Discussion Board

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate it. I am sticking pretty ok to it, you're both right. And it is nice to fall back onto that stability.

Well I sure have been a mess...with the breakup, my ex has been acting out, which has made me emotionally overeat a little (not too badly)...but also binge smoke. SMOKE. Ugh. Once an addict, always an addict. And of course, because of this I have not been running this week. Like a big ol' dummy putz.

Needless to say, I already bought a box of patches today. They're how I quit before. I won't let myself off that easily.

What a journey. WHAT A JOURNEY.

I continue to learn through it all.

I will say though my body feel like one hot mess since I decided to pick up that ugly cig. Down it goes, back on the patch, back to feeling clean.

Well I decided to start journaling again, figured it'd be good for me to stick close to the board.

I'm not smoking any more so bully for me! It's been a while. I knew I wouldn't fully relapse but at the same time any amount of smoking is horrible, obviously.

However, my junk eating has been a bit out of control. I know what's motivating it. So I just have to buckle down.

I'm starting a Mary's Mini again today, starting with lunch (didn't prepare for breakfast and was running out the door so ate a clif bar). I'm going to do brown rice since that's what I have! My weight is NOT good, it's 118.2 (I know it's not awful, but I was lower and felt much better and the 118.2 was caused by unhealthiness). I'm also a bit terrified, I have to be in my underwear in a show (which means three times a week. eesh) that I'm in so I'm going to up the exercise some, started running again this week. Sometimes being an actress calls for this! Which is fine. But it definitely forces you to deal with body insecurities face on. Which I'm not doing face on. I'm doing it by going home and eating ice cream and then feeling guilty when I wake up. Hahaha ridiculous. Gotta laugh otherwise you just wallow in being mad and sad at yourself.

And THEN you gotta PLAN!

Sending out positive energy to everybody on the board!

Here we go! Another Mary's Mini. I love doing Mary's Minis. I think they are incredibly effective and encourage any and everybody to give it a shot! I've done potatoes before but the thought of another potato Mary's Mini was just a bit much. And, well, besides, I've already got a ton of brown rice! I tend to do a kind of mix with MWL and the regular plan, just because I'd probably go bonkers otherwise. Yesterday was day 1.

Day 1 (118.2 pounds)
Breakfast:
1 cup brown rice plus salsa

Lunch:
1 cup brown rice
1/3 beans
corn
salsa

Dinner:
1 cup brown rice
1/3 cup beans
kale
corn
peanut sauce that my roommate made (I know, fatty, but no oil was added and I'm someone who tends to add and be fine with occasional plant fats such as nuts or avocado. It's not a regular occurence but it does not affect my weight loss or maintenance.)

Dessert:
eden soy chocolate pudding (there's no oil in this! Not MWL I'm sure but yummy and a great treat)

Day 2 (116.8 pounds--I'm guessing the 1.4 loss was due to me dropping some time of the month water weight)
Breakfast:
brown rice with salsa

Lunch:
1 cup brown rice
1/3 beans
corn
kale
salsa

Snacks: Pretzel Crisps (regular plan...counted them out, ate these yesterday too, but really I should haul my butt to the grocery store to get some fruit instead. Would be much healthier. I'll probably have to wait til this weekend though sadly, two full time jobs going on...)
Dinner and other things to be posted soon!

So Day 3 was a bit wonky. Weight = 115.8

Did brown rice for breakfast, but was then out all day so I believe it was white rice at lunch with sadly a coconut milk based sauce on top (man I'm dating made it--very fatty but at least no oil was added), and white rice at dinner in the form of sushi (kappa and avocado). Along with a vegan protein bar before rehearsal since I didn't get to actually EAT the sushi until about 10:30 PM at night. Thus I believe that causes the bit of the spike this morning to 116.6. It does help to record, because looking at the above there was just too much plant fat, and the processed food in the form of 1) a vegan protein bar and 2) a 110 cal soy pudding (oil free but still processed) probably did not help. So today we're lightening the plant-fat load and I made a big ol' pot of brown rice this morning and will be able to eat that today at work and before rehearsal.

