Discussion Board

Hi,

I just wanted to say I'm so glad I found your journal. I am just starting out too and it sounds like we're pretty much in the same boat. I really want to kick my food demons but I know it will be diffacult. I'll deffinetly be following your progress and who knows maybe we'll both win the battle together. Anyways good luck and congrats on your first and second day.

Audrey

Hey Julia,

I was worried about you. I'm glad you came back!! Don't worry about responding to everyone--you don't have too and we will all understand. You posting is enough. Keep on keepin on

Thanks, Robin! This is an excellent point, and one I'll try to remember as I go along. I know perfectly well that I'm also that kind of person--or, rather, my cravings are THOSE kinds of cravings--that if I have a little, I'll want a lot and the whole detox process will have to start over. Ugh. Who wants that??

Stick with me, Audrey, and we can try to slingshot each other to the goal line. It's wonderful and inspiring to read about others who have overcome and achieved their goals, but it's just as helpful to find others out there who are exactly where I am in this process. I'm glad you found me, and now I found you.

Thanks, Boots! I had a feeling you'd understand.

JuliaG, your honesty and courage ingave me the boost I needed today. Thank you! [Betcha you didnt know that you were supporting others as much as getting supported ]

Ha! As a matter of fact, I didn't, but knowing that makes my day. Thank you.

I made it four whole days before I fell off the wagon again. Coincidentally, the fall-off happened a day or two before I was scheduled to go on vacation. I told myself why bother? We were going to Berkeley Springs, West Virginia where organic food is not in plentiful supply, so if I couldn't do it all or nothing, I'd choose nothing and enjoy my vacation to the fullest.

I know how much like an addict I sound when I say things like that. It reminds me of an alcoholic friend of mine. She loves vacations. Couldn't care less where she goes, or who with, so long as she gets to call it a vacation. That word--vacation--is her shield and armor against all of us who love her and hate to see her drink herself into oblivion night after night. She's defensive about her drinking to begin with, but when she's on vacation she's an outright tiger defending her tallboy cubs when someone so much as hints that maybe she should slow down. To an addict, anything that doesn't break the law is permissible while on vacation.

That's how I was this past week. I knew I was going away, had time off, was on vacation, so my food choices slid right back down to boxed mac & cheese, canned raviolis and Fruit Loops. Ironically, it all tasted slightly like shit. I was stunned. These were some of my favorite, comfort go-to foods and I found myself staring at my neon orange Kraft pasta like it was radioactive, wondering why it tasted so bad. I used the same milk I always had and even in podunk West Virginia the blue Kraft box is the same as the kind I buy in my local Giant. I couldn't believe my taste buds had turned on me so quickly. I'd only been diligent about the plan for the previous four days.

Yet, it remained true throughout the three days I was away. The Fruit Loops seared my tongue with its sharp sugary bite and weird saccharine-like aftertaste. The Cheetos tasted like individual saltlicks. The only thing that didn’t taste bad were the Oreos.

I came home Sunday and headed straight for Whole Foods. I spent a third of the food budget on fresh vegetables and fruit. I went home and tried a recipe for crock pot risotto. The first batch failed but the second turned out pretty good. I added roasted asparagus and carrots and munched on corn on the cob while I waited for the risotto. My wife felt the same relief I did. Left home alone, she and our teenaged son had indulged themselves, too (though neither is the least bit overweight). Chipotle, Chinese food—anything I don’t like to eat, they ate while I was away. My wife, especially, was grateful for a home-cooked meal that didn’t make her feel like crap as soon as she ate it.

So today I’m back on track. I’ll see how it goes. Those pizza cravings can be brutal, especially on Friday after work. I feel like one of those old cartoon characters, like the pizza steam takes the form of a hand and reaches out to drag me to it by the nose. It’s damn near irresistible.

But, hey, it’s only Monday so I’ll worry about that later. Today’s line-up:

FOOD:

Oatmeal with blueberries from my garden (A+)
Whole wheat pasta with oil-free sauce (A) (I’d mark it A+ if it wasn’t pasta.)
Big veggie salad with fat-free, oil-free dressing (A+)
Grapes (A+)
Kashi granola bar (B)
Oreos (C)
Dinner is TBD, probably leftover risotto

EXERCISE:

90-minute hot yoga (what’s above an A+??)

This is all part of the process of saying "goodbye" to the dear old friends you've loved for so long. Keep this in mind. You're learning to say goodbye. You're learning to let go. You're learning that they've held you down for too long and that they cannot satisfy you like they used to. You're learning to move on. Allow yourself to grieve for your old friends and it will speed the day you're "okay" with them being forever in your past.
You're doing great! Keep it up!

-Norm

There is a line of Dr. McDougall Right Foods soups, noodle dishes, rice pilafs and oatmeal available at www.rightfoods.com. They are perfect to take on vacation, buisness trips and camping. All you need is hot water. They're kind of high in sodium, so I save them for when I'm away from my kitchen. When you're ready to look for a solution instead of an excuse, give them a try. I don't mean this as an insult - we've all justified our bad decisions with the excuse that it's a holiday, or a vacation, or a birthday, etc. It's called being human. In the meantime, just keep on journalling and learning from your mistakes. We've all been through what you're going through now. I once gained 7 pounds in one week on an Alaskan cruise .

