I have just made it to the other side of a horrific failure. This past two weeks I started eating some of my old comfort foods. It started a little before that with a bite here or there, then a meal here or there and ended with a couple days of semi-SAD eating. I slipped a few healthy things in.
The beauty of this particular failure is that I learned more than I ever have about myself. I can look back on the past 7 months that I have been doing so well on a plant based diet (regular McDougall Plan). I have cured disease, stopped all medications, got rid of all symptoms and feel incredibly good. Ironic that my weight has not changed one bit in the past 7 months. It is not because of cheating, but because I was adding peanut butter on a regular basis along with avocados and sunflower seeds.
So, this brings me to my recent "aha" moment. It was more like a wake up call I guess. When I started going back to old eating habits this past week, I started asking myself if it would really be so bad to be fat the rest of my life. Then I started getting symptoms back. It was ugly. I was shocked at how fast they struck me. I concluded very quickly that it is do or die. There is no "giving up" because that would mean that my healthy life is over. I started envisioning medication bottles cluttering my counter and doctor visits becoming regular again, not to mention the constant fear of dialysis looming over my head (which has been gone for some time now.)
It gave me more strength and determination than I have previously had. I am taking it one day at a time. Norm has been an incredible inspiration for me. When he reached his 300 pounds I started seeing something really amazing in his journey... just keep doing it every single day... the same thing over and over. It occurred to me that I am doing the same thing every day (or I was), but it isn't quite the right same things. If I were to just exclude the healthy fats from my diet I would see results in weight loss. I realized it is time to cut the fat. Pun intended.
I started back on MWL yesterday and after my two weeks of off and on junk eating, had to detox. That was a load of fun. I slept a record fourteen hours last night (with a few quick trips to the bathroom). I can't remember ever getting that much sleep.
I am determined. I am still under 300 pounds, barely and I am ready to see that change. I know what I have to do. I have tried to do MWL several times, without success, but it was because I was not letting go of needing more flavors and fat. I am finding bliss in simple eating now. It has been effortless this past two days. Now I just have to keep repeating it over and over. I have no desire to go backwards after all of the progress I have made, but this past couple weeks shows me how easy it is to just abandon it all and give up... going back to my old comfort zone.
I am creating a new comfort zone and working on the things I struggle with. The biggest is my husband's lack of participation and support. I expect so much from him and part of me expected him to carry me over the finish line by keeping me on track. I realize now that I have to keep myself on track regardless of what he does. No one is responsible for me except me. I have to make it important enough to fight temptation and win. I also have to incorporate exercise a great deal more than I am. I got off to a good start and then gave up again. Giving up seems to be my theme of late. No more.
My goals are set and I have an amazing friend that is at her goal and is walking this with me now, inspiring me and mentoring me. She was where I am now. She is a beautiful person inside and out and I admire her so much. When I get to my goal I am meeting her in Yosemite National Park and we are climbing Half Dome together. My final "after" pic will be at the top. I have never in my life had that kind of inspiration! I am more ready than I have ever been to reach my weight loss goals.