Day 4 (116.6)

Now I normally don't advocate weighing one's self everyday, or at least, I don't advocate RECORDING it, especially for women since our weight fluctuates so frequently. I record once a week, on Wednesdays, which means I'll count my loss judged by 115.8. Eating should be MUCH more normal today. I just record it in my journal when I do a Mary's Mini because it helps me to see the progress especially, since it's a more targeted diet.

Breakfast
1 cup brown rice with salsa

Lunch
1 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup fat free refried beans, salsa and frozen kale

Dinner
Lunch
1 cup brown rice, 1/2 cup fat free refried beans, salsa and frozen kale

I did some crunches this morning and some plies (ballet squats essentially) and will probably do the Insanity tape after work.

Hrrrmmm...was up a bit again this morning. Still down from the original start weight. But I'm not too sure what's going on. I'm wondering if I'm eating too many beans. Quite possibly.

SO! Today no beans at lunch! Also I'm wondering if the sodium content had anything to do with it cuz there's a ton of salt in canned refried beans, even if they are fat free. Duh.

Day 5 (117.2)
Breakfast:
brown rice + braggs

Lunch:
brown rice + kale + braggs

Well, we're starting on Day 1 again but changing to potatoes. For some reason my body does not respond to brown rice in the same way it responds to potatoes and I haven't been budging. I had that initial drop and then it's been creeping back on. SO back to my trusty loved potato. I've got red ones for the next few days. It is a good thing to learn. I feel like brown rice was just too dense and not fully satisfying enough, along with the fact that I think I wanted to use beans too much with rice and salty things. So when one thing doesn't work, we try another!

Happy Monday all!

Day 2 Red Potatoes (115.

Well I dropped IMMEDIATELY down again after one day on potatoes. Again, weight fluctuates, especially with women, and tomorrow's my weigh-in day so that will be the kicker. I will say all day I felt much cleaner and lighter. My stomach was flatter, I had more energy, and this is in comparison to the brown rice Mini. It seems to me that a potato Mary's Mini is MUCH more effective for my body than brown rice. Brown rice feels heavier yet is not as satiating to me as potatoes are. Interesting.

I've also at some point gotta start weaning off the coffee again. It's incredibly difficult to maintain steady energy with theatre at night after a full time day job, I'm so exhausted in the morning and I know that if I don't have ANY caffeine I will be a mess. At the same time, I am definitely prone to anxiety so it's either feel like a horrible zombie or be relatively alert for most of the morning but have low grade to rampant anxiety (usually just low grade, I've been pretty good about keeping my coffee amount at a very specific level).

I'm already an anxious person, but I also believe the heightened anxiety, at least this morning and yesterday, is definitely situational. I'm getting together with an ex-boyfriend tomorrow night to just catch up and it's the first time we'll have seen each other since the break up (3 months ago). Meanwhile, that MORNing, I will be parting with a gentleman that I've been dating for a bit who is moving to Germany, effectively ending THAT relationship too. A lot of losses this year. I'm happy, and am steadily progressing in my theatre career this year which is great. But dating-wise my life is just a huge ball of mess, and honestly I know that this has contributed to not just the anxiety but my difficulty in avoiding dealing with my emotions by abusing food in some manner, and when I do that i just feel sick. I'm getting better everyday though And McDougalling sure does help.

Sending out positive energy and thoughts to all of you today!

EDIT: Eesh. They bought us lunch at work and bought me a vegan wrap and I ate it. I mean, it was delicious. And it didn't taste too oily. Or not even really oily at all? I'm really sensitive to oils. But I wouldn't be surprised if there WAS oil in it. So today's a calorie counting day just to play it safe. I looked up the vegan wrap online. High caloric content but breakfast was really light, and dinner will be too. It'll be ok. No reason to sabotage the rest of the day over oil anxiety.

UGH Gooooood Morning.

Day 3 (115.6 lbs)

Well I am going on 3 hours of sleep. It is a long story. Too tired to share. It involved a gentlemen, his lost phone, his birthday, etc. Eek.

I did want to share one thing that was interesting about yesterday however.

