Well, it was time for a bit of reflection last night after I ate a pint of Blue Bunny Frozen Yogurt.
I committed to staying on track last November by completely giving up meat, diary and oil. I had already given up gluten. Giving up gluten was easy when I was still eating cheese. My reasoning in November, for doing the regular McDougall plan was that my family would not be able to comply with anything else. It was months and months of struggle with them as my past journals explore, but we finally got into a flow. It was working.
I have gained incredible health benefits that I cannot deny and already shared. I am pleased that I have stayed under 300 pounds for over six months now. However, I am hovering... between 285 and 295. I appreciate that I can maintain my weight and I am sure if I continued the way I was the past 8 months, I would definitely lose weight just by adding exercise.
The dilemma... my family has reached a place where they are really pushing the lines. Mostly my husband. The lines started getting blurry for me two weeks ago. I see it in myself, so I am not blaming them. I got overconfident with how I was feeling... looking at my before and after pics... and blogging my "success." They have continued to push for junk foods from the beginning, but I always found a way to resist and keep the junk out of the house. Lately, I am not trying so hard to resist. I am not sure I can even explain why beyond just feeling the over confidence and feeling like I had a bit of "breathing room." (maybe)
That shows me that the mentality that "this is the plan until I get better" is still present. I hadn't thought much about it, but some poor choices this past two weeks have made it abundantly clear to me. I feel like I have accomplished much, but when I look at my weight I get angry. I could have accomplished much more. Then I start looking for answers. Obviously they are pretty easy. I need to refocus. I have added the element of exercise. I have lost 40 pounds in the past two years. Actually, the truth of that is...I have probably lost 100 pounds or more... gaining and losing the same stupid 30 pounds over and over. But... the numbers are clear. When I went into the hospital two years ago, I was 335 and today I am 295.
I need to get back on track. MWL was on my mind this morning. I am going to attempt that as close as I can, but I still have to cook for my family and they will eat the regular plan. I will modify the best I can without having to cook two meals, but it is likely that some of my dinners will be on the regular plan. (simple stuff like rice pasta)
My husband is pushing me again... trying to get me off plan... woo-ing me with foods and temptations. I don't know why he does it. I have become so much stronger and have resisted for months, but lately my resistance has been shaken. Still my choice, but dammit... it is tough when I am not getting the support from him. I want to have the willpower to just eat what I need to eat and ignore him. It isn't easy sometimes.
It is almost like he does it by the "power of suggestion." He just keeps saying things over and over until I give in. In the span of two days he mentioned going out to eat over 10 times. I resisted. I ignore. I distracted him. Then finally, I just said... "oh, what the hell." That is where it breaks down for me. I can't blame him for mentioning cheese 15 times in the course of a weekend. It is almost like a joke to him. I can only blame myself for letting my guard down. It is that same attitude he had last year... so I finally give in and there is cheese cut up on the table... I could say no. Instead, I reach for a couple pieces and then he teases me... "see, I knew you couldn't leave it alone." *sigh*
He isn't a bad guy, he just has addictions to food that he is unwilling to let go of. He has food hidden in places. There are gummy worms in the console of the car, chips in the trunk and I am sure a bunch of stuff he keeps at work. He is at 225 pounds and feels like he is perfectly healthy (with at least 40 more pounds to lose, asthma, arthritis, and liver damage that he refuses to accept) I see that his future could be difficult. He drinks so much soda... over 100 ounces a day. He lives in a brain fog and is tired most of the time, but blames it on work. When he was on board with me... wow... things were so different. He was off soda for a month at the beginning of this year and he was eating with me... totally on plan. He said he felt like he was 19 again... huge energy, less asthma attacks. He was so happy with it, but he missed eating and drinking what he wanted and decided it wasn't worth it. I want it to go back to him wanting to be healthy, but he is eating SAD again.
I feel like I am at a cross roads. I know I won't give up, but I don't want to settle for just being this size the rest of my life and relatively healthy. This weight will still put a strain on my kidneys that are slowly healing. I need to take things to the next level at a time when my husband is ready for me to abandon ship and just go back to the way I was. I think, for him, he sees it just like I feel it at times... "you are better... why are you trying so hard now." I am better, but good grief... I had so many issues that I know it would only take a short time of giving in to bring them all crashing back. I know that.
I have healed SO much disease in my body it is hard for me to remember how bad I really felt. That part is incredible. But, now I am ready to fight through this next challenge. There is no junk in my house... it is the eating out that is horrible and the spontaneous shopping for something (like last night dessert). I am going to fight to get my body moving and keep the healthy meals consistent. I am going to fight to keep myself completely on track. I was there for months, there is no reason I can't push through this glitch. It just kind of feels like starting over with my husband, when we had come so far. It is frustrating and takes more energy than I wish I had to give to it. I should be putting all of my energy into just getting healthy.
I just thought it would be good to share in my journal. It is really amazing to look back and see how far I have come, but it will be even more amazing to look back months from now and see some serious weight loss.