Kate

JuliaG, what's important about your post is that you looked your behavior squarely in the eye, unflinchingly assessed your mistakes, and made plans for how to avoid them in the future.

That's the kind of action that will lead to real change.

I’ve not been on here a while, mostly due to laziness. When I thought about it, I figured, “Eh, I don’t got much to talk about. I’m pretty much in the same place as before.”

But then I figured that wasn’t fair. I started this journal-blog (jog?) for the express purpose of chronicling my journey from unhealthy fat girl to starch-based, plant-centric, vegan (and hopefully healthy) girl. That includes the good, the plain and the lazy moments.

So, here’s my update:

I have begun to keep a pretty airtight record of what I eat, including total volume weight and calorie count. I was curious, you see, to know exactly how many calories I was pounding down my yap on an average daily basis, along with how much volume I needed. The volume part was a steadier number than I ever thought it would be. I figured there was no way I would need the same amount of food every day, but I apparently do. That magick number is 4 pounds, give or take a quarter pound. As for the calories…ugh, the calories. Would you like to know the number? It might make you die a little inside, like it did me.

6,000.

I triple-checked it, and it remained the same. Actually, it remained higher than 6,000 but I decided to round down in an effort to not vomit every time I see it.

6,000 calories every day. I can safely say it: no wonder I’m fat. I can’t blame my extra 90 pounds on a faulty gland or my thyroid or even my sedentary job. In fact, it’s a fucking miracle that I’m not twice or three times the weight I am now. I have no idea how I’ve managed to do this to my poor body all these years, but that number has succeeded in scaring me enough to make macaroni and cheese look not quite as delicious as it did before.

On another page of this food log—thank you, Excel spreadsheets—I’m also tracking my gym time. Oddly, I love the gym once I’ve dragged my carcass there. I prefer early mornings, around 6:30 a.m., so that I can get in a full hour of sweating before taking a long, cool shower and getting dressed for work. Our office building recently renovated to include a lovely little fitness room, which has just enough of the workout mainstays that I was able to cancel my regular (unused) gym membership. I shower, dress and hop on the elevator and, voila!, I’m at my desk in no time. I’ve gone three days this week so far, plus 2-3 times each of the past few weeks. I’m hoping to keep it at 5 days a week, or at least the days I’m here in the office. Vacation days are vacation days, damn it. Gym days mean I burn anywhere from 400-600 extra calories. Not bad, if I do say so.

On the food front, I’ve been slowly but steadily replacing my old friends with new ones. Oatmeal and fruit in the mornings, something starch-centric with veggies for lunch. Dinners are the hardest and I often fall off the wagon then, but I’m still a baby at this, working hard to become a full-fledged veggie-head. Or starch-head. As Norm said so perfectly, I'm still learning to say goodbye to my dear old friends. It's harder than it looks.

My total average calorie count right now is close to 2,000 including those off-the-wagon dinners, but when I add in my gym time, I don’t cringe quite so much. My goal is to get my calories down to 1,500 and still get in some decent cardio and weight training. I’m at 212 pounds right now, which is exactly where I’ve been for pretty much forever. I'd love to see that number go down soon, even just a tiny bit.

Until next time, peace out and keep eatin’ green.

Thank you, talkingmountain and Katydid! I appreciate the backup.

Norm, as always, you hit it right on the head. Thanks for understanding and putting it better than I could.

It is harder than it looks for many of us. The standard approach is to just do it... which only a small fraction of people are capable of doing. Those who can just scratch their heads and figure the rest of us really don't want to do it or aren't willing to try. Tell them that you can't do it all at once and need time... and... well.. we know what they'll tell you. I'm still waiting for some of them to say it appears I'm doing exactly what they said was impossible to do!
Your precious mac & cheese doesn't look quite the same to you because you've started the process of saying goodbye to it. You'll mourn it's departure from your life just as much as you'd mourn an actual person... that is how important food is to us. Follow through, because at the end of the grieving process is the letting go... once you reach that point Mac and Cheese will never again have a hold on you unless you intentionally choose to let it.

I was at a BBQ last Saturday and for lack of anywhere else to sit I sat at the dessert table. I might as well have sat there with ex-wives, girlfriends, and friends I've let go over the years... I could see and smell all the delights that used to bring me pleasure, but I sat there with a smile on my face because I was so totally over them that I could sit among them and chat and smile and genuinely be happy not needing/wanting them. How often do I read here about people in similar situations loathing themselves for having caved in under similar circumstances? Those people will continue this same struggle over and over again because they've not gone through the grieving process of saying goodbye to those foods.

One day your Mac and Cheese will not only look less appealing, it'll taste less appealing, and one day, maybe soon... maybe today... you'll be ready to say goodbye forever.

Keep it up! You're headed in the right direction!

-Norm

Keep making those changes, Julia. Those "old friends" are actually frenemies. Think of them as the mean girl in high school who always found a way to insult you with a compliment.

Norm, I love your description of sitting at the dessert table! I want to reach that head space too, hopefully soon. Oh and I just checked out your blog. It's great and the progress you've made is nothing less than amazing!