I was feeling very very anxious and sad after my rehearsal. I was also surprisingly kinda hungry, even though calorically my day was pretty full due to the vegan wrap that I had at lunch. And thus I was trying to be really careful. Though I felt myself kinda teetering on the brink later.

The point is, when I got home from rehearsal at 10:30 I found myself with 1.5 hours until I had to pick up said gentleman, and felt very near to noshing on bad foods that my roommates had left sitting out (apple crisp, corn muffins). And then I remembered Dr. McDougall's one article on volume eating, which talked about how if you really want to emotionally eat, eat potatoes, because you'll still get the (I believe it's serotonin) spike from the carbohydrates but no fat, and yes, it may slow down or stall your weight loss but at least you won't be doing really horrible damage to your insides. I felt pretty in danger (was thinking about ice cream at the 7-11...eek) so I did not wait for the potatoes but instead took some brown rice out of the fridge and topped it cold with hummus and salsa. I ate too much hummus yesterday BUT I am glad that even though I shouldn't have tried to self-medicate, at least I reached for the McDougall foods. I'm not sure what I would have done if I wasn't picking up my friend later and didn't want to feel sick to my stomach and gassy/etc. But luckily I don't have to know. I do need to work on my coping skills though, that much is apparent. But I have to keep my eye on the prize. A) I DEFinitely need to start doing some toning exercises but B) in a coupla weeks I'm going to be on stage in my underwears. Now, at 115, I shouldn't be too terrified of that...I guess? But being in front of an audience in your underwear is definitely not normal, so I think any sane person would be nervous. Especially under all those lights...

I suppose I should look at it as liberating HAHAHA. Oh good lordy in Heaven, what we do for theatre.

Other part of the story, still on red potatoes and doing great. Will probably be doing this for the next 3 weeks. Cheers! Or trying to anyways

Today is Day 5! 116.2

I'm up a bit, but not a lot. I recorded my weight loss in the group forum in MWL as 115.6, a loss of .2, because I record FOR REAL on Wednesdays.

I must continue to be accountable and honest. Seems I can go a few days with a stellar Mary's Mini eating record, and then one night will do me in. I know I'm in a really crazy place emotionally...but I am mad at myself for giving myself so many excuses to eat junk. And they can range really from literally anything: My weight is healthy and I look pretty good so why not? I'll start again tomorrow. Why don't I just accept myself for once as is...BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Point is, what it REALLY boils down to, is NOT ABOUT WEIGHT. It is about how I FEEL, and it's about that morning after really poor decisions. I am a masochist and a self-saboteur, and I've known this for years. It really is the pleasure trap, isn't it? You know what though? Rather than continue to beat myself up I'm JUST GOING TO KEEP GOING. And I really am going to try to keep learning from these times. It's not a willpower issue. It's a very conscious decision that I will go and purchase crap to eat. Plain and simple. And if that means that anybody reading this journal thinks to themselves geez she lets herself fall off the wagon a lot, well a) it's true but b) so be it! I want this to be a lifestyle, I want to feel good when I wake up, and I want to find ways of coping.

I started using the cronometer to keep track of EVERYTHING I'm eating. I like it so far! To be perfectly honest I just find it kinda boring to post on here 3 meals of potatoes + vegetables, although of course if somebody asks me what a daily food intake looks like for me, I'd be more than willing to provide, including grams/ounces! Cuz that part is important for me. If I don't weigh, I overeat.

Take care all!

Maybe I should start journalling everyday? I don't know. It's very difficult for me to fess up to how I mess up on here. I've really been struggling with my depression and anxiety issues, which results in abusing food sometimes. Staying vegetarian when I do but obviously that doesn't mean anything. And I suppose also for me a much better goal rather than dropping I don't know two pounds at this point (well maybe four--yes I think four) is just to treat my depression and anxiety through this diet. Because at this point in the game it's not even a concern about weight. It's never really been. It's really just a concern about how I'm feeling, but I think dropping a couple pounds, which BMI wise isn't even necessary, just felt like a nice goal to have for myself--or rather, it was NICE to have a GOAL. And I'm not going to lie, I feel jealous of people on the board who say that this diet reduces depression symptoms. SOMEtimes it helps and relieves symptoms, don't get me wrong, but it has yet to do that for me consistently even when sticking as close to MWL as possible (usually I just do regular plan, or a Mini when I need it).

