on that too). On a positive note, I've dropped 4.4 pounds since starting my new journal so I'll be carrying a little less weight around with me during the race. I had a feeling my 7.2 pound weight increase in 2 weeks was more than fat. So, whew. My TOM still hasn't started so I have the "girls" strapped tight with 2, yes TWO, running bras. Sigh.

Wish me luck! May I complete this race without injury. Oh, and let's not forget my 3 goals for every race: 1) No being lifted off the course by medical personnel, 2) finish, and 3) don't $hi# down my leg.

OK, gotta go find my toe tag (just to be safe)!


Auf Wiedersehen! I'll stop by later to tell y'all how it went.

[Peach]

Good luck on the 5K! I hope you make your goals Seriously though, I've seen both #1 and #3 happen to people and that must be really awful, both injuring and embarrassing yourself...

(I had to convert 38°F to Celsius, and yes, it sounds quite cold especially when you actually have to get outside and run. It's already well below 30 and it isn't even winter yet, I wonder how I will survive when it gets even colder in November and December. I'm staying under my blankets.)

[Lizzy_F]

Good luck in the race Kelly! And congrats on the weight loss since starting your new journal and new chapter in your journey!

I can relate to the spending issues. That's another recovery area I'm working on.

Good to hear the MdD cup was good. I have a few in my pantry to try when I'm short on time. Might be this week with all the school insanity going on!!

I hope something comes through so your job is safe.

[kkrichar]

I survived!! The 5K was great. Several friends ran it with me and I did as well as I expected to do. I ran 31:00. The first race of the year (March) was 31:13. Soooo, you can see how much improvement comes from feeding my body garbage half the time and carrying around 50 extra pounds. My next race will be in March or April of 2014. I would like today to be my last over-weight race. I run consistently and have no desire to add more miles. When I do I get injured. I think the weight is too much for my tendons and joints to lug around at high mileage. So, I plan to keep doing what I've been doing through the winter. If I follow the McDougall plan I should have no problem being below 25 BMI (25 pounds to lose) 5 months from now. I'd like to see the difference just changing my weight makes.

Meanwhile, I want to enjoy living today. I plan to watch scary movies with my cat on my lap in front of the fireplace. It was chilly out there this morning and I'm glad to be back in the house. I need to decide my menu for tomorrow and put it together.

Yesterday was one of those days where I could not stop eating. I won't even try to categorize the food by meals because it was just one long graze all day. So, here's what I had:

oatmeal with blueberries and banana
2 calabacita burritos
potatoes and gravy
BBQ baked beans
popcorn with soy sauce sprayed on
Lara Bar
toast (Ezekiel bread) with honey and cinnamon

I think I need a nap and a hot bath.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[Tammy]

Congrats on the race time!

[kkrichar]

Thanks Tammy.

I'm sick today and feeling sorry for myself. I was a little nervous yesterday when I had trouble breathing before and after the race. By the time I went to bed last night my voice was gone. I guess 4 days on the McDougall plan does not make me immune to colds and flu. Sniff. I had meetings with 2 people this week (one on Friday) with people who were sick. It's a huge pet peeve of mine when people go to work sick and spread this crap around. I have asthma and this kind of illness tends to drag on. It's really hard to run when you can't breathe. Grrrr....

Yesterday I had potato pizza and bean and barley soup.

Here's the recipe for the soup. I got it from Debbie. It's really good. I'll be eating a lot of it today.

"1 cup dry pinto beans
•2 cups chopped onion
•1 cup chopped celery
•1 cup chopped carrot
•2 bay leaves
•1 Tablespoon dried marjoram
•1 Tablespoon Italian herbs
•1 Tablespoon poultry seasoning
•4 cups vegetable broth
•5 cups water
•½ cup uncooked hulled barley (substitute pearl barley or brown rice, if desired)
•½ cup fresh parsley, finely minced
•salt and pepper to taste
•Bottled hot sauce (Optional: let guests add it to their soup if they find the soup too bland.)

Soak beans overnight. Water sauté the veggies until just cooked. Add the other ingredients except for the parsley and cook for 2.5 hours or until the beans are done.

I used a pressure cooker, follow directions above but cook under pressure for 8 minutes and let pressure come down naturally.

The barley will continue to absorb water. Once the soup in the picture sat for another hour before serving, it was much thicker.

You can use any other whole intact grain, but I love barely for its chewy texture."

No run today. I may stop in to whine later.