Bah. Honesty. I've been struggling this week. I think it's safe to attribute it to hormones + an overwhelming schedule. Emotionally I feel horrible. I'm always fine during the day but after doing a full day of work then spending myself on rehearsal and knowing that I have to do it again the next day...which is awful! I LOVE acting and it makes me so happy. I'm just so overextended.

Sorry for being a grumpy gus to whoever reads this. I just feel at a loss. Sigh. It'll get better.

Hello! I thought I'd post about my opinions so far on the "Shrink Yourself" program that Chef AJ recommends. I'm only on Day 2, but if anybody has read my journal, you'll see that I struggle very much with emotional eating and that it affects my sleep and general feelings of well-being. Not to mention going up and down five pounds frequently gets a bit irritating.

I'd have to say that so far, and I'm only on the first week mind you, I'm pretty hopeful as to this actually helping me conquer my emotional eating. It really guides you through the process and gives you a way to look at everything in a new and fuller light. I've been through counseling before because I've struggled with eating disorders since high school (anorexia, bulimia, just plain ol' bingeing), and some of the counselors recommendations were similar to this program EXCEPT that I feel like this program is so much more detailed so far! It's like it takes the counselor's advice and then backs it up times a million.

I'll let you guys know how it goes but like I said, so far I am impressed and hopeful.

Good Morning all!

Just trying to keep a record of what I'm eating because my weight is steadily creeping back up. I'm still in the ideal BMI range, but I like to be lower than I am currently, so let's figure it out! Tomorrow is my OFFICIAL way in day, not today, so I'll update my ticker again tomorrow, but I did today as well just because I like to be honest with myself.

Breakfast:
40g dry oatmeal + 1 packet truvia + 1 serving PB2 (this is a defatted peanut product. It IS processed. I've typically never had trouble with nuts before, but this might be something I need to keep my eye on!)

Lunch:
vegan wrap from Freshii, provided by office...i did not taste an oil or dressing on it so fingers crossed it wasn't there

Dinner:
1 cup brown rice
frozen kale
frozen corn
salsa
1 apple

After Show Snack:
potato with hummus + salsa
Health Starts Here chocolate brownie (about half)

There won't be any traditional exercise tonight (I'm starting to exercise again, haven't been at all for a few months) but I am performing which is definitely exercise in my open. Not intensive exercise, but work nonetheless.

I'm still working on the Shrink Yourself program. It's still Week 1, they take it really slowly, but my opinion of it is still good. I'm interested to see what comes next.

Good Morning all!

Had a positive official weigh in this morning which was good, and a great show last night!

Breakfast:
clif bar

Lunch:
potato
frozen vegetables
BBQ sauce
baby carrots
1 serving pretzel crisps (no oil, on the mcdougall regular plan list--processed like the clif bar)

Dinner:
brown rice
salsa
frozen kale
hummus

I had a good moment last night, when I was eating the HSH brownie. I realized that I was full...I kept eating it for a little bit, but then threw away the last bite. Small but little victory.

Opening Night for me! Cheers!

Well, I pigged out last night on vegetarian junk food. Sigh. I'm not TOO upset I guess, I was starving after my opening night, and I feel pretty ok today (other than being exhausted from the show). I'm not going to beat myself up, but I'm also working to prevent these episodes.

I went through the Hunger Coach this morning from the Shrink Yourself program to really think why I let myself eat like that, and it was very helpful. I'm only in Week 1, I start the next guided session tomorrow, but I really feel as though I'm laying the foundation for healthier behavior, and that is exciting.

Breakfast
clif bar
coffee with soy milk

Lunch
potato
frozen kale
BBQ sauce
1 serving pretzel crisps

Dinner
brown rice
frozen kale
salsa
hummus

Dessert:
banana ice cream (just frozen bananas! Yum!) sprinkled with 1 serving of PB2

...vodka cocktail. COULD. NOT. SLEEP.